Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Lupita on January 25, 2008, 06:06:11 PM
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It has been a long time since I have gone out with “friends” or just do something with someone that is of a social kind, and/or of my interest. I think, the last time I went dancing with “Friends” was before thanks giving.
I had a very bad day at work today and I did not have anybody to call to talk about it. I realized I have been spending too much of my leisure time on the board. I need to be with real people. But my experience with real people is so bad, that I do not know if I want it. Am I becoming a hermit?
Is this happening to any of you?
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A hermit (from the Greek ἔρημος erēmos, signifying "desert", "uninhabited", hence "desert-dweller"; adjective: "eremitic") is a person who lives to some greater or lesser degree in seclusion and/or isolation from society.
In Christianity the term was originally applied to a Christian who lives the eremitic life out of a religious conviction, namely the Desert Theology of the Old Testament (i.e. the forty years wandering in the desert[1] that was meant to bring about a change of heart).
In the Christian tradition the eremitic life is an early form of monastic living that preceded the monastic life in the cenobium. The Rule of St Benedict (ch. 1) lists hermits among four kinds of monks. Modern Roman Catholic Church law recognises consecrated hermits as members of the Consecrated Life.
Often – both in religious and secular literature – the term "hermit" is used loosely for anyone living a solitary life-style – including the misanthrope – and in religious contexts is sometimes assumed to be interchangeable with anchorite / anchoress (from the Greek ἀναχωρέω anachōreō, signifying "to withdraw", "to depart into the country outside the circumvallated city"), recluse and solitary. However, it is important to retain a clear distinction between the vocation of hermits and that of anchorites.
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In my school there is a policy that students are not “supposed” to use their phones in class. Well, they do. And teachers are supposed to confiscate them if catch them. Teacher goes in big trouble, having to ask the teen ager “give me that”, then the teen ager gets in your face, “give me my phone back”.
A teacher told me “why bother?”. After all, you write a referral, call parents, distroy your relationship with the kid, have a bad day/ The next day, the kid has the phone back.
Deamn if you do, deamn if you don’t. The worst, the kid tells you, ne ne ne ne, my mother will get my phone back after class. La la la la la.
What to do?
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Dear Lupita,
Guess I'm a hermit, in many ways... a very solitary person, and a homebody - - meaning, I like to stay at home, mostly... no strong urges to be out doing and running... and so
it doesn't bother me that I don't have many evening activities, or outings on the weekends, because I always find things to do and time flies by. Right now my life is changing so fast, with new discoveries about myself and others, too... but I still think that my own natural inclination is to be a hermit-ish person... maybe? That's okay though, right?
When I was not working outside of my home, I did feel badly about being away from people so much... afraid that I did not have the skills to interact well... and felt lonely at times, too. Doesn't take alot of people to ease the lonliness, though...
even just one good, healthy, successful interaction can make a world of difference, for me. Sometimes that happens at the checkout line at the grocery store... I guess it doesn't take much, when you're as starved as I was for human contact.
Be patient with yourself, dear Lupita... I think that you have made some major accomplishments and steps into good health.
It'll be alright.
Carolyn
P.S. on edit - - I forgot to tell you... I was very interested to read the definition you've given here of hermits and anchorites...
and, about the cell phone example - - I would just follow the rules as the school has established them and take the cell phone for the day (with a smile) - - and hopefully the kids will get tired of needing to come back and reclaim their phones. If nothing else, you will earn their respect for abiding by the rules (whether they let you know that or not, they WILL respect you for it) and especially they will appreciate that you smile while enforcing those rules! This I know.
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Hi Lupita,
I am here to confess that I am a hermit. My question for you is if you are unhappy in your hermit state? I am pretty happy with my hermit lifestyle most of the time. If you are unhappy, then I think you should take steps to change the situation, but if you feel happier and safer at home pursuing your own interests then there really isn't a problem. Hugs.
E
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Since I don't resonate with you,Lupita(lol), I will just give you a hug.
(((((((((((Lupita)))))))))))))))
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It has been a long time since I have gone out with friend's or just do something with someone that is of a social kind, and/or of my interest. I think, the last time I went dancing with friend's was before thanks giving.
I had a very bad day at work today and I did not have anybody to call to talk about it. I realized I have been spending too much of my leisure time on the board. I need to be with real people. But my experience with real people is so bad, that I do not know if I want it. Am I becoming a hermit?
Is this happening to any of you?
I can resonate with this a lot. Being alone or isolation is a favorite pastime of mine. I used to be so outgoing and gregarious and now that I am older I love to sit at home and read, bake, take long baths, knit, listen to jazz, watch netflixs, or go for long walks on the beach with my ipod...there are so many alone choices to do and it is all good. But I suffer from loneliness and when I do spend time with people I suffer from a mild social anxiety. Usually, I need to decompress and work out all of the anxiety when I get home.
Hopefully some of this will help, as we get older it is a natural tendency to just want to be alone more, maybe?...it is OK.
It is good to realize that we need 3D support or connections too.
Lise
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Hello to Lupita and all:
Have been reading your posts, and I understand that you would want to talk to someone about the events of your day. It is a very human tendency.
People are all different: some are loners, others are more sociable, ..it depends on what one is happy with.
I do enjoy being alone, but I would not become a hermit I think LOL. It isn't in my nature. There is so much I still want to do and see. The world is a big place.
I do socialise, travel, a lot of which involves people I work with. There are times when that might go on for a week or so, and I enjoy it while it is happening. The interraction is good. I like people, being with people, as much as I like being alone. I will sometimes drive up into the hills, get out there and walk alone in a very solitary place. I think a balance is important.
Hope you have a good week-end Lupita, and get some rest.
Hermes
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Dear Lise,
I am glad that you mentioned social anxiety b/c I have it, too. Maybe ,one of us could start a thread on it. Imagine what I am going through NOW with people ,everywhere(LOL)? Love Ami
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Ch, Emp, Herm, Gab, Ami, have you heard:
I am unhappy, alone, with people, in the bathroom, in the living room, in the kitchen, in dance class, when I was fat I thought if I only could lose weight I would feel so much better, I am 126 lb right now, and guess what, I like what I see in the mirror, and I still am very unhappy.
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Dear Lupita,
I think what you are saying is that our peace of mind is an "inside job". I hate to hear this ,too, sometimes(LOL) Ami
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I am afraid to go to work on Monday and the kid is going to show his phone again. Can you imagine a freshman in high school having a Palm? Do you know what is that?
Why in the world a parent would give his son a Palm? Just because?
Why, he used it in front of me?
Why to provoke me?
He knows that if he is discrete I can choose to ignore it and I will, but if they robe it on my nose, I am obligated to address the issue.
Why then, do it? Is the administration trying to put me at fault? Why do I feel paranoid? Are they trying to posion the kids against me?
If I just knew that the principal would back me up, I would not care, I would just tace care of business, but feeling lonely, makes a terrible difference.
Why a parent would choose to pay so much money in tuition in a good private school for a kid to make Ds and be disrespectful?
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What is a Palm?
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Ami,
Have you heard of a surgeon operating in him self? I dont think so.
Or a hair stylist to do her oun hair cut? very difficult. Many say that they cut the front and go to a friend to cut the back part.
Maybe possible. But very difficult.
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Lupita,
I have no idea what you mean? Maybe, I should ask my older son, although he is not the most "with it" person(lol) and probably won't know. My dear, Scott ,always knew what was going on. Ami
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Lupita,
I think that you can make choices right now... whether or not you want to spend this night agonizing about what may happen on Monday. For myself, I choose not to agonize about Monday, or Sunday, or Saturday, or even 3 hours from now.
Where does that leave us? With right now, this minute.
How could this very moment, this minute, be better?
Love to you,
Carolyn
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Because you know that your husband has income, you can have peace, it is the two of you. If you lose your job, there is him. I am alone. If I lose my job........................... I dont even want to think about it. You are right.
I am going to have a drink and go to bed.
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Lupita,
You don't know my circumstances... and I don't have a sugar daddy. :lol: For someone only slightly above the poverty level, I do alright... and that is only by God's grace.
I think, sincerely, and in all love and the spirit of gentleness, that this is a Friday night blow-out thing with you...
and that's okay... I can relate...
just maybe if you're aware of your own patterns, and if I'm aware of mine, they can be tempered somewhat... and balanced.
Love,
Carolyn
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Friday night blow-out thing with you
??????????????????????????????????????????????????????
I am going to check my other posts of Fridays.
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Rest well, Lupita. I can understand your feelings of unease. I have been there. I can remember thinking I would be joining the dole queue, LOL. I didn't happen. It won't happen.
I remember a psychiatrist friend of mine saying to me, back then in those bad times: "Don't futurise, Hermes". You know it was the best advice I ever had. We don't even know what is going to happen tomorrow, less so control it.
Abrazos
Hermes
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I guess I touched a sensible fiber of you and you did one of mine. That is OK.
How many years did you stay single before you re-married? Just curious.
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Hi Hermes, in cognitive therapy, it is called fortune telling and mind reading. Yes, I do a lot of that. So, what do you do for a living?
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Friday night blow-out thing with you
??????????????????????????????????????????????????????
I am going to check my other posts of Fridays.
okay... wow, that sure is alot of question marks. I only gave you my own sense of what happens, Lupita... I may be wrong... but feels like a pressure cooker blowing out steam from its little cap... or maybe that's my own feeling and I'm imposing it on you. If so, I may have to ask you permission to apologize... :shock:
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Why do you apologize? I am not apologizing because I told you you can rest knowing you have a husband. And it obviously bothered you. It is like in reality, your husband dont give you too much of a peace? or I heard you say good things about your husband. So, that must be reassuring to have him, why did that made you feel invalidated?
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If you dont want to engage, it is OK too. I was willing to stay awake for you. But it is OK. Maybe God is protecting me from something.
God bless you anyway.
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Why do you apologize? I am not apologizing because I told you you can rest knowing you have a husband. And it obviously bothered you. It is like in reality, your husband dont give you too much of a peace? or I heard you say good things about your husband. So, that must be reassuring to have him, why did that made you feel invalidated?
Lupita, I didn't feel invalidated by you... just unknown. There is a difference, I think.
My husband is not a "bad" person and I can say many good things about him. I can also truthfully say that being with him has turned my mind inside out and my life upside down. No, my husband does not give me too much of a peace. God gives me peace, as I'm willing to receive that peace from Him.
You see, my husband is a very... busy-minded, easily distracted, self-absorbed person in many ways. Maybe attention-deficit or manic, I don't know... but many of his ways have been quite extremely distressing to me and required a great deal of prayer and adjustment on my part.
So it strikes me as ironic to think of his being here as bringing me peace in the way you suggested... because it's been just the opposite, in so many ways. It would take me many, many words to try to put all of this into balance so that it doesn't sound like I'm sorry to be in my situation... but all I have is my certain confidence that God brought my husband and me together for His reasons and so I rest in that.
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If you dont want to engage, it is OK too. I was willing to stay awake for you. But it is OK. Maybe God is protecting me from something.
God bless you anyway.
I say the same to you, dear Lupita... don't stay awake if you're ready for sleep! I am not upset or aggravated at all with you, only trying to be direct. God bless you, too.
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LOL Lupita.
I am actually quite good at mind reading, and even at fortune-telling. Nothing supernatural about it. Just a combination of experience and intuition, and instinct. And, yes, sometimes I do get premonitions, and they turn out to be correct.
Hermes
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Oops, I think I've misunderstood something here, Lupita... wasn't sure which of your posts was addressed to whom.
Anyhow, all is well and I hope you'll have a restful night.
Carolyn
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So, how long did you stay married before you re-married?
I do believe that when it is God's will you feel peace. If you do not have peace, it is not God's will. But, God has his plans and human have plans too. Many times we do not follwo God's will.
I do not beleave that a husband who causes you distress is the will of God.
Is he a Chrsitian? Does he go to church?
The bible says that believers should not married the non believers. If we do that we get in deep trouble, because the non believer is going to bring the pleasure of the flesh (not meaning sex) and the pleasure of the flesh will bring pain of the flesh (not meaning STDs) but the pain of a person who doe snot have fear of god brings to our lives.
Proverbs 1 vers 7 The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge and foolish dispise ...........
So, I tell my students, when you look for a boyfriend, the first thing you have to clear is if he has fear or god and if he does not let him or her GOOOOOOOOOO. But what happens, church is full of women, and very few good Chrsitians are available, and with being so picky, ...... you know the rest.
I have been alone for 17 years and I will not enage in a relationship unless I find a devoted Chrsitian, around my age, available..... in extintion species.
So, I deviated from the subject......... so, I do not believe that a distressful husband is the will or god.
Of course maybe he is a good believer and I am jumping in to conclussions, then I will apologize for that.
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Not a problem CH, I am sure that Hermes knows which is which. The husband thing is for you and the psychoterapy thing is ofr Hermes.
And CH, if you choose to engae with me on a blow out friday night, do not aplogize later. I will not feel guilty if we have some fun......LOL
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Dear Lupita:
There are good men out there of all faiths. Many so called devoted Christians are not good men, at all, and of course some are too.
I would want a man to be ethical, in all things, to be true and sincere, above all true to himself. And above all, SANE! Lol.
Hermes
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Hermes, then they are not good Chrsitians, they are hypochristians. I dont want those either. That is why I have stayed alone for 17 years.
A good Chrstian would have those qualities that you just mentioned above.
By the way, you talk with the assurance of a man. If you do not say, I would swear I am talking to a man. Testosteron makes man think in a different way that estrgens and progestorone do to brains. And sometimes women have more or less testosteron circulating, I mean wih out being pathological, and that has a lot to do with personality and audacity, and intellectualism, etc.
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You are just great, Lupita! Very sharp.
I have often been told I think like a man, by many people. Maybe I was a man in another life (oh, dear, maybe I had better not say such things LMAO). I like men, I get on well with them, and I think they feel comfortable with me. I had no sisters, all male cousins, (my two female cousins were a lot older than me), so I suppose that made me get in on the male airwaves....
But no, I am a woman, with all the trimmings LOL. A sketchy identikit: I am 5 ft. 7 inches tall, just over 9 stone in weight, blonde hair, grey eyes.
All the best Lupita. I know you are a lovely lady.
Hermes
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wow, now I am jealouse. I am short, (to caucasian standards), I guess you do not need a choma after parenthesis, do you?
Dark hair, and dark skin but bleach my hair, a blonde wanna be.
Like they say, the brain of a brunnete and the what of a blonde? I dont remember, and I have had nothing to drink.
And yes, you do think like a man and express your self displaying a thought process very similar to a highly educated man.
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Thank you again, Lupita, for your kind words. You make me feel "validated". LOL.
IMO there is nothing wrong with expressing a view in an outspoken way. In fact I think it shows more consideration for the person listening than being oblique, which can lead to great misunderstanding. Obliqueness is IMO an aspect of voicelessness, where one is unable to say (or worse still, punished) what one thinks.
Take care
Hermes
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IMO there is nothing wrong with expressing a view in an outspoken way. In fact I think it shows more consideration for the person listening than being oblique, which can lead to great misunderstanding.
Hermes,
I absolutely agree here... and would like to add - I've come to the conclusion that obliqueness is often the tool of manipulators who go about the business of planting seeds of suspicion and doubt via vague insinuations, rather than placing a matter firmly and clearly onto the table for discussion. THAT, I find, most aggravating. The way I feel is - - if there's evidence, then let's hear it! Otherwise, keep your doubts and suspicions to yourself and don't contaminate the playing field with a load of vague references.
Carolyn
P.S. on edit - I am using the generic "you" here, and not speaking of you personally, Hermes... lol
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Thank you again, Lupita, for your kind words. You make me feel "validated". LOL.
IMO there is nothing wrong with expressing a view in an outspoken way. In fact I think it shows more consideration for the person listening than being oblique, which can lead to great misunderstanding. Obliqueness is IMO an aspect of voicelessness, where one is unable to say (or worse still, punished) what one thinks.
Take care
Hermes
Thank you, Hermes
Likewise, for making me feel "validated"
Re: Obliqueness;
Adjective: Not straightforward; indirect; obscure; hence, disingenuous; underhand; perverse; sinister.
Here on the board, I have been referred to as speaking with straightforwardness.
Which, incidentally, is exactly the same, as in real life, out in the world, hitherto.
Love, Leah
WYSIWYG
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LOL Carolyn. The "you" is fine by me.
Thank you too Leah.
As the saying goes: it is good to "say what you mean, and mean what you say".
A great weekend to all.
Hermes
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LOL Carolyn. The "you" is fine by me.
Thank you too Leah.
As the saying goes: it is good to "say what you mean, and mean what you say".
A great weekend to all.
Hermes
:D Thanks, Hermes... and a wonderful weekend to you, as well. Here's to more forthright, direct communication! :D
Carolyn
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LOL Carolyn. The "you" is fine by me.
Thank you too Leah.
As the saying goes: it is good to "say what you mean, and mean what you say".
A great weekend to all.
Hermes
Dear Hermes,
Like it; "say what you mean, and mean what you say"
and also, "Let your yes be yes, and, your no be no"
otherwise,
a double minded man(or woman) is unstable, tossing back and forth, on the waves.
Enjoy your weekend.
Love, Leah
Slán agus beannacht leat
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CH and Lea posted to address Hermes, so I just wanted to say thanks to Hermes.
Thank you Hermes, you also give validation.
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It has been a long time since I have gone out with “friends” or just do something with someone that is of a social kind, and/or of my interest. I think, the last time I went dancing with “Friends” was before thanks giving.
I had a very bad day at work today and I did not have anybody to call to talk about it. I realized I have been spending too much of my leisure time on the board. I need to be with real people. But my experience with real people is so bad, that I do not know if I want it. Am I becoming a hermit?
Is this happening to any of you?
I understand the ambivalence. We are not supposed to want or like solitude. The "system" needs people who spend their lives chattering away on their cell phones and paying the big monthly fee for unlimited minutes. Hermits living happily in caves aren't good for business. It's also good for business if miserable people stick with the N's in their lives and console themselves with consumer goods.
When I was 26 I had a trip planned with friends. They all backed out on me and after a few hours of sulking I decided to take a leap and go it alone. It was one of the most exhilarating experiences of my life. 20 years later, I look back and realize these "friends" were something closer to vampires. Going it alone was a necessary step for me.
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Yes, Tjr, it is great to travel alone, and to be alone, when one chooses. I often travelled alone, still do. It is a great experience.
Solitude is wonderful, if that is what the person wants and likes.
All the best
Hermes
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""......... so, I do not believe that a distressful husband is the will or god."" (Lupita).
Yes, indeed. I was getting along just fine until ex-N crossed my path. Well, he didn"t exactly cross my path. I was introduced to him. Isn"t that so ironic. I"d never have met him otherwise. Very unlikely.
Best to all
Hermes
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LOL Hermes, that was directed to CH. She said she had a good marriage but when I told her that she would feel comfortable she said that I did not know her situation and that she had a distresful husband. That is why I said that.
And I do believe that if we put our eyes on a man based on Prverbs 1:7, we would have perfect marriages. That is why I have stayed alone for so many years.
Are you still married?
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LOL Hermes, that was directed to CH. She said she had a good marriage but when I told her that she would feel comfortable she said that I did not know her situation and that she had a distresful husband. That is why I said that.
And I do believe that if we put our eyes on a man based on Prverbs 1:7, we would have perfect marriages. That is why I have stayed alone for so many years.
Are you still married?
Lupita,
I really don't want to quote myself from my previous post on this thread, but neither do I want to leave this misunderstanding unaddressed, so...
I'll just interject:
Just for the record, I did not say that I have a distressful husband.
In addition, I don't believe there is any such thing as a "perfect marriage".
All marriages are work and if a person cannot be distress-free on her own, she is surely not going to find less than distress when married... lol.
On occasion, I do have distressful issues, situations, and problems within my own heart and mind, and some of those are due to the differences between my husband and myself. That does not translate to him being a distressful person. If anything, I'm the distressful one... lol. Anyhow, I will try to speak/type more clearly from now on... whew.
Carolyn
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many of his ways have been quite extremely distressing to me
This is what I read from you. If I misunderstood it I am sorry. Probably is the language barrier. But I understood when you siad that your situation was not good, that is what I understood.
I am happy for you that I was mistaken. It does not make any difference for my self, just the satisfaction to know that my friend CH is doing fine. And that is why I told you that you must feel more comfortable knowing that if you lose your job, you have another salary to back you up, it must be comforting.
Izzi, I did not see your post before. Sorry.
Welcome to the club.....LOL
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Thanks, Lupita. I do think that there is a communication barrier, but it's probably because I'm not taking the time to thoroughly explain my meaning. Part of the reason that I got a job, Lupita, is because I am not able to rely on my husband's income. I trust that God will provide for my family, as He always has, but my husband's earning capacity is not much of a factor in my sense of security :? For that reason, it's difficult me to admit to any particular comfort level in not being alone... really very difficult. Clearly, this is an area which I need to examine more closely with God's help.
Also I know that another reason for my lack of clarity here is probably because I am well aware of the fact that I was in a very bad place emotionally when I married my husband 3 1/2 years ago and so I did not make sensible choices. That awareness makes my daily walk through this marriage a bit of an obstacle course... and far from ideal. Again, comfortable and secure are adjectives which just do not suit my current frame of mind or feelings... and that's something which is solely my responsibility, I believe... to deal with between God and myself.
Anyhow, thanks for your saying that you're glad to know I'm fine, Lupita... and for referring to me as your friend. That makes me smile. I hope that this has made some sense.
Carolyn
P.S. to Izzy... :D @ "hermitessing" ~ ~ ~ yeah!
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You see, my husband is a very... busy-minded, easily distracted, self-absorbed person in many ways. Maybe attention-deficit or manic, I don't know... but many of his ways have been quite extremely distressing to me and required a great deal of prayer and adjustment on my part.
Hi CH, no, it does not make any sense to me, but it does not make any difference, either. The most important thing is that you are fine, that he is not distressful, and that you feel glad you have found him or that you feel that God brought him to you. I disagree, but, again, it is not important.
For me, the point was that you were giving me a speech (or I felt that you were) on what I was worrying too much and I said that because I am alone and have no husband and no back up salary, and then, it came out the rest.
I just get upset when I am told what to do but I am not allowed to tell what to do to the other person. I like it to be a two ways. If somebody tells me what to do I want to be able to tell that person what to do too. I wish I was not critized when I complain or whine or becauase of my worries as if the others dont have worries.
And I am glad because I think I am starting for the first time to assert my self. I am very glad. Very glad that you are happu in your marriage.
I wish I found a good man. Like they say a good man is hard to find. And I refuse to get involved with a drunk or an addict or an irresponsible immature, unrelyable, I will not get involved just out of lonelinees or weaness. The worst part was rasing my son alone, and I survived that. seventeen years alone. I do not need a man that will become in to my son. LOL
Well Izz sorry again.
Fortunately, tomorrow I will be busy all day and will not post, wont have time. Play in church, practice for that before, one hour driving going and coming back, lunch with my son, salsa lesson, whew!!!!!!!
Lolli says that I come here for validation, lol, and then Lea thought I was validated, lol.
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I hear you Lupine. What do you do at your school? Do you own the school or you work for the school? Are you a teacher?
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Dear Carolyn,
I would like to ask you a question.If it is too personal, please ,just ignore it.
What was your thinking when you married your current H? Did you do it too fast? Did you have needs that you wanted him to fill that no person could ? I would appreciate your views,if you care to share them.
You seem like you have "regrets' and I know that for Bible believers 'divorce" is a harder issue than for others(perhaps).
Anyway, compost the WHOLE damn thing,if you want to(lol) Love, Ami