Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Ami on January 26, 2008, 07:04:51 PM
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I need to talk about my life(my day).Do you get bone weary after "shock"? I feel like I can't do anything----drive, even hardly walk.
I feel too weak to function.I feel like I did after I had a C--section.
If I do anything, I get exhausted.I am trying to overcome deeper issues and trying to go forward by getting out more and being with people more.Maybe,I should just stay in and recover and not push on the deeper issues ,right now. My own thinking is not too swift ,now. There is so much wisdom ,on the board.
Is this "normal" after a "shock"? How long does it last. Do you get stronger ,physically, slowly?I used to be able to exercise and have good energy. Now, I can barely do anything.
Sorry, if I have already asked this question,which I may have. Thanks for any advice. I really appreciate your responses. Ami
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Dear Ami:
I understand Ami, and I feel for you. You are of course bone weary after the shock and trauma you are suffering. It is normal to feel like that. You are exhausted, and I would think that perhaps lots of sleep, being good to yourself and not pushing too hard would be best at the moment. You need to recoup physically, and just take the next day (indeed the next few hours), at a time. One day at a time.
I cannot tell you how long it will last, Ami. But yes, you will get stronger physically, slowly. Do please seek help there, among the people you know, and if you think it a good idea, maybe some professional help. Perhaps see a doctor for your extreme exhaustion, to help you along the way.
Take care, and I hope you have a restful evening.
Hermes
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Dear ((((( Ami )))))
Be kind to yourself.
You are exhausted from shock, and the stress of the shock.
Gentle walks, fresh air, and rest,
would be more than enough for your body to cope with,
I would think, from personal experience of shock.
There is a right time for everything, it seems,
maybe, just now, is not quite the right time, maybe,
for the hard work of digging; the deep issues.
Our body really does seem to know just how much we can cope with.
The feeling of Fatigue, is usual, with the stress of shock.
May God give you his comfort, and rest.
Love to you,
Leah
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Am-I think you need to lay around and sleep and eat and veg. I would not even put on make up. I would give yourself some time to recuperate.
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Just the fact that you are here writing is a myracle. You are much stronger than you think. I have no idea how you have been able to survive this. It is amazing. I think you need to rest. Would you consider the possibility to ask your doctor for medication to sleep?
How is your other son?
You are in my prayers everyday.
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(((Ami)))
I echo everyones love and support for you.
Take special care of you, (((Ami))). With thoughts of peace for you. seasons
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Dear Leah, Kelly, Hermes, Izzy, Seasons and Lupita,
Thanks so much for responding. The scary thing is that I feel worse ,physically, as the denial(shock) wears off.
What is so hard for us(as N"survivors) is taking care of ourselves and believing that we are WORTH caring for. So, when you give me your responses about just "rest and recuperate", it is like "permission"*which I should not need ,but do----bleh.
Izzy, I would love to write about Scott. I felt a little embarrassed to do it,but now that you have given me "permission", I will.
The bite of this whole thing is ALREADY being a nut and then dealing with an overwhelming situation(lol).
Once I talk about it, it brings the shame to the light. Shame thrives in the dark and dissipates in the light.
You have been such comforts to me. It is impossible to explain how much.
When I went out today, I know that I looked really strange, at the Messianic Synagogue. I was sitting next to a guy I know, at lunch. I was not making much sense. He was looking at me, a little strangely. I said,'How would you like to take ME out on a date?"
He laughed.
The truth of a suicide settles in ,slowly. It is like 2 deaths ,in that you have all the 'whys" and "what could I have dones".
I grew up with a M who worried about her body--physical problems. When I feel badly, I feel worried and afraid. It brings up FOO issues.
If I can be honest about all this "embarrassing " stuff, I will get through it. Thanks for allowing me that-----and so graciously.
Love Ami
PS I have not had any alcohol for 20 years. I was not an alcoholic ,but went with a friend to AA and loved it. I gave up drinking b/c I knew that I "could' get addicted to a substance, even though I was not.
Last night, I had a few sips of my M's beer and it gave me such a peace. It took away the pain, fear and anger. It was a wonderful drug. My H has a pharmacy,upstairs,but I have never taken a drug.
I just know that I crave the "peace" and b/c of knowing that, I never took any of the drugs.
I am considering having a little beer in to help me sleep, but I probably won't. I need to develop 'internal" resources(prayer, etc) and not start depending on external ones. Any thoughts would be appreciated.
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Ami - part of what happens physiologically when you have a shocking experience is that your adrenal glands go into overdrive pumping out adrenaline - the basic flight or fight response. When this has happened on an elevated level for weeks on end your entire body becomes completely depleted. It has a spiraling effect in that the things that help you get over it are very, very difficult to do when you are stricken. The things that help are eating nutritiously, taking vitamens and/or supplements, exercise and sleep. Another helpful thing would be to take epsom salt baths. Epsom salts have magnesium in them and the magnesium has a calming effect and helps restore the adrenal glands. The epsom salt baths help with sleep as well.
What you are going through is so very common for people who have experienced traumatic experiences as you have. You must take care of yourself. You must get sleep and try your best to eat well.
There is an exellent web site about adrenal fatigue. I'm going to try to find it and post it.
My heart and thoughts are with you - GS
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Ami - part of what happens physiologically when you have a shocking experience is that your adrenal glands go into overdrive pumping out adrenaline - the basic flight or fight response. When this has happened on an elevated level for weeks on end your entire body becomes completely depleted. It has a spiraling effect in that the things that help you get over it are very, very difficult to do when you are stricken. The things that help are eating nutritiously, taking vitamens and/or supplements, exercise and sleep. Another helpful thing would be to take epsom salt baths. Epsom salts have magnesium in them and the magnesium has a calming effect and helps restore the adrenal glands. The epsom salt baths help with sleep as well.
What you are going through is so very common for people who have experienced traumatic experiences as you have. You must take care of yourself. You must get sleep and try your best to eat well.
There is an exellent web site about adrenal fatigue. I'm going to try to find it and post it.
My heart and thoughts are with you - GS
Te de manzanilla. I dont know the name in English, but is very relaxing.
Again, you need to rest. And please, please, do not forget your other son, he needs you. He lost his brother. He needs his mama.
Love to you.
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Ami,
I know when I go through anything tough, I feel bone weary after I'm done and you have gone through the toughest thing anyone could ever dream of. Sleep, rest, don't do anything, have a beer, but by all means take care of you. I remember being so tired sometimes, actually emotionally drained, that I just wanted to sit down wherever I was and go to sleep. That wouldn't go over to great in the grocery store, but the feeling was so overwhelming that to this day I'm surprised I never did it. Thnink and praying for you
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Dear (((( Ami ))))
GS has mentioned magnesium, and salt baths, which is absolutely superb, for Adrenal Fatigue, the fatigue that comes with shock, and the stress to the body, from shock.
I still enjoy a wonderful magnesium salt bath with rose petals, which is ever so soothing and relaxing.
Lupita has mentioned Chamomile Tea, which is excellent.
All I did was drink Herbal Teas, which soothed and calmed. There is an excellent Herbal Tea, called 'Night Time', which was a wonderful natural herbal aid for restful sleep, along with, as you say, prayer, and meditation on the word, which fills you with real comfort, for rest.
Be kind to yourself, be still, and rest.
Love to you,
Leah
Walks in the fresh air helps to rest and sleep,
maybe your sweet little dog may enjoy being with you on a walk.
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Ami - part of what happens physiologically when you have a shocking experience is that your adrenal glands go into overdrive pumping out adrenaline - the basic flight or fight response. When this has happened on an elevated level for weeks on end your entire body becomes completely depleted. It has a spiraling effect in that the things that help you get over it are very, very difficult to do when you are stricken. The things that help are eating nutritiously, taking vitamens and/or supplements, exercise and sleep. Another helpful thing would be to take epsom salt baths. Epsom salts have magnesium in them and the magnesium has a calming effect and helps restore the adrenal glands. The epsom salt baths help with sleep as well.
What you are going through is so very common for people who have experienced traumatic experiences as you have. You must take care of yourself. You must get sleep and try your best to eat well.
There is an exellent web site about adrenal fatigue. I'm going to try to find it and post it.
My heart and thoughts are with you - GS
Dear GS,
Again ,you see the simple answers which elude me. I had this same type of exhaustion on a 3 week bus tour of the West, when I was in the worst state ,emotionally. We got to San Fransisco and I wanted to go shopping.I could barely move and you know that is bad with all those good stores(LOL)
I feel exactly the same way ,now. It is adrenal fatigue. I have Maca( a root which gives endurance) and I will start taking it, today. I feel happy to know WHAT is wrong and it is exactly as you said, GS.
What would I have done if you had not come back, GS. Love, Ami
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Te de manzanilla. I dont know the name in English, but is very relaxing.
Again, you need to rest. And please, please, do not forget your other son, he needs you. He lost his brother. He needs his mama.
Love to you.
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Dear Lupita,
I have tried to enlist some special people to help my older son--his GF and Maria's H.
I found a counselor for all of us,too.
I am trying to be available to him .My older son is honest about how he feels and he seems to be going forward with work and even dating.
He has always been honest and I think that he tells me when he needs me. I KNOW he does(lol).
We are keeping the lines of communication open.
As long as my older son can be honest about his feelings, he should be able to go forward. I am alert to him and any cries for help. Ami
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Ami
I understand you can have a beer a day and it is good for you! Ask your doctor, as he knows your health record.
I had a shock once but am not sure if I was shocked.
I was 12 and I, with my 2 older sisters, was walking home from the school bus stop. It was winter so it was almost dark already. We heard a 'wailing' sound and couldn't figure out what it was. We were just past Mrs. P.'s country driveway so went back and followed the noise. She was sitting on the snow out back with her husband dead: his head on her lap and her crying was the wailing.
My eldest sister telephoned a neighbour and people came and the adults looked after the situation. What I remember is that one of them said to her, "You'd better get Izzy home. Her face is gray!" Well that was my shock.
I went home, did the chores, had dinner and went to the hockey game with my girl friend and her parents and forgot about Mrs P! (They were 'strangers' in the area, as they were living in sin. 1951)
I recall just feeling outside looking in while I was there, but okay when I got home.
I think I was already full of strength I didn't know I had.
How about you? Was your inner strength called upon when you were 12 and under?
Izzy
P.S. Te de manzanilla is Chamomile
Chamomile tea is great for relaxation
Dear Izzy,
Thanks for sharing those memories. People are telling me how strong I am,but I really don't know what they are talking about. I have been in shock and not feeling the appropropriate feelings. People are mistaking that for strength,I think.
I don't have a regular doctor,but I may have a few ounces of beer to sleep ,if I need it.
It does take the edge of that sharp pain, which is hiding under the denial. I feel it trying to peek it's head out,but not being quite able to, at the moment.
One thing is for sure. When I get my physical strength back, I am going to live, not just exist,as I have been doing. I know that I have things to give others. I saw that,at the funeral. I was so busy seeing my bad qualities that I missed the good ones. Now, I have even more to give(after I heal) b/c I am in a unique group of human beings----parents who have lost a child to suicide. When I feel better,physically, I am going to join a support group, call friends , and generally, just "live" as I had NOT been doing before.
I was keeping myself alone and isolated with shame. My parents gave me all that they could--on this trip AND in life, just as I gave Scott all that I could. I failed and they failed,in many ways,but that does NOT mean that I am worthless, which was the conclusion that I(and Scott) drew.
There IS life to be lived.
Thank you Izzy for all the kind posts to me. It means so much. Love Ami
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Ami,
I know when I go through anything tough, I feel bone weary after I'm done and you have gone through the toughest thing anyone could ever dream of. Sleep, rest, don't do anything, have a beer, but by all means take care of you. I remember being so tired sometimes, actually emotionally drained, that I just wanted to sit down wherever I was and go to sleep. That wouldn't go over to great in the grocery store, but the feeling was so overwhelming that to this day I'm surprised I never did it. Thnink and praying for you
Dear Alone,
I know what you mean about being "regular places" like the store and just praying that you had the strength to get home. I am there ,now,but I have things to do to start to heal---in mind and body--Thanks to all of you. Thank you ,Alone, for your kind and supportive words. Love Ami
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Ami,
I think it is very normal to be so weary. I would think you would be exhausted. I think I would be more worried about the fact that you aren't reading your body signals and responding to what they are telling you. When you are hit by a truck (physically) you don't argue about the fact that your body needs time to recuperate. Please don't argue with your body when it tells you to rest after this emotional wound.
If you havent yet broken down and cried uncontrollably and deeply, you are still holding in a lot of emotion. That is going to be exhausting. Although beer would relax you, and I'm not against a bit of therapeutic alcohol, its not what you need right now. You need to stay with the pain until you can let it flow out of you.
There are going to be some gutwrenching sobs and I sense that you are afraid of them. Don't be. They aren't forever--but they have to be gone through. You are in a grey place emotionally--but it would be a true tragedy for you to stay there forever.
There's a level of understanding that you are looking for, that you have looked for for the last year, that is going to come on a purely emotional level. It won't come from thinking and reasoning. It will come from pouring out the ache on a deep, primal level. It's scarey, but you are a strong woman. You're going to make it through it.
Pamper the feeling side of your brain. Don't worry about exercise right now--take long walks in your neighborhood, out in the weather, not worrying about how much exercise you get. Listen to music. Don't read any self help books, read stories if you want to read at all. Sleep. Treat yourself as a recovering hit and run victim.
If you want to read something, try "Tuesdays with Morrie". I think it might really speak to you right now, without being too heavy.
Much love,
CB
Dear CB,
There is so much wisdom in your post. Thank you. You seemed to express the "disconnect' that I have with myself. I am not trusting or resonating to my own needs.
I am not feeling a bodily or mind 'need" and being able to honor and go forward with it. You expressed this dilemma ,so clearly.
I am needing reassurance every step of the way for how I feel--emotionally and physically.
I see how I don't trust myself. It is disheartening to see,but it is true.
You are right about the beer and drugs. Intuitively, I knew that I had to feel and not numb myself. I am already too numb.
I am afraid of the gut wrenching truth falling on me.I cry when I listen to music,but not very much, compared to the cries that are pent up in me. I AM afraid of the grief overwhelming me. I have to trust that the grief will come out at the time I can handle it---Right?
CB, could you explain more specifically what you mean about the healing that I began on the board and how it is a heart healing? I have an emotional denseness to seeing it clearly.
Thanks for all that you gave me. It was a gift. Love Ami
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Dear (((( Ami ))))
GS has mentioned magnesium, and salt baths, which is absolutely superb, for Adrenal Fatigue, the fatigue that comes with shock, and the stress to the body, from shock.
I still enjoy a wonderful magnesium salt bath with rose petals, which is ever so soothing and relaxing.
Lupita has mentioned Chamomile Tea, which is excellent.
All I did was drink Herbal Teas, which soothed and calmed. There is an excellent Herbal Tea, called 'Night Time', which was a wonderful natural herbal aid for restful sleep, along with, as you say, prayer, and meditation on the word, which fills you with real comfort, for rest.
Be kind to yourself, be still, and rest.
Love to you,
Leah
Walks in the fresh air helps to rest and sleep,
maybe your sweet little dog may enjoy being with you on a walk.
Dear Leah,
I wanted to tell you about the spiritual healing I had last night.
Yesteday, we went to the Messianic Synagogue. I did not want to go, but made myself. I realize that I do need to force myself to take in spiritual things b/c they will provide the ultimate healing.
There was a guest rabbi and he was talking about eternal life.He said that eternal life was your most important decision on this earth. He said that as long as you had eternal life, your length of days here was secondary.He was very "real" and had a wonderful spirit. .
Later that night,I was walking Mimi. I felt the old feelings like I was worthless and "bad" and why even TRY to heal, just go "down". Then, I realized,in my'" heart", for the first time, what a price God paid for me, how God loved me and it was a direct slap in God's "face" for me to contradict Him by hating myself.
I got a peace. Why would God have gone through all that suffering for me IF I was worthless?I knew it ,in the head, before ,but NOT in the heart.Last night, I got it in the '"heart".
I feel differently,now. Whenever,I feel like I am "bad",I need to see that God sees me as valuable. He is the ultimate judge of our value.
Leah, I have been sleeping with Mimi. I open the windows, put on lots of blankets and that sweet, warm body curls up next to me. Henrietta(Standard Poodle) is to old to get on the bed.
A dog is so comforting when you are upset. When you feel their breathing, there seems to be an order to the world.
Mimi bores in,next to my body, and I feel her there all night.
Leah----Perfect love casts out Fear. I am meditating on the verse b/c it holds life for me----for my own deep healing and for the pain of Scott. Thank you for all the love you have given me, Leah. Ami
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Dear Ami:
You are grieving, and need to grieve, in your own way. It is the most natural thing in the world.
The numbness of the first few days wears off (this can take time too, maybe even months), and the sharpness of the loss sets in. No doubt people have mistaken that initial numbness for strength.
I found online these tips for helping a grieving friend: (and I also think CB123's post was lovely).
Don't force your method of grieving: Respect what the person wants.
Avoid minimizing the loss: Never tell the person to "get over it."
Be a better listener: Be aware of your feelings; and know you can't solve the problem.
Be with the mourner: You just have to be there with the person.
I found it here:
http://psychologytoday.com/rss/pto-20030327-000002.html
Thinking of you, and wishing you well
Hermes
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Dear (((( Ami ))))
GS has mentioned magnesium, and salt baths, which is absolutely superb, for Adrenal Fatigue, the fatigue that comes with shock, and the stress to the body, from shock.
I still enjoy a wonderful magnesium salt bath with rose petals, which is ever so soothing and relaxing.
Lupita has mentioned Chamomile Tea, which is excellent.
All I did was drink Herbal Teas, which soothed and calmed. There is an excellent Herbal Tea, called 'Night Time', which was a wonderful natural herbal aid for restful sleep, along with, as you say, prayer, and meditation on the word, which fills you with real comfort, for rest.
Be kind to yourself, be still, and rest.
Love to you,
Leah
Walks in the fresh air helps to rest and sleep,
maybe your sweet little dog may enjoy being with you on a walk.
Dear Leah,
I wanted to tell you about the spiritual healing I had last night.
Yesteday, we went to the Messianic Synagogue. I did not want to go, but made myself. I realize that I do need to force myself to take in spiritual things b/c they will provide the ultimate healing.
There was a guest rabbi and he was talking about eternal life.He said that eternal life was your most important decision on this earth. He said that as long as you had eternal life, your length of days here was secondary.He was very "real" and had a wonderful spirit. .
Later that night,I was walking Mimi. I felt the old feelings like I was worthless and "bad" and why even TRY to heal, just go "down". Then, I realized,in my'" heart", for the first time, what a price God paid for me, how God loved me and it was a direct slap in God's "face" for me to contradict Him by hating myself.
I got a peace. Why would God have gone through all that suffering for me IF I was worthless?I knew it ,in the head, before ,but NOT in the heart.Last night, I got it in the '"heart".
I feel differently,now. Whenever,I feel like I am "bad",I need to see that God sees me as valuable. He is the ultimate judge of our value.
Leah, I have been sleeping with Mimi. I open the windows, put on lots of blankets and that sweet, warm body curls up next to me. Henrietta(Standard Poodle) is to old to get on the bed.
A dog is so comforting when you are upset. When you feel their breathing, there seems to be an order to the world.
Mimi bores in,next to my body, and I feel her there all night.
Leah----Perfect love casts out Fear. I am meditating on the verse b/c it holds life for me----for my own deep healing and for the pain of Scott. Thank you for all the love you have given me, Leah. Ami
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I believe that crying can be cathartic but I also know that at times of great pain the tears only come when they come, they can't be and won't be forced. I don't get the impression that Ami is holding back the tears but that they simply haven't come yet. They will come when them come.
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I understand, Ami.
I find that I am afraid of any feelings overwhelming me--grief included. Overwhelming feelings have always been the property of the N's in my life. I sit on mine.
But there is a lot of damage done when that happens. When my dad died when I was 16, I didnt finally cry til I was 19. I had endured a lot of damage by then. I, too, am afraid of overwhelming grief.
What I have found is that the anticipation of it is so much worse than just experiencing it. We really are designed to experience the full range of emotions that we are capable of. We think we will break, but we won't. The problem is--when we stuff the pain down, we are inevitably stuffing the joy down as well. There is no way to be selective with our emotions.
Understanding where you have been, Ami, serves its own necessary purpose. But understanding won't bring you joy. It will only bring understanding--that's all it is meant to do. When you work through to your core, you are really only working through to your rational core. Your emotional core can easily remain untouched. Emotions are an important part of who we are and they deserve to be touched as well. So many times, I have thought that turning the "rational key" would unlock the "emotional door". It won't.
The reason I suggested that you read "Tuesdays with Morrie" is because he has a good explanation of what it means to push into the pain, feel it fully, and then detach. I think that those of us who are afraid of being overwhelmed, are afraid because we think the emotion will never end. That it will remain intense forever. In this chapter, Morrie talks about how it is necessary to detach from the pain in order to continue to function--but NOT before it is fully felt. If you do that, you will remain in a that grey zone that you are in right now. If you feel the pain fully and THEN detach, you will still have healthy, pink, flesh (so to speak). Nothing will be dead.
You said that music allows you to do the tiniest bit of feeling. I think that's a good place to start then. Take whatever small window you have available and sit with it. Don't turn the music off when you start feeling what comes up. It will feel intense, but it won't last forever.
I'll tell you what happened to me recently. I was with my boyfriend (I don't like that term, but can't think of another one right now), and we had had a very significant day together. At one point, I warned him: I am going to cry. I can feel it. I want you to be okay with that--I need to do this. He said okay, you do what you need to do. And I just right then let myself slide into what I was feeling. It came out in deep, soul-shaking sobs. I didnt (and still dont, completely), know what the rational thought was that could explain it. I just know that there was an ache in my soul, and I was so lucky to be in a place where I could express it.
He asked me later if I was happy or sad. I told him that I thought it was both. And that perhaps it was the "both" that made it so overwhelming. He grew that day too, because it is hard for him to see me cry. And I cried really, really hard.
Does that make sense, Ami? Do you have a picture? The crying that I did felt like it was going to turn me inside out, but when it was over, I was fine. It wasnt the end of the world. And it won't be for you either.
Love
CB
Dear CB,
There is a lot wisdom in your post. I found a friend,as you did, who helped me to connect with my heart and with whom I can share my heart. It is a totally 'new" experience. It feels like 'Twighlight Zone" of a good kind(LOL)
My feelings are still a scary, unknown place to me which I don't really trust. My body is the same way. I ask other people's opinions ,by asking ,"Is it OK to feel this way", rather than just trust myself. The trusting of ourselves is a new "road", I think.
It is beautiful that you could cry and share with your friend.
That is one of the sweet parts of life. Intimacy is very sweet. It is scary and it is hard, but it is probably the sweetest life experience there is. I want to foster that sweetness now, when there is so much pain. I have had many instances of intimacy with many different people ,since Scott died. People are responding to my vulnerability,I think.
I see that I need to develop and strengthen my core so I CAN be vulnerable. Vunerablity can only come with strength, I think.
God sent me a special friend and that friendship has propelled me to "chose' life, even though the cost of shedding my NM's imposed "skin" , is very hard.. At times, I feel the shame as heavy and oppresive ,on my shoulders.
However,I have to remember that God's value of me is the FINAL answer.
Thank you CB. I will have to buy "Tuesday's with Morrie", again. I read it ,but can't find the book, now.
I need to connect with my heart, not my intellect,as you so wisely said. Love Ami
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Dear GS,
I am so grateful for any tears that come. Usually music brings them and I always feel a little less numb, afterwards. Thanks for understanding. There are so many different emotions and old patterns playing,right now.
Tragedy should only happen to more functional people(LOL) . Love Ami
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Thank you so much, dear friends, today, I felt like I entered the land of the living. I never could have done it w/out your love and suggestions.
I am starting to be able to cry and when I cry, the exhaustion,lessens.
I don't think that I could have gotten this far without you. Love Ami
((((((((((((((GS, Leah, Hermes, Alone, Izzy, Lupita and everyone else who has sent me so much love))))))))))))))))
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I'm so thankful for you Ami.
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Across the miles, good luck to you, Ami.
Hugs
Hermes
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Dear ((((( Ami ))))))
The God of all grace, who called us to his eternal glory in Christ,
after you have suffered a little while,
will himself restore you and make you strong,
firm and steadfast (1 Peter 5:10).
"Shalom"
Love, Leah