Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Certain Hope on February 06, 2008, 08:28:28 PM
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Not sure whether this one has ever been noted here, but an excellent site, I think -
http://www.nevergoodenough.com/index.asp (http://www.nevergoodenough.com/index.asp)
Welcome To The Resource Website For Daughters Raised By Narcissistic Mothers
Do you sometimes have the feeling that you "flunked" childhood and it was all your fault?
Have you often felt not good enough?
Have you always tried to overachieve but then felt lacking?
Is it difficult to give yourself credit?
Do you experience self-sabotage?
Do you fear you will become like your mother?
Do you have difficulty trusting people?
Do you find it difficult to experience and trust your own feelings?
If the answer is yes, you are not alone.
Here you will also find information related to an upcoming book: Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers from the Legacy of Distorted Love, written by Dr. Karyl McBride.
An anonymous client relates the following;
"The most important gift Dr. McBride gave me and taught me was that no matter what I did in my life, whether it was extremely wonderful or horrifying, it would never change the way my mother is. That the love I hoped for from my mother wasn't ever going to happen the way I wanted it to. The best part about all of this is, I learned that IT'S NOT MY FAULT!!!
Dr. McBride has given me priceless tools that continue to help me through deep rooted narcissistic abuse, so I may live a happier life with myself, my son, my husband, and family. I have given up the old hope of getting my mother's love...In turn, the love in my heart is overflowing and more powerful than I ever imagined."
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I was interviewed by Dr M and cannot wait to read the book and see if portions of my story made it.
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Very neat, Kelly! This is the first time I recall ever hearing of Dr. McBride, but I miss alot on the board during my busier seasons.
Do you know when her book is supposed to come out? I've only just happened across her site and not done much exploring yet.
Carolyn
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I think this summer. Someone mentioned it here and I contacted the Dr and talked with her for over an hour. Her mother was like that so every time I said something she would explain her Behavior to me and it just have me such validation.
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Thank you, Kelly! I signed up to stay in touch re: new developments at her website.
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I plan on buying a copy-reading it cover to cover and then maybe put a post it note on the page with my story and give it to my mom to read.
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I plan on buying a copy-reading it cover to cover and then maybe put a post it note on the page with my story and give it to my mom to read.
Yowza, Kelly. That'll be interesting.. gulp.
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duh! Since the doc has to change names and tweek the story to protect my privacy, my mom will not even get it.
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Kelly, you don't think she'd get a clue, even with that page/section specially marked by a post-it note?
Wow... now that is oblivious.
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I guess it would depend on how close the stories were. But I know when I tell my mom my perception of what happened it almost always is completely different in her mind. I am going to love this cool because it zeros in on the specific things that I and many of us here had to deal with growing up. I love the cover as well. My mom was truly self absorbed and still is. An example is my aunt and the bookkeeper and my mom went to convention and they told them my mom was very well respected.
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My mom goes around like Hillary Clinton and talks about her years of experience and has everybody fooled into thinking she really knows a lot. Problem is she knows about her career in the 70s she knows nothing about the nuts and bolts of running our store-only the theory of it. This goes right along with feeling grandiose with nothing to back it up. And yet she has all these people believing she understands.
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And I do not mean that Hillary does not know what she is doing-I think she does-although I do not think I will vote for her. I have always voted Republican but this time I am watching the democrats closely.
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I get the picture, Kelly. My only brother is that way about his business... when all of us who are aware of the real workings of the thing know how quickly he'd fall without a reliable, knowledgable staff and partner. It's all alot of bluster, really.
But Kelly, I wonder whether most of those people are really expressing their true thoughts when they toss out compliments such as those your mom seems to get. There's a whole slew of empty talk that goes on in some environments (like at church :shock: and conventions, etc.)... and you don't really know what people truly think of her (unless you could hear them in the privacy of their own offices and homes).
All I know is, I've really had to guard my own heart against envy for my brother, because I don't want to spend my thoughts begrudging him any favor he receives... whether I think he deserves it or not. Every ounce of that sort of energy we expend takes away from our own enjoyment and ability to receive in life, you know? It's really like placing a curse on ourselves and we're the only ones who can stop it.
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Wow Certain-someone else who has experienced the smoke and mirrors. And maybe they think she will buy from them if they compliment her. But she does self promote.
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Hi Carolyn,
This looks interesting. I just saw this book the other day when I was researching for Ami about not feeling as if she ever messured up enough to her mom.
I was thinking someone here is going to see this an introduce it our board -- THANK YOU!
Lise
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Hi, Amber
:)
Hi, Lise
:)
You're welcome! I'm aslo anxious to read the book when it comes out.. and monitor the website for developments. Great to know that there's more info available on this topic nowadays!
Oh, Kelly... I do understand. My bro is a master of smoke, mirrors, and bluster... and considers himself quite the entrepeneur, as well as a "star" (he sings). I actually worked for his company for a number of years, which worked out to be mutually beneficial... although for the first few years, I know for a fact he was profiting off my ignorance in a shameful way. While I made a pittance, my work was making him rich. I've not posted about him much in ages, because I don't want to re-stir any animosity within my own heart, but he is quite a character. We haven't spoken in years and I doubt whether he minds that a bit.
Not long ago, I heard from my dad (interesting that my mother never mentioned it) that bro had bought mother a mink coat.
That's an amazing thing, coming from such a cheapskate... and I don't even like the thoughts that went through my mind about that the tiniest bit... so I know that I am MUCH better off to be ignorant of his latest activities.
I don't even want to know.
Love,
Carolyn
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Carolyn-I work with my mom and it is a constant source of frustration. I bet you are relieved to be rid of the day in and day out frustration. Each day I think-more like obsess-about what a phoney she is and how much it enrages me.
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Kelly,
This may seem really dumb, but please bear with me... and keep your answer to one word, okay?
Yes
or
No
Do you have to work with your mom? I mean, is it an absolute necessity at this time?
Remember, just one word - yes or no.
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Yes
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But only for as long as I need the flexibility with my D.
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Just a thought. I am not saying that it is NOT worse ,or harder to "work" with an N mother. However,I left home , went to college, never came back and I STILL was being poisoned ,every day of my life,by my M(my thoughts of her)
At the end,I had "given in" and was going down. I couldn't fight it anymore.
I was thousands of miles away, at that time.
The NM is in your head, your breath, your body. You have to exorcise it and ,finally, I am, with Ann's help. Ann prayed for me to "walk away" from my M .
I am just saying this so Kelly might not feel so desperate. Compost,as needed. Love, Ami
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Good Morning, Kelly :)
Thanks!
Cool, the answer is "Yes". See, I hoped that hearing and seeing yourself reply with a one word response would help you to focus.
That's how I break my own thinking out of obsessive ruts, when I get stuck. This method clears away all the side issues and boils everything down to plain fact.
See, your mother wasn't anywhere in that question...
and she wasn't in the response.
You can ask yourself all sorts of questions and consciously remove her from each individual little picture... clean her out of your thinking.
If she's out of the questions, then how will she get into the answers?
She can't. Don't let her.
Hope that helps.
Love,
Carolyn
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I appreciate your insight, Carolyn. For me to say YES because I need flexibility and never even mention my mom is growth. There has been so much enmeshment that I just cannot see the forest through the trees.
My goal is to get out of there but not if I hurt myself and my daughter. The old cut off your nose to spite your face syndrome.
Yes, the lady drives me crazy but the problem is I allow it. We were talking to a man today and it was quite fun to have an intelligent conversation with a man who used to be in our industry......then mom started in on one of her canned speeches....I just thought to myself.....no wonder my daughter is autistic.....I see her having to rehearse things in order to sound intelligent - she got it from my nmom...
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Oh, you're welcome, Kelly. I agree with you about your growth in this... and I believe you can practice and practice and practice such one-word responses (or similar) and weed out all that other stuff related to you-know-who.
Flexibility to be with your daughter and maximize your time with her is a huge asset... worth alot, right? If the answer is "yes", then you just gotta practice eliminating all the buts (I know, it's very hard). I have cut off my nose to spite my face all of my life. That's why I'm poor :D But I don't mind. You get used to it... lol.
No, actually, I just absolutely couldn't stand it... not with my brother and not with my mother. I'd rather do without (financially) than to play their games.
Anyhow, my next question is: technically, and practically speaking, the way your organization is run there,
is your mom the "boss"? I mean, does she create your job description and direct your activities?
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No. She used to give me things to do and always ask me if I did this or that-pg have not allowed that for years. I pretty much do what I want-she stays out of my way because I have blown up way too many times for her comfort. I figured out I am just so unstable-My refill on progesterone was expired and I was almost a week late-my nerves were frazzled and I was irritable. I have going through menopause.
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Yeah, for almost a year now, I've been experiencing enough of that hormonal shifting to know it's not much fun (((((((Kelly)))))). Never had much pms trouble, but at just a couple years shy of 50, I guess this is my season for the rollercoaster :P :)
Okay, so that's a "No". Your mom is not your boss. Yay!! Another big plus.
So you are your OWN boss, thoroughly knowledgeable about the business and able to regulate your own schedule and work load?
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Yes and 48 Years old
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You're 48, also, Kelly? I will be, in a month.
Tough season, it is... and in many ways, feels alot like age 13 again... lol.
You know, Kelly, seems to me that you've shown that you're able to think in terms of yourself as a self-directed individual...
so maybe if you allow yourself to obsess about your mother for a maximum of 15 minutes per day, and just get it out of the way first thing in the morning, before work, then you'll be able to go through the day without tallying up all the idiotic stuff she does (cuz you know that you'll get a good night's sleep before it's time to obsess again... lol). What do you think?