Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Gabben on February 20, 2008, 12:41:45 PM
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For the last few months I have been reactive, angry, indignant, ragefull, bitter, contemptuous, emotional, crying, sobbing, screaming, hurting.
The bottom line.............................. I have been healing.
Notice in the list that I did not say that I have been depressed, or suffering anxiety or addiction. That is because I am not suffering from those symptoms which are usually symptoms of deeper underlining issues such as the buried emotions I have been in touch with above.
In order to get better we sometimes have to regress.
For over 6 months memories have flooded me. The memories of my emotional abandonment as an infant along with the rejection of self. The physical abandonments before the ages of 5. The anguish and agony of being caught in between two worlds for most of my childhood; the world of needing love and the reality of not being loved.
After many years of working on old wounds, I have been in the deepest layer of my pain, I can feel it. My heart aches with bitterness, it just hurts. My heart hurts with a pain that feels like someone is stabbing it or burning it.
You cannot heal what you cannot feel.
Our brains and bodies were not designed for evil. We were designed for love. Trauma/wounds are the brain trying to absorb the reality of evil. The brain actually attacks against itself in that battle to fight off the reality of evil. Which is why we become self destructive and out of touch with reality.
How does one heal such deep wounds, for me it is with God -- He has never let me down. He has led me to good therapists, good friends and to truth. And, the Sacrament of Confession where I admit my faults and shortcoming, asking God to remove them from the root so that I do not have to keep confessing the same sins over and over.
Even though I have been hurting deeply I am healing deeply.
It does not make it right for me to act out or to hurt myself and others. All I can do is look at myself and keep humbling myself admit my problems and shortcomings -- stay willing to grow.
Today I feel REAL ACTUAL release from the deep wound in my brain, the wound were I turned on self in order to seek relief from the abuse of neglect and rejection. Now I am able to accept the hurt of others and just be with it all the while offering it up with no desire to harm self and others. This is huge progress! And, YES! I quit smoking!!!
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1. As a result of abuse, the child experiences
painful fear and hatred of the abuser(s).
2. But because the child feels essentially
powerless to stop the abuse or to convince
anyone to help, the child begins to perceive
the whole world as "unfair."
3. The child blames the world for being un-
fair, and, at the same time, begins to blame
himself or herself for not being "good
enough" to put up a successful fight against
the world.
4. The child learns that blaming the world
does not provide any immediate gratifica-
tion, and that punishing the world is not an
easy task, but that blaming the self-and
punishing the self-can provide immediate
and controlled satisfaction.
5, Because this self-destructive behavior is
unconsciously directed against the world,
however, and not against the self, the child
cannot realize, let alone accept consciously,
that he or she is now causing most of his or
her own pain.
6, Therefore, the child grows into an adult
who harbors an aching bitterness against
the world for its unpunished abuses, and,
at the same time, at every disappointment
he or she will find some convenient, secret
means of self-sabotage-and will then feel
justified in saying, "Look what they did to
me! It's not fair!"
And what strange satisfaction maintains all this
self-destruction? Well, it's the satisfaction of
unconsciously hoping to show the world how wrong it
is. Like Hamlet holding a mirror up to his mother,
hoping that she will see in herself the responsibility
she played in the death of the king, the person
trapped in victim anger will hold
up his own destruction as "evidence" that, he hopes,
will condemn the world.
Thus you might hear someone saying, "So what if I get
cancer from smoking? Maybe it will serve them right.
Then they will see how much I had to suffer," And so
this unfortunate life will end, just like Hamlet,
cluttered with death and destruction.
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Gabben - I am so glad for you that you are experiencing that deep healing.
I really connect with you writings about the wounding and bitterness and self-sabotage (I think of it as holding on to victimization or self-pity) in order for the world to see (and apologize and make right) the suffering that I have been experiencing. Thank you for putting this out on the board.
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Gabben - I am so glad for you that you are experiencing that deep healing.
I really connect with you writings about the wounding and bitterness and self-sabotage (I think of it as holding on to victimization or self-pity) in order for the world to see (and apologize and make right) the suffering that I have been experiencing. Thank you for putting this out on the board.
GS -- you are welcome. Healing takes courage........................tons of courage. It takes humility.......... it is a long........................long journey.
Most people lack that courage, humility and the strength to face the reality of their wounds, that is why they stay trapped in the subtle or not so subtle cycle of victim anger and victimhood, like myself.
Most people won't admit it though.
Even though I am I am seeking to get out of it, it is like being pulled from quicksand.
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I love the things I read
nogadge
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I love the things I read
nogadge
Me, too.
Lise, this is so good... and I am so profoundly thankful for you - and for your progress - and for the way you share it here.
For a couple years now, I've read stuff along these lines, similar, but always with something missing. Maybe at least part of the something missing was within me... but now, for the first time, I am coming to understand it with my heart.
This:
... the person
trapped in victim anger will hold
up his own destruction as "evidence" that, he hopes,
will condemn the world.
and your thread about masochism vs true humility... yes, it's adding up.
Thank you.
Carolyn
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I'm glad you liked this Carolyn.
I just read something on another thread about the people here who seem to cause all of the tension, which I know people blame me.
They call this pain "self loathing"....I had to chuckle at that, even though it hurt. If they only knew. No this is not self-loathing...because I actually really care about myself and it takes great self compassion to get to this level of healing.
Thanks,
Lise
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Dear Lise,
To me, there's a huge difference between self-examination toward the goal of transparency and recovery... and self-loathing.
Maybe a few days or weeks on this board feels like ages, on occasion, but it's all just a drop in the bucket of an entire lifetime which has been consumed by emptiness and abuse. I think we can spare the time if it brings revelation and healing. I know that I can.
Love,
Carolyn
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Dear Lise,
To me, there's a huge difference between self-examination toward the goal of transparency and recovery... and self-loathing.
Maybe a few days or weeks on this board feels like ages, on occasion, but it's all just a drop in the bucket of an entire lifetime which has been consumed by emptiness and abuse. I think we can spare the time if it brings revelation and healing. I know that I can.
Love,
Carolyn
Wow Carolyn ,
That was deep. Can I have what you are on :wink:.
Lately, when I read your posts I'm blown away with your gentleness and love. It is like everyone here on the board knows that when they see a Carolyn post they are going to get a warm hug.
What a blessing you are to me at this very painful time. If you have not been here for me, in internetland, I would not know what I would have done through all of this.
I want to grow in your compassion and gentleness.
Love,
Lise
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:oops: (((((((Lise))))))) I feel like you just gave me a warm hug.
I'm on a gratitude high... and you know why. Just loving on the Lord who's met all of my needs and cleaned up my mess.
Thank you.
Love,
Carolyn
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Carolyn,
Do you think if I just keep offering up my heart, full of anger and bitterness, to God that he will heal me so that I can become more tolerant, patient, gentle and loving?
On Saturday I went to Adoration of the blessed Sacrament. As I was sitting there I heard God speak softly in my heart to trust Him with all matters.
It seems that the anger and hurt will never go away...oh how I just want to grow spiritually and love others with completeness, even my enemies.
"Trust Me" God says.
Lise
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Carolyn,
Do you think if I just keep offering up my heart, full of anger and bitterness, to God that he will heal me so that I can become more tolerant, patient, gentle and loving?
On Saturday I went to Adoration of the blessed Sacrament. As I was sitting there I heard God speak softly in my heart to trust Him with all matters.
It seems that the anger and hurt will never go away...oh how I just want to grow spiritually and love others with completeness, even my enemies.
"Trust Me" God says.
Lise
Lise,
Yes, I believe that God will heal you, as you offer your heart to Him - - "not my will, but Thine be done."
You posted something very recently and I can't recall the words, but the thought was the same as what I understand about sanctification...
that we cannot break our ties to the flesh by willpower... but only by willing submission to the Holy Spirit - "Not by might, nor by power, but by MY Spirit, saith the Lord of hosts."
I know that you trust God, Lise. I know in my heart that every step you take here, every word you type, is a step forward in faith.
This is what makes you so real to me... and so very rare.
Consider some of the Old Testament heros of the faith and their times of testing, of growth...
Moses is a good one...
killed that Egyptian because of his sense of justice and righteousness.
God had promised that He'd release the Israelites from bondage, but not by killing off their captors one at a time!
It's good to wait on the Lord, Lise. Wait for those waters to part and before you know it you're crossing on dry land... not because you built a dam, but because the Wind blew.
Love,
Carolyn
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Hi Lise,
question for you - when you understand the source(s) of your anger, does it come as more of a relief to express it?
I don't remember where I read it, but it was in one of my books, that the anger I felt due to my parents abuse should be rightfully expressed or mirrored back to them - maybe it was in Divorcing a Parent. Perhaps not literally, but in a therapeutic sort of Confrontation. The image I have is of my parent sitting in a chair in front of me, and of me telling them how and why they hurt me. This doesn't mean raging back at them, it means expressing the anger (appropriately) to the one I was truly angry with.
I don't know if you've thought about this. I'd be interested to hear your thoughts on confronting an abusive person, if you have heard of this.
bean
Hi Bean,
Not being a therapist I can only share my own experience with processing anger.
Recently, I heard that expressing anger only teaches/encourages/strengthens and fuels the emotion of anger or action of anger which we know is not healthy.
After many years of struggling with my anger I came to realize that under my anger was a raw excruciating pain and that my anger was a defense against the raw pain.
Any expression of anger was a defense or retaliation. However, since my wounds were so deep, meaning back to the womb and back to my earliest memories, I had a lot of repressed old anger or rage at the mistreatment at my caregiver, my mom.
For a long time I thought that the solution for healing would be for me to feel and re-experiece the old rage that I had turned inward to myself and morphed into addictions such as smoking, OCD and other self-destructive behaviors.
Also, I too heard that directing your anger at the source such as our parents can help. It was actually a hope that I could direct my anger at my parents so that I could stop hurting myself.
BUT:
(brief story)
When my biological father came back into my life in my 20's I was out of touch with my rage at his abandonment and betrayal of me. It was not until my 30's that I began to really feel that anger. It was then that I wrote him a very angry letter expressing my feelings, not attacking but just getting my pain down on paper. He was open to reading the letter, which he did, it helped bring us closer but I can't say it was the catalyst for me in healing anger or managing it better. I can honestly say that if the angry letter was never written yet I continued to work on my issues, I would have been able to get to this place of healing/health, embracing my hurt without any desire to express anger but simply just hurt and know that the hurt heals.
After I read this piece on victim anger I started doing more research and reading up on OCD, deep wounds and how to heal them. It was then that my heart was the most rageful and the my OCD behavior was at it's worse.
Most recently I have found profound release as well as an entire psychological shift that has felt like a new perception of reality has come over me and new behaviors (THAT ARE AUTOMATIC) It is really quite liberating and amazing; for so long I was moving through the dark muck of anger and kicking and screaming.
Here was my path or process to free myself from anger and the self-destructive behaviors:
Upon finding this article about victim anger I began to reflect, contemplate and meditate on it. It occurred to me that so much of my behavior was about seeking relief, so I thought, seeking relief from what? The answer: a deep excruciating pain that was at times unbearable and the only strength I found to stay with it came from the power of hope and my faith in God.
Without medications and without reaching outside of myself, peeling back the defenses and finally just allowing myself to ache, hurt -- it was a Grace.
I've been deeply emotionally wounded in my life. If it was a physical wound then I would dress the wound, nurture it and take the time and steps to heal it.
That is what I do with my hurt. I take long baths, I listen soothing music. Must most importantly I just allow myself to be incapacitated and wounded offering it up and refusing to retaliate against myself or anyone -- it is not over yet but I can see amazing progress in myself.
Hope that helps.
Lise
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I'm anger phobic.
Being around it causes me to wither and spring up a barricade.
Hops
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I'm anger phobic.
Being around it causes me to wither and spring up a barricade.
Hops
Thanks (((((((((((Hops)))))))))))) for your post -- grateful for your input.
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So this is what my phobia is? It's good to know I'm not just a big chicken, now that I know others reach to violent onslaughts the same way.
nogadge :)
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So this is what my phobia is? It's good to know I'm not just a big chicken, now that I know others reach to violent onslaughts the same way.
nogadge :)
Hi Nogadge,
I'm not sure I get what you are saying but I think it is supportive (((((Nogadge)))))
Anger is not an easy thing to overcome. What makes it harder is when others make you feel ashamed for the anger which is what my Nmom did to me. I was not allowed to express my anger at her injustices that is why I stuffed it and why now, as an adult I have had to relearn and re-feel it to heal grow and overcome being an angry person.
There really is nothing wrong with the God given emotion of anger what is wrong what we do with it that is unhealthy.
Peace,
Gabben
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I began reading this tread again thanks to your renewing post Besee. This is a significant thread for me. It really touches profoundly the depth of th struggle to heal any aspect of the deep psychological damage done growing up with my N parents. I agree by my experience that expressing anger actually just feeds it. It does feel good but it just grows and grows. It feels good when it explodes but then it engenders shame which aggrevates the deep pain and a cycle grows.
I have found a few ways of dealing with anger. One is to forgive. For me that means forgiving in my heart and imagining a conversation where a problem is resolved. It means imagining a change of heart for th people who have been unkind or damaging. And for me it means getting at the shaming experience that I have lived with far, far too long. And that has been ever more difficult than dealing with the anger.
This has been one of the best threads for me as it really gets at some of the nitty, gritty ways to get at real, life transforming healing. Thanks.
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I think that GS has a wonderful point. In fact, there were two people who treated me unfairly, whom I was kind to. It IS the ultimate freedom, GS, isn't it?
Ami
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Dear Besee,
For me, I think it's been about the anger feeling safer... because to admit that beneath it was hurt, meant that there was seemingly no solution for it. Of course, anger offers no solution, either, but for a time it appeared to... if I could get angry enough to cut myself off from whomever/whatever seemed to provoke it.
These days, I rarely get angry with people... but I do feel some great amounts of sadness and disappointment, at times.
What I'm learning is that as much as the sad disappointment may hurt, it does diminish and, in some circumstances, end.
The only factor which prolongs it is if I take that left turn back into anger again! Not going there is a simple matter of reprogramming the mental processes, for sure - - recognizing that I can choose which feelings upon which to build and which to reject as unprofitable. The very fact that it's my choice was enough to make me madder, before... lol... but I think now that's all part of growing up. ((((((Besee))))))
Love,
Carolyn
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((((((((Besee)))))))) thank you... your hugs help.
I've thought the same about my maternal aunt (always suffering that endless, helpless hurt) and her very un-emotional, un-empathetic sister, my mother. Their mother was 100 percent cognitive, as far as I could see... and her two daughters seemed to choose diametrically opposed paths as far as dealing with their own emotions (or lack of them :?).
Seems like I've pretty much exhausted my own feelings about the past. There are still some occasional olf triggers, but now it's more like - oh yeah, there's that again. I think what I've got now are some very real and very current feelings, which I'm just not accustomed to having surface so readily. It's disorienting. I can share some of them here, and some with my children (especially the two girls who are grown now)... but my husband, for instance, is another story. He's another very cognitive one... and so... it's kinda like being all dressed up with no place to go, where my newly discovered feelings are concerned. Most of them, I just take to God in prayer...
yet I'm consciously concerned about not returning to ultra cognitive mode again. Definitely know what I don't want! I don't want to be like my husband in style... No more blending in to suit, like it always used to be. But as I practice being me... I am more alone than ever before... because I don't know how to reach out to the cognitive ones without losing myself again... and maybe that's just how it is.
Love to you,
Carolyn
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Hi Gabben,
Healing! Healing! Healing! Don't quit. You're on a roll, albeit painful. So honored that I get to weep with you and laugh with you and share your burdens.
Love,
tt
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Hi besee & lollie,
If a raised brow indicates condemning, what does a wink where there are more than two indicate?
I was just thinking of this a few days ago and wondering.
tt
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besee BEHAVE! :lol:
I was thinking of a passage in the Bible a few days ago about winking. So when I saw that you and lollie were discussing body language I thought I'd ask what winking indicated. I did a reference and found the verse I was thinking about just now.
Psalm 35:19
Let not them that are mine enemies wrongfully rejoice over me: neither let them wink with the eye that hate me without a cause.
Another translation uses the word make sport of me instead of wink.
tt
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resentment for me was indeed the keystone to turning the corner for me. I didn't realize it until I read your post Lollie. Last year I FINALLY understood how full of resentment I had been my entire life and slowly but surely I could begin to name it. I saw, for the first time, how seething with resentment, I had been someone who my childhood friends had simply lost all interest in being around. It is still painful for me to be completely frank about how damaging being eaten up with resentment was.
Oddly enough, it is not that the resentment wasn't justified - it was. But it did noone damage except me. And the damage it did was incalculable. But now if and when I catch myself feeling resentment I am finally able to let it go and give it up before it festers and does real harm.
For many, many years I tried over and over to change my attitude from a rotten, pessimistic, negative, caustic, sceptic to a positive and joyful person. No luck. But how could I, I was eaten up with resentment and was blind to that. Resentment can certainly gt in the way of being positive and joyful. Oh not that I couldn't try but it was just another example of driving through life with my foot on the break. Boy is that a lot of wasted energy.
Once I got through the resentment what was left was fear. And that is what I have been dealing with now. The fear is easier to overcome than the resentment but it is not quick. I feel llike once I fgured out resentment then the leak was sprung in the dam and the dark ooze has been draining ever since.
Thanks for this remarkable thread.
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Hi besee,
Yes, Gabben posted a fairly concise picture start to finish of what takes place in a childs psyche while under the control of N parent or caretaker. I think the Members Story board gives an invaluable and broader overview as well. I can't imagine how it must feel to have a mind that has not dealt with the warp and woof of narcissistic manipulation and abuse.
tt
Gabben,
I'm so loving it that light bulbs are going off for you during this painful period of healing. Comparing you to where I was about 4 - 5 years ago, I'd say that after this period, things will begin to let up for you. I so hope so.
Love,
tt
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Resentment = chewing on poison and waiting for the other to die
Drain on, GS.
I hear you.
love
Hops
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Hi ((Lollie)) ((Besee)) ((GS)) ((Phoenix)) ((Ami)) ((tt)) ((hops)) (((Carolyn)))
I've been away on mini retreat for a couple of days. I'm just now reading this thread.
Besee -- I'm happy that this information was insight for you. It proves for me to be the most insightful and useful aid to getting deep into the pain of my abuse as a child, this was the pain that was fueling my resentments and rage that was being directed towards myself in many manifesttations. I meditated and reflected on this blaming myself to seek relief and then minfully watching my behaviors to see exactly how I was doing this to escape from the pain.
I tell Ami that I have to take time out of my life to allow the hurt to surface and just be with the pain as I feel it wave through me to pass through me I pray for forgiveness as well as I pray for those whom I still fear resentment towards. It just keeps getting better and better but it sure is a process that take hard work and willingness. My anger is dissolving, slowly.
Lollie -- just as I was reading through Besee and GS's dialogue I started think about resentments how do I get rid of them (even with all of my experience in AA and with resentments I still struggle from time to time -- In cluding this morning). So I was happy to see your post, perfect timing in this thread. THAT WAS A HUGE HELP -- I'm ordering the book!!
GS -- "Once I got through the resentment what was left was fear. And that is what I have been dealing with now. The fear is easier to overcome than the resentment but it is not quick. I feel like once I figured out resentment then the leak was sprung in the dam and the dark ooze has been draining ever since."
I could so related to this. Thank you for your candor. Lately I have felt fears come over me, as I read your post I realized that these are the fears that were under my resentments. Fear of my being loved, fear of rejection fear, of what others think etc. It was as if I was 3 years old all over again, afraid with no one to turn to. I wonder if we can repress fear because as I just allowed the fear to wave through me the fear dissipated and soothing comforting feeling of detachment came over me. What do you think?
Gabben
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For me, I think it's been about the anger feeling safer...
Exactly, this one line causes me to reflect on how much I am addicted to safety in my life. I depend on security, emotional, financial extra.
However, I am not as attached as I used to be but the fear is what is under and generating so much of the hurt and rage against the world so to speak. The primal infantile fears of not getting my needs met which could lead me to die. At least for me because so much of this pain and anger that had surfaced this past year was infantile and first three years of life rage and hurt as just the deprivation of genuine love and the pain of what toxic love at the hands of a N parent did to me.
Miss you Carolyn! Love.........Gab.
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(((((Carolyn)))))
because I don't know how to reach out to the cognitive ones without losing myself
again... and maybe that's just how it is.
I feel lonely around a cognitive friend
love, besee
(((((((((((Besee)))))))))))) exactly, yes. It's a lonely feeling indeed... and just reading this from you gives me so much relief... thank you! See... I'm so conscious that at my current stage of life... I shouldn't necessarily trust my own feelings when they start to emote... lol. I mean, they can go pretty bonkers, at the drop of a hat... and by the patterns, the ebbing and flowing, it must be mainly hormonal. And I shoulda known better than to say that I rarely get angry anymore... famous last words :P cuz then, of course, that was tested... but it's okay now, I didn't explode. Just had a very damp and weepy couple days feeling pitiful. Sometimes I think that I would be far more suited for a desert island. And then my hormones shift. ugh. Anyhow, thanks... you are a blessing.
((((((((((((Lise)))))))))))) I have missed you alot and wondered where you were. I've not read the board much past couple days, but saw your name here and rejoiced! So happy to know you were able to take a brief retreat... and very glad to read you again.
You wrote: Exactly, this one line causes me to reflect on how much I am addicted to safety in my life. I depend on security, emotional, financial extra.
However, I am not as attached as I used to be but the fear is what is under and generating so much of the hurt and rage against the world so to speak. The primal infantile fears of not getting my needs met which could lead me to die. At least for me because so much of this pain and anger that had surfaced this past year was infantile and first three years of life rage and hurt as just the deprivation of genuine love and the pain of what toxic love at the hands of a N parent did to me.
Miss you Carolyn! Love.........Gab.
Lise, I am extremely security-conscious still, in some regards... and here I'd thought I had that beat, you know?! I mean, I've lost so much (materially) over the years... yet the deep yearning for emotional safety is still there. At times, I've felt the need to repent of this, because that fear runs so counter to the faith which generally keeps me afloat. But other times, I don't wanna repent, doggone it... I want to be able to control my own destiny and not have to always be so far out on that old limb... waaaa. Yeah, it's been a rough couple days. I got angry... and upset... and wanted to run away from home. Too old for that nonsense... lol. Anyhow, I'm babbling.... but I hear you, loud and clear... and you're not alone!!
Hope you'll be able to post some more, Lise... your contributions are invaluable.
Love,
Carolyn