Author Topic: Healing emotional wounds -- Victim Anger  (Read 4735 times)

Gabben

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Healing emotional wounds -- Victim Anger
« on: February 20, 2008, 12:41:45 PM »
For the last few months I have been reactive, angry, indignant, ragefull, bitter, contemptuous, emotional, crying, sobbing, screaming, hurting.

The bottom line.............................. I have been healing.

Notice in the list that I did not say that I have been depressed, or suffering anxiety or addiction. That is because I am not suffering from those symptoms which are usually symptoms of deeper underlining issues such as the buried emotions I have been in touch with above.

In order to get better we sometimes have to regress.

For over 6 months memories have flooded me. The memories of my emotional abandonment as an infant along with the rejection of self. The physical abandonments before the ages of 5. The anguish and agony of being caught in between two worlds for most of my childhood; the world of needing love and the reality of not being loved.

After many years of working on old wounds, I have been in the deepest layer of my pain, I can feel it. My heart aches with bitterness, it just hurts. My heart hurts with a pain that feels like someone is stabbing it or burning it.

You cannot heal what you cannot feel.

Our brains and bodies were not designed for evil. We were designed for love. Trauma/wounds are the brain trying to absorb the reality of evil.  The brain actually attacks against itself in that battle to fight off the reality of evil. Which is why we become self destructive and out of touch with reality.

How does one heal such deep wounds, for me it is with God -- He has never let me down. He has led me to good therapists, good friends and to truth. And, the Sacrament of Confession where I admit my faults and shortcoming, asking God to remove them from the root so that I do not have to keep confessing the same sins over and over.

Even though I have been hurting deeply I am healing deeply.

It does not make it right for me to act out or to hurt myself and others. All I can do is look at myself and keep humbling myself admit my problems and shortcomings -- stay willing to grow.


Today I feel REAL ACTUAL release from the deep wound in my brain, the wound were I turned on self in order to seek relief from the abuse of neglect and rejection. Now I am able to accept the hurt of others and just be with it all the while offering it up with no desire to harm self and others. This is huge progress! And, YES! I quit smoking!!!


----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. As a result of abuse, the child experiences     
painful fear and hatred of the abuser(s).     
 
2. But because the child feels essentially     
powerless to stop the abuse or to convince     
anyone to help, the child begins to perceive     
the whole world as "unfair."     

3. The child blames the world for being un-     
fair,
and, at the same time, begins to blame     
himself or herself for not being "good     
enough" to put up a successful fight against     
the world.     

4. The child learns that blaming the world     
does not provide any immediate gratifica-     
tion, and that punishing the world is not an     
easy task, but that blaming the self-and     
punishing the self-can provide immediate     
and controlled satisfaction
.     

5, Because this self-destructive behavior is     
unconsciously directed against the world,
however, and not against the self, the child     
cannot realize, let alone accept consciously,     
that he or she is now causing most of his or     
her own pain.   

6, Therefore, the child grows into an adult     
who harbors an aching bitterness against     
the world for its unpunished abuses, and,     
at the same time, at every disappointment     
he or she will find some convenient, secret     
means of self-sabotage-and will then feel     
justified in saying, "Look what they did to     
me! It's not fair!"     



And what strange satisfaction maintains all this
self-destruction? Well, it's the satisfaction of
unconsciously hoping to show the world how wrong it
is. Like Hamlet holding a mirror up to his mother,
hoping that she will see in herself the responsibility
she played in the death of the king, the person
trapped in victim anger will hold     
up his own destruction as "evidence" that, he hopes,
will condemn the world.
 
Thus you might hear someone saying, "So what if I get
cancer from smoking? Maybe it will serve them right.
Then they will see how much I had to suffer," And so
this unfortunate life will end, just like Hamlet,
cluttered with death and destruction.

« Last Edit: February 20, 2008, 01:24:28 PM by Gabben »

Gaining Strength

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Re: Healing emotional wounds -- Victim Anger
« Reply #1 on: February 20, 2008, 01:54:34 PM »
Gabben - I am so glad for you that you are experiencing that deep healing.

I really connect with you writings about the wounding and bitterness and self-sabotage (I think of it as holding on to victimization or self-pity) in order for the world to see (and apologize and make right) the suffering that I have been experiencing.  Thank you for putting this out on the board.

Gabben

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Re: Healing emotional wounds -- Victim Anger
« Reply #2 on: February 20, 2008, 02:11:21 PM »
Gabben - I am so glad for you that you are experiencing that deep healing.

I really connect with you writings about the wounding and bitterness and self-sabotage (I think of it as holding on to victimization or self-pity) in order for the world to see (and apologize and make right) the suffering that I have been experiencing.  Thank you for putting this out on the board.


GS -- you are welcome. Healing takes courage........................tons of courage. It takes humility.......... it is a long........................long journey.

Most people lack that courage, humility and the strength to face the reality of their wounds, that is why they stay trapped in the subtle or not so subtle cycle of victim anger and victimhood, like myself.

Most people won't admit it though.

Even though I am I am seeking to get out of it, it is like being pulled from quicksand.


nogadge

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Re: Healing emotional wounds -- Victim Anger
« Reply #3 on: February 20, 2008, 02:18:40 PM »
I love the things I read
nogadge

Certain Hope

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Re: Healing emotional wounds -- Victim Anger
« Reply #4 on: February 20, 2008, 08:22:36 PM »
I love the things I read
nogadge

Me, too.

Lise, this is so good... and I am so profoundly thankful for you - and for your progress - and for the way you share it here.

For a couple years now, I've read stuff along these lines, similar, but always with something missing. Maybe at least part of the something missing was within me... but now, for the first time, I am coming to understand it with my heart.

This:

...  the person
trapped in victim anger will hold     
up his own destruction as "evidence" that, he hopes,
will condemn the world.



and your thread about masochism vs true humility... yes, it's adding up.

Thank you.

Carolyn

Gabben

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Re: Healing emotional wounds -- Victim Anger
« Reply #5 on: February 20, 2008, 08:35:07 PM »
I'm glad you liked this Carolyn.

I just read something on another thread about the people here who seem to cause all of the tension, which I know people blame me.

They call this pain "self loathing"....I had to chuckle at that, even though it hurt. If they only knew. No this is not self-loathing...because I actually really care about myself and it takes great self compassion to get to this level of healing.

Thanks,
Lise






Certain Hope

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Re: Healing emotional wounds -- Victim Anger
« Reply #6 on: February 20, 2008, 08:51:33 PM »
Dear Lise,

To me, there's a huge difference between self-examination toward the goal of transparency and recovery...  and self-loathing.

Maybe a few days or weeks on this board feels like ages, on occasion, but it's all just a drop in the bucket of an entire lifetime which has been consumed by emptiness and abuse. I think we can spare the time if it brings revelation and healing. I know that I can.

Love,
Carolyn

Gabben

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Re: Healing emotional wounds -- Victim Anger
« Reply #7 on: February 20, 2008, 08:57:09 PM »
Dear Lise,

To me, there's a huge difference between self-examination toward the goal of transparency and recovery...  and self-loathing.

Maybe a few days or weeks on this board feels like ages, on occasion, but it's all just a drop in the bucket of an entire lifetime which has been consumed by emptiness and abuse. I think we can spare the time if it brings revelation and healing. I know that I can.

Love,
Carolyn


Wow Carolyn ,

That was deep. Can I have what you are on :wink:.

Lately, when I read your posts I'm blown away with your gentleness and love. It is like everyone here on the board knows that when they see a Carolyn post they are going to get a warm hug.


What a blessing you are to me at this very painful time. If you have not been here for me, in internetland, I would not know what I would have done through all of this.

I want to grow in your compassion and gentleness.


Love,
Lise

Certain Hope

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Re: Healing emotional wounds -- Victim Anger
« Reply #8 on: February 20, 2008, 08:59:52 PM »
 :oops:  (((((((Lise)))))))  I feel like you just gave me a warm hug.

I'm on a gratitude high... and you know why. Just loving on the Lord who's met all of my needs and cleaned up my mess.

Thank you.

Love,
Carolyn

Gabben

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Re: Healing emotional wounds -- Victim Anger
« Reply #9 on: February 20, 2008, 09:03:18 PM »
Carolyn,

Do you think if I just keep offering up my heart, full of anger and bitterness, to God that he will heal me so that I can become more tolerant, patient, gentle and loving?

On Saturday I went to Adoration of the blessed Sacrament. As I was sitting there I heard God speak softly in my heart to trust Him with all matters.

It seems that the anger and hurt will never go away...oh how I just want to grow spiritually and love others with completeness, even my enemies.

"Trust Me" God says.

Lise

Certain Hope

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Re: Healing emotional wounds -- Victim Anger
« Reply #10 on: February 20, 2008, 09:29:02 PM »
Carolyn,

Do you think if I just keep offering up my heart, full of anger and bitterness, to God that he will heal me so that I can become more tolerant, patient, gentle and loving?

On Saturday I went to Adoration of the blessed Sacrament. As I was sitting there I heard God speak softly in my heart to trust Him with all matters.

It seems that the anger and hurt will never go away...oh how I just want to grow spiritually and love others with completeness, even my enemies.

"Trust Me" God says.

Lise

Lise,

Yes, I believe that God will heal you, as you offer your heart to Him - -  "not my will, but Thine be done."

You posted something very recently and I can't recall the words, but the thought was the same as what I understand about sanctification...
that we cannot break our ties to the flesh by willpower... but only by willing submission to the Holy Spirit - "Not by might, nor by power, but by MY Spirit, saith the Lord of hosts."

I know that you trust God, Lise. I know in my heart that every step you take here, every word you type, is a step forward in faith.
This is what makes you so real to me... and so very rare.
Consider some of the Old Testament heros of the faith and their times of testing, of growth...
Moses is a good one...
killed that Egyptian because of his sense of justice and righteousness.
God had promised that He'd release the Israelites from bondage, but not by killing off their captors one at a time!
It's good to wait on the Lord, Lise. Wait for those waters to part and before you know it you're crossing on dry land... not because you built a dam, but because the Wind blew.

Love,
Carolyn

Gabben

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Re: Healing emotional wounds -- Victim Anger
« Reply #11 on: February 27, 2008, 12:31:05 PM »
Hi Lise,

question for you - when you understand the source(s) of your anger, does it come as more of a relief to express it?

I don't remember where I read it, but it was in one of my books, that the anger I felt due to my parents abuse should be rightfully expressed or mirrored back to them - maybe it was in Divorcing a Parent.  Perhaps not literally, but in a therapeutic sort of Confrontation.  The image I have is of my parent sitting in a chair in front of me, and of me telling them how and why they hurt me.  This doesn't mean raging back at them, it means expressing the anger (appropriately) to the one I was truly angry with.

I don't know if you've thought about this.  I'd be interested to hear your thoughts on confronting an abusive person, if you have heard of this.

bean

Hi Bean,

Not being a therapist I can only share my own experience with processing anger.

Recently, I heard that expressing anger only teaches/encourages/strengthens and fuels the emotion of anger or action of anger which we know is not healthy.


After many years of struggling with my anger I came to realize that under my anger was a raw excruciating pain and that my anger was a defense against the raw pain.

Any expression of anger was a defense or retaliation. However, since my wounds were so deep, meaning back to the womb and back to my earliest memories, I had a lot of repressed old anger or rage at the mistreatment at my caregiver, my mom.

For a long time I thought that the solution for healing would be for me to feel and re-experiece the old rage that I had turned inward to myself and morphed into addictions such as smoking, OCD and other self-destructive behaviors.

Also, I too heard that directing your anger at the source such as our parents can help. It was actually a hope that I could direct my anger at my parents so that I could stop hurting myself.

BUT:


(brief story)
When my biological father came back into my life in my 20's I was out of touch with my rage at his abandonment and betrayal of me. It was not until my 30's that I began to really feel that anger. It was then that I wrote him a very angry letter expressing my feelings, not attacking but just getting my pain down on paper. He was open to reading the letter, which he did, it helped bring us closer but I can't say it was the catalyst for me in healing anger or managing it better. I can honestly say that if the angry letter was never written yet I continued to work on my issues, I would have been able to get to this place of healing/health, embracing my hurt without any desire to express anger but simply just hurt and know that the hurt heals.


After I read this piece on victim anger I started doing more research and reading up on OCD, deep wounds and how to heal them. It was then that my heart was the most rageful and the my OCD behavior was at it's worse.

Most recently I have found profound release as well as an entire psychological shift that has felt like a new perception of reality has come over me and new behaviors (THAT ARE AUTOMATIC) It is really quite liberating and amazing; for so long I was moving through the dark muck of anger and kicking and screaming.

Here was my path or process to free myself from anger and the self-destructive behaviors:

Upon finding this article about victim anger I began to reflect, contemplate and meditate on it. It occurred to me that so much of my behavior was about seeking relief, so I thought, seeking relief from what? The answer: a deep excruciating pain that was at times unbearable and the only strength I found to stay with it came from the power of hope and my faith in God.

Without medications and without reaching outside of myself, peeling back the defenses and finally just allowing myself to ache, hurt -- it was a Grace.

I've been deeply emotionally wounded in my life. If it was a physical wound then I would dress the wound, nurture it and take the time and steps to heal it.

That is what I do with my hurt. I take long baths, I listen soothing music. Must most importantly I just allow myself to be incapacitated and wounded offering it up and refusing to retaliate against myself or anyone -- it is not over yet but I can see amazing progress in myself.

Hope that helps.

Lise

Hopalong

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Re: Healing emotional wounds -- Victim Anger
« Reply #12 on: February 27, 2008, 05:53:13 PM »
I'm anger phobic.
Being around it causes me to wither and spring up a barricade.

Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Gabben

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Re: Healing emotional wounds -- Victim Anger
« Reply #13 on: February 27, 2008, 05:57:01 PM »
I'm anger phobic.
Being around it causes me to wither and spring up a barricade.

Hops


Thanks (((((((((((Hops)))))))))))) for your post -- grateful for your input.


nogadge

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Re: Healing emotional wounds -- Victim Anger
« Reply #14 on: February 27, 2008, 06:13:10 PM »
So this is what my phobia is?  It's good to know I'm not just a big chicken, now that I know others reach to violent onslaughts the same way.
nogadge :)