Hi Lise,
question for you - when you understand the source(s) of your anger, does it come as more of a relief to express it?
I don't remember where I read it, but it was in one of my books, that the anger I felt due to my parents abuse should be rightfully expressed or mirrored back to them - maybe it was in Divorcing a Parent. Perhaps not literally, but in a therapeutic sort of Confrontation. The image I have is of my parent sitting in a chair in front of me, and of me telling them how and why they hurt me. This doesn't mean raging back at them, it means expressing the anger (appropriately) to the one I was truly angry with.
I don't know if you've thought about this. I'd be interested to hear your thoughts on confronting an abusive person, if you have heard of this.
bean
Hi Bean,
Not being a therapist I can only share my own experience with processing anger.
Recently, I heard that expressing anger only teaches/encourages/strengthens and fuels the emotion of anger or action of anger which we know is not healthy.
After many years of struggling with my anger I came to realize that under my anger was a raw excruciating pain and that my anger was a defense against the raw pain.
Any expression of anger was a defense or retaliation. However, since my wounds were so deep, meaning back to the womb and back to my earliest memories, I had a lot of repressed old anger or rage at the mistreatment at my caregiver, my mom.
For a long time I thought that the solution for healing would be for me to feel and re-experiece the old rage that I had turned inward to myself and morphed into addictions such as smoking, OCD and other self-destructive behaviors.
Also, I too heard that directing your anger at the source such as our parents can help. It was actually a hope that I could direct my anger at my parents so that I could stop hurting myself.
BUT:
(brief story)
When my biological father came back into my life in my 20's I was out of touch with my rage at his abandonment and betrayal of me. It was not until my 30's that I began to really feel that anger. It was then that I wrote him a very angry letter expressing my feelings, not attacking but just getting my pain down on paper. He was open to reading the letter, which he did, it helped bring us closer
but I can't say it was the catalyst for me in healing anger or managing it better. I can honestly say that if the angry letter was never written yet I continued to work on my issues, I would have been able to get to this place of healing/health, embracing my hurt without any desire to express anger but simply just hurt and know that the hurt heals.
After I read this piece on victim anger I started doing more research and reading up on OCD, deep wounds and how to heal them. It was then that my heart was the most rageful and the my OCD behavior was at it's worse.
Most recently I have found profound release as well as an entire psychological shift that has felt like a new perception of reality has come over me and new behaviors (THAT ARE AUTOMATIC) It is really quite liberating and amazing; for so long I was moving through the dark muck of anger and kicking and screaming.
Here was my path or process to free myself from anger and the self-destructive behaviors:
Upon finding this article about victim anger I began to reflect, contemplate and meditate on it. It occurred to me that so much of my behavior was about seeking relief, so I thought, seeking relief from what? The answer: a deep excruciating pain that was at times unbearable and the only strength I found to stay with it came from the power of hope and my faith in God.
Without medications and without reaching outside of myself, peeling back the defenses and finally just allowing myself to ache, hurt -- it was a Grace.
I've been deeply emotionally wounded in my life. If it was a physical wound then I would dress the wound, nurture it and take the time and steps to heal it.
That is what I do with my hurt. I take long baths, I listen soothing music. Must most importantly I just allow myself to be incapacitated and wounded offering it up and refusing to retaliate against myself or anyone -- it is not over yet but I can see amazing progress in myself.
Hope that helps.
Lise
