Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: SweetLady27 on February 25, 2008, 11:44:27 AM
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I'm thinking of leaving my husband. He is constantly putting me down. I am a rotton horrible wife, everything is my fault, he dose nothing wrong. When he tell's me I do something wrong if I say this is why something happend it is a stupid reason, I am just dumb and he is thinking of hitting me. I am not sure though I do love him, and I dint know how to leave him. Everyone is telling me when he goes to work just pack my stuff and go. I want him to go to therapy but he refuses to. I try to talk to him and he blows it off he thinks we are very happy together.
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SweetLady27 - I am sorry you are having such a terrible time. From what llittle you have written it does sound as though he is unable to hear you when you tell him that you are not happy. It is very demeaning to live with someone who constantly puts you down.
You mention that friends have suggested that you pack and leave when he is at work. Are you afraid that he will hurt you?
Glad you are here and hope you find encouragement and supoort for your struggle.
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Welcome, Sweet Lady,
My questions are the same as the others who've responded to you so far... and mostly, I wonder whether you're afraid of physical violence from your husband... and do you have children in the home?
You're in a good place here to receive support and encouragement... it really helps to talk these things through.
Hope you'll share some more as you're able.
Take care,
Carolyn
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Dear Sweet lady,
Sorry, it sounds very hard, Sweetlady. It sounds typical of many marriages. I think that all you can do is try to get strong,inside yourself. Then,later see how you feel about your H. Warmly, Ami
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If he's a reasonable man.... then you can consider staying and working on the marriage.... sometimes hardship causes us to figure out what the problems are, fix them and become stronger better mates.
Of course, he isn't willing to see a therapist.....
take any responsibility himself.....
address you with respect.....
consider your feelings....
be reasonable......
allow you to have esteem......
AND....
he's let you know that he thinks so little of you.....
that you're such a bad deficient person....
that he considers hitting you.
Hmmmmm.......
I don't think this man loves you the way you deserve to be loved.
His definition sounds warped beyond your ability to accept it, as it is.
He won't be changing on his own and if you give an ultimatum that causes him to make promises.....
they may very well be JUST promises... to keep you where you are.
I'm sorry this is something you're dealing with.
Do you have children?
How long have you been married?
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Welcome Sweet,
You will see that many here can give you good advice and help support you as you make your decision. I think it would be helpful if you could contact someone near you, perhaps a church or women's shelter and tell them your story and see what they can offer for help. To me, it sounds as if your marriage is in a very bad spot, and I do not see that your husband wishes to change. Also, as others mentioned here, if he hits you, that is proof you can use to get help from a shelter or a violence agency to get away and get some protection. I also believe it is enough to leave just that he does not seem to care about you or appreciate you. Marriage is about being equal, not haing one person be better than another.
(((((((((((((Sweet)))))))) I hope you will post more and let us know how you are doing.
Love, Beth
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Hi Sweet Lady,
Thanks for your courage in posting here.
Welcome.
This is a place where we want to hear your story.
I won't add more questions since everyone already asked what I'd like to know...
but I'm glad you're here.
Claiming space here is a very good start to changing your life.
Hopalong
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Sorry it took me so long to post.
I dont have children, It seems like we fight over everything, the other night I droped laundry down our laundry shoot, a sock feel on the floor and he yelled at me. He told me that I did not throw it correctly there is a angle to throw laundry down a shoot. Everything I do is wrong he tells me I am stupid, that my oppinion dosent count. He tell's me that his oppinon of me is diffrent then when we were together however he siill loves me. He has told me that I should be thankful that he has not hit me before. His word is that I disrespect him. When I disagree with him, when we were going out I didnt do that, now I should sensor myself and learn that I should not say things basically I should not have a oppinon. He has a teddybear from when he was young, this is his best friend. When we were dateing he showed it to me and said this is my bear. Now that we got married it sits with us, sleeps in the middle of us, even wakes me up in the morning danceing. If I tell him I dont like this I am discrespecting the bear. I am very fustrated. My bigest thing is I had some sugery and they had to shave my head when they did this he told me he didnt find me attractive anymore becuse I lost my hair. After I got upset he told me to cry becuse I couldnt face the truth. The next day he took it back and told me I made it up. we have been married a little over a year!!!!!!
Im at my end, I feel as though im crazy, everyone is supporting me and telling me to divorce him and I can come live with them and start over, why am I scared and feel as though I still love him? sometimes its sooo sweet most of the time its bad :(
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Dear Sweetlady,
Oh My Goodness,
I am appalled at how he treats you--ONLY a year. It is horrible,so awful. I am sorry.
It has 'shades" of my marriage ,in it.
Oh, I made so many mistakes. I made them all b/c I lost my compass ,and nothing made sense from that time on.
I think that you need to have the journey back to who you are.
Of course, staying or leaving is a separate issue.
I stayed and I should have left. Well, I should have not gotten married in the first place. THEN , I should not have had my M(lol)
It all began with losing my core ,in order to survive my M.
I bet that you have a history of family problems, too.
You are in the right place, Sweetlady.
Please keep posting. Love Ami
(((((((((Sweetlady))))))))))))
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Sweet,
If your husband has promised to hit you, he most likely will. I believe his meanness will only get worse toward you. I am glad you don't have children to protect, but you should protect yourself. And what will you do if you get pregnant? Will you let him abuse your children as he is doing to you? Please make a list of the good and bad with your husband. How much of what he does is good? Do you really think he loves you?
I also hope you are recovering well from your operation and that you had someone to help you. What operation did you have? Are you OK?
Love, Beth
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SL.....
when we don't want to know what's really going on.....
we become confused.
You're confused but know this....
you have all the information you need, in front of you.
When you said accuses you of 'disrespecting him" a cold (familiar) shiver went up my spine.
When he should have been supportive and helpful during your surgery..... he instead chose to tear at your foundation and cause you to think about how unnatractive you are to him with your head shaved.
These are the words of a man who is bend on tearing your self esteem down to the ground then burying it.
Do not confuse his later kind words for taking it back or any real apology.
Nice men don't say those things.
Cruel controlling men say them and mean them.... then they confuse you with kind words they don't mean.
It keeps you confused.
It keeps you hanging round.
Pay attention to the cruel words.... not the kind ones.
Get your finances in order.
Begin taking stock of your resources.
Is his name on your bank account?
Do you have a joint account?
Do you work?
Do you have access to funds?
Divorce attorney's aren't cheap and they don't work for free.
If you need to, get a credit card now before you file.
You can prolong your confusion, but it's only a matter of time before things become more clear.
Sometimes we need to be slapped full force with the truth before we can see it.
Sometimes we don't.
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Everything I do is wrong he tells me I am stupid, that my oppinion dosent count.
Dear Sweet Lady,
I was married to an abuser for 4 years before it "got physical." He took his time destroying me emotionally before starting on me physically. Thank God, after the first incident of physical abuse, I escaped and left the state. I think he could have ended up killing me (actually, he nearly did)....
Please learn everything you can about spousal abuse, library, internet, bookstore, however. Do you have access to a local women's shelter or abuse hotline? It is imperative you get help NOW!!! Please! Do not take this too lightly! You are a precious and worthy human being who deserves to be treated with respect, decency and kindness. You must allow yourself to believe that and get some support!
Here is a hug for ya! (((((((((SweetLady)))))))))
Violet
PS I am a retired Social Worker and have worked with abused women, please trust me when I say get some professional help NOW. There are usually lots of community resources that don't cost money, if that is an issue.
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SweetLady,
It isn't love.
Please, please listen to the advice here.
GO find out what the patterns of abuse are.
I'm sure there are excellent links and books and resources right there in your community.
Please please call a domestic violence hotline and ask them what is abusive behavior.
love
Hops
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Sweet Lady,
As I read your posts, I just wanted to reach through the computer and give you a big hug. All the posts are correct in you need to seek some professional help, he doesn't have to go with you, he doesn't even have to know about it. I am currently in counseling because of a Narcisstic fiance that I am in the process of leaving. I totally understand when you say you love him, but don't know why because of how he treats you. I am in the same situation....sometimes it just doesn't make sense to us, especially when your wrapped up in the middle of it. They have a way of beating you down emotionally, which will eventually lead to physical, they keep you so confused with one minute being mean and ugly then being sweet and charming. You want so bad to have this man in your life so you focus on what little positive there is and not on the negatives (which there are more of).
I am a private investigator and I have had many clients in my office coming out of this type of situation. It never ever gets better, most of the time they wished they had gotten out a lot sooner but were afraid or they couldn't afford an attorney etc. Also, what I have seen is these types of men will also eventually cheat on their wives (thats usually when I come into the picture). By the time they are in my office they are so emotionally and physically drained and reaching out to anyone who can help.
In Texas there is legal aid for those who can't afford an Attorney. Where ever you live probably has the same service. Also, if you can't afford counseling, there are many agencies, church's, etc. that will either provide counseling for free or on a sliding fee scale.
Please keep yourself safe, stay close to your support group, post on this board (they have helped me tremendously and still are). Oh, my counselor told me about a book called "Boundaries." I haven't read it yet, but I have ordered it. It may be something you want to check into.
Something to think about.....I was told this once...."Don't let your life control you..you take control of your life." I am currently working on that myself desperately.
You are not alone!
((((((((Hugs, Elaine)))))))
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sorry its takeing me so long to replay. Im still not sure what to do, I want to leave but when im ready to I freeze up. Everyone is routeing for me! I have only been married for a year, why is it that when we were dateing things were wonderful? We just got into a arguement, becuse he said something I laughed and when I did he took offence and I was called every fithy name in the book. I didnt mean anything. He tied it into something we had talked about into the past, I wasnt even thinking of that I cant do anything correct. I cant decide if I love him to much or not. Hes always saying the word hate, it makes me so sad and that he feels diffrently about me then he did when we were dateing, that he dosent respect me anymore. However in the next breath he loves me. Im not purefect I dont live up to his standards I feel so bad, I do love him though.
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Sweet,
I have been married 15 years and there have been times when I have been a stinker. My husband has NEVER said he hates me. We have argued and disagreed, but he has never said he would hit me. He has been a stinker too, but I know he would never be mean. Would you treat your husband the way he treats you? Would that make a person feel loved? Would you feel like a nice person?
Do you think you love him (as he is now) or the person you thought he was? Is this what you want for the rest of your life (and maybe worse) and for your children????
((((((((((((((((sweet))))))))))))
You sound like a very nice person and I am sure many would love to know you and really love you.
Beth
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Dear Sweet,
The only way you could change the dynamics, I think, is to be very,very strong. If there were any hope, he would start treating you with respect. IF that does not happen, I would not expect that he ,ever ,will change.Please don't have kids with him, b/c then it is really, really hard to get out.
Your "weakness" gets magnified 100 fold when you have dependent children ,who need you.
My story has an unhappy ending, from which I speak.
Anyway, you are facing what is happening and that is the first step. Keep writing,so you can have "reality" checks from many people who have "been there". Love to you, Ami
((((((((((Sweet lady))))))))))
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This morning everything is fine like nothing happend, this is always how it is, and dont bring anything up. How do you leave? Do you just pack and go, or talk about it? If I talk im going to end up staying! I cant seem to do this, although I want to and I know I should!!
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You can't talk about it(IMO). It is up to YOU at every stage, from thinking to action. At present, he is your enemy, not your friend, as bad as that sounds.Your leaving will be thwarted, if you tell him. Sorry it is SO hard,and I know it is, friend. Love Ami
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Hes always saying the word hate, it makes me so sad and that he feels diffrently about me then he did when we were dateing, that he dosent respect me anymore. However in the next breath he loves me. Im not purefect I dont live up to his standards I feel so bad, I do love him though.
Remember...... when he's saying cruel things.... he's telling you how he really feels.
When he apologizes..... he's saying what he needs to in order to keep you hoping and wishing he'll go back to the way he was before hte marriage (which was roping you in time.)
He conned you into this relationship and now you're in love with the con..... with the person he pretended to be. He was good enough, long enough that he can now do anything he likes and seemingly get away with it.
Or can he?
If you put self care boundaries in place, you won't allow this treatment any more.
When he chose you he began testing your boundaries. One small violation lead to a larger violation and so forth.
If you look back you can probably see it clearly..... making excuses for his behavior and thinking your good intentions and grace could make everything OK.
Please, give him a boundary.
"If you treat me that way again, I will know you don't want to have a relationship with me."
Then proceed to enforce it like a mama bear protecting her young. Be your own mother/enforcer/protector and stop making excuses, wishing and hoping.
Good luck.... I know how difficult this is.
Usually, we don't go until the pain of staying is worse than the pain of going.
People with healthier boundaries don't have to suffer that long.... and they feel entitled to decent treatment.
Why is it that you don't? (((SL)))
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Just pack and go, Sweet Lady.
If you need help getting yourself to that point, seek out a domestic violence shelter hotline, call and talk to them.
It does not matter whether or not he has hit you.
Just tell them you need strength to get up the will to go, because there is emotional abuse and you don't want to live your life that way.
They'll know where to send you for support and strength.
When they tell you...
GO.
If they don't give you a practical answer, GO ANYWAY.
Keep your strength for YOU, not for him.
(Love will wane once you get some distance and recognize what you were accepting. Believe you deserve better. It's the truth.)
love,
Hops
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We just talked it ended up and he was in my arms and I was rubbing his head. I told him I would go stay at my parents for a bit and he said no he didnt want me to bring them into it. He told me how sorry he was for getting up set, this was after getting even more upset earlyer today for a discussion on a coffie table where he almost took off and left the house again. He told me that he didnt want us to throw away our marriage, I sugessted councelling and he said no we need to work it out together, and we shouldnt throw away a marriage. I was just going to walk out tommrow after he is gone to work, have someone come get me and when he is home find me and everything gone now i dont know if I should.
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Hi SweetLady,
I usually don't enter discussions here involving marriage, divorce, romance, dating, etc. It isn't a rule for me, it's just that I rarely feel I have much to add. BUT - I want to add my voice to all the women here who are telling you to get out of the situation you are in. Your man will keep abusing you and it will escalate.
Be safe.
tt
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Hi Sweet,
Your not crazy he is just crazy making. I have walked in your shoes. I can promise you if you get away from him long enough you will be much happier and can make a decision more clear.
Any reaction to what they do to us Bad or Good is just what they want Reaction. I know mine felt some control over me either way I gave it. Took me a long time to realize that.
They want you to feel threatened anyway they can. If they can't talk you into feeling like a nothing then they will sometimes threaten to beat you into it. And some do. Mine did
Just when they get you down they will surely kick you just to pick you up dust you off give you some attention to knock you back down again. It's all part of their Control Patrol.
When I was going through it I felt like I was in a grey area. I was not in and I was not out.
Do you feel like that?
Trust me on this one. Once you feel like your in they will make sure you feel and put you out. Once you feel like your out and going to leave they will so000 make you feel like your in. Then rinse and repeat.
Thats the crazy making part of it.
Hon, get out.
Living in a grey area is living in hell. You don't need that. You don't want that. You don't deserve that.
We will try to ease the blow of the breakup if that is what you decide to do.
Meanwhile keep yourself safe. No one deserves to be hit or threatened to be.
Love
Deb
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YES, you should go.
Pack and go.
Many, many abusive violent men collapse into little-boy mode and want to be held and stroked. It may be touching but it doesn't change anything. He has refused counseling, doesn't want your parents to know...
This is also part of the ordinary, standard, intractable pattern of the abuser. To isolate.
When you abuse a woman and try to confuse her about her own well-being (loving someone means you NEVER ask them to sacrifice their own well-being) -- you want to keep her isolated. Keep it all a secret. Make it seem like some big intimate passion, that you have these dramatic scenes, threats, violence or near-violence, and then cozy cuddly reunions.
All in secret.
NO!
Pack and go. This is a cycle that will just keep repeating and every time you get confused by sweetness, you sacrifice a little more of your life, let a little more of your self slip away.
Please, go. Today.
with love, and we'll be here Sweet Lady.
Until you're STRONG LADY.
You can do this and deep down, you know you must.
You will get through the transition, but not alone.
You need to join a support group for abused woman right now. It's an emergency.
love to you,
Hops
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sorry I havent wrote in a while so here is what is happend. We had one more explosion. The next day he dropped me off at my parents as he always dose I had my mom take me over and pack, I was going to tell him when he called that I wanted to live sepreatly for a few days and think. When he called I melted and went home. At home I talked to him and told him how I felt, I wasnt happy, I wanted to spend more time with him, that I didnt feel I was nagging him you do not nag becuse your checking up on something.
He told me he understood and he would go to therapy with me and I am going tommrow. That he gets upset so much becuse I nag and nag and that leads to explosion he will work on that and it has just started exploding he normaly yells but the exploding I told him im worried will lead to more, he said no. He told me he is fustrated becuse he has to deal with work then come home to my nagging. I told him I would work on it I am not purfect. He still holds things against me right after we were married he decided he wouldnt wear his wedding ring it hurt his finger to much, he never gave it a chance he would put it on play with it, and when he got home take it off, on day he just threw it and said no more it hurts my finger. I got so upset becuse I love mine I wont take them off I was married in them. I wanted to try new ones together, so I would buy them and bring them home everyone he refused he finally liked one would wear one infront of me, I found out he was wearing it to work, putting it in the glove box and putting it on when he got home. He threw it out the window the other night when we were driveing home becuse he said I hurt him to much baduring him about it.
After our talk he woke the next morning and said I have decided the onlything I am ever at fault for is exploding and you know why I do this? Its becuse you nag me. So I am at fault for everything else. When I approched him with this he told me I change things to make me look good he didnt say that Why would I do this? I feel like im going crazy. Just like I had some sugery and becuse they had to shave my head he told me he had a heard time with me becuse he wasnt attracted to me becuse of my hair. This made me so sad and he told me again he didnt say that. Am I crazy. I dont know I want to stay and make it work. My family is pushing me to leave im not sure if that is makeing me want to stay worse? I dont know I just know that im fustrated
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Dear Sweetlady,
This is my opinion, based on experience,it will never get better,never,never, baring a miracle, a real one(lol). You have a family that loves you. That is s/thing special and a way to get out.
Not only will it not get better,it will get worse, much worse. If you ever have kids with him, you will wish you got out before.You CAN get out now. Don't lose the opportunity(IMO) Love Ami
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I do have a family that loves me, two brothers-in-law and two brothers that want to kill him. I am worried I shouldnt have told my family the dont like him want him around. What if we do make it and are happy? No one will forgive him, or will respect me. My one sister extreamly wont becuse she is divorced and remarried to a sweetheart. She was married to a horrible man that she stayed with for a few years, thankfully she didnt have any children. She keeps telling me that she wished that she would have opened up her mouth and talked to her family and they would have pushed her like she is trying to do to me, insted of keeping it a secret and liveing in misery. Im not sure what to do, and im not sure if I made a mistake by telling I know im driveing myself and my family crazy, I dont want to do that.
Its funny we will get into a big fight like the othernight he will flip out and the next day be fine. I think he is mad at me now for bringing all this up, if not he would have never said anything and we would have been happy until our next fight
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Lady,
Can you tell me 3 reasons what you love about him and how he makes you feel loved. Just 3. Can you tell me 1 reason why you are staying and 1 reason why you are not leaving.
These are the questions I had to ask myself.
Even if the 1 reason is I'm not leaving because I'm scared. That's a reason isn't it. Then I had to work on what I was afraid of.
Mine was. Afraid of being a failure which brought shame along with all the other reasons that kept me froze in my relationship.
Now that statement went both ways. If I left I was a failure at my marriage and I felt ashamed that it didn't work and if I stayed I felt like a failure because of staying when I was so miserable and knew it was wrong and compromised my dignity as a person/woman/human which caused me more shame for betraying myself.
You have to ask yourself the real deep questions (which I so hated to do)
It's ok Sweet. I had the same emotions, thoughts and family like it sounds you have. It will be alright.
I see really good things happening to you. You just don't' realize it yet and the #1 I see is you are not keeping secrets. You are on your way. You keep talking. When you start saying to yourself and your loved ones things are very wrong is when you are starting little by little to free yourself. It just takes time and is a slow process.
But please keep yourself safe and if you feel threatened in any manner then you need to speed up the process to immediately and LEAVE.
Love
Deb
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We had a conversation lastnight and it went to would you have married me if you wouldnt have recived a big ring? He feels im selfish, also he wouldnt have married me so soon if I didnt have problems with my epliepsy and was able to drive and didnt live with family. He wanted to live together so marrying me was the answer if I lived on my own we would probbly be engaged now. We got married after a year of dateing decided to take it slow so we waited a year then got engaged. We thought we were purfect for each other wanted the same things. He just said these things to be hurtful.
I think im staying becuse of money issues we just got a new house and are fixing it up, I dont want to be alone, and I feel bad for leaving him alone. I keep saying oh I will leave the next time we get in a fight and wont. My sister came over the other night and was going to stop me from going home I went anyway. I might feel as though my family is pressureing me to leave and thats why im not sure but Im going crazy. He still feels we are happy no matter how much we talk and say that we are not we just get over it in his eyes. I dont know how to make him understand im not. Then after we talk he always tells me that I say his words wrong just to make him look bad why would I do that. Im fustrateing myself and everyone I want a good life for both of us. I dont know how to do this
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Sweet lady,
IF I had anyone to help me ,I never would have stayed. You are so blessed to have family.Please don't make my mistakes , staying with an abusive man for over 20 years. Did it get ANY better? No, it got worse.
I think it usually gets worse, Sweetlady. Ami
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thats what my family is afraid of, that say leave now while I am still young and have only been married a year, its only been a year so why wait until it will get worse and he ends up hitting you. I still have time to get married again and havent had a baby so have a baby with someone wonderful. I think im embarrased to say that I have only been married a year I have to get over this! Im driveing myself crazy he is blameing me for everything
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Ultimately, Sweet, you have to make the decision. No one is going to make it for you. If you decide to stay in this relationship, possibly to be physically abused, possibly to have a child with this man who may abuse the child, then that is the decision you have made. No one will force you. People gave you their opinions.
Good luck to you.
Beth
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I know it and im not sure what im waiting for, I get so excited to do it then I look into his eyes and freeze. I think im inlove so much the I realize the trueth when im away. Im not sure if its becuse we share the same friends, becuse we just bought a house or if I just think im in love and what would I do if i saw him with someone else. I have to get over this, im driveing myself and my family crazy the are here for me and I am not helping. thank you everyone soooooooooooooooo much!
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Sweetlady - You are in a very difficult situation but you have excellent insight into the problem you face. We all want of family of origin and th family we choose to be loving, supportive, life-giving. And when they are not it is extremely difficult to take the steps that are necessary to protect ourselves. You will be able to make the right decisions though it may take longer than you wish. You know what you need to do, it is just not very easy to actually follow through. don't beat yourself up for that. Be patient and kind to yourself - you deserve that - you deserve someone to be kind and patient with you and that person can start with yourself.
I'm glad you are here and hope you find the support and encouragement you are looking for.
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Sweet,
Are you young? I know you said you have only been married a year. I know I felt as you do with my first boyfriend, and stayed with him for 6 years, and almost married him. I am thankful every day that I decided not to continue with the relationship. He was controlling and patronizing. In meeting my husband, I realized what a nice man is like.
Take care and I hope you are able to make a decision soon.
Love, Beth
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Im 27 I know what I need to do, im not sure if I cant becuse my family is pushing me if I somehow still have love or if im afraide to be alone. Im sad for him if I leave he never even had a girlfriend before me. Dates but forsome reason didnt have a girlfriend. We bought a house selling our old one I cant leave him with this can I everyone says yes I feel bad guit stricken. We talk but thinks we are fine
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Dear Sweetlady,
My advice would be to save yourself. At some point,I think you will see the wisdom in this, if you can't now. I know that I diid not listen to well meaning advice and I paid the price.
I think that it often happens that way, unfortunately. Love to you, Ami
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Sweetlady,
I've often wondered if I had the courage in life to do what I needed to do, how different today would be. Don't wait until it's too late and you look back on what your life COULD have been. I know it's easier said than done, as I said if only I had the courage. Have you considered counseling for just yourself and your sanity? Again this may not be something he will allow, so you need to decide what you can handle. Best of luck
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I am going to counceling and I was supposed to bring him and she told me no he wont change this is just for you I dont want to see him. These last few nights the wedding ring went out the car window becuse after we got married he decided that the ring hurt to much and I started to cry and I brought him a few more home. He kept trying them on and no they wont fit. He finally wore one and ended up puting them in the car when he went to work and wearing them infront of me. He decided that was one of the routs of our problems he threw it out the window.
two nights ago he told me that he didnt think I would have married him if he didnt buy me such a big ring. I am way to spoiled. Last night he told me he married me so quickly witch we didnt get married for a year after we met becuse I had to live at home with my parents becuse of my epilepsy and the fact that I couldnt drive. I didnt want to move in with him so this is why he married me. If we would have lived together he wouldnt have married me so fast. After saying this he is all lovey thismorning and wanted to play. Im ready to leave what would you do if you had a conversation like this would you walk?
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Only you can make that decision, but it sounds like he's playing mental games with you. Get strong and don't think you're crazy....that's what he would like I think.
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I think its true, on the weekends he will stay in bed and when we have things to do or I want him to get up I will say hey lets go to the grocery store. He would like to say sweetheart please get up so we can go to the grocery store. If I dont say it like that I am not sympathetic becuse I am not walking in his shoes he works all day and he is tired, I am on disabilty becuse of my sugery.when I did work I still wanted to do things and didnt want to sleep all day. It is my fault for everything I cant stand this. The person who makes the most money should control the money. He likes to buy all the cheep brands I like smart start healty heart cerial he likes to price out all the cerial and breakfast bars in the store and buy that time I dont want any. Im sick of fighting and then the next day its ok, if it were little bickers then fine but he is mean and no need for him to appologize it never happend. But when I say something wrong or forget to shut off a light I have to say im sorry . I giving myself a ulser my family is driveing me nuts my sisters call three times a day and say are you leaveing. I didnt go to my dads b day party here I sit my husband in bed on the net. I am as well but its becuse I have nothing else to do, I have already cleaned and tried to say get up. I couldnt go to my dads party bring him around my sisters no way they would rip him apart I think I opend my mouth to wide if I stay with him my parents wont except him, I want to run why are my feet planted? Im sorry about this im just so confused right now.
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Sweet,
I know, I know, it's very difficult right now. Calm down don't be so hard on yourself. Keep talking and reading and therapy. A decision will come to you and IMO it does not sound to me like you want to stay with him if this is going to be a life time of this.
You sound strong just confused right now. It's ok your trying to work it out. Sometimes when we start to work on things they get even more intense on their crazy making tactics because they see us getting stronger and one foot out the door.
Don't let this freeze you. Don't shut down. Keep with therapy and be true to your feelings.
A decision will come to you.
I agree with Ami it will probably only get worse as time goes on.
Be safe
Love
Deb
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Its gotten worse,
My family is just plane made at me becuse i dont want to leave him and they say all I do is talk and no action so dont talk anymore and its try and if I dont its ok. I am trying to hide and make it sound like he is changeing and things are wonderful
everynight I am reminded that I am the bad person and that I play the roll of the hurt person very well. I am soo bad to him and take everything he dose for me for granted. If he says something to me I cant say anything in return, we were talking about how he wants to redue our kitchen and I said im the one who cooks and I dont like that Idea and I was going against him. Anything I do or say that isnt his way is wrong, I have to do what he feels is correct or I am wrong, he says this is untrue I am spoiled and I want my way. I want to spend all of our money and I behave badly, I havent spent a nickle I should be ashamed of myself. I have always been so bad to him I have to walk on egg shells for everything. I dont know why I cant leave He said something the othernight that made me freeze once in a while he just wont give me a kiss I was going someplace the other night and I leaned in to give him a kiss and he said no I said most people would give their wifes a kiss no matter what he said most husbands love there wifes. I got upselt and he said Im kidding. He also said before that something mean alot thoughs terms. He has said the word hate as well a few times things like this really bother me
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SweetLady,
I used to wait and wait and wait for HIM to do something that would make me righteously able to leave him as well. But, you know what? You don't need any other reason than that if FEELS wrong to you.
"This is not working for me. Therefore I am leaving."
I know it's torturous and you feel tentacles around you, keeping you there (they are guilt, shame, obligation, fear, and worry.) However, as soon as you take the first step, you will find that the "universe" is not against you. Things will begin to happen because you have started the process. Your path will open in front of you.
One piece of advice: Get a good attorney who will make sure you are not taken advantage of. Do not try and negotiate with this person for yourself. You will be treated cruelly.
It sounds like your family is ready and waiting to help. Let them.
(((((SweetLady27)))))
Dandylife
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Hello Sweet Lady-
You are not alone here on this Board, and you have done nothing to deserve what you are suffering - I once made a similar post, though it was years later in my marriage and after the abuse progressed much further. The people here helped me to save myself and though I am not through with the process, I am so much happier and freer than I was when I first posted, and know that you can be as well. You deserve a fulfilling and happy life, and we will support what you choose as your highest good.
Do you have a Domestic Violence support group or agency in your area? My friends here suggested that I seek out a 3-D group for myself, and it has been of immeasurable help to me. When someone threatens you Sweet, that is not only a precursor to violence, but an act of violence. A DV counselor can help you sort things out with knowledge and experience, that perhaps family and friends may not have at the moment, and you will have a safe place to speak your truth without judgment.
You have your whole wonderful life ahead and much to look forward to. Please do what you know is right for yourself, and do not lose heart!
Love,
Changing
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Dear Sweet Lady,
I hope you know that nobody else defines you... not your familly members, not your husband, not anyone.
The others here have given you good advice about getting help... a women's shelter got me away from a dangerous man.
That's what you have, Sweet - a dangerous man.
This isn't a choice between your family and your husband... it's a chance to choose life for yourself.
Please get help.
Love,
Carolyn
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SW:
Your husband's behavior isn't going to get better.... it's going to get worse.
AND.... he has a heads up that you're unhappy and may be trying to leave him soon.
The more time you give him to prepare.... the harder it will be to leave.
He's going to make it very difficult...... but,
if you decide that leaving is better for you and your children.....
you must make a plan and set your cap.
Sail your course and ask for help...... don't keep hiding things from your family.... your h benefits from secrecy, not you.
Stop trying to protect everyone around you already.
Act now to minimize damage to everyone.
Call the police if your husband threatens or harms you.
Ask friends and family for help, physical as well as emotional.
Do you have access to bank accounts?
Do you need to save some money and make a plan to flee?
Start thinking about the logistics of staying safe and removing yourself from this relationship.
It may bring you more clarity than you have right now, in any case.... to begin thinking past the current confusion he's causing.
Lighter
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Dear Sweet Lady,
I'm so sorry that you have to go through all of this. Not fun at all. You are being emotionally and mentally abused (and threatened physical abuse).
What do you think is holding you back/keeping you there?
I'm trying to imagine and what I think most might be for me, in such a situation, is fear.
Someone once said (sorry I can't remember who):
We all have courage. We just have to use it.
That doesn't make it easy though eh?
(((((((((hug to you SW)))))))))
Please be brave for you!
Sela
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Hi Sweet Lady-
Please write this number down call now if you wish and put the number somewhere safe, in case you need it later- 1 (800) 799-7233. This is the number for the National Domestic Violence Hotline. You can call anytime and get help, as well as information regarding resources in your area (usually free resources).
Keep strong and be well,
Changing
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Dear SweetLady,
I failed my course in, Affairs of the Heart. Otherwise, I might be full of advice.
Others here are much wiser than me on the subject. I do send you my best.
I agree with Changing that memorizing that National Domestic Violence Hotline number is a very good idea. Or if needed, tuck it away in your wallet. Excellent advice.
tt
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I have to make up my mind! Thank you so much ladys for speaking with me, everyone is telling me the same thing you my family I know this is true and I dont know why I cant do it He's lazy he lays in bed all weekend. He feels that he works all week he needs the weekend to sleep. I have to push him to get up and go to go out side he just dosent like it. I am a teacher he knows when I can I want a child. We talked about this and I said will you be able to go out side with the child and teach him to ride a bike, play in the sand with the child. At first he joked and said its all up to you. then he said no I will. You know you cant change me much though, i have always been this way. He has changed though when we were dateing we went places. We talked about babys before we were married and we both wanted one and would share responshiblitys. Now im not sure if he wants one or if I should have one with him
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Please...
do not have children with a man who's abusive to you.
Please.
Lighter
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I am a bad wife, my husband came down with c-diff from takeing antibiotics, he is supposed to eat yogert, the one he was going to eat was expired I said no dont eat it he said it didnt matter I grabed it from his hand, he pushed me and threw his antibioxices brakeing them all.
he was mad at me becuse of this, and becuse I thought I may of gotten c-diff as well becuse I was on antiboitics at the same time he was he told me he was going to drop me off at the emergency room and I said no could you please go with me I wouldnt like to be there alone.
I also went out with my mom to eat he asked me to bring him home something, he has a stomach bug we went to applebees he couldnt eat anything from there I know I was rotten I didnt bring him anything home.
I dont make as much money as him so i am not able to make decisons about the house, if I spend money I am spending his, I am a teacher I try to make money unfortunatly I dont make as much as him. I am a very bad wife and he tells me so I am mean to him and he is mean to me becuse I bring it all on myself and to everyone I make him seem mean but if they knew how bad I was they would realize why he gets upset. I should clean more I understand I dont do the best at it, I do cook for him and I have not given him a hard time about not wanting to get out of bed, we come home at night from work he gets in bed I make dinner he eats in bed I take his plate and do the dishes. On the weekends he sleeps in bed. I wanted to plant flowers but we do not have the money, we are getting centeral air so I shouldnt complain and i dont. He dosent like to go outside he mowes the lawn every two weeks I do the rest of the outside work. I try to be a good wife he tells me I have alot of faults and I guess I do. I would like a cat something I could hold and love and snuggle with, he told me I have so many things that I cant commit to why should he belive that I would take care be alowd to get one. I dont know anymore he told me I cry in my sleep. Im so sad, I dont talk to my family about him the all want me to leave him and dont want to hear about it becuse i wont. I want to go to therapy to see judith but he dosent want me to, insurense dosent cover it all its ten dollars a session and I dont make alot of money so I cant go. I miss her she makes me feel alive. I feel like Im stuck in a rut.
Im so sorry to complain, My hair is growing in from my sugery im so happy its starting to cover my ears I wanted to put some color in it, he told me no, not until it grows longer im not aloud. my mom got mad and said she would pay for it and he said if I cant pay for it on my own im not aloud. I dont know what to do with myself anymore. Im tired and its all my fault, he likes it better when im not home when I go off with my mom and i come home he seems unhappy, he dosent like me to go he wants to spend all his time with me but when i go and I get back life is not happy. I mess his world up I dont know I just dont know anymore. If I just say ok I will do what you say its ok, he has a Idea to remodle out kitchen it isnt an good one I said how about we do this, he got mad, he is going to redo our bathroom, I said I like it this way I shouldnt have. he gets to plan the house and I shouldnt say a word he resurches everything and my ways are dumb
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I think you might be confused.... bc you might not want to face the truth about your marriage.
If he's constantly:
criticizing you....
putting you down.....
telling you your ideas are stupid......
making all the decisions bc he only values his opinion....
expecting you to be his servant bc your full time job doesn't earn equal pay......
then you may not have the marriage you signed up for.
What do you think?
Lighter
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I dont, and I have hit the point my family is finaly done talking to me, I now pretend that life is purfect and I pretend to be ok with his bear and it talks to me and dances. He stays in bed and it is ok, it is now 3:13,and he is supposed to mow the lawn I we are supposed to go out for my birthday dinner and he said he was going to take me out danceing. He has stayed in bed all day and he said do we really have to go to dinner early, if I say anything I will loose my chance to go out. Last night we were supposed to join his family at dinner and he wanted to go home and lay down and shower for a bit, I said shouldnt we go first your family is waiting, I was a @@@@@@@@@@@@ Bitch and I shouldnt stick my nose in abd why I dont know he was leaving me home and I couldnt go. I am so sad He told me most men would be mad that becuse I was being controling. was I?
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Dear Sweet Lady
I have bitterness when I hear you talk b/c I tried to get away from my H ,with two small babies, and my M turned her back on me and I stayed. My youngest son committed suicide recently.
You have family who loves you. Leave when you can. Ami
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I think you realize you weren't being controlling.
I'm sorry you're pretending everything's perfect.....
Isolating and pretending probably aren't going to bring any positive changes in your life.
Have you considered finding a counselor you can be honest with..... who won't judge, pressure or turn their back on you?
You have choices.
By the way..... if he takes you out to dinner and dancing..... how much fun do you think that'll be?
Lighter
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hi SL
I see your first post says you are thinking of leaving him. That is February and now in August you want to go dancing.
Something is amiss and I believe it is your resolve.
Nothing sounds happy for you and I am thinking you must resolve to do something about it and do it now or you will be writing us the same message next February and have wasted a year of your life!
Do you have a minister, a close friend who can help you get the ball rolling, then you hop onto that ball and roll right out of there!
Please do tell us , exactly, WHAT is holding you there???????
(I am sorry that I posted this without reading but your first and last post! That was all that was necessary to tell me that you have gone no where. Now Chop! Chop! Let's get this show on the road!!)
OKAY?
Good Luck
Izzy
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I see it like this, Izz.....
SL discovers and sets some boundaries. (very hard to do when we're ambivalent about what healthy boundaries are)
Then she sets some consequences..... in her own head.
Speaking them out loud to her husband will only give him the time and pleasure of fouling her efforts, with outsiders and the court.
Plans might include taking her name off bank accounts and finding a new place to live.
They might include interviewing the 3 best family law attorneys in town.... more if she can afford it.
They might include figuring out the status on all credit cards and perhaps canceling them if they have her name on them?
How about getting all relevent papers together and hidden somewhere outside the home?
Taking one or two trusted family members into her confidence and asking for advice?
Packing a suitcase and leaving it with a trusted friend, just in case?
Her husband's made a marriage out of crossing her boundaries...... and making her feel guilty for voicing her feelings about it.
She has to overcome her guilt while putting new healthier thought processes' in place during a time of crisis if she tries to leave.
It's overwhelming, at best.
If she could find a group in her area, with women in similar situations, I think it would really help.
Where are you SL?
Lighter