Sweet Lady,
As I read your posts, I just wanted to reach through the computer and give you a big hug. All the posts are correct in you need to seek some professional help, he doesn't have to go with you, he doesn't even have to know about it. I am currently in counseling because of a Narcisstic fiance that I am in the process of leaving. I totally understand when you say you love him, but don't know why because of how he treats you. I am in the same situation....sometimes it just doesn't make sense to us, especially when your wrapped up in the middle of it. They have a way of beating you down emotionally, which will eventually lead to physical, they keep you so confused with one minute being mean and ugly then being sweet and charming. You want so bad to have this man in your life so you focus on what little positive there is and not on the negatives (which there are more of).
I am a private investigator and I have had many clients in my office coming out of this type of situation. It never ever gets better, most of the time they wished they had gotten out a lot sooner but were afraid or they couldn't afford an attorney etc. Also, what I have seen is these types of men will also eventually cheat on their wives (thats usually when I come into the picture). By the time they are in my office they are so emotionally and physically drained and reaching out to anyone who can help.
In Texas there is legal aid for those who can't afford an Attorney. Where ever you live probably has the same service. Also, if you can't afford counseling, there are many agencies, church's, etc. that will either provide counseling for free or on a sliding fee scale.
Please keep yourself safe, stay close to your support group, post on this board (they have helped me tremendously and still are). Oh, my counselor told me about a book called "Boundaries." I haven't read it yet, but I have ordered it. It may be something you want to check into.
Something to think about.....I was told this once...."Don't let your life control you..you take control of your life." I am currently working on that myself desperately.
You are not alone!
((((((((Hugs, Elaine)))))))