Im new, haveing trouble.

[Ami]

Sweet lady,
 IF I had anyone to help me ,I never would have stayed. You are so blessed to have family.Please don't make my mistakes , staying with an abusive man for over 20 years. Did it get ANY better? No, it got worse.
  I think it usually  gets worse, Sweetlady.                   Ami

[SweetLady27]

thats what my family is afraid of, that say leave now while I am still young and have only been married a year, its only been a year so why wait until it will get worse and he ends up hitting you. I still have time to  get married again and havent had a baby so have a baby with someone wonderful. I think im embarrased to say that I have only been married a year I have to get over this! Im driveing myself crazy he is blameing me for everything

[gratitude28]

Ultimately, Sweet, you have to make the decision. No one is going to make it for you. If you decide to stay in this relationship, possibly to be physically abused, possibly to have a child with this man who may abuse the child, then that is the decision you have made. No one will force you. People gave you their opinions.
Good luck to you.
Beth

[SweetLady27]

I know it and  im not sure what im waiting for, I get so excited to do it then I look into his eyes and freeze. I think im inlove so much the I realize the trueth  when im away. Im not sure if its becuse we share the same friends, becuse we just bought a house or if I just think im in love and what would I do if i saw him with someone else. I have to get over this, im driveing myself and my family crazy the are here for me and I am not helping. thank you everyone soooooooooooooooo much!

[Gaining Strength]

Sweetlady - You are in a very difficult situation but you have excellent insight into the problem you face.  We all want of family of origin and th family we choose to be loving, supportive, life-giving.  And when they are not it is extremely difficult to take the steps that are necessary to protect ourselves.  You will be able to make the right decisions though it may take longer than you wish.  You know what you need to do, it is just not very easy to actually follow through.  don't beat yourself up for that.  Be patient and kind to yourself - you deserve that - you deserve someone to be kind and patient with you and that person can start with yourself.

I'm glad you are here and hope you find the support and encouragement you are looking for.

[gratitude28]

Sweet,
Are you young? I know you said you have only been married a year. I know I felt as you do with my first boyfriend, and stayed with him for 6 years, and almost married him. I am thankful every day that I decided not to continue with the relationship. He was controlling and patronizing. In meeting my husband, I realized what a nice man is like.
Take care and I hope you are able to make a decision soon.
Love, Beth

[SweetLady27]

Im 27 I know what I need to do, im not sure if I cant becuse my family is pushing me if I somehow still have love  or if im afraide to be alone. Im sad for him if I leave he never even had a girlfriend before me. Dates but forsome reason didnt have a girlfriend. We bought a house selling our old one  I cant leave him with this can I  everyone says yes I feel bad guit stricken. We talk but thinks we are fine

[Ami]

Dear Sweetlady,
 My advice would be to save yourself. At some point,I think you will see the wisdom in this, if you can't now. I know that I diid not listen to well meaning advice and I paid the price.
 I think that it often happens that way, unfortunately.      Love to you,   Ami

[alone48]

Sweetlady,

I've often wondered if I had the courage in life to do what I needed to do, how different today would be. Don't wait until it's too late and you look back on what your life COULD have been. I know it's easier said than done, as I said if only I had the courage. Have you considered counseling for just yourself and your sanity? Again this may not be something he will allow, so you need to decide what you can handle. Best of luck

[SweetLady27]

I am going to counceling and I was supposed to bring him and she told me no he wont change this is just for you I dont want to see him. These last few nights the wedding ring went out the  car window becuse after we got married he decided that the ring hurt to much and I started to cry and  I brought him a few more home. He kept trying them on and no they wont fit. He finally wore one and ended up puting them in the car when he went to work and wearing them infront of me. He decided that was one of the routs of our problems  he threw it out the window.
                 two nights ago  he told me that he didnt think I would have married him if he didnt buy me such a big ring. I am way to spoiled. Last night he told me he married me so quickly witch we didnt get married for a year after we met becuse I had to live at home with my parents becuse of my epilepsy  and the fact that I couldnt drive. I didnt want to move in with him so this is why he married me. If we would have lived together he wouldnt have married me so fast. After saying this he is all lovey thismorning and wanted to play. Im ready to leave   what would you do if you had a conversation like this  would you walk?

[alone48]

Only you can make that decision, but it sounds like he's playing mental games with you. Get strong and don't think you're crazy....that's what he would like I think.

[SweetLady27]

I think its true, on the weekends he will stay in bed and when we have things to do or I want him to get up I will say hey lets go to the grocery store. He would like to say sweetheart please get up so we can go to the grocery store. If I dont say it like that I am not sympathetic becuse I am not walking in his shoes he works all day and he is tired, I am on disabilty becuse of my sugery.when I did work I still wanted to do things and didnt want to sleep all day. It is my fault for everything I cant stand this. The person who makes the most money should control the money. He likes to buy all the cheep brands I like smart start healty heart cerial  he likes to price out all the cerial and breakfast bars in the store and buy that time I dont want any.  Im sick of fighting  and then the next day its ok, if it were little bickers then fine but he is mean and no need for him to appologize it never happend.  But when I say something wrong or forget to shut off a light I have to say im sorry . I giving myself a ulser my family is driveing me nuts  my sisters call three times a day and say are you leaveing. I didnt go to my dads b day party here I sit my husband in bed on the net. I am as well but its becuse I have nothing else to do, I have already cleaned and tried to say get up. I couldnt go to my dads party bring him around my sisters no way they would rip him apart I think I opend my mouth to wide if I stay with him my parents wont except him, I want to run why are my feet planted? Im sorry about this im just so confused right now.

[debkor]

Sweet,

I know, I know, it's very difficult right now.  Calm down don't be so hard on yourself.  Keep talking and reading and therapy. A decision will come to you and IMO it does not sound to me like you want to stay with him if this is going to be a life time of this.

You sound strong just confused right now.  It's ok your trying to work it out.  Sometimes when we start to work on things they get even more intense on their crazy making tactics because they see us getting stronger and one foot out the door.
Don't let this freeze you.  Don't shut down.  Keep with therapy and be true to your feelings.

A decision will come to you. 

I agree with Ami it will probably only get worse as time goes on. 

Be safe 

Love
Deb

[SweetLady27]

Its gotten worse,
                        My family is just plane made at me becuse i dont want to leave him and they say all I do is talk and no action so dont talk anymore and its try and if I dont its ok. I am trying to hide and make it sound like he is changeing and things are wonderful
                          everynight I am reminded that I am the bad person and that I play the  roll of the hurt person very well. I am soo bad to him and take everything he dose for me for granted. If he says something to me I cant say anything in return, we were talking about how he wants to redue our kitchen and I said im the one who cooks and I dont like that Idea and I was going against him. Anything I do or say that isnt his way is wrong, I have to do what he feels is correct or I am wrong, he says this is untrue I am spoiled and I want my way. I want to spend all of our money and I behave badly, I havent spent a nickle I should be ashamed of myself. I have always been so bad to him I have to walk on egg shells for everything. I dont know why I cant leave  He said something the othernight that made me freeze once in a while he just wont give me a kiss I was going someplace the other night and I leaned in to give him a kiss and  he said no I said most people would give their wifes a kiss no matter what  he said most husbands love there wifes. I got upselt and he said Im kidding.  He also said  before that something mean alot thoughs terms.  He has said  the word hate as well a few times things like this really bother me

[dandylife]

SweetLady,

I used to wait and wait and wait for HIM to do something that would make me righteously able to leave him as well. But, you know what? You don't need any other reason than that if FEELS wrong to you.

"This is not working for me. Therefore I am leaving."

I know it's torturous and you feel tentacles around you, keeping you there (they are guilt, shame, obligation, fear, and worry.) However, as soon as you take the first step, you will find that the "universe" is not against you. Things will begin to happen because you have started the process. Your path will open in front of you.

One piece of advice: Get a good attorney who will make sure you are not taken advantage of. Do not try and negotiate with this person for yourself. You will be treated cruelly.

It sounds like your family is ready and waiting to help. Let them.

(((((SweetLady27)))))

Dandylife