Im new, haveing trouble.

[SweetLady27]

I'm thinking of leaving my   husband. He is constantly putting me down. I am a rotton horrible wife, everything is my fault, he dose nothing wrong. When he tell's me I do something wrong if I say this is why something happend  it is a stupid reason, I am just dumb and he is thinking of hitting me. I am not sure though  I do love him,  and I dint know how to leave him. Everyone is telling me when he goes to work just pack my stuff and go.  I want him to go to therapy but he refuses to.  I try to talk to him and he blows it off  he thinks we are very happy together.

[Gaining Strength]

SweetLady27 - I am sorry you are having such a terrible time.  From what llittle you have written it does sound as though he is unable to hear you when you tell him that you are not happy.  It is very demeaning to live with someone who constantly puts you down. 
You mention that friends have suggested that you pack and leave when he is at work.  Are you afraid that he will hurt you?

Glad you are here and hope you find encouragement and supoort for your struggle.

[Certain Hope]

Welcome, Sweet Lady,

My questions are the same as the others who've responded to you so far... and mostly, I wonder whether you're afraid of physical violence from your husband... and do you have children in the home?

You're in a good place here to receive support and encouragement... it really helps to talk these things through.

Hope you'll share some more as you're able.

Take care,
Carolyn

[Ami]

Dear Sweet lady,
   Sorry, it sounds very hard, Sweetlady. It sounds typical of many marriages. I think that all you can do is try to get strong,inside yourself. Then,later see how you feel about your H.                                  Warmly,   Ami

[lighter]

If he's a reasonable man.... then you can consider staying and working on the marriage.... sometimes hardship causes us to figure out what the problems are, fix them and become stronger better mates.

Of course, he isn't willing to see a therapist.....

take any responsibility himself.....

address you with respect.....

consider your feelings....

be reasonable......

allow you to have esteem......

AND....

he's let you know that he thinks so little of you.....

that you're such a bad deficient person....

that he considers hitting you.

Hmmmmm.......

I don't think this man loves you the way you deserve to be loved.

His definition sounds warped beyond your ability to accept it, as it is.

He won't be changing on his own and if you give an ultimatum that causes him to make promises.....

they may very well be JUST promises... to keep you where you are.

I'm sorry this is something you're dealing with.  

Do you have children?

How long have you been married?

[gratitude28]

Welcome Sweet,
You will see that many here can give you good advice and help support you as you make your decision. I think it would be helpful if you could contact someone near you, perhaps a church or women's shelter and tell them your story and see what they can offer for help. To me, it sounds as if your marriage is in a very bad spot, and I do not see that your husband wishes to change. Also, as others mentioned here, if he hits you, that is proof you can use to get help from a shelter or a violence agency to get away and get some protection. I also believe it is enough to leave just that he does not seem to care about you or appreciate you. Marriage is about being equal, not haing one person be better than another.
(((((((((((((Sweet)))))))) I hope you will post more and let us know how you are doing.
Love, Beth

[Hopalong]

Hi Sweet Lady,
Thanks for your courage in posting here.
Welcome.

This is a place where we want to hear your story.

I won't add more questions since everyone already asked what I'd like to know...
but I'm glad you're here.

Claiming space here is a very good start to changing your life.

Hopalong

[SweetLady27]

Sorry it took me so long to post.

I dont have children, It seems like we fight over everything, the other night I droped laundry down our laundry shoot, a sock feel on the floor and he yelled at me. He told me that  I did not  throw it correctly there is a angle to throw laundry down a shoot. Everything I do is wrong he tells me I am stupid, that my oppinion dosent count. He tell's me that his oppinon of me is diffrent then when we were together however he siill loves me. He has told me that I should be thankful that he has not hit me before.  His word is that I disrespect him.  When I disagree with him, when we were going out I didnt do that, now I should sensor myself and learn that I should not say things  basically I should not have a oppinon.  He has a teddybear from when he was young, this is his best friend. When we were dateing he showed it to me and said this is my bear.  Now that we got married it sits with us, sleeps in the middle of us, even wakes me up in the morning danceing. If I tell him I dont like this I am discrespecting the bear. I am very fustrated. My bigest thing is  I had some sugery and they had to shave my head when they did this  he told me he didnt find me attractive anymore becuse I lost my hair. After  I got upset he told me to cry becuse I couldnt face the truth. The next day he took it back and told me I made it up. we have been married a little over a year!!!!!! 
             Im at my end, I feel as though im crazy, everyone is supporting me and telling me to divorce him  and I can come live with them and start over, why am I scared and feel as though I still love him? sometimes its sooo sweet most of the time its bad 

[Ami]

Dear Sweetlady,
Oh My Goodness,
  I am appalled at how he treats you--ONLY a year. It is horrible,so awful. I am  sorry.
 It has 'shades" of my marriage ,in it.
 Oh, I made so many mistakes. I made them all b/c I lost my compass ,and nothing made sense from that time on.
 I think that you need to have the journey back to who you are.
 Of course, staying or leaving is a separate issue.
 I stayed and I should have left. Well, I should have not gotten married in the first place. THEN , I should not have had my M(lol)
 It all began with losing my core ,in order to survive my M.
 I bet that you have a history of family problems, too.
  You are in the right place, Sweetlady.
 Please keep posting.     Love    Ami

(((((((((Sweetlady))))))))))))

[gratitude28]

Sweet,
If your husband has promised to hit you, he most likely will. I believe his meanness will only get worse toward you. I am glad you don't have children to protect, but you should protect yourself. And what will you do if you get pregnant? Will you let him abuse your children as he is doing to you? Please make a list of the good and bad with your husband. How much of what he does is good? Do you really think he loves you?
I also hope you are recovering well from your operation and that you had someone to help you. What operation did you have? Are you OK?
Love, Beth

[lighter]

SL.....

when we don't want to know what's really going on.....

we become confused.

You're confused but know this....

you have all the information you need, in front of you.

When you said accuses you of 'disrespecting him" a cold (familiar) shiver went up my spine.

When he should have been supportive and helpful during your surgery..... he instead chose to tear at your foundation and cause you to think about how unnatractive you are to him with your head shaved.

These are the words of a man who is bend on tearing your self esteem down to the ground then burying it.

Do not confuse his later kind words for taking it back or any real apology. 

Nice men don't say those things.

Cruel controlling men say them and mean them.... then they confuse you with kind words they don't mean.

It keeps you confused. 

It keeps you hanging round.

Pay attention to the cruel words.... not the kind ones.

Get your finances in order.

Begin taking stock of your resources.

Is his name on your bank account?

Do you have a joint account?

Do you work?

Do you have access to funds?

Divorce attorney's aren't cheap and they don't work for free.

If you need to, get a credit card now before you file.

You can prolong your confusion, but it's only a matter of time before things become more clear.

Sometimes we need to be slapped full force with the truth before we can see it.

Sometimes we don't.

[Violet]

Everything I do is wrong he tells me I am stupid, that my oppinion dosent count.

Dear Sweet Lady,

I was married to an abuser for 4 years before it "got physical."  He took his time destroying me emotionally before starting on me physically.  Thank God, after the first incident of physical abuse, I escaped and left the state.  I think he could have ended up killing me (actually, he nearly did)....

Please learn everything you can about spousal abuse, library, internet, bookstore, however.   Do you have access to a local women's shelter or abuse hotline?  It is imperative you get help NOW!!!   Please!  Do not take this too lightly!  You are a precious and worthy human being who deserves to be treated with respect, decency and kindness.  You must allow yourself to believe that and get some support! 

Here is a hug for ya!   (((((((((SweetLady)))))))))

Violet

PS I am a retired Social Worker and have worked with abused women, please trust me when I say get some professional help NOW.  There are usually lots of community resources that don't cost money, if that is an issue. 

[Hopalong]

SweetLady,

It isn't love.

Please, please listen to the advice here.

GO find out what the patterns of abuse are.
I'm sure there are excellent links and books and resources right there in your community.

Please please call a domestic violence hotline and ask them what is abusive behavior.

love
Hops

[Elaine1966]

Sweet Lady,
As I read your posts, I just wanted to reach through the computer and give you a big hug.  All the posts are correct in you need to seek some professional help, he doesn't have to go with you, he doesn't even have to know about it.  I am currently in counseling because of a Narcisstic fiance that I am in the process of leaving.  I totally understand when you say you love him, but don't know why because of how he treats you.  I am in the same situation....sometimes it just doesn't make sense to us, especially when your wrapped up in the middle of it.  They have a way of beating you down emotionally, which will eventually lead to physical, they keep you so confused with one minute being mean and ugly then being sweet and charming.  You want so bad to have this man in your life so you focus on what little positive there is and not on the negatives (which there are more of).

I am a private investigator and I have had many clients in my office coming out of this type of situation.  It never ever gets better, most of the time they wished they had gotten out a lot sooner but were afraid or they couldn't afford an attorney etc.  Also, what I have seen is these types of men will also eventually cheat on their wives (thats usually when I come into the picture).  By the time they are in my office they are so emotionally and physically drained and reaching out to anyone who can help.

In Texas there is legal aid for those who can't afford an Attorney.  Where ever you live probably has the same service.  Also, if you can't afford counseling, there are many agencies, church's, etc. that will either provide counseling for free or on a sliding fee scale. 

Please keep yourself safe, stay close to your support group, post on this board (they have helped me tremendously and still are).  Oh, my counselor told me about a book called "Boundaries."  I haven't read it yet, but I have ordered it.  It may be something you want to check into.

Something to think about.....I was told this once...."Don't let your life control you..you take control of your life."  I am currently working on that myself desperately.

You are not alone!

((((((((Hugs, Elaine)))))))

[SweetLady27]

sorry its takeing me so long to replay. Im still not sure what to do, I want to leave but when im ready to I freeze up. Everyone is routeing for me! I have only been married for a year, why is it that when we were dateing things were wonderful? We just got into a arguement, becuse he said something I laughed and when I did he took offence and I was called every fithy name in the book. I didnt mean anything. He tied it into something we had talked about into the past, I wasnt even thinking of that I cant do anything correct. I cant decide if I love him to much or not. Hes always saying the word hate, it makes me so sad  and that he feels diffrently about me then he did when we were dateing, that he dosent respect me anymore. However in the next breath he loves me. Im not purefect I dont live up to his standards I feel so bad, I do love him though.