Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: James on April 11, 2008, 11:57:36 AM
-
i think my biggest challenge is to learn to be vulnerable with people outside my FOO. I keep most of my pain inside and when i do open up i find that there is so much that it feels like a tidal wave and then i can feel overwhelmed.Sometimes i worry if there are people around who can handle the pain i carry. In the last year i have eliminated a no of friends or they have eliminated me because when i try to share this they run or blame me. I have found that a no of these people are like my parents and i didn't realize that i had been used and never really listened to. They simple cannot tolerate the truth and then they try and make me at fault. It feels crazy. In my family there was never any display of vulnerability, my N parents alway saw this as a weakness and it was not tolerated. I feel lonely these days because we siblings no longer speak and i have been blamed for tearing the family apart but in reality i was the one who saw thru what was going on and they hate me for exposing them to the truth. I actually thought that exposing the family dysfunctions would bring us together. Now my position in the family is a painful one and i am beginning to see that i will never find love with these people, in fact i see a lot of hate coming from them. They simply don't get it. I have a good therapist that i can rely on but finding other people outside who can tolerate a person in pain seems difficult. I am getting healthier but as i do this the reality of what i survived is becoming clearer and that in itself is very difficult to comprehend. I move in and out of denial because i can only take so much at one time...... James
-
Dear James,
I think that this is a stage, for you. I went through this for my first year,on the board. I was a walking ball of pain. Many people did not like me b/c I was so raw and vulnerable. In my real life, I was not as raw and vulnerable b/c people didn't really understand N's and so I gave up and was more superficial.
On the board, I moaned and moaned b/c I needed to. Some people understood and helped, Gradually, I started to see my problems and started to feel a little better. I stayed when I wanted to leave ,and other people wanted me to leave, too(lol) This board understands N's and that is unique.Even most therapists do not understand how N's function in life(IME)
My NM went to therapy her whole life and no one told her she was an N until *I* did ,by learning about it ,on the board.
So, the board is unique in that you don't have to explain yourself about N's and N damage.
I think there is no way around being a walking ball of pain ,for a period of time. Maybe, I am wrong,but I think that you have to go through it.
As I found my core , I started to get some peace and hope.
God has always brought me people,on the board, and in life, to help. It has never failed.
If 60 % of the people don't understand, 40% will. The 40% will be life giving .
I have hope, now. I feel a sense that I can be an authentic person.
I think, James, that there is no way to get around the pain of "exposing" your vulnerabilites, until you see that you are human, not "bad", as I am seeing,now.
The road was not easy, but staying "sick" was harder(lol)
Staying sick is so,so much worse. It is hopeless.
Now,I do have hope for my life.
You will, too. Love Ami
((((((((((James)))))))))))
-
Ami....Sometimes i do feel like a "ball of pain" but i know that as i expose this i usually feel better even though the vulnerabilty makes me feel sort of weak. In my family it was especially important that men show no weaknesses. I just am not that type person that they want me to be. I do have pain and carrying it around feels terrible. One of the reasons i isolate so much is to not expose other people to this. I can be "superficial" at times but i don't feel comfortable in being this way and the worst thing about it all is that i can't really achieve intimacy with anyone. I guess i am afraid that they will see the pain and push me away like my FOO does......James
-
Dear James
I understand SO much how you feel. It is easier to be a female and a walking ball of pain. Femininity has it's advantages(LOL).
However,it is important to BE a walking ball of pain,for a period or you will never get out of it(IMO)
You will find that those deep parts of yourself that you HATE will become s/thing that other people will have ,too,and they will share with you and you will not feel so alone , hopeless and "bad".
I don't think there is any way around than sharing and SEEING that you are human and simply got your humanness distorted in to "badness" when it was ONLY humanness.
I think that is the answer ,but I am not there, either. I think the answer IS that we were always just 'human" ,not '"bad" BUT we were told we were bad and believed it.
If I could see the one truth that would set us free ,I think it is that one.
There is no way to know that you are not bad ,other than sharing and seeing that other people have the same issues .
That is how I see it, anyway.
When I found the man I love, he saw me as my "core" and not my pain, shame and guilt. That was an incredible gift,but I would not have been ready for it , without finding my core, on the board.
Sometimes , finding your core reminds me of Mario on the vidoe games, who goes through all the ups and downs.
Even the downs are better than isolating and hiding who you really are. That is a worse pain than even rejection. I think.
Everything you express, *I* understand and I know many other people do, too.
You are doing really, really well, James! Love Ami
-
Ami.....Being a man you get so many messages that its not OK to feel. It comes from a lot of different places but i think this is wrong. Men do feel deeply but we sometimes don't have the support from others because of the old stereotype to be macho. I have read or heard women say they were shocked and a little uncomfortable when they see men be vulnerable and even cry, but i have also heard other women say the opposite, that they valued this quality and it allows them to feel closer. Certainly in my family feelings were not ok. I reject their view now and see that for me being open is the only way to find myself....James
-
James
I too have a family of siblings, who either didn't see life, while growing up, as I did, or were not affected the way I was and I was always the odd one out.
Now with all of us being senior citizens and our parents dead, we are still the same. Each went his/her separate way when married and each has his/her owen children and grandchildren.
I doubt they will ever understand me and I now have set them aside as toxic to me. It is because they never will understand.
I tried to explain N-ism when I learned about it after I left him and no one took an interest or understood anyway.
I am 2000 miles from all
If, in my life here, I meet someone who might ask anything personal, I am likely to say, "I have lived a life you just wouldn't understand, so let's just leave that part out'. Anyone who might ask that would be a workmate, if we were to become too friendly and most are kept at arm's length. A woman I have never met, is now Secretary, and has taken an interest in the Website, so is coming here on Tuesday for a "lesson" on how I do it and what is needed at my end, as she realized too many errors were not being passed on to me.
The difference with you and me is likely age, and at my age living alone is great and I cannot even imagine trying to become interested in a man. I see the ones I want to, in my dreams!
About as vulnerable as I get is to not be wearing makeup and my hair is hanging down long, not styled up as people see me, when the Treasurer is wanting to come here, and his are always emergencies. Now he tells me I look younger in longer hair, and that is being personal, when he just came to pick up a cheque. I thought the long hair would stop him from coming! :lol: :lol: it hasn't
hang in there
Izzy
P.S. Most people do not want to hear about our troubles, as they do not know what to do, and might be saying, "There but for thre Grace of G_d , go I". I think that of my disability and about the dysfunctioal background.
-
Ami.....Being a man you get so many messages that its not OK to feel. It comes from a lot of different places but i think this is wrong. Men do feel deeply but we sometimes don't have the support from others because of the old stereotype to be macho. I have read or heard women say they were shocked and a little uncomfortable when they see men be vulnerable and even cry, but i have also heard other women say the opposite, that they valued this quality and it allows them to feel closer. Certainly in my family feelings were not ok. I reject their view now and see that for me being open is the only way to find myself....James
I always had a hard time with male stereotypes that society seems to have. People often don't recognize that a male can be abused, or that because they are a male they shouldn't become powerless over it. I've come to find over the years that when it comes to some of the serious issues that some of us have to face, being male or female doesn't really make a difference. We all hurt just the same and develop the same problems over it. It was hard to find people to open up to about it, which is why I'm glad to find places like this where I can kinda count on people to recognize we're all the same when you get to the core.
-
You are like my friend,in that he is in touch with his feelings more than *I* am. I love. He is deeper than I am and more connected to himself.
I see that quality in you . You are already OK, but just don't know it, as I don't ,quite yet.
We believe we are NOT OK, but we REALLY are. That is the lie and the paradox. Part of sharing our deep selves is realizing that we were always OK, like Dorothy could always go home.
It can take other people to see that you are OK and fine, though.That is one of the reasons sharing is so powerful.
I think a man who can connect with his emotions will be able to find a deep, enduring and satisfying love. Then, many FOO will fade b/c love is healing .
However, your finding the deep sense of who you are is the first step. Then, we need to love ourselves,which is another hard step, and where I am ,now. I have to throw off all the FOO ideas that I was worthless and love this "old worthless thing(lol)
Love, Ami
-
Izzy....it really is tough being the odd one out in our families. I empathize with you for what you have survived. This position has the effect of forcing me to find others that understand although it seems the most normal thing in my head to expect your immediate family to understand but for me it's not the case. I have found gradually when i open up others sometimes let me know its Ok and it gives me hope....Thanks James Darren......its good to hear from another man on here who has experienced the same feelings that this stereotype brings. I agree with you that underneath it all we really are the same, sterotypes makes things a little more difficult though. I am finding very slowly that when i open my feelings up to other men they often suprise me by sharing some of theirs and it leads me to believe and trust that feelings are Ok. My dad was just the opposite of this and he is completely incapable of relating in any genuine feeling way. There is such a gap between me and him and i think that this experience led me to believe that all this was not ok........James Ami.....i don't feel like i have much of a home right now. Not just with my family but inside myself. My real self seems like it was forced out a long time ago and was taken over by this numb sort of unreal person. I just want to have my feelings back even if i have to feel pain in order to achieve this. I feel am nothing without myself.......James
-
Ami.....i don't feel like i have much of a home right now. Not just with my family but inside myself. My real self seems like it was forced out a long time ago and was taken over by this numb sort of unreal person. I just want to have my feelings back even if i have to feel pain in order to achieve this. I feel am nothing without myself.......James
[/quote]
Dear James
I think the key to our emotional health and a good life is finding a home in ourselves. I have been here, before, but am not ,now. I know what it feels like and it is my goal.
We ARE nothing if we are not "for ourselves". I love the quote,"If I am not for myself, Who am I? If I am only for myself, what am I?"
This is my goal ,right now, being FOR myself. It goes against ALL we were taught as children of N's.
I agree that the goal is finding the home ,inside ourselves, James.When we get the home inside ourselves,the outside will work. Then, relationships will work, I think. Love Ami
(((((((((((James))))))))
-
I have a good therapist that i can rely on but finding other people outside who can tolerate a person in pain seems difficult. I am getting healthier but as i do this the reality of what i survived is becoming clearer and that in itself is very difficult to comprehend.
I completely relate with this. I have had a very difficult time getting back into the world since I found myself outside looking in. I too understand how far I have come as I get healthier.
I just want to have my feelings back even if i have to feel pain in order to achieve this. I feel am nothing without myself.......James
I think you are getting to your feelings. I think that is exactly what you are doing in this post - opening the door. My experience here is that the more I "work" an issue on the board - to the point of nausea - the closer I get to getting through. I have also seen a pattern that the more I understand something intellectually and work on it the more stuck I feel but if I keep working on it then suddenly - when I feel most hopeless about breaking through - suddenly I've made it. It is a frustrating and sometimes discouraging process but the main thing is to believe it works and don't give up (be persistent).
Sometimes it is easier to see progress from the outside rather than the inside. i see progress in this very issue with you James.
i have on more than one occassion found that the encouragement of those here helped push me through. I believe in you and your work - Gaining Strength
-
Ami......i have only felt at home inside myself a few times as an adult. Most of the time i just keep asking the nagging question of Who am i? It scares me sometimes not knowing who i am and how i feel. I can feel lost when this happens(existentially speaking)....James
-
Ami......i have only felt at home inside myself a few times as an adult. Most of the time i just keep asking the nagging question of Who am i? It scares me sometimes not knowing who i am and how i feel. I can feel lost when this happens(existentially speaking)....James
I know what you mean about feeling lost, James. I am trying to find my home in myself. Sometimes, I feel more "there" than others.
I think that if you empty out the pain, as you are doing, then you will walk forward on the path to your true self. The first step is to face the pain, IMO, JUST as you are. Love Ami
-
GS......when i look back i see i was just getting along as best i could and then several years ago i really imploded and every since then it's been a real struggle to fit back in with the world. i never really felt like i fit anyway but this time maybe the implosion was a big wakeup call saying i need to do something about this. It's a painfully positive development in my way of thinking. It's interesting to hear you describe the nature of your breakthru's. Mine seem very similar in that i can intellectualize and beat to death an issue and then a breakthru comes at the point where i feel so frustrated and hopeless. Usually i feel a lot of grief and then seem better for awhile until the process starts all over again...........James
-
Ami........ emptying out the pain is a big part of getting healthy IMO too....James
-
Dear James,
I think emptying out the pain is just our way of seeing the lies and distortions.It is the first step to healing(IMO). It is hard and you feel really vulnerable,but there is no way around it,I think,
We must SEE that the lies we thought were true ,about ourselves, ARE,in fact ,lies, such as we were "bad", flawed,etc.
When we expose the lies to the light,by sharing them, we see them as lies and can let them go. Love Ami
-
Ami.......I think you are exactly right. I know thats what i have been trying to do in therapy and when i am successful it makes a big difference in how i feel about myself...........James
-
Dear James,
I was thinking about the Bible verse,"Train a child in the way he should go and he will not depart from it." This refers to teaching a child about God. However, I bet that you could apply it to learning anything, as children.'
What we learn as children just seems "true". It gets hard wired ,to some degree. I think it is not hard wired ,in that you cannot change it,but that it is resistant to change.
The things we learned as kids just "seem" true, in a deep, almost "cellular" way.
I know that when I talk to my Aunt, she feels "good" about herself,in a cellular way. She feels she is OK. She accepts "bad" parts of herself as "human",not "bad"(my struggle -bleh.)
She really feels she is OK, at a deep level.
My M feels like she is NOT OK, at a deep level.
That deep level is the key. We cannot perfume over a swamp.
I see that. I think that many therapies perfume over the problem.
I can see ,with me, that as I heal the inside, the outside takes care of itself.
As I heal my core, I don't feel so afraid of the big,bad world. *I* can handle myself ,in the big,bad world, if I connect with my core.
I have been afraid of traveling. As I heal, I think I will simply just be able to travel, without a lot of fuss or effort. I think I will just do it b/c the root reasons will be healed . The fears are the tops of the plant. The root contains the 'real" problem and real solution.
I believe we CAN heal . No one is too far away to heal, too damaged to heal. My dear friend showed me that last night.
I think that we, as "damaged' humans, can heal if we have some basic ingredients such as love , truth and faith. Then, we can go to the cellular level and rewrite the program.
James, you are so precious to me, like my son Scott. I could not see how much he was in distress. I was in denial. He seemed to function so well. He did '"tell" me, but I did not "hear".To the very last, he was the sweetest person. I see him kissing me good -bye and going off to school ,on the morning of his death.He saw the lies ,as truth and they were such, big lies. He was worth so much. So many people loved him. I think of all the people at his funeral, high school friends, junior high friends, teachers, parents of other kids who talked about his smile.What a waste. It was ALL lies and our problem is believing lies, too.
I am SO glad you are reaching out ,James. Reaching out is health, dear friend. Love Ami
((((((((James)))))))
-
Ami...it is the lies and illusions that makes us sick as adults but we needed these to survive in childhood. It does seem hardwired but i agree w/you that it can be changed and for me this means going back and finding out what really happened and how i felt. It's amazing when i find feelings that have been suppressed for years and see the effects they had on my life. I seem to change almost automatically when these surface, although i am impatient and the slowness of the process frustrates me to no end. I am curious about something. Your mom and her sister grew up in the same family? have you ever wondered why they are so different. What happened to make your mom N and your aunt "loving"? I have noticed a real difference in my mom and her sister and i am just beginning to understand why.......James
-
Dear James,
I have a joke that my Aunt was taken up by aliens, raised and sent back. My M(the oldest) and the Brother(youngest) are screwed up ,but my M is the worst.
My Aunt views her life totally differently than my M. My Aunt is two years younger. I used to yearn for my Aunt tp be my M. . I used to have recurrent dreams that I was running by her house and it was warm and cozy,but I was not allowed to come in. I was running(usually ,in the rain--bleh) to my house which was cold, dark and usually locked(lol)
My M told me that she(my M) was very, very jealous of my Aunt and my M's problems were from that. I don't know,but I am sure my M was shamed for her feelings by my GM, who did not understand about feelings.
My M has always had a pathological jeaousy toward her sister, which she told me that she played out on me, even calling me her sisters name.
I don't think my M had major abuse to become an N. Her M was perfectionistic and I am sure shamed her, but maybe it was hatred of her sister.
What about your M and her sister, James? Love Ami
-
Ami......my mom was the oldest and was expected by her working parents to run the house from a very early age and she was abused in essence by the nature of this unfair demand. She was robbed of her true self and doesn't know it. She had to raise her little sister too as it was expected by her parents. My aunt was a "nut". She was spoiled rotten by my grandparents . Given everything, while my mom got very little. Of course this spoiling is very abusive in itself and once again her true self was denied. My aunt died fairly young a few yrs ago from ovarian cancer. It was sad to watch her the last 10 yrs of her life. Her mental illness consumed her and everyone else around. My aunt was very jealous of my mom and wanted everything she envied her for. It tore the families apart. She definetly had a major personality disorder of some sort. A lot of drama and theatrics. They were so dysfunctional i never wished i could live with them just visiting was more than enough exposure for me. I would actually be sick to my stomach almost the whole time i was around both families.....James
-
Dear James,
Do you have stomach problems related to emotions? I do . Our "gut" instinct had to be shut down in our families. I have to try to handle emotions ,without having physical problems, connected with them. Love Ami
-
I relate to fear of being vulnerable and fear of emotions, but I think James said something worth repeating earlier in this thread, which is (I paraphrase) it's good to feel bad, in that it's better than feeling nothing. Lately I have been very unhappy--I have a project I can't seem to make right, and like all my projects it's mine alone, there's no team, so it's mine to succeed of fail, and I feel like a total abject failure. I'm exhausted by it, and I've tried it every which way but loose, and I feel like I cannot do it, and thus my whole life is a waste and over and yadda yadda. So today I just couldn't help it, I sat at my computer and sobbed. My keyboard was a total mess, sopped. But actually, in the end, it felt OK. I mean, it balanced me a little to let some of it out. I've been trying not to cry for days and immediately felt better--not good, but better--when I just said, Fine, Let it go.
-
Ami....i have and still do have a lot of feelings registering in my gut at times with a feeling of nausea . Gjazz....Sorry your project has been so trying for you. Do you think it was triggering old childhood memories?.............James
-
I don't know about childhood memories, it has more to do with lifelong patterns in the way I think, undermine myself, fail to follow through. I get a great start then cannot finish. I think, Ah, this is IT, perfect, then a few days later I hate it all and toss it out and start over. It's thinking it's never good enough, nothing I do is ever good enough. That's what gets to me. I always think what I do is total crap.
-
Dear Gjazz,
The first step to healing is identifying the problem and you are doing that. You are expressing it, which is the second step(in my way of healing, anyway).
I am really happy that you are sharing some of your deep ,troublesome patterns. I think you will find the way out, I am so glad you are here, Gjazz. You are outspoken and honest and I really appreciate your posts. Love Ami
((((((((Gjazz)))))))
-
Thanks Ami. I think the boards are good--a helpful thing. I'm new and just feeling my way but it's nice to feel wanted. Hope you're doing OK too. Hanging in there. Take care.
-
Yes, Gjazz
The board is like life--in both good and bad(lol) ways.
I have made wonderful friends, been given tremendous love and learned how to stand up. You can't beat it! Love Ami
-
James & Ami,
I think you guys are on the right track by looking at our parent's upbringing, our aunts, uncles, grandparents. We are effected, today, by our relative's upbringing and childhood experiences. The older generation passes along it's emotional baggage to the younger generation. So, we carry their baggage and we may not even be aware of it. Also, the older generation may not be aware that they burdened us with their emotional baggage.
I think that when we have feelings and we can't figure out what caused those feelings, then we're in the realm of the prior generation's emotional baggage or we feel a feeling that we felt as a child (like the shame and anger we felt when our parents yelled at or criticized us) and we have forgotten the exact incident but we remember the feeling.
So, we remeber the feeling and we feel the feeling now and today, but we don't know what caused us to feel that feelingnow :was it emotional baggage from prior generation or an incident that occured when we were very young? So, there's a disconnect between cause & effect of the feeling, but we definately feel the feeling now & today.
So, I suppose the best thing to do is to trace the cause of this feeling through memory, but that can be painful and may best to do so with a therpist.
(((((((((((((gjazz))))))))))))) Your parents probably trained you to be a perfectionist (as a way to please them and fulfill their needs), but now, that perfectionism is hurting you. I been there too. Please read about Perfectionism. I don't have a specific source in mind, but search the board or google Perfectionism.
love to you all,
ann
-
Ann3: you're right, I've done quite a bit of reading on perfectionism. It's crippling but my mom actually still speaks of being a perfectionist with pride. She cannot ever follow through with anything, and hasn't, because no effort is ever good enough--and she thinks that's a good thing! Oh dear.
-
gjaz,
my mom actually still speaks of being a perfectionist with pride.
Yr mom is WRONG. Please read more about perfectionsim, which is a symptom of voicelessness.
love,
ann
-
Ann3........I am reading a very good book. It's titled RECLAIMING YOUR LIFE by Jean Jenson. In essence its about how one goes about retrieving old childhood memories and understanding how they influence our lives in the present. It gives very detailed information on how to do this work and how to process safely what one finds. Like you said this work can be very painful but it is working for me. I am still in the process and nowhere near being out of the pain my past causes but i am making progress. The book targets people who wish to work their therapy at home rather than in a therapist's office but its beneficial for me with my therapist. It's all about how to access our history and proess it especially if we have memory blockages.............James
-
I still can't cry in front of anyone since my mother always said/implied that crying is weakness. I don't have close friends because I am fearful of putting too much of myself out there.
I've been learning to be open with my husband. I finally feel safe being myself and being able to let down my guard. It is an amazing feeling, and I'm saddened that so much time was lost while I was so afraid of others hurting me.
The older generation passes along it's emotional baggage to the younger generation. So, we carry their baggage and we may not even be aware of it. Also, the older generation may not be aware that they burdened us with their emotional baggage.
I don't think my mother cares about what baggage she's passed on, but she most definitely has done so. I know where most of my baggage comes from, and I've been slowly getting free of it for the last 5 years.
-
You know, I had a dream last night where my whole FOO came home from a trip, and I couldn't find my baggage! Mine was the only baggage missing. I searched high and low throughout the building, everywhere, but no sign of it. So my mom tried to give me some of hers, and I was disgusted. I wonder...? Maybe it's a good thing, a sign I'm finally moving on. Hadn't thought of that until reading this quote. It's not much help to others, but maybe a sign of progress.
-
I visited my parents again today and had the experience of seeing them for who they are. This was the strongest my perceptions have ever been. My dad is cruel and very cold, i am mostly an object to be shaped by him. Not really a person. He takes his anger out on me but it is a projection of how he feels about himself. I saw my mom as a little girl. I watched her closely and she appeared to be living in a dream world disconected from reality. She is frozen in time. I could see how i am part of her dream world. I was not real just something she used to support her delusions. She used me to create something that was acceptable to her and her pretense of love she withdrew, if i had any feelings to the contrary. They both intimdated and abused me if i did not meet their criteria of what they wanted me to be in their eyes. I was never supported with any of my feelings and eventually walled those off from myself in order to survive. It was an emotional wasteland. I see so clearly why i am afraid of being vulnerable. Back then it was dangerous because the feelings that i had would not be acceptable to them. I was unhappy and sad, lonely and confused , how could i tell them about these things because they were the cause of it all. I have been playing this over and over in my head for years not realizing what was going on. I have had some experiences opening up to others and i experienced terror and overwhelming feelings. This is what i expected back then and why i walled myself off from other people and myself. This is a big break thru for me. I even think this unreal feeling i experience may be due partly to the way i felt back then b/c they treated me like i was not there as a real person. Mostly my feeling did not exist for them and in turn i felt unreal, like i did not exist. I was just part of their mind and what they wanted this to be. Does this makes sense? ....James
-
It makes sense to me. The sensation of being "walled off" is one I've felt all my life--I built the wall, quite deliberately, to keep myself safe. Your mother is responding to a crazy-making situation by enlisting you as a confederate. But you don't have to join that war, as you've said: it's a breakthrough to see it all clearly. Having feelings invalidated as a child is a very destructive thing--not only invalidated, but attacked. A breakthrough can only mean you're getting stronger. Stay the course!
-
Gjazz.....I am glad this made sense to you, it helps validate what i saw. At first i could hardly believe it b/c i had been over and over this intellectually many times before but somehow it clicked emotionally today for the first time. It's giving me many real insights to explain why i have felt the way i have for so many years. Sometimes i feel like a slow learner....Thank You James
-
Maybe it's just that it's a little easier to know things intellectually, where we an process them without so much potential for hurt, and knowing them emotionally, where the pain really strikes. And maybe you "saw" things on an emotional level and understood them that way because you are getting stronger and are ready for that (?).
-
I visited my parents again today and had the experience of seeing them for who they are. This was the strongest my perceptions have ever been. My dad is cruel and very cold, i am mostly an object to be shaped by him. Not really a person. He takes his anger out on me but it is a projection of how he feels about himself. I saw my mom as a little girl. I watched her closely and she appeared to be living in a dream world disconected from reality. She is frozen in time. I could see how i am part of her dream world. I was not real just something she used to support her delusions. She used me to create something that was acceptable to her and her pretense of love she withdrew, if i had any feelings to the contrary. They both intimdated and abused me if i did not meet their criteria of what they wanted me to be in their eyes. I was never supported with any of my feelings and eventually walled those off from myself in order to survive. It was an emotional wasteland. I see so clearly why i am afraid of being vulnerable. Back then it was dangerous because the feelings that i had would not be acceptable to them. I was unhappy and sad, lonely and confused , how could i tell them about these things because they were the cause of it all. I have been playing this over and over in my head for years not realizing what was going on. I have had some experiences opening up to others and i experienced terror and overwhelming feelings. This is what i expected back then and why i walled myself off from other people and myself. This is a big break thru for me. I even think this unreal feeling i experience may be due partly to the way i felt back then b/c they treated me like i was not there as a real person. Mostly my feeling did not exist for them and in turn i felt unreal, like i did not exist. I was just part of their mind and what they wanted this to be. Does this makes sense? ....James
You explained this so clearly ,James. You saw it so clearly.
You are truly getting healthy. Keep going, facing the truth, and you will get where you want to go---emotional wholeness. I am so excited to see your progress, James. It makes me so happy. I feel a sense of joy, as I start my day, today. Love Ami