Fear of being vulnerable

[James]

i think my biggest challenge is to learn to be vulnerable with people outside my FOO. I keep most of my pain inside and when i do open up i find that there is so much that it feels like a tidal wave and then i can feel overwhelmed.Sometimes i worry if there are people around who can handle the pain i carry.  In the last year i have eliminated a no of friends or they have eliminated me because when i try to share this they run or blame me. I have found that a no of these people are like my parents and i didn't realize that i had been used and never really listened to. They simple cannot tolerate the truth and then they try and make me at fault. It feels crazy. In my family there was never any display of vulnerability, my N parents alway saw this as a weakness and it was not tolerated. I feel lonely these days because we siblings no longer speak and i have been blamed for tearing the family apart but in reality i was the one who saw thru what was going on and they hate me for exposing them to the truth. I actually thought that exposing the family dysfunctions would bring us together. Now my position in the family is a painful one and i am beginning to see that i will never find love with these people, in fact i see a lot of hate coming from them. They simply don't get it. I have a good therapist that i can rely on but finding other people outside who can tolerate a person in pain seems difficult. I am getting healthier but as i do this the reality of what i survived is becoming clearer and that in itself is very difficult to comprehend. I move in and out of denial because i can only take so much at one time...... James

[Ami]

Dear James,
 I think that this is a stage, for you. I went through this for my first year,on the board. I was a walking ball of pain. Many people did not like me b/c I was so raw and vulnerable. In my real life, I was not as raw and vulnerable b/c people didn't  really understand N's and  so I gave up and was more superficial.
 On the board, I moaned and moaned b/c I needed to. Some people understood and helped, Gradually, I started to see my problems and started to feel a little better. I stayed when I wanted to leave ,and other people wanted me to leave, too(lol) This board understands N's and that is unique.Even most therapists do not understand how N's function in life(IME)
 My NM went to therapy her whole life and no one told her she was an N until *I* did ,by learning about it ,on the board.
 So, the board is unique in that you don't have to explain yourself about N's and N damage.
 I think there is no way around being a walking ball of pain ,for a period of time. Maybe, I am wrong,but I think that you have to go through it.
 As I found my core , I started to get some peace and hope.
 God has always brought me people,on the board, and in life, to help. It has never failed.
 If 60 % of the people don't understand, 40% will. The 40% will be life giving .
 I have hope, now. I feel a sense that I can be an authentic person.
  I think, James, that there is no way to get around the pain of "exposing" your vulnerabilites, until you see that you are human, not "bad", as I am seeing,now.
  The road was not easy, but staying "sick" was harder(lol)
 Staying sick is so,so much worse. It is hopeless.
 Now,I do have hope for my life.
 You will, too.      Love   Ami



((((((((((James)))))))))))

[James]

Ami....Sometimes i do feel like a "ball of pain" but i know that as i expose this i usually feel better even though the vulnerabilty makes me feel sort of weak. In my family it was especially important that men show no weaknesses. I just am not that type person that they want me to be. I do have pain and carrying it around feels terrible. One of the reasons i isolate so much is to not expose other people to this. I can be "superficial" at times but i don't feel comfortable in being this way and the worst thing about it all is that i can't really achieve intimacy with anyone. I guess i am afraid that they will see the pain and push me away like my FOO does......James

[Ami]

Dear James
 I understand SO much how you feel. It is easier to be a female and  a walking ball of pain. Femininity has it's advantages(LOL).
  However,it is important to BE a walking ball of pain,for a period or you will never get out of it(IMO)
  You will find that those deep parts of yourself that you HATE will become s/thing that other people will have ,too,and they will share  with you  and you will not feel so alone , hopeless and "bad".
 I don't think there is any way around than sharing and SEEING that you are human and simply got your humanness distorted in to "badness" when it was ONLY humanness.
  I think that is the answer ,but I am not  there, either. I think the answer IS that we were always just 'human" ,not '"bad" BUT we were told we were bad and  believed it.
  If I could see the one  truth that would set us free ,I think it is that  one.
  There is no way to know that you are not bad ,other than sharing and seeing that other people have the same issues .
  That is how I see it, anyway.
  When I found the man I love, he saw me as my "core" and not my pain, shame and guilt. That was an incredible gift,but I would not have been ready for it , without finding my core, on the board.
 Sometimes , finding your core reminds me of Mario on the vidoe games, who goes through all the ups and downs.
 Even the downs are better than isolating and hiding who you really are. That is a worse pain than even rejection. I think.
 Everything you express, *I* understand and I know many other people do, too.
  You are doing really, really well, James!        Love    Ami

[James]

Ami.....Being a man you get so many messages that its not OK to feel. It comes from a lot of different places but i think this is wrong. Men do feel deeply but we sometimes don't have the support from others because of the old stereotype to be macho. I have read or heard women say they were shocked and a little uncomfortable when they see men be vulnerable and even cry, but i have also heard other women say the opposite, that they valued this quality and it allows them to feel closer. Certainly in my family feelings were not ok. I reject their view now and see that for me being open is the only way to find myself....James

[Izzy_*now*]

James
I too have a family of siblings, who either didn't see life, while growing up, as I did, or were not affected the way I was and I was always the odd one out.
Now with all of us being senior citizens and our parents dead, we are still the same. Each went his/her separate way when married and each has his/her owen children and grandchildren.
I doubt they will ever understand me and I now have set them aside as toxic to me. It is because they never will understand.
I tried to explain N-ism when I learned about it after I left him and no one took an interest or understood anyway.
I am 2000 miles from all

If, in my life here, I meet someone who might ask anything personal, I am likely to say, "I have lived a life you just wouldn't understand, so let's just leave that part out'. Anyone who might ask that would be a workmate, if we were to become too friendly and most are kept at arm's length. A woman I have never met, is now Secretary, and has taken an interest in the Website, so is coming here on Tuesday for a "lesson" on how I do it and what is needed at my end, as she realized too many errors were not being passed on to me.

The difference with you and me is likely age, and at my age living alone is great and I cannot even imagine trying to become interested in a man. I see the ones I want to, in my dreams!

About as vulnerable as I get is to not be wearing makeup and my hair is hanging down long, not styled up as people see me, when the Treasurer is wanting to come here, and his are always emergencies. Now he tells me I look younger in longer hair, and that is being personal, when he just came to pick up a cheque. I thought the long hair would stop him from coming!      it hasn't

hang in there
Izzy

P.S. Most people do not want to hear about our troubles, as they do not know what to do, and might be saying, "There but for thre Grace of G_d , go I".  I think that of my disability and about the dysfunctioal background.

[darren]

Ami.....Being a man you get so many messages that its not OK to feel. It comes from a lot of different places but i think this is wrong. Men do feel deeply but we sometimes don't have the support from others because of the old stereotype to be macho. I have read or heard women say they were shocked and a little uncomfortable when they see men be vulnerable and even cry, but i have also heard other women say the opposite, that they valued this quality and it allows them to feel closer. Certainly in my family feelings were not ok. I reject their view now and see that for me being open is the only way to find myself....James

I always had a hard time with male stereotypes that society seems to have.  People often don't recognize that a male can be abused, or that because they are a male they shouldn't become powerless over it.  I've come to find over the years that when it comes to some of the serious issues that some of us have to face, being male or female doesn't really make a difference.  We all hurt just the same and develop the same problems over it.  It was hard to find people to open up to about it, which is why I'm glad to find places like this where I can kinda count on people to recognize we're all the same when you get to the core.  

[Ami]

You are like my friend,in that he is in touch with his feelings more than *I* am. I love. He is deeper than I am and more connected to himself.
 I see that quality in you . You are already OK, but just don't know it, as I don't ,quite yet.
 We believe we are NOT OK, but we REALLY are. That is the lie and the paradox. Part of sharing our deep selves is realizing that we were always OK, like Dorothy could always go home.
 It can take other people to see that you are OK and fine, though.That is one of the reasons sharing is so powerful.
 I think a man who can connect with his emotions will be able to find  a deep, enduring and satisfying love. Then, many FOO will fade b/c love is  healing .
 However, your finding the deep sense of who you are is the first step. Then, we need to love ourselves,which is  another hard step, and where I am ,now. I have to throw off all the FOO ideas that I was worthless and love this "old worthless thing(lol)
                                                       Love, Ami

[James]

Izzy....it really is tough being the odd one out in our families. I empathize with you for what you have survived. This position has the effect of forcing me to find others that understand although it seems the most normal thing in my head to expect your immediate family to understand but for me it's not the case. I have found gradually when i open up others sometimes let me know its Ok and it gives me hope....Thanks James              Darren......its good to hear from another man on here who has experienced the same feelings that this stereotype brings. I agree with you that underneath it all we really are the same, sterotypes makes things a little more difficult though. I am finding very slowly that when i open my feelings up to other men they often suprise me by sharing some of theirs and it leads me to believe and trust that feelings are Ok. My dad was just the opposite of this and he is completely incapable of relating in any genuine feeling way. There is such a gap between me and him and i think that this experience led me to believe that all this was not ok........James                  Ami.....i don't feel like i have much of a home right now. Not just with my family but inside myself. My real self seems like it was forced out a long time ago and was taken over by this numb sort of unreal person. I just want to have my feelings back even if i have to feel pain in order to achieve this. I feel am nothing without myself.......James

[Ami]

Ami.....i don't feel like i have much of a home right now. Not just with my family but inside myself. My real self seems like it was forced out a long time ago and was taken over by this numb sort of unreal person. I just want to have my feelings back even if i have to feel pain in order to achieve this. I feel am nothing without myself.......James                   
[/quote]


Dear James
 I think the key to our emotional health and a good life is finding a home in ourselves. I have been here, before, but am not ,now. I know what it feels like and it is my goal.
 We ARE nothing if we are not "for ourselves". I love the quote,"If I am not for myself, Who am I? If I am only for myself, what am I?"
 This is my goal ,right now, being FOR myself. It goes against ALL we were taught as children of N's. 
 I agree that the goal is finding the home ,inside ourselves, James.When we get the home inside ourselves,the outside will work. Then, relationships will work, I think.          Love   Ami

(((((((((((James))))))))

[Gaining Strength]

I have a good therapist that i can rely on but finding other people outside who can tolerate a person in pain seems difficult. I am getting healthier but as i do this the reality of what i survived is becoming clearer and that in itself is very difficult to comprehend.

I completely relate with this.  I have had a very difficult time getting back into the world since I found myself outside looking in.  I too understand how far I have come as I get healthier.

I just want to have my feelings back even if i have to feel pain in order to achieve this. I feel am nothing without myself.......James

I think you are getting to your feelings.  I think that is exactly what you are doing in this post - opening the door.  My experience here is that the more I "work" an issue on the board - to the point of nausea - the closer I get to getting through.  I have also seen a pattern that the more I understand something intellectually and work on it the more stuck I feel but if I keep working on it then suddenly - when I feel most hopeless about breaking through - suddenly I've made it.  It is a frustrating and sometimes discouraging process but the main thing is to believe it works and don't give up (be persistent). 

Sometimes it is easier to see progress from the outside rather than the inside.  i see progress in this very issue with you James. 

i have on more than one occassion found that the encouragement of those here helped push me through.  I believe in you and your work - Gaining Strength

[James]

Ami......i have only felt at home inside myself a few times as an adult. Most of the time i just keep asking the nagging question of Who am i? It scares me sometimes not knowing who i am and how i feel. I can feel lost when this happens(existentially speaking)....James

[Ami]

Ami......i have only felt at home inside myself a few times as an adult. Most of the time i just keep asking the nagging question of Who am i? It scares me sometimes not knowing who i am and how i feel. I can feel lost when this happens(existentially speaking)....James

I know what you mean about feeling lost, James. I am trying to find my home in myself. Sometimes, I feel more "there" than others.
I think that if you empty out the pain, as you are doing, then you will walk forward  on the path to your true self. The first step is to face the pain, IMO, JUST as you are.     Love   Ami

[James]

GS......when i look back i see i was just getting along as best i could and then several years ago i really imploded and every since then it's been a real struggle to fit back in with the world.  i never really felt like i fit anyway but this time maybe the implosion was a big wakeup call saying i need to do something about this. It's a painfully positive development in my way of thinking. It's interesting to hear you describe the nature of your breakthru's. Mine seem very similar in that i can intellectualize and beat to death an issue and then a breakthru comes at the point where i feel so frustrated and hopeless. Usually i feel a lot of grief and then seem better for awhile until the process starts all over again...........James

[James]

Ami........ emptying out the pain is a big part of getting healthy IMO too....James