Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: lighter on April 18, 2008, 05:54:05 PM
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Haven't seen you in a while.... hope you're not under siege.
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Hey!
Thanks, Lighter, for checking on me.
I'm okay...feel a little crazed, but there may be good news. My brother's lawyer has recommended an "informal" meeting with me, my brother, my lawyer, and the guardian ad litem (temporary guardian--automatic because of my brother's petition) ... and my lawyer said it's a good thing. So we're meeting next Thursday. I have the sense that my brother's lawyer has tried to get him to realize he doesn't have much to stand on. We shall see, but I do feel good about my attorney.
I'm feeling a little crabby, I think because I had two more dates with my ex-T (SORRY, FRIENDS--I didn't take your advice!) and haven't heard from him this week. The reason I did it is that I asked a close friend, What are the chances that at my age (I'll be 58 soon) I should toss him away...and might look back one day and regret that I didn't give a good man with problems, a chance?
So I dunno where that's going, if anywhere. The silver lining is that my feelings about all that tell me that I'm not going to sit back and rot. Whether this moves forward or not, I do want TOUCH in my life, and there's no shortcut.
Have overnight guests coming, not in the mood. But I've been eating better, and exercising more...and all in all, it's still spring. And that's just unbelievable.
I am invested in the politics and that's chewing at me too...I want it over with!
These things are trivial, Lighter, how about you?
xo
Hops
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Just my opinion, Hops. I would go out with the therapist, too, if I liked him. Sending peace to you, Hops. Love Ami
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(SORRY, FRIENDS--I didn't take your advice!)
I need to dig up that thread. I don't remember advising you against him. I'm all for it. You're a smart gal and know your own boundaries. I think something is better than nothing, even a not so good something or a wounded something (anything but an abusive or neglectful something.) That's coming from a someone with nothing. IOW - go for it HOPS and enjoy!!!
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Here's a lesson that's worth learning, Hops.
Better to live with consequences of your own decisions.....
than with those of other people who aren' going to be dealing with the consequences, KWIM?
You don't have to make excuses for your decisions to us.... we'll keep giving you our view bc you're our friend and it might be helpful. That's the long and the short of it, frankly.
I think it's important that you do what you feel YOU should do..... skip any guilt/shame. You have enough to deal with.
I spent a lot of time thinking about that yesterday, in fact..... so this is a timely subject: )
ps.... keep your guard up re brother, legal matter and everyone's attorney. There's no comfort in becoming complacent with someone who'd lie, cheat, steal and commit crimes against you in order to have their way.
Be confident.
But prepare for the worst.
((Hops)) Thanks for checking in.
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(((((( Hops )))))))
You are ONLY 58 years young.
I know a lady who met someone and married, and there are so very happy together, best friends too, and she was more than 58 years young.
Her advice to me has been; "you can't rush in that which is in waiting for you"
She did not seek out or seek after, this lovely man, her best friend and wonderful new husband, they simply found each other.
The whole scenario truly warmed my heart, and renewed my faith in humanity.
Sincere thoughts of you, dear Hops.
Love, Leah
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But be careful Hops because a lonely woman will overlook a world of hurt just to be with someone. That is what I did. My H is ok sometimes but I definitely hooked up with a person who is a few cards short of a deck-or at least MY kind of deck. But sometimes I think I might be the problem. So anyway peace be with you in the brother mom house thing and just take it easy with the guy-fools rush in-take it slow. Kelly
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As I was reading the replies,it hit me that we really are like a group of friends sitting arond in a circle ,sharing. Each has a diiferent viewpoint and life experience and that is what makes it so wonderful and "real" Ami
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Thank you all.
Ami, good to know I'm not the only boundary-basher! But since I didn't hear from him this week, I feel let down, and maybe that's a good thing. One thing I don't have too much patience for these days is lack of communication (more accurately, lack of effort to communicate), and being left hanging doesn't feel good so that helps me step back. Likely a very good idea.
Leah, I loved that encouraging story, very heartening. I need to make my peace (again) with the life I have...and find happiness either alone or with animals. A whole lot of this frustration is literally being touch-starved. It's not just sex or even mostly sex, I am mostly missing somebody to touch. I am very affectionate and love to touch people. Poor hypothetical guy, I'd be all over him the way I feel. But...the silver lining is, frustration's a great motivation to EXERCISE!
Lighter, thanks again for the thread, incomprehensibly kind. And you're right. No relaxing about my brother, who surely has not changed. Even though he may not prevail, his character will be the same either way. Thanks. Spine stiffened.
GS, thank you. What you said got me thinking, when I read it again. I am wondering if I am excusing his out-of-control display on our first date (anxiety driven, so I understand, but then, it still hurt me) with his retreat after our most recent (delightful) date. I don't know if those two things mean abuse or neglect, but they just might be harbingers. Hmm. Thank you, GS.
Kell, you just cut to the chase. A lonely woman will overlook a world of hurt. Thank you very very much. Now I am all propped up to be sensible. For at least a week!
Ami, tonight I go to my "3D VSMB" -- a covenant group I love a lot. It's led by an old friend and the women are wonderful. So I'll be better.
I love Sundays.
xxoo
Hops
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A good stiff spine is exactly what you'll need to keep from being even more dissapointed by your brother's behavior.
He can't do any better.... or he would: (
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Dear Hops,
Your friend sounds like he has issues,but he sounds good, too. Who doesn't have issues (lol)?
He may have gotten temporarily frightened of his feelings for you,is my guess .
I bet he has some fears of intimacy,but I think they are not insurmountable, especially if you use wisdom and intuition and don't push him faster than he can go.
That is my intuitive feeling.Compost what does not fit, maybe the whole thing(lol) Love Ami
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Leah, I loved that encouraging story, very heartening. I need to make my peace (again) with the life I have...and find happiness either alone or with animals. A whole lot of this frustration is literally being touch-starved. It's not just sex or even mostly sex, I am mostly missing somebody to touch. I am very affectionate and love to touch people. Poor hypothetical guy, I'd be all over him the way I feel. But...the silver lining is, frustration's a great motivation to EXERCISE!
Dear Hops,
I do sometimes wonder, what it would be like to be held in someones arms, with genuine love and care. I have never known that, and do sometimes wonder, if I ever will. So, I do understand, just a little, as I am also very much a loving, giving person, who would freely give and receive cuddles. Never had cuddles, never had my hair stroked either. Sadly, my exH did not like touch of any kind, no cuddles, no holding hands. I just thought that was the norm, as I was only young and he was my first and only bfriend.
Now, I am at the stage where I would like to perhaps date someone, which is why I opened up with my dear friend, who is much older and wiser than I, and truly understands inner loneliness, as her first marriage (she is a widow) was a lonely marriage. Which gives me hope, that second time might bring happiness for me also. Who knows?
Just read your other thread about your church gardening buddy, yesterday, and wondering, if you have washed your cheek yet? lol (only jesting)
Love, Leah
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Dear Leah
That was a heart breaking description . You never had anyone stroke your hair? I think of my GM. I would lay my head on her shoulder and cry.
She was so warm and loving.
I am heart broken to hear you talk that way, Leah.
Leah,Pray for God to send you a special man. I will,too.
Hops, I put you on the list, too, although the therapist seems good to me. Is that over or just a hiatus(lol)? Love Ami
((((((((Hops, Leah)))))))
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Aww, Leah.
Definitely, you deserve hair stroking and cheek patting and loving hugs too.
I'm sorry you've gone so long unheld.
I do think it's a need.
We can get along without it, and even be happy, but I think some part of us has to shut down.
Ami, I didn't hear from him (former T) this week, so I'm bemused. But maybe he thought our
Terrific Date was some kind of conclusion. He's a minimalist emailer and I don't feel like
calling him, so I'm not worrying about it. I've had so many relationships where I felt rocky
about whether a man reciprocated, and I hope to never set myself up that way again.
Poor man was frying his circuits over it anyway, so I've let it go in my mind. If he wants
a relationship, then I guess he'll have to help make it happen. And I think it sets up too
much internal conflict for him, because of professional issues. That might be a good thing.
The "youngun" (45) is someone who makes me laugh, and we're sharing a garden adventure.
He's smart, sweet and tells great stories. Enough of an eccentric and rebel to make him interesting.
No serious fantasies, but it's just fun to be with him. And I was touched by the cheek kiss.
He could become a lover, a husband, or a roommate in a shared home if I ever do that.
Or just be a long-term friend. I enjoy knowing him. And I like that he's a nurse!
Having fun, but no expectations,
Hops
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My guess, Hops, is he will call you this week. Let me know. Hugs Ami
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Hope the "informal meeting" with your bro et al goes well for you. Maybe a lack of fireworks and an abundance of reasoned discussion would be nice, eh? I will wish that for you.
What's a 3D VSMB, if you don't mind my asking? What's a covenant group??
towrite/Kate
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Hiya Hops,
I was one of the people who advised against seeing him but so what. As you will be aware it was from a place of concern for you and your precious heart. I guess I also know how easily I can get attached to someone and the consequences of that for me have been pretty horrible. But, you are keeping your head and that is the important thing. I have no doubt whatever the outcome there will be a lesson in this engagement with your T.
Its strange but for the first time in my life I am alone and Happy with it. It really is such a shock to me. I think it has to do with going back to school which takes up so much of my time and I find it so interesting. I go to the movies alone, one of my favourite things, and it never bothers me. I think a level of self care is putting things in place for yourself so that you are connected with the world in a stimulating way. This has been my experience.
With XN I gave up on everything, except him, this has been a huge lesson to me. If I met a guy I know that I don't have time to throw myself full time into a relationship and I like that feeling. I have a life again and it feels so satisfying...........not sure why I am rambling on about this but I'll keep going.
Leah,
It is sad to read about your XH and the lack of softness and touch. Being held is a lovely feeling. XN was a big cuddler and to be honest the thought of someones arms around me freaks me a bit. I associate it with waiting for the punishment after the gift of the hugs.
Good to talk to you both,
axa
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Axa, so good to hear from you, and thank you. Knowing people care what's going on in one's life makes such a difference. In fact I haven't heard from him in a while so I am thinking he may have hit the Pause button. But I feel no trauma over that. I am okay in the present.
I've also been enjoying a bond with the younger man who gardens in my yard with me. He's smart, funny, a rebel. It doesn't have to be Grand Romance, it's just nice to have male interest in my life. As to the holding now being associated with impending punishment...oy. I know.
I saw my last bf, a huge N, on TV the other night. He was giving a presentation before City Council. Whereas before I found his face attractive, and his cold eyes beautiful, now he looks lizard-like. Funny how that works...
I am thrilled to hear about your health and wholeness. Me, too, movies alone have always been a pleasure. I shall indulge again, thanks for reminding me!
I've lately realized I simply must get the TV out of my bedroom and turn back to old bedtime habits of reading. I will get a neighbor boy to help, perhaps this weekend.
love,
Hops
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Hi Hops,
Great to hear you are well. Gardener boy..........mmmmmh now why did the name Mellors jump into my head........oh what a bad little mind I have! Male company is nice, I have met a few nice men through university and that has been fun but NO ROMANCE THERE. I am exercising a lot these days and while I hate the thought of it I feel so good once I get stuck in. On wed evenings I go walking with a friend around the city streets, it is lovely walking in nice neighbourhoods, admiring the architecture and gardens, having a fantasy about the houses we would like to live in. There are so many interesting lectures going on around the city, free to students, I find my mind is on overdrive and I like that feeling......it has improved my suduko (do you have that in the States) skills no end. There is a great Art House Movie theatre attached to the university and I love hanging out there. My dear friend from the States has left and that was something we used to do together but it is still good doing in alone. I am looking forward to the summer, planning picnics in the park, walks on the hills, etc. There are a number of festivals going on throughout the summer and that is something to look forward to. Next week is the start of an international street theatre festival so that should be fun. Boy, I just feel happy Hops.........sending some of it your way.
hugs,
axa
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Yup yup yup... Suduko's here in the States too: )
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Hi Lighter,
XN told me I would not be able to do suduko as I am not good at math.......... struck me the other day, suduko has nothing to do with math, its about patterns.....oh my goodness Mr Omnipotent got it wrong and I CAN do suduko...........slowly LOL
xxx
axa
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Heh.... that's not the only thing Mr. Omnipotent was wrong about; )
::picturing you greeting him, mute, at your back door::
Bet he's still scratching his head over that one.
That was the post that told me how strong you are.
Light
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Me too.
I saw it at that moment too, Axa!
Your silence then was the opposite of voicelessness.
And you REALLY make me want to save up for a plane ticket!
xxoo
Hops
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::Sending you strength and patience for the meeting ahead::
Let us know how the meeting with your brother goes, Hops.
Lighter
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Off to the meeting in a few...please send concentrated VESMB vibes for strength and a GOOD outcome at 9:00 AM EST!
thanks thanks,
Hops
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It's 9am....
::picturing Hops calmly seating herself::
yup yup yup....
::sending her thoughts of fellowship..... to see the truth more clearly, and respond with grace.... with self care::
A prayer for Hops then off to the shower with me.
Lighter
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(((((((((((Hops)))))))))))))))))) Love Ami
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Thanks Lighter, Ami, Amber, everybody--
Guess what? My brother didn't come! He said it was a crisis with my neice (possible but could also have been an excuse). Either way, it mitigates his vigor in pursuing a suit, I think.
His lawyer came and was very reasonable. Between his and mine, I think they're on the same page about hopefully making all this go away without court involvement. Sounds good to me! I just need to finish up my Medicaid application with my lawyer, and we'll give copies to them.
As expected, my brother tried to have me allowing "relatives" to stay in the house when they visit. That would be his kids, whom he'd be using like chess pieces, so I said at some point, the kids, sure, but I'm not comfortable around my brother now. I think I need to even retract that for now. I just want them to leave me alone.
I'll always care about the kids, but I don't need to host them right now either. And if my brother needs a place to stay, he can ask one of the neighbors he was whispering to. Grrr.
I feel as though one anvil is off a shoulder and the other anvil is teetering and may fall soon.
(Just need to keep an eye on my toes, and remember with an N, it's never over until it's over.)
Feeling MUCH better, and thanks for all the caring and support and good thoughts, everyone.
love muchly,
Hops
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Hope you are okay, and everything went well, for you Hops
Love, Leah
Edit in: we posted at the same time!
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Glad to hear there was no fretful drama..... tears and impossible terms set.
Curiouse..... what page are the attorney's on?
Lighter
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HOps,
What a messer...........not turning up hopefully you can get everything up to date, change the locks and go NC with him. If he wants to see your Mom nobody is stopping him going to visit. I have no doubt that in your town there are hotels? Keep the boundaries up Hops, you have had enough pain in your life.....TAKE GOOD CARE OF YOU.
Monster hugs,
axa
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As Axa said....
boundaries up.
::nod::
Lighter
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Boundaries up, moat filled with gators...
(Dunno what page specifically, Lighter...just that I got the vibe that neither of them were taking my brother's drama too seriously...and my lawyer said it went really well and gave me a hug.)
Locks are changed and I've specified that I am NOT ready for company.
xo
Hops
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Hurray Hops
It's sounding GRa-a-a-a-a-a-a-te---also spelled Great!
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So glad the locks are changed!
You didn't want to upset your brother by doing that, last I heard.
::sigh:: I sure hope this blows over quickly for you, Hops.
I don't get the feeling it's going to but.....
::crossing fingers, toes and eyes::
Lighter