Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Overcomer on April 26, 2008, 10:17:02 AM
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My mom and I play a game. I really do not want to play the game so I am not going to make a counter move. I blow up and tell her I am leaving the business-THEN she backs off until I am lulled into a state of equilibriam then when all is well she comes back in and jerks me around. Plus then I try to find allies and people who will validate me. She does the same. She ran to the counselor and he have her a label for me which takes the responsibility off her. Some of those dances happen here!
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Not with me, Kelly
I have only just stood up for myself, and explained what has happened to me, as a person. Clearly, harassment, and stalking - with gaslighting and projection. It is now all too obvious and quite clear.
Of which, I do not deserve to be treated in such a way - no one does.
I don't do dances and games.
With regard to my mother and business - I walked away from it - years ago. Even then, I would not enter into any nonsense with her, in her games.
As I have shared, it was the best thing I ever did.
I created my very own career and enjoyed it immensely.
Once again, I highly recommend, as I mentioned last year, that you walk away, even if it means going away empty handed.
Money cannot buy inner peace, health, and well being.
I know the difference, believe me, I have been there, and walked away from it all.
Love, Leah
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I agree, Kelly... sometimes a dance and other times a duel!
The thing with NPD is... whenever you try to set a boundary, she'll continually push up against it in small ways... and I think that's because she's just biding her time, waiting for your next blow-up, and hoping that then she can make you out to look like the nutty one.
I feel that if we can just step aside, pulling ourselves out of her whirlwind, it will soon become very obvious to all observers that she's the one dancing - alone - surrounded by her own personal smokescreen of defensiveness and lies.
Doesn't mean we have to be wallflowers... just keep dancing to our own music and let her whirl away, out of sight.
Carolyn
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So true and I hope to be in your shoes VERY soon LEAH. And Carolyn you get it too. What I meant by the dance happening here is I have seen some clashes happening over the years and almost always there are some alliance gathering in PM Land. I also see people snapping at each other and then up pops a thread about projection or envy or whatever the trigger is at that time. Not just the dynamic that we are seeing on the board right now-two distinct clashes-but it happens quite a bit.
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Yes, I get it, Kelly, and I can see that there are some who'll grow through strife (both here on the board and in 3-D life)
and others who will only dig their heels more firmly into their mold of perfection and deny any culpability whatsoever.
Those who are maturing and thereby healing are willing to look inward and see the truth behind the mask. The sort of white-as-snow purity and innocence which is claimed by some does not exist in any mortal human being. Acknowledging that truth is what helps me to overcome my own anger and step forward, because I know beyond any shadow of a doubt that it's only by pride that contention comes.
Carolyn
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YOU will get there Kelly.
Yes, Up popped a thread on Projection Machine and Ambient Abuse - that's what Betelgeuse noticed too.
As for my Envy thread, that was created in November2007 - and is still ongoing, regarding my mother, and my sister.
But, I keep my writings to myself on a Word.doc on my computer - along with an Excel spreadsheet for timeline.
That's the way I work and process.
As for Gaslighting - that was brought about by TT's gaslighting book thread (Of which, I have purchased Gjazz's recommended book) and as a result, I found yesterday, some superb information on the subject - which I posted - and it has helped enormously, regarding healing of a puzzle regarding my exh and my sister.
So, as in Romans 8:28 - it is good - and I am delighted with the enlightment, and answer to the puzzle.
Leah x
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Have just found and am reading "Trapped in the Mirror". I know it's an old book and I am a little slow getting on to resources like this. But I found a passage which seems to describe exactly what you, Kelly, are going thru with your NM and the business and the dances. The passage was about the N's needing to project onto their children their own negative characteristics b/c it relieves them of the dread that they are not perfect. It also explains my NM's badmouthing me in the community - which someone here explained as the N's "Smear Campaign". (I think it was either Izzy or Iphi.) It sounds like your NM is also trying to smear you, trying to ruin your credibility so that hers stays intact. The N cannot allow the child (even as an adult) to become autonomous and you seem to be "straying" in that direction. It's so hard to sit back and allow the NM to scorch your character, but fighting it only makes you look bad. Sigh.
I have decided I'm not going to my NM's funeral when she dies. I simply would not be able to tolerate all those people who revere her telling me what a wonderful person she was.
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Gosh, Kate
Your words have spoken volumes of truth into my heart, regarding my mother.
I read "Trapped in the Mirror" by Golomb, if that is the same one, but, I don't remember one word from it! It was in the early days of reading, and misty fog prevented input, most often.
I think I ought to read it again.
What you have shared about the funeral has 'bounced' off the screen at me, simply because, I have had thoughts of just that situation, for a while, of how that would be, on the day.
Love to you,
Leah
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Thanks, Leah, for hearing me. The book is the same one - Golomb. I can't believe I never knew about it before. It fascinates me. And triggers me at the same time.
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Sometimes, Kate
Its almost as though a book is for a certain time, the right timing, as I have had books and had to put them to one side, as I could not read through and connect - or understand.
Then awhile later, picked up that same book, and voila, connection and understanding as I read through, and would find that I could not put the book down!
Love, Leah
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I ordered that book and a Wizard of Oz book (I cannot remember the exact title but it was something like Wizard of Oz and other Narcissists....) I liked that one better than the trapped one because it was harder for me to get through the Golumb one.
Anyway, I try to smear my mom's credibility (although I do not think I try to come up with something to smear her with - I think I speak the TRUTH and maybe a little too loudly!!) But because over the last six years I have blown up at my mother (yelled, screamed, slammed doors, etc) she has got to figure out a reason for my seemingly sudden loss of control. The answer is I did lose control - HER control - and every time she tried to trap me again in her web of control and manipulation and I realized it (and probably if I was PMSing) and blew my stack. Therefore she cannot understand where all this is coming from.
Even though I have endured this prison I am in for 14 years, without it I would still be totally controlled by her. So in a way this has been a blessing because it has allowed me to break free. Now I am in the final steps of getting out. I just now sent off another resume. I am hoping to hear from the guy I interviewed with on Wednesday although I am a bit nervous now since I have not heard from him and I would think he would have selected his two top candidates by now. But even if I do not get that job I will keep shooting out resumes until I find something. Plus my home based business is positioned to explode as the Double Diamond Director is coming on Monday to train my team and tell others about the company and how it is exploding all over the US.....
So anyway. I refuse to dance anymore. No more she makes a move, I make a move. I am going to tell her. I did not threaten to leave so you would back off. You should come back and try to run this place because my decision has been made!
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Good for you, Kelly. I hope what you want comes through for you.
Yes, Leah, I know what you mean - the right book at the right time.
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My dad and I were talking and he told me he told my mom to let me go this time. I think that is good but I also think my mom is delusional if she really thinks she can do it this time. She cannot. She will sell the place before she would let me run it without her and that is precisely the reason I resent her so. But boy I am realizing that being in your late 40s puts you in a place where you are no longer marketable.
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But boy I am realizing that being in your late 40s puts you in a place where you are no longer marketable.
I surely do know what you mean there, Kelly!
In my view, this is a good time to get beyond the old rut of being defined by what I do... because if I took my identity from that, rated my level of success by how much income I could pull in, I'd be down in the dumps for sure!
Love to you,
Carolyn
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I have always considered myself really good at what I do. I spent 10 years in the restaurant business, 3 in sales and 14 in retail and now suddenly they want someone younger and less experienced? Maybe I just am type cast as one who could not learn the computer or has slowed down (which I have.) But the computer? I am great-smart! But what really hurt is when I went in for the waitress job and I know they laughed at me when I left! Got to find the perfect job-but WHAT?
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Kelly,
If they really did laugh at you when you left, then that's only a sign of empty-headedness on their part, as far as I'm concerned.
Maybe your next job doesn't have to be the "perfect" job. How about an "interim" job? A "breaking out of prison" job? A "transitioning from my old life into my new life" job. See... if it's just a job, then it doesn't carry along with it all the weight of your past.
If you will make up your mind to allow it to be "just a job", then you'll be free, I think.
But if you are determined that it must be the ideal, perfect job (to impress your mom or whatever), then you've saddled yourself with a huge burden.
Hope that makes sense.
Love,
Carolyn
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Who ever they is who wants someone younger and less experienced is not the right one for you! You are looking for work in all the wrong places. You need to look for the people and organization that will appreciate you, your experience and your skills. Maybe you can look for the right people who deserve you rather than a place that will accept you. Go with an attitude that you are looking them over to see if they merit an employee like you rather than trying to sell them on you. They'll wonder what you've got and start begging for you.
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Who ever they is who wants someone younger and less experienced is not the right one for you! You are looking for work in all the wrong places. You need to look for the people and organization that will appreciate you, your experience and your skills. Maybe you can look for the right people who deserve you rather than a place that will accept you. Go with an attitude that you are looking them over to see if they merit an employee like you rather than trying to sell them on you. They'll wonder what you've got and start begging for you.
Pure solid gold wisdom.
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GS
You have a gift with words. I agree with Gs and Leah, Kelly! Love Ami
((((((Kelly)))))))))
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Ah thanks all! I love the get out of prison job. Something to get me out while I keep looking! My new business will take off since no one is doing it in Iowa-so any job I take could be an interim thing till that takes off! And GS You said it-do I want THEM? I Applied at some places that want you to work 55 hours per week and that seems like prison too! I am feeling a bit better-thanks!
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Yes and not allowing them to railroad you into old patterns. I am sick of having her project all her stuff and all blame on me. I choose to walk away from the "dance." No more hoping and praying that mom will see the error in her ways. The only way she will learn is to have to do it on her own without all of us to prop her up. She will lose key people and have no where to turn. And definitely not my aunt. That is the blind leading the blind. But maybe it will be better without me.
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Kelly,
It'll be different without you, that's for sure...
but I think it'll be so much easier all the way around if you determine to detach from the consequences and kinda cut yourself off from info as to how the business is doing once you are separated from it...
Kinda like when our kids grow up and strike out on their own and we're no longer in the loop. I often feel like I'm better off not knowing some of the stuff my grown girls are doing, and that way I'm not so tempted to kibbutz (or butt in!) where I don't belong.
Maybe this isn't going to be a temptation for you, but I can imagine it'd be very tempting to me to almost wish that she'd fall flat on her face without my involvement... and that's something that I'd really have to pray about, to prevent getting a whole new bitter root springing up. Focusing on your own positive steps forward is the best way to keep off her crooked path, I think.
Wishing you the very best!
Carolyn
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If I can find a job and be distracted by a new life I will not bother-it will bother me if I have made up my mind to go and cannot find a job. Pray that the very best job comes my way!
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You are in my thoughts and prayers,Kelly. Love Ami
((((((Kelly))))))))