Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Gabben on May 13, 2008, 08:12:20 PM
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Since the board seems to be on a roll these days with triumphs: Amber's Eureka, GS is strong, Seasons Daughter is Valedictorian, Liliycat's discovery of her entitlement to her feelings...etc., to ad to the list I have recently decided to give up anger and hatred, permanently!!
I bet the board is happy now :D :D :D.
My break through has been in the making for a longtime as I have been weeding out my old layers of hurt under the victim anger from my childhood, I have grown to find a tender heart, a more meek heart and a stronger heart that I feel confident will be able to not allow others negativity towards me in. I have imagined the worse possible insults and how I would feel, or choose to react and for now all I can say is that I am too tired to fight, too tired to hate, yet too passionate to be indifferent, so I guess that just leaves me at peace...I can't even find a shred of negativity towards Nfakesaint -- that is a miracle!
Hugs everyone!
Lise
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GFY Gabben
I am so pleased to hear that!!! Really!!!
I had let go of resentments and anger long before I recognized it! I don't know if you were following at the time about my daughter and me.
The N she married was so cruel to her and to me and we were not aware of Ns, that he split us apart, then I found my own N, so we were having a hard time communicating---admitting our truths to one another etc. our failings blah blah!
Parallel lives!!!! Can you imagine?
We are now 2000 miles apart. Today is her 44th birthday, 15 days after my 69th, but it was a year ago we went through the very painful exchange of emails about the truth, the real truth. The emails finally reached a point whereby we had to stop, as we would have gone over it all again---we had said our piece and now that is behind us...............
and..............
.......for Mother's Day she didn't send a gift, but sent a long chatty email about her and the 2 children with her, the 3rd being with the N father, and all their love....................
I don't need gifts now. I'm sellings things off.
Her mail and their love was great==good for me, then I replied and send a card I drew in Paintbrush for her Birthday today....
Somewhere in there I realized I was calm and content.
It's such a wonderful feeling to put all that behind us!
And I hope you are feeling the same kind of calm and contentedness as I.
Love
Izzy
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You are a beautiful, brave person (((((((Lise)))))))))) No one should have had the challenges(NM) you had. You are gracious and giving. If you see s/one hurting,you are the first person there, trying to comfort. You give joy and warmth to others. I wish ALL that you give to others to come back to you a hundred fold. I am glad that some of it is.
Love Ami
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Happy for Lise, really & truly!
So glad you've discovered the magic that replaces those old yucky feelings, too.
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Letting go of hate was a major advancement on my road to recovery, long before I knew what all I was going to have to face within myself. (What a long road I'm on- phew!)
At times hate would take over my thoughts for days. I couldn't get the person out of my head, and how they wronged me. Someone had told me to pray for the person - that it really works, and would get them out of my head. Finally desperate enough I tried it.
How do I pray for someone I hate? That was the big question, it would be hypecritical. Don't laugh, but hear my prayer:
"Dear Lord bless "So&so", just bless them and take care of them, and get them out of my head. Now Lord, you know I don't mean a single word I'm saying about blessing them, but ignore how I really feel and just do it anyway and please, please get them out of my head. Amen"
When I first tried this I did it like maybe 10-15 times (only when I thought of them) in a day, then less and less as a few days went by, then suddenly I realized I hadn't thought of them in weeks. And when I would think of them and what they did, the engulfing hate wasn't there anymore. What they did was still wrong and hurt me deeply, but I could shrug my shoulders so to speak. The hate that was killing me was gone. I was released.
I grew to hate my kids father more after my divorce then before. I did not think that I would ever live to see him suffer. But ya know he remarried nearly 20 years ago. As it turns out his wife is a controlling B**tch from he!!. Maybe he has been "blessed" with this woman. :)`
I'm so happy for you that you decided to let it go, things can only get better for you. Hate is a poison that consumes us, and we can feel so much better if we wash it out of our system. Sometimes it just takes some extra scrubbing.
Blessings on your journey to self :)
lostkitten
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Since the board seems to be on a roll these days with triumphs: Amber's Eureka, GS is strong, Seasons Daughter is Valedictorian, Liliycat's discovery of her entitlement to her feelings...etc., to ad to the list I have recently decided to give up anger and hatred, permanently!!
I bet the board is happy now :D :D :D.
My break through has been in the making for a longtime as I have been weeding out my old layers of hurt under the victim anger from my childhood, I have grown to find a tender heart, a more meek heart and a stronger heart that I feel confident will be able to not allow others negativity towards me in. I have imagined the worse possible insults and how I would feel, or choose to react and for now all I can say is that I am too tired to fight, too tired to hate, yet too passionate to be indifferent, so I guess that just leaves me at peace...I can't even find a shred of negativity towards Nfakesaint -- that is a miracle!
Hugs everyone!
Lise
Letting go of my anger and hatred was the hardest thing to accomplish but the best thing I ever did. I hope it works as good for you as it did for me. Its nice to be free of it.
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We are now 2000 miles apart. Today is her 44th birthday, 15 days after my 69th, but it was a year ago we went through the very painful exchange of emails about the truth, the real truth. The emails finally reached a point whereby we had to stop, as we would have gone over it all again---we had said our piece and now that is behind us...............
Thank you Izzy!
This is the truth...I have said all that there is to say about Nfakesaint, it took about 8 months but the processing was not all about Nfakesaint it was about deeper memories in which nfakesaint was the object used by God to help me heal. Now...is that not interesting, that while the N's of the world are using us as objects God is using them as objects to work emotional healing from our past so that we can be more free and healed which only produces more joy and happiness in us.
There is nothing else for me to say about Nfakesaint. I have said it all and resaid it all so anymore rehashing is only a form of hatred on my part, chewing on it, which as lostkitten said well, is only hurting me. The story of Nfakesaint has to be put to rest. Even if she hits again, I can cope, I know what to expect, I can take it in, or not take it in...having that choice is liberating.
Now what I must work on is how I can love her. That seems a bit of a stretch but there has to be something in my heart to replace the hatred and anger...so I figure why not love, it would never hurt her and it would never hurt me. It does not mean that I have to forget who she is, or allow her into my sphere, but I can feel compassion as well as continue to bless her. It is going to take a lot of prayer for me to stir love in my heart, but I so much want to feel love more than anger.
Lise
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How do I pray for someone I hate? That was the big question, it would be hypecritical. Don't laugh, but hear my prayer:
"Dear Lord bless "So&so", just bless them and take care of them, and get them out of my head. Now Lord, you know I don't mean a single word I'm saying about blessing them, but ignore how I really feel and just do it anyway and please, please get them out of my head. Amen"
Lostkitten,
This brought such a smile to my face. It is rare to hear others pray like this. If you only knew the how many times I have prayed through clenched teeth..."Lord...give her all it...give her everything she wants that I have....bless her.........and help me to mean it!"
Even if we don't mean it eventually the power of prayer will take hold and one day we will look into our hearts and there will be peace...yep!
Thank you! ((((((((Lostkitten))))))))
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Thank you Ami and Darren!
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"Dear Lord bless "So&so", just bless them and take care of them, and get them out of my head. Now Lord, you know I don't mean a single word I'm saying about blessing them, but ignore how I really feel and just do it anyway and please, please get them out of my head. Amen"
:D Simply perfect, Lost Kitten! This method is what breaks through that old vicious cycle of rehashing and reinforcing the bitterness. When I finally tried it myself and discovered how effective this can be, it was just the same... kinda like, "Dear Lord, I feel guilty because I'm not doing this out of love for the person, but because it really makes me feel better! Surely this is not what You had in mind!!?!" Then it was as though God smiled and asked me, in response, "Does it really surprise you so much that I would want you to feel better?"
He sure is amazing!
And your post here has been a great inspiration to me this evening... so thank you!
Dear Lise, thank you so for sharing your tremendous growth here. I just feel so very blessed to read this... especially because the same sort of old trash keeps trying to recirculate through my system, and sometimes it's very difficult to not feel shamed by it. But it's getting easier to dismiss that shame and not whoop up on myself for still having negative thought patterns. Main thing is, I think, that I'm battling against them, and not giving in... thanks to the example set by you and a couple others I know who've made the decision of will to say "No!" to bitter ruts.
It is going to take a lot of prayer for me to stir love in my heart, but I so much want to feel love more than anger.
Me, too. Definitely. Takes the Bread of Life to feed that desire... and a hefty dose of self-discipline... but I'm with you!
So glad I checked in tonight to read a bit. I hope you have a great rest of the week, Lise... swamped with activities here - end-of-school-year stuff - but it's all good. Will be thinking of you.
With love and hugs,
Carolyn
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Kitten,
I loved your prayer.
That voice helps me understand people who have God as a friend in their lives.
Just a really reliable, utterly trustworthy all-protective friend.
Kind of like Paul Bunyan.
Me, I'm more interested in Babe the Blue Ox but I've noticed Paul too.
hugs
Hops
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If you only knew the how many times I have prayed through clenched teeth..."Lord...give her all it...give her everything she wants that I have....bless her.........and help me to mean it!"
Even if we don't mean it eventually the power of prayer will take hold and one day we will look into our hearts and there will be peace...yep!
((Lise)),
I can pray with clenched teeth? Of course i can, thank you for reminding me I can and need to pray even with a heart that is confused and bitter, wanting with Gods grace a pure heart.
My break through has been in the making for a longtime as I have been weeding out my old layers of hurt under the victim anger from my childhood, I have grown to find a tender heart, a more meek heart and a stronger heart that I feel confident will be able to not allow others negativity towards me in. I have imagined the worse possible insults and how I would feel, or choose to react and for now all I can say is that I am too tired to fight, too tired to hate, yet too passionate to be indifferent, so I guess that just leaves me at peace...I can't even find a shred of negativity towards Nfakesaint -- that is a miracle!
Hugs everyone!
Lise
I could feel your release of anger, it is a beautiful miracle. ((Lise, living in peace)) love seasons
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Dear Lise
When I was hurting about my M ,on that other thread about sexual abuse, you were the first(I think) to come. That is what I mean. Thanks Lise for the many times you did that. Love Ami
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Thank you ((Seasons))...thank you ((Carolyn)).....thank you ((Ami)).
Everyday is getting better....this is the best I have felt all year long and the thing that makes it wonderful is that I feel like a new person. I can actually see that I am not the person that I was last year, I am not the person I was last month...transformation!!!!
I once heard that a butterfly must struggle and fight to break out of its coocon; the reason for this is that the struggle strengthens the butterflies wings, if the butterfly does not struggle, then their wings would not have the strength to fly......
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(((((((((((Lise)))))))))) you're welcome.
After being away for a bit, I'm wondering how you're doing now? I've been thinking of you!
There have been so many opportunities lately to choose...
choose to stoke the fires of bitterness and anger- - or choose to release it.
Certainly, I could not meet the challenge without faith in Christ in me. I just couldn't.
When all is said and done, there is some guilt over feeling so worn and exhausted... as though I should be able to simply sail on through?!? Kinda tough when your sail is tattered and torn... :o lol. Still kickin, though. And I hope that you are, too... you and your lovely wings. Check in when you can, okay?
Hugs with love,
Carolyn
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Hi Carolyn,
I loved your post, it was so much of what I needed to hear today, thank you. Giving up hatred and anger does not mean that I am not hurting anymore. It just means that I am not hurting myself anymore or as much. Now, I am trying to embrace the wounds, the aching bitterness of what it was like to be a baby, or a child, and to be left emotionally uncared for and despised by my caregiver, my mom.
I awoke this morning, noting my thoughts which were very much on my heart and the deep well of pain there. Although I can get up and move through life as if everything is OK, my heart aches, but through this I am healing, I can feel it.
This weekend I went to confession, confessing the ways in which I hurt myself, self-defeating or self-punishing behaviors, for anything done to ourselves is done to the body of Christ; we are supposed to respect ourselves and my lack of, or the last traces of it, are rooted in my early years when my mother despised me leading me to despise me.
I can feel God's grace working in me, it is hard to describe, hard to define the ways in which He works in my soul, but I know He is there; like a surgeon, cutting away at the flesh with His is scalpel and removing the unwanted growth of bitterness. The anesthesia that God provides is hope.
Lise