Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Lupita on May 25, 2008, 07:08:16 PM
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I decided to start the self hate thread. Hope we can help each other here. You have no idea how much I need friends now.
Love to you all.
This looked interesting.
getting to know my self-hatred – a moving inner conversation
by Barbara Rogers
Introduction
I wrote this therapy when I struggled, for months, with a severe depression, marked by anxiety and sleeplessness. These well known symptoms had erupted for different reasons and were not silenced by drugs. I had invested my money into the stock market, which had begun to slide. That triggered terrible survival fears and a long, harsh struggle inside if and how I should get out of the market. I also had left, after only three months, a Dance Movement Therapy graduate program. I was shocked by the inhumanity of the judgmental view of the suffering client that was taught there.
Then I visited my children for five days in Germany, over Christmas. After 14 years of silence, without contact and without having seen each other, my mother and I had only recently exchanged some letters. So I asked her if she could come and see me during those days as she was visiting my sister who lived not far from where I was staying. My mother refused to come. After that trip, my symptoms grew worse and my work in therapy became very, very hard. During that time, I wrote the scream: the mountain. Today, I see this dramatic life crisis as my final breaking away from my mother as I had to realize that she did not love me, and never had.
Therapy Writing
At first, a voice inside, which I call a part, accuses and scolds me with unbearable vehemence. At the same time, I feel so wrong and worthless that I am also flooded and overwhelmed by feelings that I want to die, that make me feel it would be better if I was dead. Finally I talk directly with this “voice,” or part of me, that so hates me, and ask it: “Who are you?”
PART: I am your mother’s voice inside of you. I believe what she believes, and I think what she thinks. She hates and despises you. She thinks that you are a sick, disturbed, confused, crazy madwoman. So I have to make sure that you BECOME exactly this; that you get into this state. THEN SHE IS content. And then I feel good because I fulfill my task and my mission.I,
BARBARA: What is your task?
PART: To destroy you. To destroy your life. I do not want you to be happy and that your life goes well. I do not want that you are loved, that you are publicized, that you have a voice. I HATE you. I would be glad and delighted if you must enter an insane asylum, because that would make her happy. Then she would be proud of me. My task and work is to destroy you, to push you into abysses where you only accuse yourself and question yourself, your mind, and sanity.
I, BARBARA: Why did she give you this task?
PART: Because she hated you. She could not stand and envied who your were and how you were. She could NOT bear your charm, your sweetness, your joy, your aliveness, your clarity. She could not stand ANYTHING that is so wonderfully and full of joy of life radiating from you. She HATED you and wanted to destroy you. Wanted you dead. Break you. Everything she said to you was full of poison and evilness. Everything was malicious, calculating, and insidious. I HAVE to hate you, because that is what she wanted. She could not tolerate you. I live inside of you to help her, to carry out her instructions.
I, BARBARA: How did this happen? How did this come about? And who are you in reality?
PART: Oh, I have listened to her WELL. And I felt good when she judged and condemned you. I am your hatred of yourself, which was born and nourished by her and which grew bigger and bigger with every one of her malicious words. And now I am so huge and overpowering because I have such tremendous failures on your part as my food: You lost way too much money in the stock market; you left the training to become a Dance Movement therapist that you had started. Now I can FINALLY hit you and drive you mad, can torture you with self-doubt, self-accusations, self-hatred, and judgmental condemnations so terribly that you have no clue what to do anymore and go crazy. Maybe even kill yourself. Then she would have the final PROOF that SHE IS GOOD and that YOU ARE BAD and sick and crazy. That always something was wrong with you. That she is perfect and a good human being—and that you ALWAYS were ill and disturbed. That you are and always were really crazy and on the totally wrong way, with your idiotic therapy.
I must make sure that she is right—that you go down. The she could be triumphant. That her worst enemy would forever be banned from her life. Everyone would pity her because she had such a crazy, sick daughter who HAD to come to a terrible end. I am here to make sure that SHE WINS and NOT YOU! Under no circumstances does she want you free, healthy, alive, writing, living. I am her ally inside of you! I must and will make sure that she wins this fight.
I, BARBARA: Why is this so important to you? Why do you want her to win and triumph?
PART: Because I feel sorry for her. She is such an insecure, weak, and poor person. I have pity with her. I can see how strong and alive you are. She never could match you. I feel so sorry for her.
I, BARBARA: Are you the part inside of me who loves my mother?
PART: There was no love between your mother and you. Your mother cannot love. I am the part who wanted to have and keep an emotional connection with her. She WANTED your PITY: And out of the pity, I could feel her hatred for you and her wish to triumph over you, to destroy you. If she could not control you and your thoughts, feelings, and actions—then at least she wanted to destroy you.
I, BARBARA: I am sorry that you could only have an emotional connection with her in this way. I BELIEVE you and I KNOW that what you tell me IS TRUE. I have known this DEEP INSIDE, FOR A LONG TIME—actually, I knew it from the very beginning. Do you want to continue to live like that, or can you leave her task, her emotional energy and connection behind you, and come along with me?
PART: Yes, I would LOVE to do that because really, I LOVE you. I wanted so much and have tried everything to have an emotional connection with your mother. THIS was THE ONLY ONE possible, the only one that she allowed and granted me. I so much wanted to be loved by your mother and to love her. But she did not permit that, did not want that. It was impossible with her. The only connection I could have with her, which was possible, was THIS ONE. TO HATE YOU, TOGETHER WITH HER, OUT OF PITY for HER. So that she did not have to suffer from you.
I, BARBARA: [b]How sad; what a pity that she experienced and saw you, and me, in this way. That she never could take joy in me. But I think to go crazy is no way out. Someone, God, has wanted my life and also I want MY LIFE. I don’t want to and will not sacrifice my life so that she will win and triumph. I am about to completely liberate myself from her. Will you come with me? Can you come with me?[/b]
PART: I don’t know that. Somehow I have the feeling that I don’t belong to you, am not right for you. Basically, I just want to leave, to be delivered and never, ever in my life have to do this and play this role again.
I LOVE YOU, BARBARA. I SO MUCH WISH FOR YOU THAT YOU CAN LIVE! That you grow more and more amazingly and wonderfully; that you change, blossom, develop, grow; that you find your voice and may have and express it; and raise it.
I LOVE YOU—out of this love for you, I wanted an emotional, loving connection with your mother. But this was the only one possible. She saw you as a competitor and as an enemy, whom she desired to destroy and triumph over.
I, BARBARA
THANK YOU for you honesty. Thank you for this truth. Thank you for your love. I am so glad about it. I am moved and it brings tears to my eyes—that deep down, you love me and want good things for me. How about if we go into the healing light and see what happens?
PART: I also want that your therapists Dick and Gina get to know me and understand me. I am an enormously big and important part of you, and it is mainly I who is responsible for the terrible state you have been in during the past weeks. She does NOT want your liberation, your freedom, that you open your mouth and speak up. She gave you the silent treatment when you were in Germany for a good reason. She WANTED to SILENCE you. She DOES NOT WANT your voice to live. She wants to be victorious over you, to force you down, and silence you. She wants to be right and triumph over you.
I, BARBARA: I promise, I will take you to Dick and Gina. I will help you along more, together with them. So that you and I don’t have to suffer so terribly anymore. I love you and I thank you so much that you told me the truth. I always sensed the truth and somehow knew it, deep inside—but I fought and worked against it so desperately.
PART: She wanted that you would shine, that you performed the piano well. Although she showed, when you performed—which your father did not—she came because she wanted to feel good and affirmed as your mother. But she envied you your talents deeply. She hated you for your talents. She never wanted you to shine and be beautiful, to be the center of attention, to have this strong connection with your father.
She hated all this and wanted to destroy it.
This is also one reason why you are so terrified of performing in concerts: Her commandment was—you may not shine, radiate your beauty and talent. She hated you, Barbara, for your talents, for your benign inner beauty that you radiate so strongly. She wanted to be like you—but she could not. And so she hated you.
I, BARBARA: Thank you for your HONESTY. THANK YOU for the Truth. THANK YOU that you talked so truthfully and clearly.
In the Healing Light
I see inside of me the black devil mask of Gina’s studio, which is being carried by a tall part that is hitting me with the big stick, also from Gina’s office. And also attacks, abuses, and tortures me verbally. The healing light burns and absorbs the big stick from the part’s hand so that the beatings stop. And it surrounds this part so tightly that it cannot beat me anymore. I look at her black devil’s face and tell her how sorry I am that she has to wear this mask: The mask of hatred—which I never wanted to give room inside of me.
I hug her and tell her: “Now I KNOW about YOU, your history, your journey. Never again do you have to live like tat, to act like that, or to harm me. You are delivered and free and can begin to live and to love.”
She takes off her mask and says: „I LOVE YOU, BARBARA. THANK YOU FOR YOUR HELP. THANK YOU FOR THIS LIBERATION FROM THE DARK, BLACK JAIL!! I AM A PART OF YOUR LOVE FOR YOURSELF, which was CAUGHT in this TRAP. I NEVER wanted and do not want to hurt you. I wanted to build, to create, a BRIDGE for you to your mother. This was the only bridge, which she allowed, which was possible.“
We hug and hold each other. We are together like two good, old FRIENDS, LOVERS, who fall into each other’s arms. (I cry DEEPLY, for the second time during this healing light.)We go to the bench in Gina’s studio, where we sit down and, for a while, talk about her fate and my anguish. And one day—I can feel that and I know it—we will become one!! We will get together and be one!
After word
This is the only therapy, written at home, which I took into my session with both therapists during the six years I worked with them, where I read it for them, translating it from German into English.
© Barbara Rogers, May 2005
Screams from Childhood
http://www.screamsfromchildhood.com/self-hatred.html
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I will use this thread to help my slef and it would be great if somebody else is helped too. I feel so sad today that I need to do something to aliviate my pain.
Cant wait for your comments dear friends.
Creative Ways to Transform Challenges:
Loving and Nurturing Yourself
Alleviating Self-Hatred The Dalai Lama
Q: Can you discuss the problem of self-hatred, and the Buddhist means to alleviate it?
A: In fact, when I first heard the word "self-hatred" and was first exposed to the concept of self-hatred, I was quite surprised and taken aback. The reason why I found it quite unbelievable is that as practicing Buddhists, we are working very hard to overcome our self-centered attitude, and selfish thoughts and motives. So to think of the possibility of someone hating themselves, not cherishing oneself, was quite unbelievable. From the Buddhist point of view, self-hatred is very dangerous because even to be in a discouraged state of mind or depressed is seen as a kind of extreme. Because self-hatred is far more extreme than being in a depressed state, it is very, very dangerous.
So the antidote is seen in our natural Buddha-nature-the acceptance or belief that every sentient being, particularly a human being, has Buddha-nature. There is a potential to become a Buddha. In fact, Shantideva emphasizes this point a great deal in the Guide to the Bodhisattva's Way of Life, where he states that even such weak sentient beings as flies, bees, and insects possess Buddha-nature, and if they take the initiative and engage in the path, they have the capacity to become fully enlightened. If that is the case, then why not I, who am a human being and possess human intelligence and all the faculties, if I make the initiative, why can't I also become fully enlightened? So this point is emphasized. In his text called Sublime Continuum, Maitreya presents the Buddhist view on the doctrine of Buddha-nature. It states that no matter how poor or weak or deprived one's present situation may be, a sentient being never loses his or her Buddha-nature. The seed, the potential for perfection and full enlightenment, always remains.
For people who have the problem of self-hatred or self-loathing, for the time being it is advisable that they not think seriously about the suffering nature of existence or the underlying unsatisfactory nature of existence. Rather they should concentrate more on the positive aspects of existence, such as appreciating the potentials that lie within oneself as a human being, the opportunities that one's existence as a human being affords. In the traditional teaching, one speaks about all the qualities of a fully endowed human existence. By reflecting upon these opportunities and potentials, one will be able to increase one's sense of worth and confidence.
So what is important here is, again, a very skillful approach, an approach that is most suited and appropriate to one's own mental faculties, disposition, and interests. As an analogy, suppose one needs to get another person from one town to another quite far away, and suppose that person is not very courageous. If one tells him or her about the difficulties, then the person may feel totally discouraged and disheartened or lose hope and think, "Oh, I'll never get there." However, one can achieve the purpose through more skillful means, leading that person step by step, first by saying, "Oh, let us go to this town," and then once there, saying, "Oh, let's go to the other town." This is also analogous to our educational system. Although our aim may be to go to the university and get a higher education, we cannot start right from there. We have to begin at the primary level, where we start with the alphabet and so on. As one progresses, then one will go to the next stage, and the next, and so on. In this way, one will be able to reach the ultimate aim...
Excerpts from Healing Anger: The Power of Patience from a Buddhist Perspective, by The Dalai Lama. Copyright (c) 1997. Reprinted by permission of Snow Lion Publications, Ithaca, NY. For more information, go to www.snowlionpub.com.
I need you dear friends!!!!! :(
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Psychologist Dr. Robin Smith says Najee's negative self-image wasn't caused by teasing and name-calling…his mother's self-hatred is actually the root of the problem.
Without realizing it, Tangela allowed the wounds she suffered as a child affect the way she raised her son, Dr. Robin says. Instead, Tangela should have asked God to heal her of her own self-hatred instead of praying for a light-skinned child.
"You love your son. That I know. And he loves you, and I see that," Dr. Robin says. "But his biggest wounder, and lover, has been you. His biggest wounder has been you, because you prayed before he was even outside of your womb, 'God, change him.'"Dr. Robin cites the fact that when Tangela discusses her son's beauty, she mentions his teeth…not his skin tone. "What you didn't talk about is the beauty of that brown skin," she says. "And I wouldn't expect yet that you could do it because you don't know yourself, in this moment, that you're beautiful."
Although Tangela says her family never made her feel self-conscious about her dark skin, Dr. Robin says someone close to her must have caused the wounds that she carried into adulthood. "Only somebody who's close to you can cause that kind of injury," Oprah says.
Before Tangela can help her son, Dr. Robin says she has to help herself. "The work is to identify where your self-hatred really begins," she says. "You want to communicate something to him? You've got to communicate it to you. You want to educate him about his beauty? You've got to educate yourself."Asian standards of beauty »
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Sound absurd?
After years of trying to love myself and not being very successful, I set out to do something different. I thought, "since I'm already self-hating, I might as well follow where the energy is naturally going". One part of me thought that was preposterous and perhaps even dangerous. Yet, another part of me resonated with the truth of what was. Intrigued by this bizarre option, I experimented with allowing myself to hate myself. I had no idea what was to come, and come it did.
The title is not meant to imply "it's spiritual to self hate", it means that exploring self-hate can be part of the path to becoming spiritual. By diverting our attention away from self hating thoughts, we perpetuate self-hatred because we are hating the hateful thoughts!
This paper was originally written with a psychotherapeutic bend (replete with clinical references), but is also written in plain English and easily understood by lay people.
In this paper I talk about the sources of self-hatred and how self-hatred manifests in peoples lives in troublesome ways. Ways of working with self-hatred both on one's own and with alternative therapeutic modalities are proposed. My experience is that self-love is a natural outcome of exploring self-hatred, and that one of the ways to experience the Universal Creative Force is to fully immerse oneself into that which keeps one from God: one's own self-hatred.
A cautionary note: Consciously exploring your own self-hatred can elicit strong feelings and emotions; it is not for the weak of heart (we call it ego strength). As with any personal growth work, I recommend that you have a support network as a bare minimum and optimally, to be working with a psychotherapist, counselor or spiritual teacher whom you trust.
With Strength, Intention and Willingness on your Healing Journey!
Wally Phillips, M.A.
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Adapted from LovingKindness, by Sharon Salzberg (Shambhala, 1995). Come meet author Sharon Salzberg at her Lovingkindness Workshop at the Omega Institute October 9 - 14 (www.eomega.org).
Do you sometimes hate yourself, and feel unworthy? How do we get this way? Cultivating the mistaken concept of a permanent self leads to aversion in the form of self-hatred or judgment. When we see the self as a fixed entity, we develop a strong habit of mind that drives our lives, and that habit of mind takes center stage all the time. If through our practice we can see the impersonal nature of the forces that arise and pass away, we experience a very different reality. Aversion is like a rainstorm, arising and passing away. It is not I, not me, not mine. It is not you or yours, either.
Self-hatred impedes the flowering of our practice. Here is what the Dalai Lama has to say about it (and don’t worry, it won’t shame you into hating yourself more):
When somebody asked the Dalai Lama, at the Insight Meditation Society in 1979, “I am a beginning meditation student and I feel quite worthless as a person. What can you say about that?” The Dalai Lama replied, “You should never think like that; that is completely wrong thinking. You have the power of thought, and therefore the power of mind, and that is all you need.” He was recognizing that we all have the potential for enlightenment, and therefore we should not denigrate that capacity by saying we are worthless.
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Find Healing By Overcoming Self-hatred
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Overcoming Self-hatred
Step 1. The First Question
Are you being troubled by the issue of self-hatred?
Yes, I am troubled.
No, I am not troubled.
Overcoming Self-hatred
Step 2. Talk About How Self-hatred Impacts Your Life
Now we want you to type in the box below how self-hatred influences your life.
As you type into the box below, remember God can not only read what you type, but most importantly, He can also read what is in your heart. For your privacy, no one knows what you type except you and God. We do not read or receive any communication from your computer as a result of what you type. What you express in Healing Pages is only between you and God. As you type in your comments about the influence of self-hatred in your life, try to actually see, hear, imagine, believe, and feel God working. Take as much time as you want. Write as much as you want. God is reading, listening, caring, and working.
OK, I am ready to write.
To help you get started: If your self-hatred were to go on and on and get worse, describe how your self-hatred would influence your life. Describe how your self-hatred would make you act and feel if the issue would go on and on. Say everything you want to say about the influence of self-hatred upon your life now and how the influence of self-hatred can impact your life in the future if things stay the same as they are now or things get worse. Take as much time as you want. Write as much as you want about the influence of self-hatred upon your life.
Top of Form 1

Bottom of Form 1
OK, I am finished writing about my issue of self-hatred.
Overcoming Self-hatred
Step 3. Another Question
Has the issue or issues associated with self-hatred been bothering you enough that you would like, with God's help, to overcome the influence of self-hatred now?
Yes, I want, with God's help, to overcome the influences of self-hatred upon my life.
No, I do not want to overcome the influences of self-hatred upon my life.
Overcoming Self-hatred
Step 4. Your Willingness to Let Go of the Issue
We encourage you to overcome your self-hatred by letting go. We encourage you to surrender the influence of self-hatred upon you. We encourage you to surrender the influences up to God. We encourage you to release the grip of self-hatred upon you and let the power of your self-hatred be placed into the hands of God. We encourage you to let the impact and the influence of self-hatred float away into the hands of God. We encourage you to keep the influence of self-hatred upon your life away from you forever as God brings His healing power over you this minute. OK
Overcoming Self-hatred
Step 5. Your Ability To Let Go Of The Issue
You have decided you are really and truly willing to let go or surrender up to God the influence of self-hatred in your life. Now we ask you if you are able to let go and surrender at least a small portion of your burden associated with the influence of self-hatred in your life. Do you feel or do you believe you are now able to let go or surrender up to God at least a small amount of your burden associated with the influence of self-hatred in your life? If your answer is "Yes", click "Yes" below. If your answer is "No", click "No" below.
Yes, I am able to surrender at least a small portion of the burden I carry as a result of self-hatred.
No, I am not able to surrender at least a small portion of the burden I carry as a result of self-hatred.
Overcoming Self-hatred
Step 6. Deciding How Much You Want To Surrender Or Let Go
For our exercise we are going to give you 60 total units of burden associated with your having to live with the influence of self-hatred. Of the 60 total units of burden you are carrying right now as a result of self-hatred, how many of those 60 units do you really and truly feel are you willing to give up or surrender to God? In the next step, out of the 60 total units of burden you carry right now, type in the number of units you want to give up or surrender up to God. Now click OK to proceed. OK
Overcoming Self-hatred
Step 7. State How Much You Want To Surrender Or Let Go
Top of Form 1
At the present moment, you carry a burden of units out of a total of 60 units. Type in the number of units of your burden you will surrender out of the 60 total units you carry right now.
"I want to surrender, so I will give up >>> units of my burden."
Now click OK. OK
Bottom of Form 1
Overcoming Self-hatred
Step 8. Actually Let Go Of The Issue
Top of Form 1
You have decided to give up units of your burden and you still have units of your burden left to carry. Here is how your surrendered burden, and the burden you still carry looks on a graph.
Burden I've Decided
To Give Up.............................. Burden I Still Have
..........................................To Carry

Now Healing Pages invites you to actually let go or surrender up to God units of the influence of self-hatred upon your life. We invite you to actually let go or surrender right now.
OK, I surrender up my burden now. Click OK
Bottom of Form 1
Overcoming Self-hatred
Step 9. Give Yourself Credit
Congratulations. Give yourself credit for surrendering and letting go of these units of your burden in life associated with self-hatred.
God loves you for taking this time to give up or surrender your burden up to Him. Give yourself credit for bringing your self-hatred in confession and honesty before God. At this very minute, because you were willing to trust God enough to surrender up to Him, God is pouring His blessings over you. It is wonderful to trust God as you have done. In humility, receive God's love in place of your burden. God received your burden and God sends His love back to you in return. In humility, receive God's power within you. Because you were humble and willing to trust Him, God sends His power into your heart and life to replace your burden.
OK, I RECEIVE GOD'S POWER AND I RECEIVE GOD'S LOVE
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Overcoming Self-hatred
Step 10. Feeling Gratitude And Giving Thanks
Now that you have given yourself credit for letting go, feel gratitude for letting go of these units of the effects of self-hatred upon your life.
Experience thanksgiving within you. God has honored you, loved you, and received from you the burden you have surrendered up to Him. Let your gratitude and thanksgiving flow up from your heart into Heaven above.
OK, I GIVE THANKS AND FEEL GRATITUDE
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You Have Overcome. You Have Surrendered.
Step 11. Surrendering More Of Your Burden
You have surrendered or given up to God. You have released. You have let go. Now that you have made this progress, if you have any burden left, and you would like to give up or surrender more of your burden, then click "Yes". If you have surrendered up all of your burden, then click "No".
"Yes, I want to surrender or give up to God even more of my current burden." Please click "Yes"
"No, I have surrendered up or given up as much as I can right now." Please click "No".
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Preserve Your Healing: Describe How Things Are Right Now
Step 1
Describe The State Of Your Heart, Mind, And Soul Right Now As A Result Of Your Healing
Top of Form 1

Bottom of Form 1
OK, I have written my description of the state of my heart, mind, and soul right now as a result of my healing.
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Preserve Your Healing: Be Willing To Remember Or Recreate What Is In Your
Heart, Mind, And Soul Right Now
Step 2
Are you willing to remember and if need be, recreate the present state of your heart, mind, and soul as an antidote if the issue of self-hatred should ever try to reassert itself?
Yes, I am willing to remember or recreate the present state of my heart, mind, and soul if need be.
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Preserve Your Healing: Be Able To Remember Or Recreate
Step 3
Are you able to remember or recreate the present state of your heart, mind, and soul as an antidote if the issue of self-hatred should ever try to reassert itself?
Yes
No
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Preserve Your Healing: Recreating
Step 4
You need to be willing to recreate the present state of your heart, mind, and soul as an antidote if the issue of self-hatred should ever try to reassert itself. In addition to returning to this Healing Page, what else do you think you can you do to recreate the present state of your heart, mind, and soul?
Top of Form 2

Bottom of Form 2
OK, I have stated what I else I can do to recreate the present state of my healed heart, mind, and soul.
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Preserve Your Healing: Commitment To Recreating
Step 5
Will you commit yourself to recreating the present state of your present heart, mind, and soul as an antidote if the issue of self-hatred should ever try to reassert itself?
Yes, I will commit myself to recreating the present state of my heart, mind, and soul
No, I will not commit myself to recreating the present state of my heart, mind, and soul.
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Preserve Your Healing: Give Yourself Credit
Step 5
Congratulations. Give yourself credit for committing to remembering or recreating the present state of your heart, mind, and soul as a result of your healing connected to your issue of self-hatred.
God loves you for taking this time to commit yourself to remember or recreate your present heart, mind, and soul. Give yourself credit for committing your life to doing the right thing associated with your self-hatred. At this very minute, because you were willing to trust God enough with your issue, God is pouring His blessings over you and He will help you remember this moment, and if need be, recreate this moment in the future.
OK, I GIVE MYSELF CREDIT AND RECEIVE GOD'S BLESSINGS
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Preserve Your Healing: Feel Gratitude And Give Thanks
Step 6
Now that you have given yourself credit for taking action to preserve your healing, feel gratitude for making this commitment.
Experience thanksgiving within you. God has honored you, loved you, and received from you the burden you have surrendered up to Him. Let your gratitude and thanksgiving flow up from your heart into Heaven above.
OK, I GIVE THANKS AND FEEL GRATITUDE
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Now That You Have Achieved Healing, Build A Personal Affirmation
Top of Form 3
I affirm, that when I have doubts about my present healing, I shall...

I affirm, that when I am tempted to go back to old ways, I shall...

I affirm, that when I feel weak, I shall...

I affirm, that when I turn selfish, I shall...

I affirm, that when I fall down, I shall...

OK, I have built my affirmation.
Bottom of Form 3
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Now That You Have Achieved Healing, Make This Promise To God And To Yourself
I solemnly promise myself and I promise God that every time I encounter this issue I shall, to the best of my ability... 
OK, I have made my promise.
<FORM"
Bottom of Form 3
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You have completed this healing page exercise. Is there another issue you would like to address?
Yes, there is another issue I would like to address. Click, "Yes" and you will be taken to the Healing Pages Index
No, there is no other issue I would like to address.
***
Thank you for taking the time to visit this healing page. Perhaps now is not the time for your healing to be completed. After some thought and prayer, please visit this healing page again if you wish to seek healing.
Return to Healing Pages Home Page. OK
Return to the top of this page to try again. OK
***
You may print this page on your printer by pressing Ctrl+P or using the Print command on your browser's File Menu tab.
Thank you for visiting this healing page. Please come back again and receive healing through Healing Pages. Click OK to return to the healing pages Home Page. OK
http://www.findthepower.com/HealingPages/HealingPagesSelfHatred.htm
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Self-hatred
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
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Self-hatred, self-loathing, also sometimes autophobia refers to an extreme dislike of oneself, or being angry at oneself. The term is also used to designate a dislike or hatred of a group to which one belongs. For instance, 'ethnic self-hatred' is the extreme dislike of one's ethnic group. Accusations of self-hatred are often used as an ad hominem attack.
The term 'self-hatred' is used infrequently by psychologists and psychiatrists, who would usually describe people who hate themselves as 'persons with low self-esteem'. Some people think that self-hatred and shame are important factors in some or many mental disorders, especially disorders that involve a perceived defect of oneself (e.g. body dysmorphic disorder). "Ethnic self-hatred" is considered by some people as being a cultural issue, to which psychological theories have limited relevance.
Contents [hide]
1 Types of self-hatred
1.1 Personal self-hatred
1.2 Self-injury as self-hatred
2 See also
3 References
[edit] Types of self-hatred
The term self-hatred can refer to either a strong dislike for oneself, one's actions, or a strong dislike or hatred of one's own race, gender, nationality, sexual orientation et cetera. When used in the latter context it is generally defined as hatred of one's identity based on the demographic in question, as well as a desire to distance oneself from this identity.
[edit] Personal self-hatred
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Please help improve this article by adding reliable references. Unsourced material may be challenged and removed. (November 2007)
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Personal self-hatred and self-loathing can result in an inferiority complex. Some sociology theorists such as Jerry Mander see television programming as being deliberately designed to induce self-hatred, negative body image, and depression, with the advertising then being used to suggest the cure [1]. See also the arguments related to the Kill your television phenomenon.
[edit] Self-injury as self-hatred
Self-harm is a psychological disorder, which may involve self-hatred, where the subject feels compelled to physically injure themselves.
[edit] See also
Self-hating Jew
[edit] References
Is Black self-hatred racist? John Carlson, Knight Ridder/Tribune News Service, Feb. 9 1994.
Sander L. Gilman Difference and Pathology: Stereotypes of Sexuality, Race and Madness Cornell University Press, 1985
Retrieved from "http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self-hatred"
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Self-hate is the most insidious and pervasive problem we all have. Self-hate underlies most patterns, and rules most relationships. The patterns springing from it can manifest in a wide variety of ways. That's because self-hate hides so well, and has the ability to co-opt other patterns for its use.
Remember, the purpose of a pattern is twofold: to mask the real feelings/pain we hold, and to play out or create the reality of the beliefs within the pattern. (See How Patterns Work for more on this.)
At the base of the self-hate patterns are a feeling of deep unworthiness. So the pattern must find ways to both hide the real feelings, and also play them out in reality in some way. If reality doesn't fit what self-hate believes is true, the pattern will cause us to do something that will sabotage our success. Whether it's self-sabotage or getting others to participate in our downfall, the self-hate patterns can be quite creative in finding ways to make reality fit the "I am bad" picture.
This is difficult to understand, to believe that we would be so perverse as to purposely create self-harming realities! But it's also a testament to our innate power to create.
HOW SELF-HATE PATTERNS FORM: Blaming and Shaming
There are two parts to the formation of self-hate patterns. The first is BLAME, which usually originates with judgments in the mind/spirit.
When we are children, before we have an understanding of "self" vs. "other", we are particularly open and vulnerable to the input of those around us. We form our sense of self based on how we are treated. We can both be imprinted at the emotional level (made to feel bad), and the mental level (taught judgments of good/bad and right/wrong). But it doesn't matter if the judgments came from our parents, teachers, friends, church, or if they originated with something within our own self. The point is that our mind believes the judgments and takes on the role of carrying out the sentencing. This means part of the self is actively blaming another part of the self. Self-blame is the hate part of self-hate.
The second part of the picture involves the soul. The soul receives the judgment/blame as feelings of SHAME.
Shame can be thought of as the energetic opposite of hate. The shape of hate is outward, forward, convex, active. The shape of shame is inward, concave, passive. Shame causes us to abdicate our own space. Shame says we deserve bad things, do not deserve good things. When we feel shame, we shrink, we give over, we collapse.
Shame doesn't always come from feeling judged. We may feel remorse and regret over having hurt someone we love, or having neglected them in some way. This is not a judgment sourcing from the mind, but pain that comes from the heart and soul. When you love someone you don't want them to be hurting. And when you are the one who causes them to hurt, you feel remorse, regret, and that turns to shame. Remorse and regret can be cried though, and we can always make things right with the ones we have hurt. If we can't make it right with them personally, we can make it right spiritually and energetically, and that energy will reach them on another level. And we can commit to never doing that kind of harm again.
Note: Guilt and self-hate are not the same thing, but are tightly intertwined. Guilt comes from outside ourselves and occupies the space we give up when we feel shame. Guilt pushes on our shame, makes us feel worse. That's when we say we feel guilty, but we are actually feeling shame. The test? Guilt doesn't cry. It can't be healed. Shame does cry, and it can be healed. The only way to move guilt out is to cry our shame and take back our space.
Through the blame and shame process, conclusions are drawn that form our belief system with the concrete belief "I am bad" at the foundation. And then we don't fight back when bad things happen because, after all, that's what we deserve. Or, we fight back while at the same time knocking ourselves down.
TWO OTHER IMPORTANT CONTRIBUTORS --
There are two other ways that self-hate patterns can be formed, or contributed to. Usually when we see a person with self-hate as a LIFE pattern, they have a combination of the shame/blame, and one or both of the additional problems here. Knowing these things makes it a little easier to heal. Although sometimes we don't know the source until we begin to cry the pain.
1. Rage in Conversion: This is not actually self-hate. It's what we call a conversion. It actually begins as a thwarted rage response to something external.
When we are hurt, frightened, threatened or left with unmet needs, when we have been mistreated or abused, we are naturally and spontaneously angry about it. If we have no self-hate/self-doubt, then we automatically feel that the hurt or neglect is UNFAIR! And both our soul and spirit try to make sense of the hurting. The deeply felt response from the core of a self-loving being is "why is this happening to me"? "Why did you hurt me, terrify me, leave me?" etc.
If the hurt/fear/anger is allowed to cry at the moment, it heals and dissipates, and the quest for the cause expands to greater understandings, as well as greater abilities to get out of the hurtful situation. But when the rage is not allowed to cry, especially if it is suppressed with threats of MORE violence, it builds up a compressed energy charge. Compressed energy eventually becomes like a volcano that MUST blow. Energy must go somewhere. But when it tries to express outwardly, it hits a wall and has nowhere to go but back in on itself. Then the quest for a "reason" turns inward, as does the rage at being mistreated. The mind builds a rigid belief that says "I deserve this", and soul feels the rage that is twisting and turning back inward. The soul responds with shame and alarm. Is this my fault? Did I cause this? It becomes a twisted pretzel at this point, and we can no longer separate "hate you" from "hate me". Rage has converted itself into self-hate.
How to know if you are holding converted rage? When you begin to cry this pain, it may begin as shame or inward self-hate feelings. But eventually (sometimes immediately) it becomes the outward rage that it was meant to be, and you'll find yourself crying rage/hatred AT somebody or some situation. Then you may go back to crying something inward and self-focussed. Back and forth. This is the pretzel, untwisting itself, and dissipating the compressed energy charge of the rage.
2. Taking In Other People's Hatred: This is a very difficult, but very common way that self-hate forms. It is difficult, because at the root of it is the feeling of being hated. We usually receive this kind of hatred when we are open and boundary-less. Children receive hatred from others all the time, and never know that it's not their own. The hatred coming from another person is actually taken in and held deep within the soul. We have called this the DarkDeath, because that's how it feels when you hold another person's hatred energy within yourself.
The feeling of being hated is horrible and horrifying. There is nothing like it. For the soul it's an experience like death. Several things happen:
The soul responds to being hated with extreme shame. It's a feeling like being socked in the gut, and we energetically cave in around the wound, which is generally in our heart and stomach area.
We feel terror of it happening again. And terror hates to be in a state of anticipation, desperately wants to know what happened and how to prevent it from happening again. Terror begins a scramble to "be good", in whatever ways it seems may keep hatred from hitting us again. Yin energy people commonly present this way.
We feel rage at the unfairness of it. We may try to "prove" how wrong the hatred is, or we may try to prove how right it is, by acting out our complete and total "badness". Yang energy people will commonly present this way.
Since its origins are not in the mind, we may not be able to understand why we continually feel so unworthy and hated. And we may not be able to distinguish this feeling from our own self-hate. When we take in hatred from another person, we feel it as our own. We own it, even though it is not ours. Mind tries to understand why we are being hated. Mind may form elaborate constructs to explain the feelings. Mind concludes we must have done something to cause it, and begins to act in collusion with the hatred. And so the blame/shame cycle begins.
The bottom line here is that this outside hatred we call the DarkDeath cannot be rationalized or fixed. And it cannot be cried. You cannot cry and heal what does not belong to you. What we can cry is the result. We can cry our response to this hatred, the pain of feeling hated. We can cry the anger at how unfair it feels, we can cry the heartbreak and the sadness. But the hatred we are holding here cannot cry and heal. It must be released and given back to its rightful home.
Why Do We Hold It? Usually we receive this hatred when we are vulnerable and lacking in boundaries, and before we have an understanding of Self vs. Other. So we often don't know that this hatred does not belong to us. In addition, if we live with constant abuse, then we are also imprinted with the belief that we MUST NOT FORM BOUNDARIES or say NO to the abuse, that we must stay open to "what we deserve". Our Belief System then says we deserve this, and that we must continue to accept it and hold it. Staying open to another person's hatred then, becomes the pattern for our lives. We may not have always known how to hold against this hatred. We may not have been able to form boundaries or say no to it. But we can change this now. We CAN give the hatred back. We can form boundaries to prevent ever taking in more hatred again. And we can heal the wounds the hatred created in our soul.
The Patterns in Action
Self-hate patterns tend to act out either the blame or the shame, depending on whether we are primarily yin or yang polarized. Yin people will generally act out their self-hate passively. Generally they let other people do the hating, and they mostly feel only the shame. Yang people will be more actively self-hating and self-sabotaging. Their patterns tend to act out on the self. If they do try to draw others into harming them or create dangerous situations, it will be done in colorful and dramatic ways. The flamboyant and visible self-hater is usually a yang energy person.
That doesn't mean they don't both have shame and blame, it simply means that yin and yang polar people deal with the feelings differently. Both the shame and the blame need to be dealt with in order for self-hate patterns to truly heal.
As we said above, self-hate can manifest in many ways, and can use other patterns to act out. For instance, people with self-hate as their LIFE pattern, might run simultaeous addiction patterns, judging patterns, as well as several of the patterns below.
The Doormat - This is actually one of the Powerless Patterns, commonly co-opted by self-hate. The Doormat literally lets everybody walk all over them. They may feel they have no value in the world, or they may place their value in how MUCH they're getting walked on, and how WELL they can take it. In this way, the pattern both outpictures unworthiness, and avoids the real feelings of unworthiness, because the person can tell themselves they have value because they're being self-less and generous and caring of other's feelings. What they're actually doing is negating their own needs and rights (and often boundaries and property) and allowing others to occupy the space they should keep for themselves by divine right.
The Punching Bag - Usually a yin pattern. The Punching Bag believes physical pain/punishment is inevitable. They anticipate the blows, and like a dog that has been beaten, goes into a submissive stance before a hand can even be raised. When the blows come, there's a sense of relief. Waiting and anticipating it creates horrible fear and tension, and often this pattern will do something to provoke an "incident". Make no mistake here, we do not blame the victim for their patterns. But half the battle of breaking these patterns is recognizing how they are acting out in our lives, even when we don't consciously want what they bring us. When this pattern is found in yang people, it usually lends itself to sado-masochistic rituals where the physical pain is actively sought out and agreed to by the "submissive" partner.
The Garbage Can - Like the Punching Bag, this pattern acts out in what it allows others to do TO us, but usually it stays in the verbal and emotional realm. The Garbage Can literally allows themselves to be "dumped on" by everybody and anybody. Husbands, wives, bosses, even children are allowed to scoff, scorn, belittle, put down, make fun of, rage at and blame the Garbage Can for anything that goes wrong. It's amazing how easily we fall into patterns of accepting this kind of abuse. We may excuse it because it's not physical. But it is still abuse, and the effects are JUST as harmful. NOTE: Blaming the "abuser" doesn't help you get free of the pattern. What is needed here is to deal with the self-hate and shame that leaves the door open or draws these things to you. It's the only way to be really and truly free and in charge.
The Martyr - The various manifestations of the Martyr pattern are often co-opted by self-hate. Sacrifices that are not appreciated and that end with rejection are primary with this pattern. The Fool is a good example of this.
The Bad Girl/Boy - Most commonly taken on by yang polar people. The Bad Girl/Boy plays the social outcast, the whore, the criminal, the Incorrigible One. Their yang energy makes them defiant in their "badness", and they often flaunt it in outrageous ways. They can even feel superior to the "good" people and make a big show of pretending they don't care about being accepted. But the truth is that they do care, and deep down they believe they will never be accepted.
The Self-Mutilator - This pattern can act out in many ways. The act of cutting, burning or pounding your own flesh is both active and passive. It fulfills both the hate and the shame, and that makes it extremely addictive and seductive. Hiding the activity is part of the shame, so one of the best things you can do with this pattern is tell somebody.
The "Accident Prone" - This pattern takes the person and causes frequent "accidents" and injuries that can range from little bumps and bruises to broken bones and critical, near-death injuries. This is not usually a conscious thing! Although there may be some who consciously choose self-injury, most "accident prone" people are operating from an unconscious pattern that literally works in their bodies and lives to cause falls and burns and explosions. Although unconscious, there is a pay-off with this pattern, which can make it very addictive. The sympathy you get when you're recovering from an injury is attention you may never get at any other time. Since you secretly believe you don't deserve this kind of attention, the price must be paid ahead of time, in physical pain.
The Lonely One - Like the Bad Girl/Boy, this pattern is the social outcast. But unlike the yang energy people who carry their Bad Girl/Boy status like a badge, the Lonely Ones are often never seen. They are Alone. They feel (and sometimes are) invisible. They speak with soft voices that nobody really hears. They never seem to find love and even family relationships are outside their reach. They long for companionship and love and warmth and sharing. But they don't believe they deserve it or can ever find it. They walk alone, and they believe they will always be alone, forever.
The Great One - This is the pendulum swing into grandiosity in the person who is trying desperately to avoid how totally value-less they feel. They push their self-hate away, stuff it into a corner of the attic, and walk through life in the Better-Than illusion. Everything is GREAT! They've overcome it all, have no problems, and in fact, are doing better than most other people! They may pretend they're not doing it, but a secret voice is running all the time, running the Judgment Pattern as a means of keeping their own self-hate at bay. Often this pattern is so successful at creating the illusion of Big and Great and Wonderful and Oh-So-Powerful, that everybody in the person's life is fooled. The crash, when it comes, is usually heavy and deeply devastating.
That Critical Voice - This isn't so much a pattern as a constant running critical energy in the background. We may not hear it during the day when we are active and busy. It may only come to our awareness at quiet times, like when we're preparing for sleep, or trying to meditate. This is when self-hate brings forth all the things that it has been saving up, all the things we have ever done or said that we feel bad about. It may replay old scenes and conversations when you said something stupid or caused someone pain. It may simply list the dumb things you did that day. If you start to feel too good about yourself, it will drag something really big out of the closet, something it has been saving up for just this occasion, something that will really remind you how stupid/wrong/bad/crazy you are. Getting this voice to shut up is very hard. You can use any number of techniques - affirmations, meditation, getting busy, getting drunk - but the only thing that stops it entirely is to cry the shame that is triggered by the voice. When you're done crying the shame from something, you can check it off the list and tell the voice, "There, you can't lash me with THAT one anymore!"
RELATED PAGES:
http://www.cyquest.com/pathway/patterns_self_hate.html
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Healing Self-Hate
See also: : Self-Hate Patterns - What They Are & How They Form
Do you love me?
Do you love me?
Do you LOVE me?
Then why can't I feel it?
Self-hate is evident in everyone on this planet. A broad statement, yes, but we believe this to be true. To one degree or another, everyone has lack of self-acceptance, lack of self-love.
Feelings of unworthiness are at the root of the self-hate patterns. Self-hate keeps us from feeling loved by another. We are frozen in unworthiness, often battering away at the stone with affirmations and behaviors to try to feel better about ourselves. We exercise and diet and build careers and seek power or fame. We wear makeup and hair gel and cologne, trying to hide the awful people we "know" we are deep inside. We seek lover after lover, trying to feel loved and special and valuable . . . but we never really FEEL it. We drink and drug and sex, trying to dull the pain at the core of our bones that says "unworthy".
The only way to heal the dark demon at the center of the SELF is to allow the feelings of self-loathing expression, in a safe place, and hopefully with someone who loves and can listen without judging.
Healing Self-Hate
The antidote to self-hate is not self-love. You cannot simply choose self-love. This is not a true understanding of the workings of the soul. Change by choice only happens in the mind and spirit. We cannot just jump to self-acceptance. No matter how much you change your mind or beliefs or attitudes, you will still have the backlog hidden in your attic, and that will sabotage your life no matter how blind you try to be to it.
The pain held in the unconscious lives on until it is given expression in the way IT needs to express. Emotional essence needs to express in emotional ways. That is why we say that Tool 2: Crying is the most important of our healing tools.
Self-love is not the antidote. It is the RESULT, the evolutionary landing point, that comes naturally after healing has taken place. And it cannot be forced by mind's decisions.
However, the mind *does* have an important role to play in the healing of self-hate. As with forgiveness, rage, and other difficult healings, we must set an intention to heal, and that begins in the mind or spirit. When you set the intention to love yourself you are purposely and consciously setting the stage for change. That doesn't mean painting over the surface with false self-love or phony self-lessness. It means stating a desire and intention . .. and then going deeply into the feelings under the surface and allowing them to cry all the way to healing.
Mind holds the intent for self-love, and that includes love for all the parts of the self. That means holding space for the feelings to express, as much as they need to, as long as they need to, and as deeply as they need to. Mind listens. Mind accepts. Mind waits for the feelings to shift and change all by themselves. Mind does not dictate when this will happen, or how long it will take. Mind just holds the space for it to happen. As the stage manager, Mind / Consciousness sets the tone, the lights, the colors. And then steps back and allows feelings to enter the stage to share their pain and experiences and memories.
Why Is It So Hard to Heal?
Self-hate is one of the most difficult patterns to get people to face or see in themselves, and some of the most difficult feelings to get hold of to cry and heal. It's a slippery little sucker. The ways self-hate will act out to avoid really feeling the pain are too numerous to list here. Even approaching the self-hate can trigger it into knee-jerk survival terror. Sometimes shining just the tiniest bit of light on a self-hate pattern will cause the pattern to explode -- you may find yourself sliding down into a hugely maudlin self-hate/shame spiral, or lashing out in blaming ways at others. Self-hate can be very much like a festering sore . . . even the slightest touch can trigger waves and waves of overwhelming pain that we believe we must not feel / cannot survive, and send us into ginormous knee-jerk responses.
One thing to remember here is that the purpose of the pattern is to keep the real feelings from surfacing. The more we act it out, the less we actually FEEL it. And the self-hate pattern often takes on a survival mask at this point, and acts to keep itself intact. Any attempt to push through the barrier will only cause it to fortify itself, act out more and more, and become harder and more difficult to penetrate.
Real Survival Terror
There is also a true feeling of self-survival that can make self-hate difficult to heal.
We know, instinctively, that if we fall headlong into the feelings underlying the self-hate pattern, we'll eventually hit a place that says "I don't deserve to live", which equates at the root level to "DIE DIE DIE". Our survival fear says if we touch those feelings, we will actually begin to die, either passively or actively. So our survival instinct kicks in to stay far away from the self-hate feelings, and actually assists the patterns in suppressing the real feelings.
This is especially true for yang energy people. The feelings of giving up / going down / death /dying are entirely unacceptable to the yang energy. These feelings go against their very nature. Many yang polarized people have pushed the yin essence holding self-hate out of themselves to the point where it has fragmented and they are no longer aware of feeling hopeless or self-hating. They may then turn and feel superior toward those who are on self-destructive paths or stuck in self-hating ruts.
The First Step In Healing
The first thing we must know is that it IS possible to heal these feelings without letting them take us down to death.
Because we have not always understood how the emotions heal, most of us have never had the experience of allowing full expression, and seeing the evolution that can happen following a good long heartful cry. Until you have the experience of this, you will have to take our word for it. It IS true. Emotions can evolve and heal.
Mostly our past experience with self-hate has been entirely negative, purely an exercise in acting out a pattern. This means that for many people, the first problem will be getting through the barrier of fear that says, if I go there, I'll die, it will take me down to death. Allowing this fear to cry first will open the stage up a bit, and make some space for the self-hate feelings to come to the surface.
Interrupting the Pattern
It is extremely easy to fall into the negative thought patterns of self-hate, and so it's important to have some tools to interrupt the ways that mind acts in collusion with self-hate. We have to interrupt that negative self-talk. When the pattern starts running its litany of things you've done wrong, or ways you are unworthy, you need to have ways to stop the record from playing.
Of course, if you can, the best thing to do is let yourself cry at the moment you realize the pattern is playing. But sometimes it's so strong and so entrenched that it's hard, if not impossible to stop. Some things to try:
Do something different from your norm. Jump up and dance, do push-ups, throw paint on a wall, turn on some music that touches your heart. The idea here is not to distract you from your feelings, but to interrupt the critical voice that runs, to stop the round-robin rut that mind gets into. Always remember, getting to ignition is the goal.
Talk Back to it. This is one of the best techniques for getting past resistance. The self-hate pattern says, basically, "You suck". Try talking back to it. Say things like "I'm wonderful, I'm the most loveable and valuable person in the world!" Say it loud and with as much feeling as you can muster. What will happen, if you allow it, is the feelings of self-loathing will rise up. You'll feel it as an urge to laugh when you say these "ridiculous" things about yourself. Or you might feel it as anger, an angry voice that says "No, I'm not wonderful or loveable, I'm crap!" If you can let the feelings come further to the surface, they will begin to cry, either as grief-type self-loathing, or rage-type self-hate. Or both! Let it come, let it surface and cry, for as long as you can.
Talk WITH it. Similar to the method above, this one lets you take the maudlin self-hate pattern and exaggerate it, make it bigger and worse, as bad as you can possibly imagine. You may get some tears with this method also. Or it may just make you laugh, which is perfectly acceptable. It's one way to interrupt the pattern & stop the record from playing over and over again.
Release judgments, set goals & visualize. The other tools we've offered are an important part of the healing process, and can come in handy here. Use Tool 3 and Tool 4 to set goals and release the old judgments and beliefs that mind holds. Visualize yourself as a worthy, powerful person. Write down self-loving affirmations and tack them to your walls and refrigerator doors. By doing these things you are setting the stage for self-love. And then be sure to allow the players to enter the arena, allow the parts that are feeling the pain of self-hate, blame and shame to speak and cry and remember.
Letting the Feelings Cry
Self-hate can be very difficult to cry. You may find yourself bouncing around between other feelings in an effort to get to the deep self-hate stuff. You may need to cry some survival terror first, in order to make room and have acceptance for the feelings that want to die. Or you may need to cry shame at HAVING self-hate, before you can get to the actual self-hate. The emotional barriers will be different for each person, depending on your processing modality, and your yin/yang orientation.
Yin/Yang orientation can also affect where you are most comfortable in the self-hate spectrum. For instance:
When I cry shame, it cries as a wail, a deep feeling of the heart caving in, a feeling of wanting to withdraw, go away, hide, even be dead. There may be sadness and fear laced throughout, fear of reprisals and condemnation. Yin people may tend to want to stay mostly in these feelings.
When I cry blame/hate, it cries as rage, with an active desire to hurt/harm. The fact that this desire to hurt/harm is aimed at the self makes it very difficult to own and feel. Yang people may tend to stay in these feelings.
It's important to keep the doors open to whatever you feel, and not to veto any part of the spectrum, if you can.
Regaining Heart - Almost always following a big spate of self-blame/hate crying, I go deeply into tears of heartbreak. If this happens to you, try not to stop the process or censor it in any way. What I've found is that the heart feels self-hate in the same hurtful way that it feels outside hate. It hurts. It breaks your heart. This means that one of the natural benefits of healing self-hate is that more of your heart will be able to come to the surface.
Role Playing - You may need to use some role-playing techniques to stir the feelings to the surface. Just be aware that resistance will be high for these feelings, and role-playing may send the self-hate pattern into overdrive. If you try role-playing and you feel frozen and shut-down instead of getting to tears, then that's not the best method for you to use. There is no one method that will work for everybody. And there is usually no one method that will work for you every time either. Resistance is clever and slippery, and patterns themselves help keep the tears suppressed. You'll need to be clever and patient, and persistent.
Imagining Love - One method that works for me almost every time is to imagine love. I imagine a loving presence - mother, father, lover, dog - and try to imagine them loving me. I try to feel them there for me, offering me warm hugs and understanding, asking me to tell them how I feel, inviting me to sit in the big comfy chair and put my head on their shoulder. This imagining usually triggers tears in short order. If I'm really stuck in self-hate, it's hard to imagine a loving presence, of course, but just the effort of doing so can trigger the tears of the feelings that say "I don't deserve that loving presence" or "I will never have anybody who loves me", or whatever the feelings are.
Shift Your Point of Awareness - I found it helpful to shift my point of awareness INTO the hate, and pretend that I was somebody else feeling it, hating "me". The first time this happened it was an accident. I had been experiencing the self-hate as a dark evil witch that wanted me dead. I was crying deeply in the shame and fear OF the hate, and suddenly I switched and became the witch. The imagery was much like the scene in the Wizard of Oz where Dorothy is captured in the castle. One part of me was Dorothy, and the hatred/blame was the Witch. I went back and forth between these two parts in my crying for quite some time, and was finally able to get the Witch incorporated into "me". I still use this technique occasionally whenever the self-hate is avoiding me.
Giving Hatred Back
If you think you might be holding somebody else's hatred, it's important to take steps to release it and let it go back to its rightful home. This can involve asking Fathergod/Mothergod (or angels or guides) for assistance. You should regularly request that anything that does not belong to you be taken from you. You actually don't have to know where it came from, who it belongs to, or where it's going when it leaves you. You can leave that up to the loving assistance of Father/Mother.
It may not be as easy as 1-2-3. There may be a long history of the external hatred intertwining with your own self-hate, and the unraveling may take some time and need to go in baby-step stages. You may have an unconscious desire to NOT release this hatred because - much like touching a deeply embedded splinter - jostling the place where it is held within means feeling the pain of the wound. Following a release of some of the hatred, you may find yourself flooded with your own pain and needing to cry shame and horror and heartbreak and so on. Only when you've finished crying your own wound will you actually feel some relief of having that DarkDeath-hatred removed.
Breathe In Love
Love cannot be felt when there is no space for it. We must vibrate the self-hate feelings, loosen guilt and let it leave, and then - WHEW - there is space to love, and feel loved. Each time you cry, be sure to fill your space with loving light. Ask for comfort, and love, and validation, and feel it filling in the space where you have freed up some of that frozen compressed pain. Take some deep, slow breaths and feel the love coming in. And then let yourself rest in the arms of love, and know that you are worthy and valuable.
http://www.cyquest.com/pathway/healing_self_hate.html
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Although I am doing this thread out of desperation, I know that something good will come out at the end. Hope so. Or at least I will come down and keep me "busy" and I put it in quotetion because I have dishes to wash, poems to read, exams to grade, house to clean, errans to run, supermarket ofr the week, bills to pay, and something to study for my medical dream. Also I have to exercise which I have not done lately for so much stress.
So, I am just trying to come down.
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Self-Hate
In Neurosis and Human Growth, Karen Horney explains how the pride
system generates self-hate.
"Briefly, when an individual shifts his center of gravity to his
idealized self, he not only exalts himself but also is bound to look
at his actual self -- all that he is at a given time, body, mind,
healthy and neurotic -- from a wrong perspective. The glorified self
becomes not only a phantom to be pursued; it also becomes a measuring
rod with which to measure his actual being. And this actual being is
such an embarrassing sight when viewed from the perspective of a
godlike perfection that he cannot but despise it. Moreover, what is
dynamically more important, the human being which he actually is
keeps interfering -- significantly -- with his flight to glory, and
therefore he is bound to hate it, to hate himself. And since pride
and self-hate are actually one entity, I suggest calling the sum
total of the factors involved by a common name: the pride system"
(Horney, 1950, pp. 110-11).
"Horney (1950) recognized six major ways in which people express self-
hatred. First, self-hatred may result in relentless demands on the
self, which are exemplified by the tyranny of the should" (Feist, pg.
256).
"The second mode of expressing self-hatred is merciless self-
accusation" (pg. 256).
"Third, self-hatred may take the form of self-contempt, which might
be expressed as belittling, disparaging, doubting, discrediting, and
ridiculing oneself" (pg. 256).
"A fourth expression of self-hatred is self-frustration" (pg. 256).
"Fifth, self-hatred may be manifested as self-torment or self-
torture. Although self-torment can exist in each of the other forms
of self-hatred, it becomes a separate category when people's main
intention is to inflict harm or suffering on themselves. Some people
attain masochistic satisfaction by anguishing over a decision,
exaggerating the pain of a headache, cutting themselves with a knife,
starting a fight that they are sure to lose, or inviting physical
abuse" (pg. 257).
"The sixth and final form of self-hatred is self-destructive actions
and impulses, which may be either physical or psychological,
conscious or unconscious, acute or chronic, carried out in action or
enacted only in the imagination. Overeating, abusing alcohol and
other drugs, working too hard, driving recklessly, and suicide are
common expressions of physical self-destruction. Neurotics may also
attack themselves psychologically, for example, quitting a job just
when it begins to be fulfilling,m breaking off a healthy relationship
in favor of a neurotic one, or engaging in promiscuous activities"
(pg. 257).
"Horney believes we can witness four consequences of self-hatred. One
is a compulsive need to compare self with others. Typically, the
result is a 'comparative inferiority'" (Cooper, pg. 136).
"Another consequence of self-hate is a hypersensitivity to criticism,
and hence, an excessive vulnerability in our relationships" (pg.
137).
"Still another consequence of self-hate is allowing too much abuse
from others" (pg. 137).
"The last consequence of self-hate is the compulsive need to
alleviate self-contempt with attention, regard, appreciation or
admiration from others" (pg. 139).
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Thank you for this valuable thread (((( Lupita ))))
In Neurosis and Human Growth, Karen Horney explains how the pride
system generates self-hate.
I have every respect for Karen Horney.
Now, away I go to read through your insightful thread postings.
Love,
Leah
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Lea, Lea, I need you so much!!!!!!!!!!!!!
These are the moments that I need you all friends nice people.
I know that I am catasthrophysing, but it would be a catasthrophe if my son marries and have children and ruins his career bfore starting it.
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I'm so glad you listed that, Lupita.
When I got to the last of it.....
"The last consequence of self-hate is the compulsive need to
alleviate self-contempt with attention, regard, appreciation or
admiration from others" (pg. 139).
You came to mind.
And I want to tell you.......
I believe you deserve appreciation, attention, regard and admiration.
You're human and all humans need empathy.... to relate to other beings in a meaningful way.
The self-contempt you hold needs to be dealt with.
It's real and there's no wishing it away.
You have your medical education,
you're a teacher and a musician.
A great dancer.... an athlethic woman.
You're a survivor of abuse and a mother tiger who would die to protect her son.
You left your country of origin.... that's a very brave step.
A single parent (who's FOO continues to take huge bites out of your soul.)
You're also learning how to trust yourself and change your internal dialogue.
I believe that working towards that goal, like Amber has, will lead you there..... however slowly.
I believe in you and I hope you can start believing in yourself.
You've already accomplished things that many only dream of.
Two steps forward.... one step back.
Growing is a painful process......
inspired by pain.
There's no way around the fire....
we walk through it and try to stay on that uncomfortable path until we're clear of it.
Then.... we see with clarity.
We understand why.
We go forward with the wisdom all that pain left behind.
The pain = growth if we're willing to examine it.
You're doing that, Lupita.
Stay strong.... and know that you'll be strong again when you've fallen.
Belive it'll be OK.
Because it will.
Lighter
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You're human and all humans need empathy.... to relate to other beings in a meaningful way.
Absolutely! I agree with full accord, Lighter.
Leah x
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Your internal dialogue is constant.
Through every waking hour, you never stop saying things to yourself.
Your internal dialogue happens in real time.
Unlike automatic thoughts that run through your mind, your internal dialogue happens at normal speed.
Your internal dialogue triggers a physiological change.
As a result of every thought you have, there is a physical reaction. This reaction can be positive or negative, even affecting your health.
Your internal dialogue is heavily influenced by your locus of control.
No matter what the situation is, or what demands you are facing, your internal dialogue is likely to be influenced by your locus of control.
Your internal dialogue tends to be totally monopolistic.
It crowds out or drowns out any other data, from any other source. As a result, you may spend your time lost in the frantic self-talk that goes with it.
Your negative internal dialogue gets the loudest when you need it the least.
It gets loudest when the pressure is on, because it flows at least in part from your personal truth. That kind of talk, if you listen to it at pivotal moments, can change your life forever. You end up being your own worst enemy.
http://www.oprah.com/spiritself/know/auth/ss_know_authentic_06_fundamentalid.jhtml
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The internal dialogue is what grounds people in the daily world. The world is such and such or so and so, only because we talk to ourselves about its being such and such and so and so. The passageway into the world of shamans opens up after the warrior has learned to shut off his internal dialogue.
~ Carlos Castaneda Quotes from Tales of Power
Famous Quotes on: Attitude, Internal Dialogue, Warrior, People
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We talk to ourselves incessantly about our world. In fact we maintain our world with our internal talk. And whenever we finish talking to ourselves about ourselves and our world, the world is always as it should be. We renew it, we rekindle it with life, we uphold it with our internal talk. Not only that, but we also choose our paths as we talk to ourselves. Thus we repeat the same choices over and over until the day we die, because we keep on repeating the same internal talk over and over until the day we die. A warrior is aware of this and strives to stop his internal talk.~ Carlos Castaneda Quotes from A Separate Reality
Inspirational Quotes on: Attitude, Internal Dialogue, Life, Warrior
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Reprogramming the Subconscious and Internal Dialogue
The voice in the back of your mind that chatters away about useless and random things throughout the day is known as the internal dialogue. It says things like "I'm hungry; wow that person is attractive; ouch my back hurts; maybe I should go to the store later on; I wonder what my friend is doing right now" etc. Such mental chattering to oneself is really a huge waste of energy and only serves to maintain one's focus on the physical realm and everyday life. THAT is what the internal dialogue is and does. Most people don't bother to take the time to discipline their minds enough to keep it from rambling on in a random manner. What is so bad about this seemingly normal mental activity? If you are constantly sending yourself false negative messages about yourself, then you will continue to perpetuate a negative outlook on reality while believing your own erroneous thoughts.
The way the subconscious picks up on these negative messages is simple. Example: A person might think to himself "I'm lonely." Or, "I'm worthless." Then, his undisciplined internal dialogue will pick up on this false message about himself if it is repeated often enough or on that person's mind, and eventually it will become a regular part of a mental tape-loop constantly repeating the message. The person then hears or feels these negative messages about him/herself and then forgets that he is the person who put them there in the first place! Because the individual doesn't remember how those messages got in there, he will now start to believe those negative messages about himself as though they are true.
It is possible to reprogram one's subconscious and internal dialogue through a very simple mantra exercise. Use this exercise if you're constantly depressed, tense, upset, or simply wish to make a change in the way you view life or react to situations.
The Exercise
Use POSITIVE PRESENT-TENSE PHRASES and tell yourself that you are something you might not believe yourself to currently be, but wish to be. If you are depressed and hate yourself, then you will choose a phrase that asserts that you are happy and love yourself, for example. It doesn't matter if you believe these positive messages about yourself or not, because your internal dialogue will pick up on them and start to repeat them back to you later regardless. Try to keep the phrases you use short and simple for most effectiveness. The subconscious does not speak the language of intellectual thought; it communicates through pictures and feelings. Keep the messages you send it basic and to the point. I prefer flowing short phrases for myself when I do this exercise, and I try to convey the essence of what I really need to say using powerful and sometimes emotional words.
Examples of phrases:
I am confident. (Very basic and to the point.)
I am relaxed. I am free. (Creates a very calm open feeling from which to operate in magick and in everyday life.)
I am psychic. (Believe it or not, this one actually helps to eliminate doubt about one's own abilities.)
I love myself. I am loved. (For people with a low self-image.)
Don't use words like 'NOT' or 'doesn't' or anything with a negative connotation to it on its own. Just the feeling of the word 'NOT' is enough to possibly ruin your message to yourself since it's a small amount of negativity in itself and the subconscious might pick up on it and use it somewhere else. I've found phrases with the word 'NOT' in them to be less effective on myself regardless of how positive the meaning was intended to be. If your problem is a tense feeling in your chest, don't say to yourself, "I'm not tense." That will only keep the message of tension and a slight feeling of negativity in your mind due to the words 'not' and 'tense.' Instead, find the opposite message to those feelings and try to express it in a completely positive way, e.g. "I am relaxed."
In actual practice, you would first sit or lay in a comfortable position. It's best to do this exercise when your mind is most receptive, such as just before sleep or just after you wake up (but before you get out of bed). Breathe slowly and deeply just as in meditation. Then, begin to repeat your chosen phrase over and over in a constant rhythm, just like a mantra. You may chose to leave a slight pause after each sentence if it feels more comfortable. After several minutes, you can try repeating the phrase only in your mind rather than out loud. Do this for several minutes, or up to an hour if you can. You should have no other thoughts in your mind but the phrase you are concentrating on. Within about 20 minutes, it should feel automatic to repeat the phrase to yourself and you might even find yourself thinking about other things while the phrase CONTINUES to be repeated in the back of your head. This is ok if it happens in this case, since that shows that the new program is already becoming a part of your normal internal dialogue. You should do this exercise for each phrase several times a day or throughout the day, FOR AT LEAST A WEEK for best results. It doesn't matter if you actually believe the 'lies' you're telling yourself. The results will still start to show within a few days since you're reprogramming the messages that you send to yourself subconsciously. This method has never failed as long as the person doing it has actually practiced the exercise often enough. If you find it helpful, you can try making use of a string of 50 beads or knots in a string to assist you to count the number of repetitions without distracting your mind from performing the exercise. It doesn't matter if you fall asleep during the exercise - that will only help it become more effective since it was the last thing in your mind before sleep and so your subconscious will be more inclined to turn it over while you rest. See Franz Bardon's "Initiation into Hermetics" and Victor Sanchez's "The Teachings of Don Carlos" (available on the recommended books page) for more details.
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Attitude, Self Talk and Stress
Can Your Self Talk Create Additional Stress? Yes!
By Elizabeth Scott, M.S., About.com
Updated: November 7, 2007
About.com Health's Disease and Condition content is reviewed by Steven Gans, MD
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It’s well-known in the therapeutic community that negative statements from others can erode our sense of self-worth. Children tend to believe negative assessments of them from teachers and parents, and develop a compromised self-concept when criticized on a regular basis. Researchers estimate that it’s necessary for the ratio of negative-to-positive comments be at least five to one for a relationship to be healthy and survive long-term. For these reasons, we’re taught not to let others put us down, but sometimes the person eroding our sense of self-worth and limiting our potential is us! That’s right, our self talk, or the words our inner dialogue uses when we think, can increase our stress levels, limit our potential, and color our experience with a negative pen. Here are some more detailed reasons why this happens, with links to resources you can use to change your mind and turn self-sabotage into self-mastery:
Language Colors Experience
Though it’s not clear as to this occurs, it has been found that the types of words we use can alter expectations and even our perceptions of reality. For example:
If you’ve been told that a difficult person is ‘a nightmare to work with’, you will probably perceive that person as more frustrating than if you’ve been told they’re ‘particular’ or ‘somewhat demanding’.
If your dentist tells you, ‘This will hurt. A lot!”, you will probably find a procedure more painful than if you’ve been told ‘You may experience some discomfort.’
Research has found that people who speak different languages may see the same things differently based on the words their language uses to describe these things. For example, research has found that language can affect the perception of color. (People who spoke a certain language that classifies blue and green as different shades of the same color were less able than English speakers to differentiate colors that toed the line between blue and green.) These effects influence the right brain more than the left, but the influence is clearly significant.
As it subtly colors what you perceive and what you dwell on, negative self-talk can alter your experience of stress in the following ways:
Increased Perception of Stress:
When your self talk is negative, you may perceive things as more stressful. For example, when you tell yourself something is ‘difficult’ or ‘unfair’, it becomes more stressful to deal with than if you tell yourself it’s a ‘challenge’, or even a ‘test’. Using self-talk that is optimistic rather than pessimistic has stress management benefits, productivity benefits and even health benefits that have been proven by research.
Self-Limitation:
If you say “I can’t handle this”, you more likely can’t. This is because your subconscious mind tends to believe the thoughts it hears. You can limit your abilities by telling yourself you “can’t”, that “this is too hard” or that you “shouldn’t even try”.
Limited Thinking:
When you tell yourself you can’t handle something (or some other self-limiting thought), you tend to stop looking for solutions. For example, notice the difference between telling yourself you can’t handle something and asking yourself how you will handle something. Doesn’t the second thought feel more hopeful and produce more creativity? Negative self talk tends to be a self-fulfilling prophecy!
Stopping negative thoughts and creating habitually positive internal dialogue can reduce stress and empower you. Here are some resources to help you change negative self talk into positive self talk.
More Help With Self Talk:
Turn Negative Self Talk Positive
Surround Yourself with Positive Energy
The Hows and Whys of Positive Affirmations
Create More Optimistic Self Talk:
The Benefits of Optimism
Quiz: Are You An Optimist?
How To Become More of an Optimist
Additional Resources:
Healthy Communication Techniques
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Journal Writing: Whether you carry a journal around with you and jot down negative comments when you think them, write a general summary of your thoughts at the end of the day, or just start writing about your feelings on a certain topic and later go back to analyze it for content, journaling can be an effective tool for examining your inner process.
Thought-Stopping: As you notice yourself saying something negative in your mind, you can stop your thought mid-stream my saying to yourself “Stop”. Saying this aloud will be more powerful, and having to say it aloud will make you more aware of how many times you are stopping negative thoughts, and where.
Rubber-Band Snap: Another therapeutic trick is to walk around with a rubber band around your wrist; as you notice negative self-talk, pull the band away from your skin and let it snap back. It’ll hurt a little, and serve as a slightly negative consequence that will both make you more aware of your thoughts, and help to stop them! (Or, if you don’t want to subject yourself to walking around with a rubber band on your wrist, you’ll be even more careful to limit the negative thoughts!)
Replace Negative Statements:
A good way to stop a bad habit is to replace it with something better. Once you’re aware of your internal dialogue, here are some ways to change it:
Milder Wording: Have you ever been to a hospital and noticed how the nurses talk about ‘discomfort’ instead of ‘pain’? This is generally done because ‘pain’ is a much more powerful word, and discussing your ‘pain’ level can actually make your experience of it more intense than if you’re discussing your ‘discomfort’ level. You can try this strategy in your daily life. In your self-talk, turning more powerful negative words to more neutral ones can actually help neutralize your experience. Instead of using words like ‘hate’ and ‘angry’ (as in, “I hate traffic! It makes me so angry!”), you can use words like ‘don’t like’ and ‘annoyed’ (“I don’t like traffic; it makes me annoyed,” sounds much milder, doesn’t it?)
Change Negative to Neutral or Positive: As you find yourself mentally complaining about something, rethink your assumptions. Are you assuming something is a negative event when it isn’t, necessarily? (For example, having your plans cancelled at the last minute can be seen as a negative, but what you do with your newly-freed schedule can be what you make of it.) The next time you find yourself stressing about something or deciding you’re not up to a challenge, stop and rethink, and see if you can come up with a neutral or positive replacement.
Change Self-Limiting Statements to Questions: Self-limiting statements like “I can’t handle this!” or “This is impossible!” are particularly damaging because they increase your stress in a given situation and they stop you from searching for solutions. The next time you find yourself thinking something that limits the possibilities of a given situation, turn it into a question. Doesn’t “How can I handle this?” or “How is this possible?” sound more hopeful and open up your imagination to new possibilities?
You can also help yourself develop more positive self talk by bringing more positive energy into your life. Here are some resources for surrounding yourself with positivity so your mind remains more optimistic and positive.
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Okay...knowing that, now what?
This internal monologue is present in everyone. The bad news...there is no getting rid of it. The good news...you can learn how to manage your mind so that it is your servant and you are the master, not the other way around. We have found a great book that helps you distinguish yourself from that 'voice' in your head in a lighthearted, 'non-psychobabel' way. We have taken the book and put together an online class where you can ask questions and get help 24/7 as you work your way through the material. Read about how you can take positive action in managing your self talk in our Taming Your Mind online class.
What you will learn how to do.
First...awareness. You must become aware of the inner dialogue. Begin to notice when it shows up, what it is telling you. You will have to be vigilant at first. You think that voice is you. It isn't. The fact that you can discuss it means that it is something that you do, not who you are. Begin to pay attention to what you think. Observe it without buying into what your mind is telling you. See if you can start to recognize the repetitive nature of the thoughts.
Second...you don't HAVE to react to the thoughts your mind presents you. It is a habit you can break with awareness. The moment you notice that it is just a THOUGHT and not a COMMAND you have a choice. You are in touch with your "observing self". That gap or moment of awareness allows you to notice the thought and CHOOSE to do what you have always done or CHOOSE to do something different.
Start with observing how often you listen to 'your mind'. However, we know from experience this can be a difficult process to do alone. Having a map is not the actual territory. You need a guide. That is the best way to manage your self talk. Remember, change takes time but in the class we will be there to support you.
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BELIEF, SELF TALK and PERFORMANCE ENHANCEMENT
by Joe Kolezynski. M.B.A., M.A.
One of the more frequently faced challenges experienced by athletes is that of how to improve their performance. They express frustration that they often possess identical, if not superior, physical attributes to their competition, yet they're consistently being out performed by that competition. In many of these cases the factor that separates their performance from the competitions has been found to be rooted in their belief as to their ability to outperform the competition. In other words they are operating with a limiting belief as to their athletic ability and level of performance they are capable of achieving. Yet it is well documented that a individual's core beliefs in any given area of their life will ultimately determine the reality they draw into their life-positive, negative or stagnant.
So how does one go about changing a limiting belief to a positive one -- one that will result in improving your performance? It has been established by psychologists and neuroscientists that every person in the world carries on an ongoing dialog, or self-talk, of between 150 and 300 words a minute. This works out to between 45,000 and 51,000 thoughts a day. Most of out self-talk is harmless thoughts that serve our daily activities like, "I need to stop at the cleaners." The danger is when inner dialogue takes on a negative connotation such as, "I'll never be as good an athlete as he is," "I don't have the mental toughness to compete at this level," or "I'll never be that fast." The ongoing negative reinforcement created by habitual negative self-talk results in the creation of a limiting belief(s) that goes on to become self-fulfilling prophecy.
Beliefs -- positive or negative -- are literally etched into our brain in comfortable grooves or neural pathways. Incoming data from our senses travel on these neural pathways on the way to interpretation in the brain. Therefore, if you desire to change an unresourceful/limiting belief into an empowering belief, you must rewire the negative neural track created in the brain.
This can be accomplished in precisely the same way the tracks were created: by using self-talk or, more specifically affirmations. An affirmation is a statement of fact or belief -- positive or negative -- that will lead toward the end result you expect. Anything that follows the phrase "I am," such as "I am a peak performance athlete" or "I am quick and agile," is an affirmation. The simplicity of affirmations often causes them to be overlooked. Nonetheless, affirmations are regularly used by professional athletes and successful business people.
The process for changing a limiting belief to a resourceful belief using affirmations is a simple one. First, identify the areas of your life which are not working to your satisfaction.
Next, write out the affirmations that represent things the way you desire them to be, they will be the vehicle for creating new resourceful/positive pathways.
Basic to formulating a new self-suggestion is that your affirmation is short and to the point -- simple enough that a five year old child will understand it -- and is always stated in the positive. Further, your affirmation should be stated in the present tense -- as if it has already happened, for example, "I am a strong athlete."
Now you are ready to begin your daily (minimum) reprogramming process:
Sit upright in a comfortable chair.
Close your eyes and take a couple of minutes to progressively relax.
Release your body's tight sharp focus on the physical world by taking yourself to an even deeper level of relaxation.
Speak your affirmation aloud from five to twenty times (depending on the time you have and the number of beliefs you are reprogramming).
By speaking your affirmation aloud you are down-stepping your thoughts to the brains electrical network to speech, and you are involving more of your brain by including two more of your senses: auditory and kinesthetic. It is important that you trust this process and give your affirmation(s) time to achieve their desired outcome. Worry or self-doubt as to whether your affirmations are working only conveys to your subconscious worry and the belief that your desire may not come to pass or the affirmation may not succeed. Be patient, success is on the way.
In conclusion, remember that your beliefs are what produce your life's experience, not the other way around. Orchestrate your beliefs using affirmations to create a life filled with successful experiences that reinforce the beliefs that created them.
8/31/98
Joe Kolezynski holds a Masters in Business Administration and is CEO of the Ascent Consulting Group serving the corporate and sports community while completing requirements for a Ph. D. in Sports Psychology at the University for Humanistic Studies in Solana Beach, California. Joe can be contacted by phone at (619) 457-4425.
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Self Talk
Develop the Habit of Healthy Self -Talk!
by Judith E. Pearson, Ph.D.
"I shouldn't have eaten that chocolate cake! I'm so stupid. I'm just a hopeless case. My family stresses me out and undermines my self-control. I'll never get down to a size 10. I should just give up! "
Do you ever say things like this to yourself? This kind of thinking is called "negative self-talk." It sounds pretty dismal, doesn't it? Let's play the conversation again, this time with positive self-talk.
"I wish I hadn't eaten that chocolate cake! It wasn't a good choice, and I'm smart enough to make good choices. Looking back, I realize I wasn't hungry. I was stressed, and I was only wanting to calm down. So how can I calm down in a healthy, positive way? I'm determined to get to size 10, and mistakes are just part of the learning process."
Which is going to give you more motivation to maintain healthy habits---negative or positive self-talk? Self-talk is internal dialog---the words we use when we talk to ourselves. According to psychologist Dr. Shad Helmstetter, our self-talk reflects and creates our emotional states. You can feel calm or worried, depending on what you tell yourself. Your self-talk can influence your self-esteem, outlook, energy level, performance, and relationships with others. It can even affect your health, determining, for example, how you handle stressful events, or how easily you replace unhealthy behaviors with healthy ones.
You can change your negative self-talk with awareness and practice. This article teaches you how to recognize negative self-talk, and how to develop the habit of positive self-talk. Below are some types of negative self-talk, paired with positive alternatives.
Replace the Negative with the Positive
Focusing only on problems: This is the essence of complaining. We dwell on the problem, instead of solutions. Instead: Assume most problems have solutions, and ask "How do I want this situation to be different?"
Catastrophizing: Every bad thing that happens is a horrible disaster. Instead: Be realistic in your assessment and stop scaring yourself. Yes, bad things do happen, and many bad things are often inconveniences, mistakes, and foul-ups---not necessarily traumas, tragedies, or disasters.
Expecting the worst: "What if he doesn't like me?" "What if I don't pass the exam?" Expecting the worst does not encourage you to behave effectively. Expecting the worst only promotes anxiety. Instead: Ask questions that presuppose positive outcomes. "How can I make a favorable impression?" "How can I prepare for the exam?"
Stereotyping: By putting others, and ourselves, into preconceived categories, we avoid thinking of people as unique individuals. This leads to strained relationships, and gives us an undeserved sense of superiority or inferiority. It also often deprives us of opportunities to know and understand the giftedness of those whom we stereotype. Instead: Remind yourself that we are all human beings, with unique personalities, each having qualities and shortcomings.
Shoulds: Should, ought, must, have to... used carelessly, these words presuppose rules and standards for behavior that do not exist in reality. They imply a consequence for noncompliance, and often evoke quilt. For example, according to the law, we "should" obey posted speed limits, or pay a fine. Is it equally true that "I should be smarter than I am." or "I ought to be married by now."?--Of course not! Instead: Replace the words should, ought, or must with the word "COULD" and realize the gift of choices.
Thinking in Absolutes: We exaggerate reality with words like "always," "never," and "everyone," as in "I always eat too much--I will never be slim." Instead: Replace exaggeration with words that more accurately reflect reality. Example "I often eat more than I need, but I can change that."
All or Nothing Thinking: We distort reality by thinking only in extremes. Our efforts become total failures or complete successes---with nothing in between. Example: "Either I lose two pounds by Sunday, or I quit exercising." Instead: Chunk down your perceptions to see the parts of the whole, which can be positive, negative, and in-between. Give yourself options or choices whenever possible. Example: "I want to lose two pounds by Sunday. Even one pound would indicate that exercise is helping. If my weight stays the same, I'll experiment with variations in nutrition and exercise until I reach my goal."
Negative labels: Negative labels are the tools we use to lower self-esteem in ourselves and others. Example: "I'm stupid," or "I'm fat." When we say phrases like these often, they become a part of our identity and we can begin to dislike who we are. Instead: Remember, people are not their faults or shortcomings. You may engage in stupid behavior occasionally, but that doesn't make you a stupid person. Change your negative "I-am" statement into a statement about behaviors. Example: "I make unhealthy choices when it comes to food." It's easier to change a behavior, than to change your identity.
Blaming: We assign guilt, instead of solving the problem. If we can blame others, then we can feel vindicated in a wrong-doing, and avoid responsibility. Instead: Focus on what YOU can do to promote a solution to the problem.
"Yes but..." Arguments: When someone offers a possible solution to our problems, we "yes but..." and list reasons why the proposed solution won't work. "Yes but..." says "I'm really not listening to you right now." Instead: Open up to new possibilities and consider alternatives. Really listen to advice and give it a fair hearing, before dismissing it so quickly.
Overgeneralizing: This is similar to stereotyping and thinking in absolutes. It means that we take a single instance or occurrence, and generalize it to numerous other situations. Example: "Joe is a nice man, and he doesn't want to date me. Therefore: No nice man will ever want to date me." When misused, this kind of generalizing can lead to illogical conclusions. Instead: Ask yourself whether there could be exceptions to your generalization. Does a single occurrence mean it will happen every time?
Now you know what negative self-talk sounds like. Negative self-talk is usually a mixture of half-truths, poor logic, and distortions of reality that perpetuates negative emotions, such as pessimism, guilt, fear, and anxiety. It often occurs when in times of emotional turmoil, or when we are going through stress or a personal transition.
When you catch your negative self-talk, take a deep breath, relax, and remove yourself from the situation. Get up and stretch, or take a walk, or get a drink of water, in order to interrupt your train of thought and get out of the negative rut. Write down some of your negative thoughts and then ask yourself "Are the things I'm saying true? Are there other possibilities and meanings that I could get from these circumstances?" Then replace your negative thoughts with realistic, positive thoughts---and write those down too. Soon you'll stop that self-talk in mid-sentence. If you have difficulty changing your self-talk, you may have clinical depression, and a psychotherapist could help you.
Affirmations
One way to reprogram your self-talk is by repeating positive affirmations until you begin to get a good sense of what positive thinking really sounds like. After all, much self-talk is actually negative affirmations. Our emotions, perceptions, and behaviors are shaped by our most dominant thoughts. Advocates of affirmations theorize that our frequent thoughts represent goals which the subconscious mind strives to actualize. What we most often tell ourselves can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you want to explore the power of positive affirmations, follow these guidelines.
Personalize your affirmations with with words like "I," "me," and "my." You can't always control circumstances or other people, so make your affirmations about what you can control---yourself. Make your affirmations state your own goals, wants, and values---not someone else's.
Some authors say affirmations are best stated in the present tense, because, if affirmations are in future tense ("I will...") your subconscious mind feels no urgency to act NOW. If you feel hypocritical stating affirmations in the present tense (as in "I am slender and healthy") then state your affirmations as a process (as in "Each day I am become more slender and healthier.")
Make your affirmations believable and realistic so that you can say them with sincerity. Begin with small, easily achievable goals, and work your way up to bigger accomplishments. "My self control is perfect." is probably more believable as "I have self-control most of the time."
State affirmations in the positive. To say "I don't eat fatty foods," only focuses your attention on the behavior you want to avoid. Instead say "I eat nutritious foods."
Make affirmations short and easy to remember. Catchy slogans stay with us longer than essays.
Repeat your positive affirmations often and positive thinking will become routine.
To maintain positive self-talk, fill your mind with uplifting ideas. Recognize your strengths. Comfort yourself when things go wrong. Let your self-talk be like the soothing, supportive words of a counselor, friend, or mentor. As you improve your self-talk, commit to changing your actions accordingly. Lasting accomplishments come when we change our behaviors as well as our thinking.
Copyright 2000 - Judith E. Pearson, Ph.D.
Permission for use granted to Healthy Habits
Parts of this article appear in the book: Healthy Habits
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The Top 10 Tips to Creating Powerful Positive Self-Talk
Category: Personal Development: Basic (BA184)
Originally Submitted on 9/12/97.
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We all have access to a powerful tool which when used regularly will enhance our self esteem, break through limiting self-imposed beliefs, and raise the thermostat of our comfort zones.
1. Know your outcome -
Have a clear vision of the end result and avoid dwelling on the question, how will I get there? Our subconscious minds are very creative and once the thought is programmed, you will be pleasantly surprised at how the creative mind goes to work to guide you to make the vision a reality. For example, let's take a shy person who is uncomfortable speaking to a group of people. The desired end-result is to be confident, dynamic and captivating when speaking before large groups of people. (Get the idea?)
2. Personal -
Begin your affirmations with "I"....okay, we would all probably like to change the behavior of some of the people around us, but we can only affirm for ourselves. However, as you begin to make changes in your own behavior, others will notice and begin to ask what is your secret? ..So, as you share your new techniques, you are, indirectly, also making a positive impact on those around you.
3. Positive -
Use a positive spin when saying and writing affirmations as opposed to the negative approach. An example of the difference is stating, I am confident when speaking before groups of people, VS. the negative approach of saying.. I am not as nervous or scared as I used to feel when speaking to groups of people.
4. Present Tense -
You want to keep the statement in the NOW moment for your subconscious mind to fully comprehend the change is for today, NOT someday. Avoid using words like CAN, WILL, SHOULD, COULD, and instead use the empowering word AM....I am a confident, dynamic and powerful speaker when addressing large groups of people.
5. K.I.S. -
Use short, powerful sentences for programming new behavior in your subconscious mind, no long dissertations, rambling paragraphs for your affirmations. Just short sentences that reprogram your thought process. Keep it simple!
6. Believable -
The affirmation needs to be believable and attainable by you and for your own good. It doesn't matter what others say, only that YOU believe...so become your own dreammaster!!
7. Emotions -
Use words that trigger emotions when you say your affirmations out loud. A few examples: I am a loving nurturing parent and look for ways to build Mat's self esteem...or......I look forward to my energizing work outs 3 times each week.
8. Write -
Take out 3 x 5 index cards and write each affirmation separately on an index card. If you are working on a couple of different areas at once, you may try pink for family and relationships, yellow for health and nutrition and perhaps green for financial.
9. Repeat -
Here's the work - for 30 conseutive days, read your affirmations each morning upon awakening and each night just before falling asleep, this is when your brain is most receptive to change. Take about 45 seconds for each affirmation, read it, close your eyes and picture the end result ..SEE the picture come to life and enjoy all the vibrant colors in your mind....Now, FEEL the emotion associated with the affirmation. Breath deeply, and enjoy the moment and then go to the next affirmation and repeat the steps.
10. Believe -
Open your heart and mind to the possibilities and expect to make positive changes in your life using this technique. Break out of the negative self talk pattern and get into the POSITIVE self-talk habit.
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About the Submitter
This piece was originally submitted by Coach Janice LaVore, Director for Fortune 100 Company, who can be reached at jelcoach@bellsouth.net. Coach Janice LaVore wants you to know: I coach enthusiastic Managers, Trainers, Sales and Human Resources Professionals through career transitions, leadership development, performance improvement and life mastery skills. Send an email to inquire about a free introductory coaching session. The original source is: various books, tapes and seminars.
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Copyright 97, 98, 99, 00, 2001 CoachVille
This content may be forwarded in full, with copyright, contact, and creation information intact, without specific permission, when used only in a not-for-profit context. For other uses, permission in writing from CoachVille is required. Questions: email topten@coachville.com
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Lupe.... you realize you're teaching here.....
even while you're internalizing this material for yourself.
Growth is painful.
Sorry.... ((Lupita))
Lighter
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Lea and Lighter, thank you for your encouragement.
I believe this thread is so important, that I am working hard to color the parts that most affect me. Probably if others have the same problem I have, they will identify more or less with the same parts I do.
My only fear is that I made my son feel bad. I am going to ask him to read this and tell me honestly if he feels that I did to him what my mother did to me. I know I was not as bad as my mother. My mother was very bad, But I now that I was not good either. So probably in the 60% I will consider, I dont know. I loved him and I love him with all my heart. Like doctor Phill syas.
"We are ready to dye for our children. Are we ready to live for them and live a fruitful life? with joy?"
That was like a hammer on my head.
I remember one time I told my son I wanted to dye. He was nine. I was just so depressed, I will never forgive my self for that/ He still remembers. I want to dye now for my mistakes in the past. But dye is too easy. Live and give him love would be the appropriate thing to do and that is what I intend to do.
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Lupita, what a powerful thread -- maybe you need to change the title to a positive affirmation?
This book had a powerful impact on me, you can get it used in paperback. It's old but basically, it's an excellent instruction book on self-hypnosis, and more importantly, it says you CAN change the internal monologue...and it shows you specifically how. What it did for me was first to educate me so effectively that I believed in it, and then actually doing it was the simplest part.
The Wisdom of Your Subconscious Mind by John K. Williams. It's on Amazon for 41 cents or if you wanna spend big, $1.99! :D
love and a big hug,
Hops
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Oh wow, its amazing sometimes that anytime I have questions somebody is already on it. This thread had a lot of info and its just what I was looking for. I have a bit of self loathing going on at times.
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Lupita:
this issue is pretty simple for me - the "self" that I hate is the one that is playing the srcipted; programmed role(s) forced on me by my wacky mom. I don't hate my authentic self...
... so I always have to challenge my own assumptions, habits, beliefs, etc - test them to see if it's "HER" or "ME"... time-consuming, but it does get things simpler and easier to deal with.
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PS--the thing I loved about discovering hypnosis, through this book and other sources...was that you can just DO IT. You don't have to:
ask yourself if it will work
give yourself a reason it might or might not work
decide whether you deserve to change your inner monologue to something lifesaving
agonize over the perfect affirmative inner monologue
figure out all of the theories of the unconscious and which one you like best
ask yourself again whether you deserve to change your mind
You just do it.
And it changes your mind.
On a much deeper and more effective level than reciting affirmations in the conscious state.
Hypnosis works for you on a far deeper level, deep deep deep in the mind.
It works.
It changes what you need to change.
It changes your mind.
If you do it.
You can just do it.
It is benevolent and lifegiving and you can just do it.
And then you are changing your mind.
You are changing your mind.
Your mind changes as you do it.
It changes how you think because you are literally changing your mind for your benefit.
Repetitiously,
Hops
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I guess my next book will be that Hopalong.
Lea, my post 22 overlaps a little with your thread on thinking errors, but it is seen with a different point of view, from the point of view of self talk.
If we read leas thread and this we will have a better idea.
Love to you all.
God bless you!
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ARTICLE: Below is a message from Debbie Ford's newsletter. Debbie is a spiritual teacher that helps others become aware of their shadow (what we deny about ourselves) and how to accept and love ourselves by making it conscious. She has a lot of great books and resources available on her website at DebbieFord.com.
Are You Hating Your Imperfections?
by Debbie Ford
How does the rejection of parts of who you are act as an excuse for why you are not living the life of your dreams? How do you belittle yourself, minimize yourself, talk bad about yourself, or hide your gifts? All of those come as a result of feeling somehow that you're wrong, you're bad or you're not good enough.
We must deal with the shadows that lurk beneath the surface of our conscious mind which drive us to point fingers at ourselves, criticizing ourselves for every bad choice we've ever made. And remember! To reject any part of ourselves is to reject that in all those around us and all those in the world who carry that same flaw or imperfection. In most instances, this means we're rejecting 6.7 billion people. We can see where that's heading.Ultimately, the solution lies in this question: "How can I love myself?" How can I love myself when I'm tired, old, angry, sick, broke or bored? How can I love myself when I'm alone, with somebody I can't stand, have a child acting out, or my heart aches?
This is the spiritual journey we have all signed up for. It's not an accident but rather a well-designed plan to get you to your spiritual high, to get you looking through G-d's eyes, looking through spirit's eyes, standing in the collective heart rather than the miserable, discontented, wounded ego.
This week, I charge you with using your spiritual eyes and your big delicious collective heart to find love for that which you have judged, disdained, disliked and rejected in yourself.
Love Your Imperfections
I'm sure you've noticed by now that humans are imperfect. We make mistakes. We're works in progress. And while most of us strive endlessly to make ourselves perfect, I've yet to meet a human being without flaws.
To the degree that we're able to love and accept ourselves in spite of our imperfections, we'll be able to extend this love and acceptance to others. And the more we love ourselves and others, the more easily we'll manifest the things we desire most in life.
Self-acceptance is the most generous gift we can offer ourselves.
This week, make a list of all the things you've disliked, resisted, or judged the most about yourself.As you read over your list, pause before each item and say to yourself, "I'm worthy of my own love and acceptance, even though I _____________." For example: "I'm worthy of my own love and acceptance even though I'm 25 pounds overweight"; "I'm worthy of my own love and acceptance even though I don't have a job"; "I'm worthy of my own love and acceptance even though I feel lonely."Read your list each day, pausing after each statement to breathe in your words, then move to the next item on your list.
DebbieFord.com
Hope you all have a beautiful week and take very good care of yourselves. Please pass this on to everyone you feel may benefit.
With love and blessings,