self hatred

[Lupita]

I decided to start the self hate thread. Hope we can help each other here. You have no idea how much I need friends now.

Love to you all.

This looked interesting.

getting to know my self-hatred – a moving inner conversation

by Barbara Rogers

Introduction
I wrote this therapy when I struggled, for months, with a severe depression, marked by anxiety and sleeplessness. These well known symptoms had erupted for different reasons and were not silenced by drugs. I had invested my money into the stock market, which had begun to slide. That triggered terrible survival fears and a long, harsh struggle inside if and how I should get out of the market. I also had left, after only three months, a Dance Movement Therapy graduate program. I was shocked by the inhumanity of the judgmental view of the suffering client that was taught there.

Then I visited my children for five days in Germany, over Christmas. After 14 years of silence, without contact and without having seen each other, my mother and I had only recently exchanged some letters. So I asked her if she could come and see me during those days as she was visiting my sister who lived not far from where I was staying. My mother refused to come. After that trip, my symptoms grew worse and my work in therapy became very, very hard. During that time, I wrote the scream: the mountain. Today, I see this dramatic life crisis as my final breaking away from my mother as I had to realize that she did not love me, and never had.


Therapy Writing
At first, a voice inside, which I call a part, accuses and scolds me with unbearable vehemence. At the same time, I feel so wrong and worthless that I am also flooded and overwhelmed by feelings that I want to die, that make me feel it would be better if I was dead. Finally I talk directly with this “voice,” or part of me, that so hates me, and ask it: “Who are you?”

PART: I am your mother’s voice inside of you. I believe what she believes, and I think what she thinks. She hates and despises you. She thinks that you are a sick, disturbed, confused, crazy madwoman. So I have to make sure that you BECOME exactly this; that you get into this state. THEN SHE IS content. And then I feel good because I fulfill my task and my mission.I,


BARBARA: What is your task?

PART: To destroy you. To destroy your life. I do not want you to be happy and that your life goes well. I do not want that you are loved, that you are publicized, that you have a voice. I HATE you. I would be glad and delighted if you must enter an insane asylum, because that would make her happy. Then she would be proud of me. My task and work is to destroy you, to push you into abysses where you only accuse yourself and question yourself, your mind, and sanity.


I, BARBARA: Why did she give you this task?

PART: Because she hated you. She could not stand and envied who your were and how you were. She could NOT bear your charm, your sweetness, your joy, your aliveness, your clarity. She could not stand ANYTHING that is so wonderfully and full of joy of life radiating from you. She HATED you and wanted to destroy you. Wanted you dead. Break you. Everything she said to you was full of poison and evilness. Everything was malicious, calculating, and insidious. I HAVE to hate you, because that is what she wanted. She could not tolerate you. I live inside of you to help her, to carry out her instructions.


I, BARBARA: How did this happen? How did this come about? And who are you in reality?

PART: Oh, I have listened to her WELL. And I felt good when she judged and condemned you. I am your hatred of yourself, which was born and nourished by her and which grew bigger and bigger with every one of her malicious words. And now I am so huge and overpowering because I have such tremendous failures on your part as my food: You lost way too much money in the stock market; you left the training to become a Dance Movement therapist that you had started. Now I can FINALLY hit you and drive you mad, can torture you with self-doubt, self-accusations, self-hatred, and judgmental condemnations so terribly that you have no clue what to do anymore and go crazy. Maybe even kill yourself. Then she would have the final PROOF that SHE IS GOOD and that YOU ARE BAD and sick and crazy. That always something was wrong with you. That she is perfect and a good human being—and that you ALWAYS were ill and disturbed. That you are and always were really crazy and on the totally wrong way, with your idiotic therapy.


I must make sure that she is right—that you go down. The she could be triumphant. That her worst enemy would forever be banned from her life. Everyone would pity her because she had such a crazy, sick daughter who HAD to come to a terrible end. I am here to make sure that SHE WINS and NOT YOU! Under no circumstances does she want you free, healthy, alive, writing, living. I am her ally inside of you! I must and will make sure that she wins this fight.


I, BARBARA: Why is this so important to you? Why do you want her to win and triumph?

PART: Because I feel sorry for her. She is such an insecure, weak, and poor person. I have pity with her. I can see how strong and alive you are. She never could match you. I feel so sorry for her.


I, BARBARA: Are you the part inside of me who loves my mother?

PART: There was no love between your mother and you. Your mother cannot love. I am the part who wanted to have and keep an emotional connection with her. She WANTED your PITY: And out of the pity, I could feel her hatred for you and her wish to triumph over you, to destroy you. If she could not control you and your thoughts, feelings, and actions—then at least she wanted to destroy you.



I, BARBARA: I am sorry that you could only have an emotional connection with her in this way. I BELIEVE you and I KNOW that what you tell me IS TRUE. I have known this DEEP INSIDE, FOR A LONG TIME—actually, I knew it from the very beginning. Do you want to continue to live like that, or can you leave her task, her emotional energy and connection behind you, and come along with me?



PART: Yes, I would LOVE to do that because really, I LOVE you. I wanted so much and have tried everything to have an emotional connection with your mother. THIS was THE ONLY ONE possible, the only one that she allowed and granted me. I so much wanted to be loved by your mother and to love her. But she did not permit that, did not want that. It was impossible with her. The only connection I could have with her, which was possible, was THIS ONE. TO HATE YOU, TOGETHER WITH HER, OUT OF PITY for HER. So that she did not have to suffer from you.



I, BARBARA: [b]How sad; what a pity that she experienced and saw you, and me, in this way. That she never could take joy in me. But I think to go crazy is no way out. Someone, God, has wanted my life and also I want MY LIFE. I don’t want to and will not sacrifice my life so that she will win and triumph. I am about to completely liberate myself from her. Will you come with me? Can you come with me?[/b]


PART: I don’t know that. Somehow I have the feeling that I don’t belong to you, am not right for you. Basically, I just want to leave, to be delivered and never, ever in my life have to do this and play this role again.


I LOVE YOU, BARBARA. I SO MUCH WISH FOR YOU THAT YOU CAN LIVE! That you grow more and more amazingly and wonderfully; that you change, blossom, develop, grow; that you find your voice and may have and express it; and raise it.
I LOVE YOU—out of this love for you, I wanted an emotional, loving connection with your mother. But this was the only one possible. She saw you as a competitor and as an enemy, whom she desired to destroy and triumph over.

I, BARBARA
THANK YOU for you honesty. Thank you for this truth. Thank you for your love. I am so glad about it. I am moved and it brings tears to my eyes—that deep down, you love me and want good things for me. How about if we go into the healing light and see what happens?

PART: I also want that your therapists Dick and Gina get to know me and understand me. I am an enormously big and important part of you, and it is mainly I who is responsible for the terrible state you have been in during the past weeks. She does NOT want your liberation, your freedom, that you open your mouth and speak up. She gave you the silent treatment when you were in Germany for a good reason. She WANTED to SILENCE you. She DOES NOT WANT your voice to live. She wants to be victorious over you, to force you down, and silence you. She wants to be right and triumph over you.



I, BARBARA: I promise, I will take you to Dick and Gina. I will help you along more, together with them. So that you and I don’t have to suffer so terribly anymore. I love you and I thank you so much that you told me the truth. I always sensed the truth and somehow knew it, deep inside—but I fought and worked against it so desperately.



PART: She wanted that you would shine, that you performed the piano well. Although she showed, when you performed—which your father did not—she came because she wanted to feel good and affirmed as your mother. But she envied you your talents deeply. She hated you for your talents. She never wanted you to shine and be beautiful, to be the center of attention, to have this strong connection with your father.
She hated all this and wanted to destroy it.


This is also one reason why you are so terrified of performing in concerts: Her commandment was—you may not shine, radiate your beauty and talent. She hated you, Barbara, for your talents, for your benign inner beauty that you radiate so strongly. She wanted to be like you—but she could not. And so she hated you.


I, BARBARA: Thank you for your HONESTY. THANK YOU for the Truth. THANK YOU that you talked so truthfully and clearly.

 

In the Healing Light
I see inside of me the black devil mask of Gina’s studio, which is being carried by a tall part that is hitting me with the big stick, also from Gina’s office. And also attacks, abuses, and tortures me verbally. The healing light burns and absorbs the big stick from the part’s hand so that the beatings stop. And it surrounds this part so tightly that it cannot beat me anymore. I look at her black devil’s face and tell her how sorry I am that she has to wear this mask: The mask of hatred—which I never wanted to give room inside of me.
I hug her and tell her: “Now I KNOW about YOU, your history, your journey. Never again do you have to live like tat, to act like that, or to harm me. You are delivered and free and can begin to live and to love.”
She takes off her mask and says: „I LOVE YOU, BARBARA. THANK YOU FOR YOUR HELP. THANK YOU FOR THIS LIBERATION FROM THE DARK, BLACK JAIL!! I AM A PART OF YOUR LOVE FOR YOURSELF, which was CAUGHT in this TRAP. I NEVER wanted and do not want to hurt you. I wanted to build, to create, a BRIDGE for you to your mother. This was the only bridge, which she allowed, which was possible.“
We hug and hold each other. We are together like two good, old FRIENDS, LOVERS, who fall into each other’s arms. (I cry DEEPLY, for the second time during this healing light.)We go to the bench in Gina’s studio, where we sit down and, for a while, talk about her fate and my anguish. And one day—I can feel that and I know it—we will become one!! We will get together and be one!


After word
This is the only therapy, written at home, which I took into my session with both therapists during the six years I worked with them, where I read it for them, translating it from German into English.

 

© Barbara Rogers, May 2005

Screams from Childhood
 
http://www.screamsfromchildhood.com/self-hatred.html

[Lupita]

I will use this thread to help my slef and it would be great if somebody else is helped too. I feel so sad today that I need to do something to aliviate my pain.

Cant wait for your comments dear friends.

Creative Ways to Transform Challenges:
Loving and Nurturing Yourself


Alleviating Self-Hatred   The Dalai Lama
 
Q: Can you discuss the problem of self-hatred, and the Buddhist means to alleviate it?
 
A: In fact, when I first heard the word "self-hatred" and was first exposed to the concept of self-hatred, I was quite surprised and taken aback. The reason why I found it quite unbelievable is that as practicing Buddhists, we are working very hard to overcome our self-centered attitude, and selfish thoughts and motives. So to think of the possibility of someone hating themselves, not cherishing oneself, was quite unbelievable. From the Buddhist point of view, self-hatred is very dangerous because even to be in a discouraged state of mind or depressed is seen as a kind of extreme. Because self-hatred is far more extreme than being in a depressed state, it is very, very dangerous.
 
So the antidote is seen in our natural Buddha-nature-the acceptance or belief that every sentient being, particularly a human being, has Buddha-nature. There is a potential to become a Buddha. In fact, Shantideva emphasizes this point a great deal in the Guide to the Bodhisattva's Way of Life, where he states that even such weak sentient beings as flies, bees, and insects possess Buddha-nature, and if they take the initiative and engage in the path, they have the capacity to become fully enlightened. If that is the case, then why not I, who am a human being and possess human intelligence and all the faculties, if I make the initiative, why can't I also become fully enlightened? So this point is emphasized. In his text called Sublime Continuum, Maitreya presents the Buddhist view on the doctrine of Buddha-nature. It states that no matter how poor or weak or deprived one's present situation may be, a sentient being never loses his or her Buddha-nature. The seed, the potential for perfection and full enlightenment, always remains.
 
For people who have the problem of self-hatred or self-loathing, for the time being it is advisable that they not think seriously about the suffering nature of existence or the underlying unsatisfactory nature of existence. Rather they should concentrate more on the positive aspects of existence, such as appreciating the potentials that lie within oneself as a human being, the opportunities that one's existence as a human being affords. In the traditional teaching, one speaks about all the qualities of a fully endowed human existence. By reflecting upon these opportunities and potentials, one will be able to increase one's sense of worth and confidence.
 
So what is important here is, again, a very skillful approach, an approach that is most suited and appropriate to one's own mental faculties, disposition, and interests. As an analogy, suppose one needs to get another person from one town to another quite far away, and suppose that person is not very courageous. If one tells him or her about the difficulties, then the person may feel totally discouraged and disheartened or lose hope and think, "Oh, I'll never get there." However, one can achieve the purpose through more skillful means, leading that person step by step, first by saying, "Oh, let us go to this town," and then once there, saying, "Oh, let's go to the other town." This is also analogous to our educational system. Although our aim may be to go to the university and get a higher education, we cannot start right from there. We have to begin at the primary level, where we start with the alphabet and so on. As one progresses, then one will go to the next stage, and the next, and so on. In this way, one will be able to reach the ultimate aim...
 

Excerpts from Healing Anger: The Power of Patience from a Buddhist Perspective, by The Dalai Lama. Copyright (c) 1997. Reprinted by permission of Snow Lion Publications, Ithaca, NY. For more information, go to www.snowlionpub.com.

 

I need you dear friends!!!!!   

[Lupita]

Psychologist Dr. Robin Smith says Najee's negative self-image wasn't caused by teasing and name-calling…his mother's self-hatred is actually the root of the problem.

Without realizing it, Tangela allowed the wounds she suffered as a child affect the way she raised her son, Dr. Robin says. Instead, Tangela should have asked God to heal her of her own self-hatred instead of praying for a light-skinned child.

"You love your son. That I know. And he loves you, and I see that," Dr. Robin says. "But his biggest wounder, and lover, has been you. His biggest wounder has been you, because you prayed before he was even outside of your womb, 'God, change him.'"Dr. Robin cites the fact that when Tangela discusses her son's beauty, she mentions his teeth…not his skin tone. "What you didn't talk about is the beauty of that brown skin," she says. "And I wouldn't expect yet that you could do it because you don't know yourself, in this moment, that you're beautiful."

Although Tangela says her family never made her feel self-conscious about her dark skin, Dr. Robin says someone close to her must have caused the wounds that she carried into adulthood. "Only somebody who's close to you can cause that kind of injury," Oprah says.

Before Tangela can help her son, Dr. Robin says she has to help herself. "The work is to identify where your self-hatred really begins," she says. "You want to communicate something to him? You've got to communicate it to you. You want to educate him about his beauty? You've got to educate yourself."Asian standards of beauty »

[Lupita]

Sound absurd?
After years of trying to love myself and not being very successful, I set out to do something different. I thought, "since I'm already self-hating, I might as well follow where the energy is naturally going". One part of me thought that was preposterous and perhaps even dangerous. Yet, another part of me resonated with the truth of what was. Intrigued by this bizarre option, I experimented with allowing myself to hate myself. I had no idea what was to come, and come it did.

The title is not meant to imply "it's spiritual to self hate", it means that exploring self-hate can be part of the path to becoming spiritual. By diverting our attention away from self hating thoughts, we perpetuate self-hatred because we are hating the hateful thoughts!

This paper was originally written with a psychotherapeutic bend (replete with clinical references), but is also written in plain English and easily understood by lay people.

In this paper I talk about the sources of self-hatred and how self-hatred manifests in peoples lives in troublesome ways. Ways of working with self-hatred both on one's own and with alternative therapeutic modalities are proposed. My experience is that self-love is a natural outcome of exploring self-hatred, and that one of the ways to experience the Universal Creative Force is to fully immerse oneself into that which keeps one from God: one's own self-hatred.

A cautionary note: Consciously exploring your own self-hatred can elicit strong feelings and emotions; it is not for the weak of heart (we call it ego strength). As with any personal growth work, I recommend that you have a support network as a bare minimum and optimally, to be working with a psychotherapist, counselor or spiritual teacher whom you trust.

With Strength, Intention and Willingness on your Healing Journey!
Wally Phillips, M.A.

 

[Lupita]

Adapted from LovingKindness, by Sharon Salzberg (Shambhala, 1995). Come meet author Sharon Salzberg at her Lovingkindness Workshop at the Omega Institute October 9 - 14 (www.eomega.org).

Do you sometimes hate yourself, and feel unworthy? How do we get this way? Cultivating the mistaken concept of a permanent self leads to aversion in the form of self-hatred or judgment. When we see the self as a fixed entity, we develop a strong habit of mind that drives our lives, and that habit of mind takes center stage all the time. If through our practice we can see the impersonal nature of the forces that arise and pass away, we experience a very different reality. Aversion is like a rainstorm, arising and passing away. It is not I, not me, not mine. It is not you or yours, either.

Self-hatred impedes the flowering of our practice. Here is what the Dalai Lama has to say about it (and don’t worry, it won’t shame you into hating yourself more):

When somebody asked the Dalai Lama, at the Insight Meditation Society in 1979, “I am a beginning meditation student and I feel quite worthless as a person. What can you say about that?” The Dalai Lama replied, “You should never think like that; that is completely wrong thinking. You have the power of thought, and therefore the power of mind, and that is all you need.” He was recognizing that we all have the potential for enlightenment, and therefore we should not denigrate that capacity by saying we are worthless.

[Lupita]

Find Healing By Overcoming Self-hatred
***
Overcoming Self-hatred
Step 1. The First Question
Are you being troubled by the issue of self-hatred?
Yes, I am troubled.
No, I am not troubled.


Overcoming Self-hatred
Step 2. Talk About How Self-hatred Impacts Your Life
Now we want you to type in the box below how self-hatred influences your life.

As you type into the box below, remember God can not only read what you type, but most importantly, He can also read what is in your heart. For your privacy, no one knows what you type except you and God. We do not read or receive any communication from your computer as a result of what you type. What you express in Healing Pages is only between you and God. As you type in your comments about the influence of self-hatred in your life, try to actually see, hear, imagine, believe, and feel God working. Take as much time as you want. Write as much as you want. God is reading, listening, caring, and working.
OK, I am ready to write.


To help you get started: If your self-hatred were to go on and on and get worse, describe how your self-hatred would influence your life. Describe how your self-hatred would make you act and feel if the issue would go on and on. Say everything you want to say about the influence of self-hatred upon your life now and how the influence of self-hatred can impact your life in the future if things stay the same as they are now or things get worse. Take as much time as you want. Write as much as you want about the influence of self-hatred upon your life.
Top of Form 1

Bottom of Form 1
OK, I am finished writing about my issue of self-hatred.


Overcoming Self-hatred
Step 3. Another Question
Has the issue or issues associated with self-hatred been bothering you enough that you would like, with God's help, to overcome the influence of self-hatred now?
Yes, I want, with God's help, to overcome the influences of self-hatred upon my life.
No, I do not want to overcome the influences of self-hatred upon my life.


Overcoming Self-hatred
Step 4. Your Willingness to Let Go of the Issue
We encourage you to overcome your self-hatred by letting go. We encourage you to surrender the influence of self-hatred upon you. We encourage you to surrender the influences up to God. We encourage you to release the grip of self-hatred upon you and let the power of your self-hatred be placed into the hands of God. We encourage you to let the impact and the influence of self-hatred float away into the hands of God. We encourage you to keep the influence of self-hatred upon your life away from you forever as God brings His healing power over you this minute. OK

Overcoming Self-hatred
Step 5. Your Ability To Let Go Of The Issue
You have decided you are really and truly willing to let go or surrender up to God the influence of self-hatred in your life. Now we ask you if you are able to let go and surrender at least a small portion of your burden associated with the influence of self-hatred in your life. Do you feel or do you believe you are now able to let go or surrender up to God at least a small amount of your burden associated with the influence of self-hatred in your life? If your answer is "Yes", click "Yes" below. If your answer is "No", click "No" below.
Yes, I am able to surrender at least a small portion of the burden I carry as a result of self-hatred.
No, I am not able to surrender at least a small portion of the burden I carry as a result of self-hatred.

Overcoming Self-hatred
Step 6. Deciding How Much You Want To Surrender Or Let Go
For our exercise we are going to give you 60 total units of burden associated with your having to live with the influence of self-hatred. Of the 60 total units of burden you are carrying right now as a result of self-hatred, how many of those 60 units do you really and truly feel are you willing to give up or surrender to God? In the next step, out of the 60 total units of burden you carry right now, type in the number of units you want to give up or surrender up to God. Now click OK to proceed. OK


Overcoming Self-hatred
Step 7. State How Much You Want To Surrender Or Let Go
Top of Form 1
At the present moment, you carry a burden of units out of a total of 60 units. Type in the number of units of your burden you will surrender out of the 60 total units you carry right now.
"I want to surrender, so I will give up >>> units of my burden."
Now click OK. OK
Bottom of Form 1


Overcoming Self-hatred
Step 8. Actually Let Go Of The Issue
Top of Form 1
You have decided to give up units of your burden and you still have units of your burden left to carry. Here is how your surrendered burden, and the burden you still carry looks on a graph.
Burden I've Decided
To Give Up..............................   Burden I Still Have
..........................................To Carry


Now Healing Pages invites you to actually let go or surrender up to God units of the influence of self-hatred upon your life. We invite you to actually let go or surrender right now.
OK, I surrender up my burden now. Click OK
Bottom of Form 1
Overcoming Self-hatred
Step 9. Give Yourself Credit
Congratulations. Give yourself credit for surrendering and letting go of these units of your burden in life associated with self-hatred.
God loves you for taking this time to give up or surrender your burden up to Him. Give yourself credit for bringing your self-hatred in confession and honesty before God. At this very minute, because you were willing to trust God enough to surrender up to Him, God is pouring His blessings over you. It is wonderful to trust God as you have done. In humility, receive God's love in place of your burden. God received your burden and God sends His love back to you in return. In humility, receive God's power within you. Because you were humble and willing to trust Him, God sends His power into your heart and life to replace your burden.
OK, I RECEIVE GOD'S POWER AND I RECEIVE GOD'S LOVE
***
Overcoming Self-hatred
Step 10. Feeling Gratitude And Giving Thanks
Now that you have given yourself credit for letting go, feel gratitude for letting go of these units of the effects of self-hatred upon your life.
Experience thanksgiving within you. God has honored you, loved you, and received from you the burden you have surrendered up to Him. Let your gratitude and thanksgiving flow up from your heart into Heaven above.
OK, I GIVE THANKS AND FEEL GRATITUDE
***
You Have Overcome. You Have Surrendered.
Step 11. Surrendering More Of Your Burden
You have surrendered or given up to God. You have released. You have let go. Now that you have made this progress, if you have any burden left, and you would like to give up or surrender more of your burden, then click "Yes". If you have surrendered up all of your burden, then click "No".
"Yes, I want to surrender or give up to God even more of my current burden." Please click "Yes"
"No, I have surrendered up or given up as much as I can right now." Please click "No".
***
Preserve Your Healing: Describe How Things Are Right Now
Step 1
Describe The State Of Your Heart, Mind, And Soul Right Now As A Result Of Your Healing
Top of Form 1

Bottom of Form 1
OK, I have written my description of the state of my heart, mind, and soul right now as a result of my healing.
***
Preserve Your Healing: Be Willing To Remember Or Recreate What Is In Your
Heart, Mind, And Soul Right Now
Step 2
Are you willing to remember and if need be, recreate the present state of your heart, mind, and soul as an antidote if the issue of self-hatred should ever try to reassert itself?
Yes, I am willing to remember or recreate the present state of my heart, mind, and soul if need be.
***
Preserve Your Healing: Be Able To Remember Or Recreate
Step 3
Are you able to remember or recreate the present state of your heart, mind, and soul as an antidote if the issue of self-hatred should ever try to reassert itself?
Yes
No
***
Preserve Your Healing: Recreating
Step 4
You need to be willing to recreate the present state of your heart, mind, and soul as an antidote if the issue of self-hatred should ever try to reassert itself. In addition to returning to this Healing Page, what else do you think you can you do to recreate the present state of your heart, mind, and soul?
Top of Form 2

Bottom of Form 2
OK, I have stated what I else I can do to recreate the present state of my healed heart, mind, and soul.
***
Preserve Your Healing: Commitment To Recreating
Step 5
Will you commit yourself to recreating the present state of your present heart, mind, and soul as an antidote if the issue of self-hatred should ever try to reassert itself?
Yes, I will commit myself to recreating the present state of my heart, mind, and soul
No, I will not commit myself to recreating the present state of my heart, mind, and soul.
***
Preserve Your Healing: Give Yourself Credit
Step 5
Congratulations. Give yourself credit for committing to remembering or recreating the present state of your heart, mind, and soul as a result of your healing connected to your issue of self-hatred.
God loves you for taking this time to commit yourself to remember or recreate your present heart, mind, and soul. Give yourself credit for committing your life to doing the right thing associated with your self-hatred. At this very minute, because you were willing to trust God enough with your issue, God is pouring His blessings over you and He will help you remember this moment, and if need be, recreate this moment in the future.
OK, I GIVE MYSELF CREDIT AND RECEIVE GOD'S BLESSINGS
***
Preserve Your Healing: Feel Gratitude And Give Thanks
Step 6
Now that you have given yourself credit for taking action to preserve your healing, feel gratitude for making this commitment.
Experience thanksgiving within you. God has honored you, loved you, and received from you the burden you have surrendered up to Him. Let your gratitude and thanksgiving flow up from your heart into Heaven above.
OK, I GIVE THANKS AND FEEL GRATITUDE
***
Now That You Have Achieved Healing, Build A Personal Affirmation
Top of Form 3
I affirm, that when I have doubts about my present healing, I shall...


I affirm, that when I am tempted to go back to old ways, I shall...

I affirm, that when I feel weak, I shall...

I affirm, that when I turn selfish, I shall...

I affirm, that when I fall down, I shall...


OK, I have built my affirmation.
Bottom of Form 3
***
Now That You Have Achieved Healing, Make This Promise To God And To Yourself
I solemnly promise myself and I promise God that every time I encounter this issue I shall, to the best of my ability... 
OK, I have made my promise.
<FORM"
Bottom of Form 3
***
You have completed this healing page exercise. Is there another issue you would like to address?
Yes, there is another issue I would like to address. Click, "Yes" and you will be taken to the Healing Pages Index
No, there is no other issue I would like to address.
***
Thank you for taking the time to visit this healing page. Perhaps now is not the time for your healing to be completed. After some thought and prayer, please visit this healing page again if you wish to seek healing.
Return to Healing Pages Home Page. OK
Return to the top of this page to try again. OK
***
You may print this page on your printer by pressing Ctrl+P or using the Print command on your browser's File Menu tab.
Thank you for visiting this healing page. Please come back again and receive healing through Healing Pages. Click OK to return to the healing pages Home Page. OK

http://www.findthepower.com/HealingPages/HealingPagesSelfHatred.htm

[Lupita]

Self-hatred
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
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Self-hatred, self-loathing, also sometimes autophobia refers to an extreme dislike of oneself, or being angry at oneself. The term is also used to designate a dislike or hatred of a group to which one belongs. For instance, 'ethnic self-hatred' is the extreme dislike of one's ethnic group. Accusations of self-hatred are often used as an ad hominem attack.

The term 'self-hatred' is used infrequently by psychologists and psychiatrists, who would usually describe people who hate themselves as 'persons with low self-esteem'. Some people think that self-hatred and shame are important factors in some or many mental disorders, especially disorders that involve a perceived defect of oneself (e.g. body dysmorphic disorder). "Ethnic self-hatred" is considered by some people as being a cultural issue, to which psychological theories have limited relevance.

Contents [hide]
1 Types of self-hatred
1.1 Personal self-hatred
1.2 Self-injury as self-hatred
2 See also
3 References
 


[edit] Types of self-hatred
The term self-hatred can refer to either a strong dislike for oneself, one's actions, or a strong dislike or hatred of one's own race, gender, nationality, sexual orientation et cetera. When used in the latter context it is generally defined as hatred of one's identity based on the demographic in question, as well as a desire to distance oneself from this identity.


[edit] Personal self-hatred
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Personal self-hatred and self-loathing can result in an inferiority complex. Some sociology theorists such as Jerry Mander see television programming as being deliberately designed to induce self-hatred, negative body image, and depression, with the advertising then being used to suggest the cure [1]. See also the arguments related to the Kill your television phenomenon.

[edit] Self-injury as self-hatred
Self-harm is a psychological disorder, which may involve self-hatred, where the subject feels compelled to physically injure themselves.


[edit] See also
Self-hating Jew

[edit] References
Is Black self-hatred racist? John Carlson, Knight Ridder/Tribune News Service, Feb. 9 1994.
Sander L. Gilman Difference and Pathology: Stereotypes of Sexuality, Race and Madness Cornell University Press, 1985
Retrieved from "http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self-hatred"

[Lupita]

Self-hate is the most insidious and pervasive problem we all have. Self-hate underlies most patterns, and rules most relationships. The patterns springing from it can manifest in a wide variety of ways. That's because self-hate hides so well, and has the ability to co-opt other patterns for its use.

Remember, the purpose of a pattern is twofold: to mask the real feelings/pain we hold, and to play out or create the reality of the beliefs within the pattern. (See How Patterns Work for more on this.)

At the base of the self-hate patterns are a feeling of deep unworthiness. So the pattern must find ways to both hide the real feelings, and also play them out in reality in some way. If reality doesn't fit what self-hate believes is true, the pattern will cause us to do something that will sabotage our success. Whether it's self-sabotage or getting others to participate in our downfall, the self-hate patterns can be quite creative in finding ways to make reality fit the "I am bad" picture.

This is difficult to understand, to believe that we would be so perverse as to purposely create self-harming realities! But it's also a testament to our innate power to create.

HOW SELF-HATE PATTERNS FORM: Blaming and Shaming

 There are two parts to the formation of self-hate patterns. The first is BLAME, which usually originates with judgments in the mind/spirit.

When we are children, before we have an understanding of "self" vs. "other", we are particularly open and vulnerable to the input of those around us. We form our sense of self based on how we are treated. We can both be imprinted at the emotional level (made to feel bad), and the mental level (taught judgments of good/bad and right/wrong). But it doesn't matter if the judgments came from our parents, teachers, friends, church, or if they originated with something within our own self. The point is that our mind believes the judgments and takes on the role of carrying out the sentencing. This means part of the self is actively blaming another part of the self. Self-blame is the hate part of self-hate.

The second part of the picture involves the soul. The soul receives the judgment/blame as feelings of SHAME.


Shame can be thought of as the energetic opposite of hate. The shape of hate is outward, forward, convex, active. The shape of shame is inward, concave, passive. Shame causes us to abdicate our own space. Shame says we deserve bad things, do not deserve good things. When we feel shame, we shrink, we give over, we collapse.
Shame doesn't always come from feeling judged. We may feel remorse and regret over having hurt someone we love, or having neglected them in some way. This is not a judgment sourcing from the mind, but pain that comes from the heart and soul. When you love someone you don't want them to be hurting. And when you are the one who causes them to hurt, you feel remorse, regret, and that turns to shame. Remorse and regret can be cried though, and we can always make things right with the ones we have hurt. If we can't make it right with them personally, we can make it right spiritually and energetically, and that energy will reach them on another level. And we can commit to never doing that kind of harm again.


Note: Guilt and self-hate are not the same thing, but are tightly intertwined. Guilt comes from outside ourselves and occupies the space we give up when we feel shame. Guilt pushes on our shame, makes us feel worse. That's when we say we feel guilty, but we are actually feeling shame. The test? Guilt doesn't cry. It can't be healed. Shame does cry, and it can be healed. The only way to move guilt out is to cry our shame and take back our space.
Through the blame and shame process, conclusions are drawn that form our belief system with the concrete belief "I am bad" at the foundation. And then we don't fight back when bad things happen because, after all, that's what we deserve. Or, we fight back while at the same time knocking ourselves down.


TWO OTHER IMPORTANT CONTRIBUTORS --

There are two other ways that self-hate patterns can be formed, or contributed to. Usually when we see a person with self-hate as a LIFE pattern, they have a combination of the shame/blame, and one or both of the additional problems here. Knowing these things makes it a little easier to heal. Although sometimes we don't know the source until we begin to cry the pain.

 1. Rage in Conversion: This is not actually self-hate. It's what we call a conversion. It actually begins as a thwarted rage response to something external.

When we are hurt, frightened, threatened or left with unmet needs, when we have been mistreated or abused, we are naturally and spontaneously angry about it. If we have no self-hate/self-doubt, then we automatically feel that the hurt or neglect is UNFAIR! And both our soul and spirit try to make sense of the hurting. The deeply felt response from the core of a self-loving being is "why is this happening to me"? "Why did you hurt me, terrify me, leave me?" etc.

If the hurt/fear/anger is allowed to cry at the moment, it heals and dissipates, and the quest for the cause expands to greater understandings, as well as greater abilities to get out of the hurtful situation. But when the rage is not allowed to cry, especially if it is suppressed with threats of MORE violence, it builds up a compressed energy charge. Compressed energy eventually becomes like a volcano that MUST blow. Energy must go somewhere. But when it tries to express outwardly, it hits a wall and has nowhere to go but back in on itself. Then the quest for a "reason" turns inward, as does the rage at being mistreated. The mind builds a rigid belief that says "I deserve this", and soul feels the rage that is twisting and turning back inward. The soul responds with shame and alarm. Is this my fault? Did I cause this? It becomes a twisted pretzel at this point, and we can no longer separate "hate you" from "hate me". Rage has converted itself into self-hate.

How to know if you are holding converted rage? When you begin to cry this pain, it may begin as shame or inward self-hate feelings. But eventually (sometimes immediately) it becomes the outward rage that it was meant to be, and you'll find yourself crying rage/hatred AT somebody or some situation. Then you may go back to crying something inward and self-focussed. Back and forth. This is the pretzel, untwisting itself, and dissipating the compressed energy charge of the rage.


2. Taking In Other People's Hatred: This is a very difficult, but very common way that self-hate forms. It is difficult, because at the root of it is the feeling of being hated. We usually receive this kind of hatred when we are open and boundary-less. Children receive hatred from others all the time, and never know that it's not their own. The hatred coming from another person is actually taken in and held deep within the soul. We have called this the DarkDeath, because that's how it feels when you hold another person's hatred energy within yourself.

The feeling of being hated is horrible and horrifying. There is nothing like it. For the soul it's an experience like death. Several things happen:

The soul responds to being hated with extreme shame. It's a feeling like being socked in the gut, and we energetically cave in around the wound, which is generally in our heart and stomach area.


We feel terror of it happening again. And terror hates to be in a state of anticipation, desperately wants to know what happened and how to prevent it from happening again. Terror begins a scramble to "be good", in whatever ways it seems may keep hatred from hitting us again. Yin energy people commonly present this way.


We feel rage at the unfairness of it. We may try to "prove" how wrong the hatred is, or we may try to prove how right it is, by acting out our complete and total "badness". Yang energy people will commonly present this way.


Since its origins are not in the mind, we may not be able to understand why we continually feel so unworthy and hated. And we may not be able to distinguish this feeling from our own self-hate. When we take in hatred from another person, we feel it as our own. We own it, even though it is not ours. Mind tries to understand why we are being hated. Mind may form elaborate constructs to explain the feelings. Mind concludes we must have done something to cause it, and begins to act in collusion with the hatred. And so the blame/shame cycle begins.

The bottom line here is that this outside hatred we call the DarkDeath cannot be rationalized or fixed. And it cannot be cried. You cannot cry and heal what does not belong to you. What we can cry is the result. We can cry our response to this hatred, the pain of feeling hated. We can cry the anger at how unfair it feels, we can cry the heartbreak and the sadness. But the hatred we are holding here cannot cry and heal. It must be released and given back to its rightful home.

Why Do We Hold It? Usually we receive this hatred when we are vulnerable and lacking in boundaries, and before we have an understanding of Self vs. Other. So we often don't know that this hatred does not belong to us. In addition, if we live with constant abuse, then we are also imprinted with the belief that we MUST NOT FORM BOUNDARIES or say NO to the abuse, that we must stay open to "what we deserve". Our Belief System then says we deserve this, and that we must continue to accept it and hold it. Staying open to another person's hatred then, becomes the pattern for our lives. We may not have always known how to hold against this hatred. We may not have been able to form boundaries or say no to it. But we can change this now. We CAN give the hatred back. We can form boundaries to prevent ever taking in more hatred again. And we can heal the wounds the hatred created in our soul.

The Patterns in Action

Self-hate patterns tend to act out either the blame or the shame, depending on whether we are primarily yin or yang polarized. Yin people will generally act out their self-hate passively. Generally they let other people do the hating, and they mostly feel only the shame. Yang people will be more actively self-hating and self-sabotaging. Their patterns tend to act out on the self. If they do try to draw others into harming them or create dangerous situations, it will be done in colorful and dramatic ways. The flamboyant and visible self-hater is usually a yang energy person.

That doesn't mean they don't both have shame and blame, it simply means that yin and yang polar people deal with the feelings differently. Both the shame and the blame need to be dealt with in order for self-hate patterns to truly heal.

As we said above, self-hate can manifest in many ways, and can use other patterns to act out. For instance, people with self-hate as their LIFE pattern, might run simultaeous addiction patterns, judging patterns, as well as several of the patterns below.

The Doormat - This is actually one of the Powerless Patterns, commonly co-opted by self-hate. The Doormat literally lets everybody walk all over them. They may feel they have no value in the world, or they may place their value in how MUCH they're getting walked on, and how WELL they can take it. In this way, the pattern both outpictures unworthiness, and avoids the real feelings of unworthiness, because the person can tell themselves they have value because they're being self-less and generous and caring of other's feelings. What they're actually doing is negating their own needs and rights (and often boundaries and property) and allowing others to occupy the space they should keep for themselves by divine right.

The Punching Bag - Usually a yin pattern. The Punching Bag believes physical pain/punishment is inevitable. They anticipate the blows, and like a dog that has been beaten, goes into a submissive stance before a hand can even be raised. When the blows come, there's a sense of relief. Waiting and anticipating it creates horrible fear and tension, and often this pattern will do something to provoke an "incident". Make no mistake here, we do not blame the victim for their patterns. But half the battle of breaking these patterns is recognizing how they are acting out in our lives, even when we don't consciously want what they bring us. When this pattern is found in yang people, it usually lends itself to sado-masochistic rituals where the physical pain is actively sought out and agreed to by the "submissive" partner.

The Garbage Can - Like the Punching Bag, this pattern acts out in what it allows others to do TO us, but usually it stays in the verbal and emotional realm. The Garbage Can literally allows themselves to be "dumped on" by everybody and anybody. Husbands, wives, bosses, even children are allowed to scoff, scorn, belittle, put down, make fun of, rage at and blame the Garbage Can for anything that goes wrong. It's amazing how easily we fall into patterns of accepting this kind of abuse. We may excuse it because it's not physical. But it is still abuse, and the effects are JUST as harmful. NOTE: Blaming the "abuser" doesn't help you get free of the pattern. What is needed here is to deal with the self-hate and shame that leaves the door open or draws these things to you. It's the only way to be really and truly free and in charge.

The Martyr - The various manifestations of the Martyr pattern are often co-opted by self-hate. Sacrifices that are not appreciated and that end with rejection are primary with this pattern. The Fool is a good example of this.

The Bad Girl/Boy - Most commonly taken on by yang polar people. The Bad Girl/Boy plays the social outcast, the whore, the criminal, the Incorrigible One. Their yang energy makes them defiant in their "badness", and they often flaunt it in outrageous ways. They can even feel superior to the "good" people and make a big show of pretending they don't care about being accepted. But the truth is that they do care, and deep down they believe they will never be accepted.

The Self-Mutilator - This pattern can act out in many ways. The act of cutting, burning or pounding your own flesh is both active and passive. It fulfills both the hate and the shame, and that makes it extremely addictive and seductive. Hiding the activity is part of the shame, so one of the best things you can do with this pattern is tell somebody.

The "Accident Prone" - This pattern takes the person and causes frequent "accidents" and injuries that can range from little bumps and bruises to broken bones and critical, near-death injuries. This is not usually a conscious thing! Although there may be some who consciously choose self-injury, most "accident prone" people are operating from an unconscious pattern that literally works in their bodies and lives to cause falls and burns and explosions. Although unconscious, there is a pay-off with this pattern, which can make it very addictive. The sympathy you get when you're recovering from an injury is attention you may never get at any other time. Since you secretly believe you don't deserve this kind of attention, the price must be paid ahead of time, in physical pain.

The Lonely One - Like the Bad Girl/Boy, this pattern is the social outcast. But unlike the yang energy people who carry their Bad Girl/Boy status like a badge, the Lonely Ones are often never seen. They are Alone. They feel (and sometimes are) invisible. They speak with soft voices that nobody really hears. They never seem to find love and even family relationships are outside their reach. They long for companionship and love and warmth and sharing. But they don't believe they deserve it or can ever find it. They walk alone, and they believe they will always be alone, forever.

The Great One - This is the pendulum swing into grandiosity in the person who is trying desperately to avoid how totally value-less they feel. They push their self-hate away, stuff it into a corner of the attic, and walk through life in the Better-Than illusion. Everything is GREAT! They've overcome it all, have no problems, and in fact, are doing better than most other people! They may pretend they're not doing it, but a secret voice is running all the time, running the Judgment Pattern as a means of keeping their own self-hate at bay. Often this pattern is so successful at creating the illusion of Big and Great and Wonderful and Oh-So-Powerful, that everybody in the person's life is fooled. The crash, when it comes, is usually heavy and deeply devastating.

That Critical Voice - This isn't so much a pattern as a constant running critical energy in the background. We may not hear it during the day when we are active and busy. It may only come to our awareness at quiet times, like when we're preparing for sleep, or trying to meditate. This is when self-hate brings forth all the things that it has been saving up, all the things we have ever done or said that we feel bad about. It may replay old scenes and conversations when you said something stupid or caused someone pain. It may simply list the dumb things you did that day. If you start to feel too good about yourself, it will drag something really big out of the closet, something it has been saving up for just this occasion, something that will really remind you how stupid/wrong/bad/crazy you are. Getting this voice to shut up is very hard. You can use any number of techniques - affirmations, meditation, getting busy, getting drunk - but the only thing that stops it entirely is to cry the shame that is triggered by the voice. When you're done crying the shame from something, you can check it off the list and tell the voice, "There, you can't lash me with THAT one anymore!"

RELATED PAGES:

http://www.cyquest.com/pathway/patterns_self_hate.html

[Lupita]

Healing Self-Hate
See also: : Self-Hate Patterns - What They Are & How They Form

Do you love me?
Do you love me?
Do you LOVE me?
Then why can't I feel it?
 



Self-hate is evident in everyone on this planet. A broad statement, yes, but we believe this to be true. To one degree or another, everyone has lack of self-acceptance, lack of self-love.

Feelings of unworthiness are at the root of the self-hate patterns. Self-hate keeps us from feeling loved by another. We are frozen in unworthiness, often battering away at the stone with affirmations and behaviors to try to feel better about ourselves. We exercise and diet and build careers and seek power or fame. We wear makeup and hair gel and cologne, trying to hide the awful people we "know" we are deep inside. We seek lover after lover, trying to feel loved and special and valuable . . . but we never really FEEL it. We drink and drug and sex, trying to dull the pain at the core of our bones that says "unworthy".

The only way to heal the dark demon at the center of the SELF is to allow the feelings of self-loathing expression, in a safe place, and hopefully with someone who loves and can listen without judging.

Healing Self-Hate 

The antidote to self-hate is not self-love. You cannot simply choose self-love. This is not a true understanding of the workings of the soul. Change by choice only happens in the mind and spirit. We cannot just jump to self-acceptance. No matter how much you change your mind or beliefs or attitudes, you will still have the backlog hidden in your attic, and that will sabotage your life no matter how blind you try to be to it.

The pain held in the unconscious lives on until it is given expression in the way IT needs to express. Emotional essence needs to express in emotional ways. That is why we say that Tool 2: Crying is the most important of our healing tools.

Self-love is not the antidote. It is the RESULT, the evolutionary landing point, that comes naturally after healing has taken place. And it cannot be forced by mind's decisions.

However, the mind *does* have an important role to play in the healing of self-hate. As with forgiveness, rage, and other difficult healings, we must set an intention to heal, and that begins in the mind or spirit. When you set the intention to love yourself you are purposely and consciously setting the stage for change. That doesn't mean painting over the surface with false self-love or phony self-lessness. It means stating a desire and intention . .. and then going deeply into the feelings under the surface and allowing them to cry all the way to healing.

Mind holds the intent for self-love, and that includes love for all the parts of the self. That means holding space for the feelings to express, as much as they need to, as long as they need to, and as deeply as they need to. Mind listens. Mind accepts. Mind waits for the feelings to shift and change all by themselves. Mind does not dictate when this will happen, or how long it will take. Mind just holds the space for it to happen. As the stage manager, Mind / Consciousness sets the tone, the lights, the colors. And then steps back and allows feelings to enter the stage to share their pain and experiences and memories.


Why Is It So Hard to Heal?

Self-hate is one of the most difficult patterns to get people to face or see in themselves, and some of the most difficult feelings to get hold of to cry and heal. It's a slippery little sucker. The ways self-hate will act out to avoid really feeling the pain are too numerous to list here. Even approaching the self-hate can trigger it into knee-jerk survival terror. Sometimes shining just the tiniest bit of light on a self-hate pattern will cause the pattern to explode -- you may find yourself sliding down into a hugely maudlin self-hate/shame spiral, or lashing out in blaming ways at others. Self-hate can be very much like a festering sore . . . even the slightest touch can trigger waves and waves of overwhelming pain that we believe we must not feel / cannot survive, and send us into ginormous knee-jerk responses.

One thing to remember here is that the purpose of the pattern is to keep the real feelings from surfacing. The more we act it out, the less we actually FEEL it. And the self-hate pattern often takes on a survival mask at this point, and acts to keep itself intact. Any attempt to push through the barrier will only cause it to fortify itself, act out more and more, and become harder and more difficult to penetrate.

Real Survival Terror

There is also a true feeling of self-survival that can make self-hate difficult to heal.

We know, instinctively, that if we fall headlong into the feelings underlying the self-hate pattern, we'll eventually hit a place that says "I don't deserve to live", which equates at the root level to "DIE DIE DIE". Our survival fear says if we touch those feelings, we will actually begin to die, either passively or actively. So our survival instinct kicks in to stay far away from the self-hate feelings, and actually assists the patterns in suppressing the real feelings.

This is especially true for yang energy people. The feelings of giving up / going down / death /dying are entirely unacceptable to the yang energy. These feelings go against their very nature. Many yang polarized people have pushed the yin essence holding self-hate out of themselves to the point where it has fragmented and they are no longer aware of feeling hopeless or self-hating. They may then turn and feel superior toward those who are on self-destructive paths or stuck in self-hating ruts.

The First Step In Healing

The first thing we must know is that it IS possible to heal these feelings without letting them take us down to death.

Because we have not always understood how the emotions heal, most of us have never had the experience of allowing full expression, and seeing the evolution that can happen following a good long heartful cry. Until you have the experience of this, you will have to take our word for it. It IS true. Emotions can evolve and heal.

Mostly our past experience with self-hate has been entirely negative, purely an exercise in acting out a pattern. This means that for many people, the first problem will be getting through the barrier of fear that says, if I go there, I'll die, it will take me down to death. Allowing this fear to cry first will open the stage up a bit, and make some space for the self-hate feelings to come to the surface.

Interrupting the Pattern

It is extremely easy to fall into the negative thought patterns of self-hate, and so it's important to have some tools to interrupt the ways that mind acts in collusion with self-hate. We have to interrupt that negative self-talk. When the pattern starts running its litany of things you've done wrong, or ways you are unworthy, you need to have ways to stop the record from playing.

Of course, if you can, the best thing to do is let yourself cry at the moment you realize the pattern is playing. But sometimes it's so strong and so entrenched that it's hard, if not impossible to stop. Some things to try:

Do something different from your norm. Jump up and dance, do push-ups, throw paint on a wall, turn on some music that touches your heart. The idea here is not to distract you from your feelings, but to interrupt the critical voice that runs, to stop the round-robin rut that mind gets into. Always remember, getting to ignition is the goal.

Talk Back to it. This is one of the best techniques for getting past resistance. The self-hate pattern says, basically, "You suck". Try talking back to it. Say things like "I'm wonderful, I'm the most loveable and valuable person in the world!" Say it loud and with as much feeling as you can muster. What will happen, if you allow it, is the feelings of self-loathing will rise up. You'll feel it as an urge to laugh when you say these "ridiculous" things about yourself. Or you might feel it as anger, an angry voice that says "No, I'm not wonderful or loveable, I'm crap!" If you can let the feelings come further to the surface, they will begin to cry, either as grief-type self-loathing, or rage-type self-hate. Or both! Let it come, let it surface and cry, for as long as you can.

Talk WITH it. Similar to the method above, this one lets you take the maudlin self-hate pattern and exaggerate it, make it bigger and worse, as bad as you can possibly imagine. You may get some tears with this method also. Or it may just make you laugh, which is perfectly acceptable. It's one way to interrupt the pattern & stop the record from playing over and over again.

Release judgments, set goals & visualize.   The other tools we've offered are an important part of the healing process, and can come in handy here. Use Tool 3 and Tool 4 to set goals and release the old judgments and beliefs that mind holds. Visualize yourself as a worthy, powerful person. Write down self-loving affirmations and tack them to your walls and refrigerator doors. By doing these things you are setting the stage for self-love. And then be sure to allow the players to enter the arena, allow the parts that are feeling the pain of self-hate, blame and shame to speak and cry and remember.


Letting the Feelings Cry

Self-hate can be very difficult to cry. You may find yourself bouncing around between other feelings in an effort to get to the deep self-hate stuff. You may need to cry some survival terror first, in order to make room and have acceptance for the feelings that want to die. Or you may need to cry shame at HAVING self-hate, before you can get to the actual self-hate. The emotional barriers will be different for each person, depending on your processing modality, and your yin/yang orientation.

Yin/Yang orientation can also affect where you are most comfortable in the self-hate spectrum. For instance:

When I cry shame, it cries as a wail, a deep feeling of the heart caving in, a feeling of wanting to withdraw, go away, hide, even be dead. There may be sadness and fear laced throughout, fear of reprisals and condemnation. Yin people may tend to want to stay mostly in these feelings.

When I cry blame/hate, it cries as rage, with an active desire to hurt/harm. The fact that this desire to hurt/harm is aimed at the self makes it very difficult to own and feel. Yang people may tend to stay in these feelings.

It's important to keep the doors open to whatever you feel, and not to veto any part of the spectrum, if you can.

Regaining Heart - Almost always following a big spate of self-blame/hate crying, I go deeply into tears of heartbreak. If this happens to you, try not to stop the process or censor it in any way. What I've found is that the heart feels self-hate in the same hurtful way that it feels outside hate. It hurts. It breaks your heart. This means that one of the natural benefits of healing self-hate is that more of your heart will be able to come to the surface.

Role Playing - You may need to use some role-playing techniques to stir the feelings to the surface. Just be aware that resistance will be high for these feelings, and role-playing may send the self-hate pattern into overdrive. If you try role-playing and you feel frozen and shut-down instead of getting to tears, then that's not the best method for you to use. There is no one method that will work for everybody. And there is usually no one method that will work for you every time either. Resistance is clever and slippery, and patterns themselves help keep the tears suppressed. You'll need to be clever and patient, and persistent.

Imagining Love - One method that works for me almost every time is to imagine love. I imagine a loving presence - mother, father, lover, dog - and try to imagine them loving me. I try to feel them there for me, offering me warm hugs and understanding, asking me to tell them how I feel, inviting me to sit in the big comfy chair and put my head on their shoulder. This imagining usually triggers tears in short order. If I'm really stuck in self-hate, it's hard to imagine a loving presence, of course, but just the effort of doing so can trigger the tears of the feelings that say "I don't deserve that loving presence" or "I will never have anybody who loves me", or whatever the feelings are.

Shift Your Point of Awareness - I found it helpful to shift my point of awareness INTO the hate, and pretend that I was somebody else feeling it, hating "me". The first time this happened it was an accident. I had been experiencing the self-hate as a dark evil witch that wanted me dead. I was crying deeply in the shame and fear OF the hate, and suddenly I switched and became the witch. The imagery was much like the scene in the Wizard of Oz where Dorothy is captured in the castle. One part of me was Dorothy, and the hatred/blame was the Witch. I went back and forth between these two parts in my crying for quite some time, and was finally able to get the Witch incorporated into "me". I still use this technique occasionally whenever the self-hate is avoiding me.

Giving Hatred Back

If you think you might be holding somebody else's hatred, it's important to take steps to release it and let it go back to its rightful home. This can involve asking Fathergod/Mothergod (or angels or guides) for assistance. You should regularly request that anything that does not belong to you be taken from you. You actually don't have to know where it came from, who it belongs to, or where it's going when it leaves you. You can leave that up to the loving assistance of Father/Mother.

It may not be as easy as 1-2-3. There may be a long history of the external hatred intertwining with your own self-hate, and the unraveling may take some time and need to go in baby-step stages. You may have an unconscious desire to NOT release this hatred because - much like touching a deeply embedded splinter - jostling the place where it is held within means feeling the pain of the wound. Following a release of some of the hatred, you may find yourself flooded with your own pain and needing to cry shame and horror and heartbreak and so on. Only when you've finished crying your own wound will you actually feel some relief of having that DarkDeath-hatred removed.

Breathe In Love

Love cannot be felt when there is no space for it. We must vibrate the self-hate feelings, loosen guilt and let it leave, and then - WHEW - there is space to love, and feel loved. Each time you cry, be sure to fill your space with loving light. Ask for comfort, and love, and validation, and feel it filling in the space where you have freed up some of that frozen compressed pain. Take some deep, slow breaths and feel the love coming in. And then let yourself rest in the arms of love, and know that you are worthy and valuable.

 
http://www.cyquest.com/pathway/healing_self_hate.html

[Lupita]

Although I am doing this thread out of desperation, I know that something good will come out at the end. Hope so. Or at least I will come down and keep me "busy" and I put it in quotetion because I have dishes to wash, poems to read, exams to grade, house to clean, errans to run, supermarket ofr the week, bills to pay, and something to study for my medical dream. Also I have to exercise which I have not done lately for so much stress.
So, I am just trying to come down.

[Lupita]

Self-Hate


In Neurosis and Human Growth, Karen Horney explains how the pride
system generates self-hate.

"Briefly, when an individual shifts his center of gravity to his
idealized self, he not only exalts himself but also is bound to look
at his actual self -- all that he is at a given time, body, mind,
healthy and neurotic -- from a wrong perspective. The glorified self
becomes not only a phantom to be pursued; it also becomes a measuring
rod with which to measure his actual being. And this actual being is
such an embarrassing sight when viewed from the perspective of a
godlike perfection that he cannot but despise it. Moreover, what is
dynamically more important, the human being which he actually is
keeps interfering -- significantly -- with his flight to glory, and
therefore he is bound to hate it, to hate himself. And since pride
and self-hate are actually one entity, I suggest calling the sum
total of the factors involved by a common name: the pride system"
(Horney, 1950, pp. 110-11).


"Horney (1950) recognized six major ways in which people express self-
hatred. First, self-hatred may result in relentless demands on the
self, which are exemplified by the tyranny of the should" (Feist, pg.
256).

"The second mode of expressing self-hatred is merciless self-
accusation" (pg. 256).

"Third, self-hatred may take the form of self-contempt, which might
be expressed as belittling, disparaging, doubting, discrediting, and
ridiculing oneself" (pg. 256).

"A fourth expression of self-hatred is self-frustration" (pg. 256).

"Fifth, self-hatred may be manifested as self-torment or self-
torture. Although self-torment can exist in each of the other forms
of self-hatred, it becomes a separate category when people's main
intention is to inflict harm or suffering on themselves. Some people
attain masochistic satisfaction by anguishing over a decision,
exaggerating the pain of a headache, cutting themselves with a knife,
starting a fight that they are sure to lose, or inviting physical
abuse" (pg. 257).

"The sixth and final form of self-hatred is self-destructive actions
and impulses, which may be either physical or psychological,
conscious or unconscious, acute or chronic, carried out in action or
enacted only in the imagination. Overeating, abusing alcohol and
other drugs, working too hard, driving recklessly, and suicide are
common expressions of physical self-destruction. Neurotics may also
attack themselves psychologically, for example, quitting a job just
when it begins to be fulfilling,m breaking off a healthy relationship
in favor of a neurotic one, or engaging in promiscuous activities"
(pg. 257).


"Horney believes we can witness four consequences of self-hatred. One
is a compulsive need to compare self with others. Typically, the
result is a 'comparative inferiority'" (Cooper, pg. 136).

"Another consequence of self-hate is a hypersensitivity to criticism,
and hence, an excessive vulnerability in our relationships" (pg.
137).

"Still another consequence of self-hate is allowing too much abuse
from others" (pg. 137).

"The last consequence of self-hate is the compulsive need to
alleviate self-contempt with attention, regard, appreciation or
admiration from others" (pg. 139).

[Leah]

Thank you for this valuable thread (((( Lupita ))))

In Neurosis and Human Growth, Karen Horney explains how the pride
system generates self-hate.

I have every respect for Karen Horney.

Now, away I go to read through your insightful thread postings.

Love,

Leah

[Lupita]

Lea, Lea, I need you so much!!!!!!!!!!!!!

These are the moments that I need you all friends nice people.

I know that I am catasthrophysing, but it would be a catasthrophe if my son marries and have children and ruins his career bfore starting it.

[lighter]

I'm so glad you listed that, Lupita.

When I got to the last of it.....

"The last consequence of self-hate is the compulsive need to
alleviate self-contempt with attention, regard, appreciation or
admiration from others" (pg. 139).


You came to mind.

And I want to tell you.......

I believe you deserve appreciation, attention, regard and admiration.

You're human and all humans need empathy.... to relate to other beings in a meaningful way.

The self-contempt you hold needs to be dealt with.  

 It's real and there's no wishing it away.



You have your medical education,

you're a teacher and a musician.

A great dancer.... an athlethic woman.

You're a survivor of abuse and a mother tiger who would die to protect her son.

You left your country of origin.... that's a very brave step.

 A single parent (who's FOO continues to take huge bites out of your soul.)

You're also learning how to trust yourself and change your internal dialogue.

I believe that working towards that goal, like Amber has, will lead you there..... however slowly.


I believe in you and I hope you can start believing in yourself.

You've already accomplished things that many only dream of.  

Two steps forward.... one step back.  

Growing is a painful process......

inspired by pain.

There's no way around the fire....

we walk through it and try to stay on that uncomfortable path until we're clear of it.

Then.... we see with clarity.

We understand why.

We go forward with the wisdom all that pain left behind.

The pain = growth if we're willing to examine it.

You're doing that, Lupita.

Stay strong.... and know that you'll be strong again when you've fallen.

Belive it'll be OK.

Because it will.

Lighter  

[Leah]

You're human and all humans need empathy.... to relate to other beings in a meaningful way.

Absolutely!  I agree with full accord, Lighter.

Leah x