Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: sunblue on May 02, 2009, 09:51:10 PM

Title: Ugh! Mom's Day is Coming
Post by: sunblue on May 02, 2009, 09:51:10 PM: Yes, Mom's Day is fast approaching...although when you've been raised by an Nmom you realize quickly that EVERY day is Mom's Day and it sure is no holiday! No reason to celebrate. My Nom and extremely co-dependent dad will, of course, spend the festivities with my Nsister.....just as they spend every weekend and every evening (telephonically). I'm used to it....or should be by now...but still I feel those twinges when I see all the advertising, TV commercials, Hallmark cards of mothers and daughters.....or of mothers who "were always there" for their children....something I've never had...and certainly no daughter of an Nmom ever had.

I suppose it's still hard for me to swallow that an Nmom like mine feels no remorse whatsoever that she has no relationship with 2 of her 3 children....no sense of loss or sadness or regret. I also find it interesting that I am the only one in my family who feels this remorse and loss. A bit more of acceptance has come...or perhaps I have just learned to bury it better....

It's almost like I'm peeking through a window from the outside....and watching these people from afar....I've come to understand that I am living on a deserted island of a sorts...with no one looking for me or noticing that I'm gone......It just doesn't seem normal.....I know intellectually I did nothing to deserve this.....yet this is where I find myself......

What I have noticed more distinctly is that the results of being raised in an N family manifests itself clearly in both my professional and personal worlds. I am extremely sensitive to narcissistic colleagues and bosses and to selfishness in people, as a whole. I also realize that I have a very low tolerance for situations where attention is paid to others solely.....I find that I can no longer easily buy into that "look at me, look at me" attitude in others. And I can't help to have a fleeting thought of "wouldn't it be nice if someone looked or had looked at me for a bit?" But of course, that kind of thinking never helps anything.

Anyway, just thought I'd share....It seems like many people on this board have been able to move past this and Mother's Day probably doesn't mean much....but I still dread it.....

Sunblue
Title: Re: Ugh! Mom's Day is Coming
Post by: gratitude28 on May 02, 2009, 11:20:22 PM: I've been mucking through the Mother's Day thing as well... what to do and why bother??? But if I don't it will be awkward... I got a noncommittal card from me and the kids. I want to find something inexpensive but flashy, since she will look at it for a day and then toss it in with all the other shit she buys for herself and never uses but "had to have."
The one ting I can say, Sun, is that I am immensely thankful I am not the GC. My sister is so confused right now - seeing reality, but not wanting to accept it. We at least can see the truth and begin to accept our lives as they are. I think being the "odd man out" makes us stronger.
(((((((Sun))))))))
Title: Re: Ugh! Mom's Day is Coming
Post by: sunblue on May 02, 2009, 11:40:57 PM: Hi Gratitude:

Your description of the "flashy" gift you'll get for your mom made me laugh....because I can just picture it...and the whole scenario. I think I've begun to dread this holiday because it's such a public excuse for the Ns to be the center of attention in a public way......As for my gift giving plans......my mother is not the type who appreicates flash....but is extraordinarly picky...nothing pleases her (except if it comes from my sister). She is the least sentimental person I've ever met in my life....So as I have learned more about her Narcissism and see how she manifests it, it becomes increasingly difficult for me to even select a Hallmark card...They are all about how mothers and daughters are "best friends" or there for each other..etc...So I just now choose a very simple card with a one line message inside...pretty generic.

I did find it interesting that you say you don't envy the GC.....I have to admit I still envy my Nsis.....She's equally if not more sick than my Nmom....but still the attention she's always gotten has really helped her in her life.....It has allowed her to have the life she has now......has given her at least outward confidence which has netted her a life partner, a good career...physical possessions.......and of course, all the attention of my parents. In my case, I know my Nsis has not a shred of understanding about the sickness she and my Nmom share.....She thinks she's simply entitled to get all the attention.....My guess is she will never acknowledge the narcissism or the effects it has had on our family.....When my parents pass, my Nsis's supply will effectively be gone....although, not surprisingly she found a co-dependent partner who has been with her her entire adult life.....Such a typical pattern...

Well, I envy you that you have your own kids...so Mother's Day is not all about your mom...but hopefully it is about you too and your own family. I hope that despite what your Nmom does, you can have a lovely day in celebration of you and your role as a mom.....

Thank you for replying....Very kind of you......Sending you best wishes for a lovely Mom's day to come......
Title: Re: Ugh! Mom's Day is Coming
Post by: gratitude28 on May 03, 2009, 07:16:31 AM: What a sweet reply, Sun, thank you for reminding me that my children do make the holiday.

As for NM, no matter what I get her, she doesn't like it, so it really doesn't matter. But the cheap flash might "get" her for a minute - like a bass whe fishing lol.

Sun, are you still at home? How are things going? I think of you always when I work through the junk with my dad... I need to write about that soon...

Love, Beth
Title: Re: Ugh! Mom's Day is Coming
Post by: sKePTiKal on May 03, 2009, 12:28:56 PM: Yeah, I was picking out a card yesterday... and feeling horribly conflicted about sending a message that was (on my part) completely insincere.

On the front, it says: Got Kids?
Inside: Want one of mine? Wishing you a tantrum-free Mother's Day!

It was the best I could do... but it got me wondering how we'd all write mother's day cards for N-moms...

Like:

You're blinding me with your glorious presence... so if you don't mind, I'll just leave you to blaming everyone else for why adoring hordes of children aren't clamoring for more.

Or maybe, HELP! I'll never be as perfect as you, Mom... but that's OK; I'll find a way to deal with it. :D

Anyone else want to try writing a card for N-mom's Day?
Title: Re: Ugh! Mom's Day is Coming
Post by: BonesMS on May 03, 2009, 01:06:50 PM: To the NWomb-Donor of the Day:

I'm wishing myself a tantrum-free day from you! Enjoy your basking in your own self-reflected glory as you gaze, lovingly, at yourself in the mirror! I'm putting on my best sunglasses and leaving your august presence to enjoy myself elsewhere, you witch-with-the-B-word! May you rot in H3LL!

Bones
Title: Re: Ugh! Mom's Day is Coming
Post by: debkor on May 03, 2009, 04:01:01 PM: How about one of those singing cards….Mix Melody…

.We are Family I got all the toxins in it...dun,dun, dun, Set me free why don't you babe, get out of my life why don't you babe, you just keep me hanging on...

Dun, dun, dun….Now if there's a smile on your face
It's only there trying to fool the public
But when it comes down to fooling Me.
Now honey that's quite a different subject

You burden me with your questions
You forced upon me your lies
You're always asking what it's all about
But don't listen to my replies
You say to me I don't talk enough
But when I do I'm a fool
These times I've spent, I've realized
I'm going to shoot through
And leave you

The things, you say
Your purple prose just gives you away
The things, you say

YOUR UNBELIEVABLE
Hey Ho!!! Dun, dun, dun…..YOUR UNBELIEVABLE……

If you hate me after what I say
Can't put it off anymore
I just gotta tell you anyway

Bye bye baby, baby good-bye

For what is a man/woman, what has he/she got?
If not himself, then he has naught.
To say the things he truly feels;
And not the words of one who kneels.
The record shows I took the blows -

But now I’m doing it My Way!!!!!

dun, dun, dun, dun...

OW, I feel good da, naa, na, na na....Like I knew that I woudl...dun na, na, na.... So good, So good,

DUN DUN DUN.....

Freedom, Freedom,,,,,FEEEEDOM...Yeah....

AND DID IT MYYYYYYYY WAYYYYYY!!!!

Happy Mothers Day!

Love
Deb
Title: Re: Ugh! Mom's Day is Coming
Post by: Ami on May 03, 2009, 06:03:55 PM: On the outside of the card would be a riddle, "What is a curse on two feet"?On the inside would be a blank where you could fill in your Mother's name. Ami
Title: Re: Ugh! Mom's Day is Coming
Post by: sunblue on May 03, 2009, 08:10:26 PM: I love all of these! Hallmark definitely needs to start a new category of cards---the Personality Disorder category. I'd love to browse in that aisle of the store!

I haven't bought mine yet...I will opt for one of those very basic ones---a simple flower on the cover....a one-liner Have a good day inside......

One interesting tidbit....I used to select very sentimental, beautiful cards for Mother's Day....Then one year not too long ago, I realized how my feelings would never be reciprocated...and in browsing the card aisle, there just was no card that was truthful....I couldn't select one of those "Thanks for always being there", or "thanks for being my best friend" or "thanks for encouraging and supporting me along the way"....None of it was true...So, instead, I opted for a religious message....When she opened it, she was clearly surprised and not pleased.....although it was still a lovely sentiment...>But she was so used to having everyone remind her how wonderful and perfect she was.....

And, on another N note, my sister, the GC, who is very N herself, always selects the same type of card no matter the occasion. I'm sure you've all seen versions of it. It usually has Snoopy or charlie brown on the cover...and inside the message is always the same...Happy Mother's Day or Happy Birthday or Merry Christmas...from your favorite child....The first time you see one of those cards, it's slightly funny...but that's before you realize the true narcissism behind it. But then you figure out that it's not a joke to the sender...they really believe and insist on being the favorite...and of course it's true. They are the favorite. But it's just another example of an N not being able to pass up the opportunity to have the occasion be about THEM....and not the other person....

This year, my Nmom will spend the holiday with my Nsis...and she spent a couple of hours (begrudgingly) with my brother (who has a healthy family but who has made it clear everything has to be on his own terms). So it looks like I will just leave a generic card with a simple, non-sentimental gift with her next weekend...Ah yes, yet another happy family occasion in a narcissistic household.

:)

Hope all of you enjoyed this May Sunday......At least the weather is changing...too bad we can't say the thing about our N mothers :)

sun
Title: Re: Ugh! Mom's Day is Coming
Post by: sKePTiKal on May 04, 2009, 09:48:02 AM: Wow - the creativity you all responded with bowls me over! I like all of these suggestions.

The problem (I think) is a distilled version of the same thing we all feel at one time or another about celebrating Christmas, I think. It's supposed to be a very social, very happy time when we choose to give of ourselves to others we're close to. There is a lot of pressure to feel the "Christmas Spirit" (whatever that is... can't be just a single definition, can it?) But the reality of the situation - trying to squeeze additional time for shopping, decorating, baking, cooking meals, gatherings - into what is already a jam-packed normal schedule only emphasizes how very different reality is (and how little fun it is) from the fantasy-stereotype that's mass-marketed, guilted, and is impossible to live up to. I'm still trying to find new traditions for Christmas... my fantasy is to just go on vacation that week.

Mother's Day just emphasizes that dicohotomy of "expectation" and reality in what is - for me - already a non-relationship. I heard anger, resentment in some of the suggested cards... and yeah, I'm really aware of my own - and how that shows up in my choice of card, too. For myself, I've always found myself "giving" and not "getting" in the relationship. So, giving again, for Mother's Day... sigh... it's truly a no-win situation. If you don't recognize the day, then you're at fault... a bad child who won't even recognize his/her own mother (flaws & all). But if you do - it's all a big lie, charade, hypocrisy; it's not what you truly feel and you're at risk of betraying yourself - and it's more intense, when you're trying to learn how NOT to betray yourself. I just want to scream ARRRRRGGGH! in total frustration, ya know?

Reconciling what looks like two mutually exclusive situations - the middle path - is what I always look for (don't always find it). Yeah, I still tend to avoid being put in the no-win situation in the first place, too. But, if there is a way to "mark" the holiday without completely making an ass of myself in trying to avoid my inner conflict, it will feel "right". So, what I'm doing is reminding myself that the mother-child relationship always involves people; that people aren't perfect (including me); that people simply aren't what stereotypes tell us they are - or should be.... and I just temporarily call a truce - setting aside momentarily my own wants, needs, and feelings... all the old wounds... and I send a card or other small gift to simply "mark" the day, the same way I send Christmas cards to people that I'm not overly close to.

And then, I spend Mother's Day, with my mother-in-law. She and I have a lot of interests in common (besides her son) and we've gotten to be friends and mutually supportive. We go to a local garden fair (weather permitting) and sometimes my daughter joins us. Maybe it's all just an elaborate plan to avoid the issue with my mother (because I'm not home to answer the phone)... but, I guess that's better for me, than maybe saying something ugly or playing my mom's same old games again. I think sometimes, it's OK to walk away from a fight that's just waiting to happen - and it doesn't equal betraying myself. After all, my MIL is a mother, too... and so am I... so it becomes possible to not stare the reality of the non-relationship with my own mom in the face and to truly celebrate the things I do know are maternal: nurturing, growing, "green stuff" and creativity.
Title: Re: Ugh! Mom's Day is Coming
Post by: SilverLining on May 04, 2009, 12:28:50 PM: Quote from: PhoenixRising on May 04, 2009, 09:48:02 AM
Wow - the creativity you all responded with bowls me over! I like all of these suggestions.

Reconciling what looks like two mutually exclusive situations - the middle path - is what I always look for (don't always find it). Yeah, I still tend to avoid being put in the no-win situation in the first place, too. But, if there is a way to "mark" the holiday without completely making an ass of myself in trying to avoid my inner conflict, it will feel "right". So, what I'm doing is reminding myself that the mother-child relationship always involves people; that people aren't perfect (including me); that people simply aren't what stereotypes tell us they are - or should be.... and I just temporarily call a truce - setting aside momentarily my own wants, needs, and feelings... all the old wounds... and I send a card or other small gift to simply "mark" the day, the same way I send Christmas cards to people that I'm not overly close to.

Great comments Phoenix. Your description of the "middle path" is pretty much what I try to do with these holidays. I recognize that I don't believe in these commercialized substitutes for real relationship, but I try to not get overly caught up in my own resentments. For the sake of apparent harmony, I'll get a non commital card, with a statement such as "have a great day" and send it along with a token gift. I buy the cards at Goodwill or the Family Dollar to not add the additional resentment of paying $4 for a piece of paper with a phony sentiment.. :). That's pretty much as far as I will go. If the SID's (that's siblings in denial) want to make a big fuss over it that's their burden.

And as a result when I inevitably don't get much of anything out of them on "my days" such as a birthday, it doesn't bother me. They don't owe me anything. It keeps the relationship on a seemingly harmonious superficial level, which is just fine.
Title: Re: Ugh! Mom's Day is Coming
Post by: sKePTiKal on May 04, 2009, 04:32:56 PM: It keeps the relationship on a seemingly harmonious superficial level, which is just fine.

Hmm... great comment yourself, SL! I think what you've stated, is sort of the goal for me. It's a safe-er place than other's I've been in and doesn't perpetuate conflict.
Title: Re: Ugh! Mom's Day is Coming
Post by: phoenician on May 09, 2009, 10:43:38 AM: Heres a little something I put together for Mothers Day

To Narcissistic Monsters on Mothers Day

Nasty
Abusing
Revolting
Callous
Insincere
Selfish
Sadistic
Inflicting.
Self centred
Tormentors

Manipulative
Ogres
Terrorising
Homes
Expecting
Respect
Sick

Evil
Vile
Insipid
Liars

Why Oh Why...

Why was I born to an evil Woman
Who portrayed herself as a Mother
She was cruel and unkind
She messed with my mind
Was incapable of any form of loving....
For so many years
She reduced me to tears
Enjoying the results of her abusing
All the while she was using me
As her slave as her skivvy and her scapegoat....
This woman was shallow her mind narrow
Her abusing was done deliberately
Yet somehow no other could see through her
Me I really knew her, I could expose her for sure.....
She created an illusion to add to my confusion
I often asked and wonder why oh why??
What did I do to deserve you
A person so nasty and mean
It was almost obscene
To be on the end of a fiendish fiend
Who claimed to be a Mother to me. ...
Mothers have hearts mine didn’t all mine did was abuse me.
Relentlessly. I was Motherless because of she...
Some people just don’t deserve to be Mothers...
You were such a one..

Don’t call yourself a Mother You are a Disgrace to the name...
Go crawl under a rock..
Title: Re: Ugh! Mom's Day is Coming
Post by: sunblue on May 09, 2009, 10:54:46 AM: Phoenician:

Your poem truly brought tears to my eyes. How very, very true! The narcissism of our mothers is indeed cruel and insipid......and so powerful! They don't deserve to be mothers! As you so eloquently said:

Who claimed to be a Mother to me. ...
Mothers have hearts mine didn’t all mine did was abuse me.
Relentlessly. I was Motherless because of she...

What I think is most especially sad is that their behavior, their cruelty not only destroyed any possible relationship with them....but it prevented us from having real, healthy relationships with anyone else....I suppose the lucky ones find someone in their lives who is not N and who shows them what it's really liked to be loved. I was never that lucky......but I know for a fact, growing up with an N family created that impossibility. Their N behavior is truly life changing for us....yet the only ones that bare the scars are we, children of Narcissists.

I find this holiday weekend to be so very hard....and so lonely.....Thank you for sharing your thoughts....ones that I can so clearly identify with.

Sun
Title: Re: Ugh! Mom's Day is Coming
Post by: Ami on May 09, 2009, 11:41:33 AM: (((((((Phonecia))))))
I am glad you are here! Love to you, Ami
Title: Re: Ugh! Mom's Day is Coming
Post by: BonesMS on May 09, 2009, 12:35:14 PM: Quote from: phoenician on May 09, 2009, 10:43:38 AM
Heres a little something I put together for Mothers Day

To Narcissistic Monsters on Mothers Day

Nasty
Abusing
Revolting
Callous
Insincere
Selfish
Sadistic
Inflicting.
Self centred
Tormentors

Manipulative
Ogres
Terrorising
Homes
Expecting
Respect
Sick

Evil
Vile
Insipid
Liars

Why Oh Why...

Why was I born to an evil Woman
Who portrayed herself as a Mother
She was cruel and unkind
She messed with my mind
Was incapable of any form of loving....
For so many years
She reduced me to tears
Enjoying the results of her abusing
All the while she was using me
As her slave as her skivvy and her scapegoat....
This woman was shallow her mind narrow
Her abusing was done deliberately
Yet somehow no other could see through her
Me I really knew her, I could expose her for sure.....
She created an illusion to add to my confusion
I often asked and wonder why oh why??
What did I do to deserve you
A person so nasty and mean
It was almost obscene
To be on the end of a fiendish fiend
Who claimed to be a Mother to me. ...
Mothers have hearts mine didn’t all mine did was abuse me.
Relentlessly. I was Motherless because of she...
Some people just don’t deserve to be Mothers...
You were such a one..

Don’t call yourself a Mother You are a Disgrace to the name...
Go crawl under a rock..

AMEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bones
Title: Re: Ugh! Mom's Day is Coming
Post by: phoenician on May 09, 2009, 01:36:20 PM: Thank You both for your comments. much appreciated. phoenician :D

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))))
Title: Re: Ugh! Mom's Day is Coming
Post by: sunblue on May 10, 2009, 12:40:43 PM: So I finally made my way the greeting card aisle of a store yesterday to make this year's Mother's Day card selection. Surrounded by a large assortment of husbands and children also looking for cards, I began the process of picking up a card, putting it down, picking up a card and putting it down. None were appropriate for the dysfunctional mother-daughter relationships that describe all N relationships.

Ultimately, I came away with two choices, both of which I bought. The first was a lovely card adorned with pretty flowers. On the cover it had one simple line: "It's all about you mom." If that doesn't sum up an Nmom I don't know what does. Inside, there were a couple of smarmy lines, but nothing too over the top, just pretty generic language. The second card was meant to be humorous. In very large letters the cover of the card screamed: "Happy Mother's Day from your Favorite." On the inside it said, "Oh please, it's so obvious." It made me laugh because firstly my extremely Nsis, the golden child, gets these kinds of cards every holiday. Second, the inside text just points glaringly to the truth that I am so NOT the favorite...in fact I'm not even on her radar. It's acknowledgement of my family's reality, even though no one but me will admit it. I haven't decided which one I will give her today...even though she is not around today, as she is spending the weekend with the Golden Child.

Should I go the safe route or the mischievious one? I guess my feelings of anger and bitterness are coming to the fore this weekend.

Happy Mother's Day to all of you who, as one poster has already said, should be congratulated for giving your own children what you deserved. May it be a memorable day.