Wow - the creativity you all responded with bowls me over! I like all of these suggestions.
The problem (I think) is a distilled version of the same thing we all feel at one time or another about celebrating Christmas, I think. It's supposed to be a very social, very happy time when we choose to give of ourselves to others we're close to. There is a lot of pressure to feel the "Christmas Spirit" (whatever that is... can't be just a single definition, can it?) But the reality of the situation - trying to squeeze additional time for shopping, decorating, baking, cooking meals, gatherings - into what is already a jam-packed normal schedule only emphasizes how very different reality is (and how little fun it is) from the fantasy-stereotype that's mass-marketed, guilted, and is impossible to live up to. I'm still trying to find new traditions for Christmas... my fantasy is to just go on vacation that week.
Mother's Day just emphasizes that dicohotomy of "expectation" and reality in what is - for me - already a non-relationship. I heard anger, resentment in some of the suggested cards... and yeah, I'm really aware of my own - and how that shows up in my choice of card, too. For myself, I've always found myself "giving" and not "getting" in the relationship. So, giving again, for Mother's Day... sigh... it's truly a no-win situation. If you don't recognize the day, then you're at fault... a bad child who won't even recognize his/her own mother (flaws & all). But if you do - it's all a big lie, charade, hypocrisy; it's not what you truly feel and you're at risk of betraying yourself - and it's more intense, when you're trying to learn how NOT to betray yourself. I just want to scream ARRRRRGGGH! in total frustration, ya know?
Reconciling what looks like two mutually exclusive situations - the middle path - is what I always look for (don't always find it). Yeah, I still tend to avoid being put in the no-win situation in the first place, too. But, if there is a way to "mark" the holiday without completely making an ass of myself in trying to avoid my inner conflict, it will feel "right". So, what I'm doing is reminding myself that the mother-child relationship always involves people; that people aren't perfect (including me); that people simply aren't what stereotypes tell us they are - or should be.... and I just temporarily call a truce - setting aside momentarily my own wants, needs, and feelings... all the old wounds... and I send a card or other small gift to simply "mark" the day, the same way I send Christmas cards to people that I'm not overly close to.
And then, I spend Mother's Day, with my mother-in-law. She and I have a lot of interests in common (besides her son) and we've gotten to be friends and mutually supportive. We go to a local garden fair (weather permitting) and sometimes my daughter joins us. Maybe it's all just an elaborate plan to avoid the issue with my mother (because I'm not home to answer the phone)... but, I guess that's better for me, than maybe saying something ugly or playing my mom's same old games again. I think sometimes, it's OK to walk away from a fight that's just waiting to happen - and it doesn't equal betraying myself. After all, my MIL is a mother, too... and so am I... so it becomes possible to not stare the reality of the non-relationship with my own mom in the face and to truly celebrate the things I do know are maternal: nurturing, growing, "green stuff" and creativity.
