Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Gabben on August 12, 2009, 10:53:33 PM
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qt9SOvILMI8&feature=related
Found this, thought it might help others....
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Oh God Help me. That is one of the saddest things I have ever seen. The pictures were so true to the feelings.
So much pain in this life. Ami
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Dear Lise
I,often, wonder HOW am *I* damaged with a NM? I wonder if I am an N or "whatever". God has been impressing on me that He can "turn a heart of stone in to a heart of flesh". That means to me that an N has a heart of stone(dead, no empathy) and He(with his love) can turn it in to a human heart (warm, empathetic)
I feel so much better that whatever the damage, God is big enough to heal. He can do it Himself when we are alone or He can send the right people. Either way, He is bigger than anything on this earth, even our upbringings.
I have just started to get this type of hope but I really do have it now! XXOOOO Ami
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Dear Lise
I,often, wonder HOW am *I* damaged with a NM? I wonder if I am an N or "whatever". God has been impressing on me that He can "turn a heart of stone in to a heart of flesh". That means to me that an N has a heart of stone(dead, no empathy) and He(with his love) can turn it in to a human heart (warm, empathetic)
I feel so much better that whatever the damage, God is big enough to heal. He can do it Himself when we are alone or He can send the right people. Either way, He is bigger than anything on this earth, even our upbringings.
I have just started to get this type of hope but I really do have it now! XXOOOO Ami
Ami - there are degrees....we love more or less, we hate more or less; we cannot measure ourselves to others, only what we are in what we do, with our own conscience and heart as a guide.
Sometimes I say screw the labels of NPD and all the other personality disorders labels...I have levels of N in me, I have a self that wants and needs still, but that does make my heart stone, just when I am in these dark wounds does my heart feel stoney, do I act in a self absorbed way as if the world does revolve around me and I am the center, but that is not my average reality, just my wounded one, the reality that I take ownership of.
In Scott Peck's book People of the Lie he says that the truly evil, full NPD's do not question themselves, they do not have the ability to seek out help, never and not at all, even when they are finally alone, out of N-supply.
"and He(with his love) can turn it in to a human heart (warm, empathetic)"
Your having some amazing insights.
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Yes Lise.I am getting more insights in to God b/c I am starting to love and accept myself for the first time in a very long time. Ami
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Ami - the more I grow and heal the more I SEE just how sick and wounded I was....humbling.
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Lise, I am SO glad you are there. I just talked to my Aunt.She was saying how she would never stay in an abusive situation like I did. I felt so shamed. She said she did not understand how my friend puts up with me. Lise, I went in to such a shame spiral and am still in it. I felt like such garbage, such an untouchable.
Ami
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Thank you (Lise).....
It took my breath away! seasons
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Sometimes when I talk to my Aunt and Ray(guitar teacher) I feel SO shamed. They would never treat themselves like I did or end up in the situation I did. They don't get it.
I have to play act like I am like they but I am not. I am different. I can act like they but I am NOT.
I am an abused person and I have done "crazy" things and taken crazy things b/c I thought I was bad and was trained to think I was bad. I was set up for it.
I go in to shame spirals when I talk to either of them, sometimes. I did last week and I did ,today.
Do you know what I mean? Ami
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That BPD video touched that deep place inside where I wonder,"Am I bad after all?" "Is it a lie from an NM or true?"
I could feel that girl in the video all alone and the worst part was she turned against herself. THAT is the worst part of the whole thing. She thought SHE was bad when she was treated badly.
I could see that in the video yet I wonder."Is it me?" Am I bad? Am I just human?
Maybe I am regressing. I don't know but this is where I am. Ami
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I'm sorry ((Ami)), truly this is painful to hear never mind experience.
It is so exhausting, pretending, being punished if your honest and open. People not seeing the truth, it's scary for others maybe. It may be easier to say they couldn't ..wouldn't of put up with this or that.
They are not you, did not live through your abusive childhood/adulthood.
I also started sharing with a close relative. I got SCARED, I backed off, kept it light etc.
Again, I'm sorry ignorance of others you care about sent you in a downward spiral.
Your not alone. I am extending my hand to you, now hold on, you will be o.k. I promise. ((love seasons))
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I was hoping so much that s/one would write. I guess it is MY shame for how I feel inside that gets brought up when they don't understand. They don't, Seasons.
*I* don't want to be ashamed. That is the thing.
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Lise, I am SO glad you are there. I just talked to my Aunt.She was saying how she would never stay in an abusive situation like I did. I felt so shamed. She said she did not understand how my friend puts up with me. Lise, I went in to such a shame spiral and am still in it. I felt like such garbage, such an untouchable.
Ami
This is exactly what I have been talking about. The harsh judgements of others who have not walked in our shoes. Saying that to you is like telling a meth user to just stop or telling a BPD to be gentle to themselves, as if! The shame...Ami - I have felt like an untouchable for so long, I spend most of my time alone, when I tried to reach out, recently, I was rejected, it hurts and still does, but there is something amazing happening in my soul....
I have good news to share around my healing and my stoney heart that is coming back to life - you will love hearing the progress.
Hang in there, hugs....
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I was hoping so much that s/one would write. I guess it is MY shame for how I feel inside that gets brought up when they don't understand. They don't, Seasons.
*I* don't want to be ashamed. That is the thing.
Ami -
Shame is your response to your aunts comment, that is because we have so much shame stored in our bodies, still. It takes time, your little heart was wrapped in shame from your NM's abuse for years, her refusal to treat you as a person rather she treated you as an object, unraveling that is not easy.
It seems, I could be wrong, but when your aunt makes a comment like that she is sending a message to you that your need for emotional empathy and understanding is WRONG, she is making your wrong for being human.
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Ami-
This past weekend I had someone tell me to "lighten up" and they also told me that I could not save my face and ass at the same time...it too sent me downward, I had to battle like hell to get out of that place of self-condemnation for not being able to overcome and behave according to others timeframes and measures. It was another excruciating hit on top of all of the hits that I have gone through.
(((((Ami)))) - I have been in so much pain, but like you said to me on another thread that people cannot handle our pain, because they do not know our pain. I have been intense, annoying and acting out in my rage as I try my hardest to master intense pain of what it was like to be intensely denied love as a child and just how intense my needs were for love, no wonder I am intense, but guess what...I am loving myself, even for being intense...that is progress!!
You are OK.
Love,
Lise
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Thank God for you, Lise. I was praying you would understand. I was "thinking" maybe she won't get it and I will be all alone ,out in the middle of the board like a pariah.
I am so relieved that you understand totally.
I wrote to my friend and told him that if he didn't want anything more to do with me b/c I am too heavy ,it is OK. I thought,"Why does he even like me?"
However, the fact that you understand makes it OK.I am not alone . Love you to pieces, Lise! Ami
PS If you had not been brave enough to share your pain, I could never have been this vulnerable. Your life experience makes you uniquely able to handle other people w/out shaming them. It is beautiful even though you had to suffer SOOO much to get there! You can be used in a way that few others can to help people in DEEP pain!
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Hi Ami,
I'm glad that I can be here for you. Shame and anger go together, at least that is my experience. Our needs as child were wound up in shame; we, our thoughts and hearts, took on years of negative messages about ourselves/needs that buried us in the shame of being human and having needs. Under the anger is shame and under the shame is more anger, at least for me, I have been finding and digging up so much pain, loss, shame and just pure suffering that I sometimes feel that it will never change. The only action that ever allows for change is not the world around me but just allowing the suffering in my own heart...it is just so hard and that is why so few people take the journey down into the heart.
Your taking that journey...it is hard.
When I talk about that someone who told me to lighten-up, they had my best interest at heart. They also might have been feeling hurt or bothered by my recent depth of acting out and pain, understandable. I try to stay open to seeing things from other people's perspective, it saves me from falling into so much pain. But it is HARD to so and when we are already in our wound we are just more vulnerable.
Just like a year ago when someone told me to be gentle to myself and it was a traumatic experience; there were many many factors going on at that time that that person did not know about and could not comprehend, not their fault, they were just trying to be helpful with my best interest at heart, again. Your aunt and you have a close relationship, unless something has changed since I have been on the board?
Anyway, I am not going to invalidate your reality of shame around what she said and how much it hurt you.
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Dear Lise
She told me she did not mean it as it sounded BUT I learned that *I* have so much shame and I don't want it.*I* want to unearth it so it does not get triggered by a person, well meaning or not. KWIM? *I* want to control my shame not give it over to others.
Ami
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I want to unearth it so it does not get triggered by a person, well meaning or not. KWIM? *I* want to control my shame not give it over to others.
You are unearthing your shame, just feeling it, owning it and dissecting it by staying with whatever truth comes out of it for you. There is healthy shame and then there is unhealthy shame. Sometimes we should feel ashamed when we are doing and acting wrong, but the difference is that it is far easier to own the healthy shame than the unhealthy shame (at least it should be), that is becuase the unhealthy shame is NOT ours, it may be someone else's shame that gets dumped on our hearts when we were little and then even now as adults. Know one like to have to admit they are wrong, right?
I have no idea what I am writing, just here, needing....
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Dear Lise
She told me she did not mean it as it sounded BUT I learned that *I* have so much shame and I don't want it.*I* want to unearth it so it does not get triggered by a person, well meaning or not. KWIM? *I* want to control my shame not give it over to others.
Ami
It's so painful giving ourselves over to others, being so breakable. It hurts when our pain is dismissed, I've been hurt by this also and can empathize with ((you)).
Ami and Lise thank you both for sharing so much. It connects where it hurts....yet feels right to acknowledge it.
seasons ox