What does BPD feel like.....(Video)

[Gabben]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qt9SOvILMI8&feature=related

Found this, thought it might help others....

[Ami]

Oh God Help me. That is one of the saddest things I have ever seen. The pictures were so true to the feelings.
 So much pain in this life.       Ami

[Ami]

Dear Lise
 I,often, wonder HOW am *I* damaged with a NM? I wonder if I am an N or "whatever". God has been impressing on me that He can "turn a heart of stone in to a heart of flesh". That means to me that an N has a heart of stone(dead, no empathy) and He(with his love) can turn it in to a human heart (warm, empathetic)
 I feel so much better that whatever the damage, God is big enough to heal. He can do it Himself when we are alone or He can send the right people. Either way, He is bigger than anything on this earth, even our upbringings.
 I have just started to get this type of hope but I really do have it now!         XXOOOO    Ami

[Gabben]

Dear Lise
 I,often, wonder HOW am *I* damaged with a NM? I wonder if I am an N or "whatever". God has been impressing on me that He can "turn a heart of stone in to a heart of flesh". That means to me that an N has a heart of stone(dead, no empathy) and He(with his love) can turn it in to a human heart (warm, empathetic)
 I feel so much better that whatever the damage, God is big enough to heal. He can do it Himself when we are alone or He can send the right people. Either way, He is bigger than anything on this earth, even our upbringings.
 I have just started to get this type of hope but I really do have it now!         XXOOOO    Ami

Ami - there are degrees....we love more or less, we hate more or less; we cannot measure ourselves to others, only what we are in what we do, with our own conscience and heart as a guide.

Sometimes I say screw the labels of NPD and all the other personality disorders labels...I have levels of  N in me, I have a self that wants and needs still, but that does make my heart stone, just when I am in these dark wounds does my heart feel stoney, do I act in a self absorbed way as if the world does revolve around me and I am the center, but that is not my average reality, just my wounded one, the reality that I take ownership of.

In Scott Peck's book People of the Lie he says that the truly evil, full NPD's do not question themselves, they do not have the ability to seek out help, never and not at all, even when they are finally alone, out of N-supply.

"and He(with his love) can turn it in to a human heart (warm, empathetic)"

Your having some amazing insights.

[Ami]

Yes Lise.I am getting more insights in to God b/c I am  starting to love and accept myself for the first time in a very long time.         Ami

[Gabben]

Ami - the more I grow and heal the more I SEE just how sick and wounded I was....humbling.

[Ami]

Lise, I am SO glad you are there. I just talked to my Aunt.She was saying how she would never stay in an abusive situation like I did. I felt so shamed. She said she did not understand how my friend   puts up with me. Lise, I went in to such a shame spiral and am still in it. I felt like such garbage, such an untouchable.

     Ami

[seasons]

Thank you (Lise).....

It took my breath away! seasons

[Ami]

Sometimes when I talk to my Aunt and Ray(guitar teacher) I feel SO shamed. They would never treat themselves like I did or end up in the situation I did. They don't get it.
 I have to play act like I am like they but I am not. I am different. I can act like they but I am NOT.
 I am an abused person and I have done "crazy" things and taken crazy things b/c I thought I was bad and was trained to think I was bad. I was set up for it.
 I go in to shame spirals when I talk to either of them, sometimes. I did last week and I did ,today.
 Do you know what I mean?     Ami

[Ami]

That BPD video touched that deep place inside where I wonder,"Am I bad after all?" "Is it a lie from an NM or true?"
 I could feel that girl in the video all alone and the worst part was she turned against herself. THAT is the worst part of the whole thing. She thought SHE was bad when she was treated badly.
I could see that in the video yet I wonder."Is it me?" Am I bad? Am I just human?
Maybe I am regressing. I don't know but this is where I am.                     Ami

[seasons]

I'm sorry ((Ami)), truly this is painful to hear never mind experience.

It is so exhausting, pretending, being punished if your honest and open. People not seeing the truth, it's scary for others maybe. It may be easier to say they couldn't ..wouldn't of put up with this or that.

They are not you, did not live through your abusive childhood/adulthood.

I also started sharing with a close relative. I got SCARED, I backed off, kept it light etc.

Again, I'm sorry ignorance of others you care about sent you in a downward spiral.

Your not alone. I am extending my hand to you, now hold on, you will be o.k. I promise. ((love seasons))

[Ami]

I was hoping so much that s/one would write. I guess it is MY shame for how I feel inside that gets brought up when they don't understand. They don't, Seasons.
 *I* don't want to be ashamed. That is the thing. 


     

[Gabben]

Lise, I am SO glad you are there. I just talked to my Aunt.She was saying how she would never stay in an abusive situation like I did. I felt so shamed. She said she did not understand how my friend   puts up with me. Lise, I went in to such a shame spiral and am still in it. I felt like such garbage, such an untouchable.

     Ami

This is exactly what I have been talking about. The harsh judgements of others who have not walked in our shoes. Saying that to you is like telling a meth user to just stop or telling a BPD to be gentle to themselves, as if! The shame...Ami - I have felt like an untouchable for so long, I spend most of my time alone, when I tried to reach out, recently, I was rejected, it hurts and still does, but there is something amazing happening in my soul....

I have good news to share around my healing and my stoney heart that is coming back to life - you will love hearing the progress.
Hang in there, hugs....

[Gabben]

I was hoping so much that s/one would write. I guess it is MY shame for how I feel inside that gets brought up when they don't understand. They don't, Seasons.
 *I* don't want to be ashamed. That is the thing.  


    

Ami -

Shame is your response to your aunts comment, that is because we have so much shame stored in our bodies, still. It takes time, your little heart was wrapped in shame from your NM's abuse for years, her refusal to treat you as a person rather she treated you as an object, unraveling that is not easy.


It seems, I could be wrong, but when your aunt makes a comment like that she is sending a message to you that your need for emotional empathy and understanding is WRONG, she is making your wrong for being human.

[Gabben]

Ami-

This past weekend I had someone tell me to "lighten up" and they also told me that I could not save my face and ass at the same time...it too sent me downward, I had to battle like hell to get out of that place of self-condemnation for not being able to overcome and behave according to others timeframes and measures. It was another excruciating hit on top of all of the hits that I have gone through.

(((((Ami)))) - I have been in so much pain, but like you said to me on another thread that people cannot handle our pain, because they do not know our pain. I have been intense, annoying and acting out in my rage as I try my hardest to master intense pain of what it was like to be intensely denied love as a child and just how intense my needs were for love, no wonder I am intense, but guess what...I am loving myself, even for being intense...that is progress!!

You are OK.

Love,
Lise