Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Ami on October 27, 2009, 08:09:51 AM
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For me, my NM greatly damaged certain parts of me and either left alone or encouraged other parts .
She intruded on every feeling and thought and made me think they were crazy, neurotic or psychotic. I cannot trust my thoughts or feelings now.That is my biggest struggle. I think I am BAD, down deep when I have a "human' feeling, thought or need.
She encouraged me in creative things like music and art. I can play instruments.This is one of my greatest joys in life and she encouraged me in this.
She encouraged me, intellectually. She encouraged me to get higher education. She encouraged me to read.
She encouraged me to take care of my physical appearance.
I was broken in the emotional health area. What about other people?
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A big part of my wounded emotional self is the inability to feel I can protect myself. I feel I am BAD if I do. This led to my being in an abusive marriage so the emotional wounding has far reaching ramifications.
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NWomb-Donor convinced others that I was the mentally-retarded family whore!
ALL OF IT WERE LIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :twisted:
Bones
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NWomb-Donor convinced others that I was the mentally-retarded family whore!
ALL OF IT WERE LIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :twisted:
Bones
You are so smart, Bones!!!! xxxoo Ami
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NWomb-Donor convinced others that I was the mentally-retarded family whore!
ALL OF IT WERE LIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :twisted:
Bones
You are so smart, Bones!!!! xxxoo Ami
Thanks, Ami.
Unfortunately, the other members of the FOO are stupid enough to believe and perpetuate NWomb-Donor's lies! I think only N's are stupid enough to do that.
Bones
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Ami - this is a great thread. I was just thinking on my morning walk how embarrassed I am for being here on this board and for having spent so much of life on a treadmill going nowhere because of her verbal abuse.
Sounds like your Mother was similar to mine, in that she encouraged (and paid for) my education, always tells me to keep trying and as a kid sent me to German School, Charity League, tennis lessons, ballet, horse-riding lessons, debutante balls and all sorts of other stuff, all the while making me feel inferior and putting me down. Problem is that was never about me - it was all about her unfulfilled childhood needs. When I say I am embarrassed, I am embarrassed by how I've let my NM treat me w/ disrespect and negativity and while I always had difficulties with her, I was always the good, respectful girl and continued to let her disrespect me and my needs. Thats exactly the pattern I've attracted into my life with work and love. I get it now, a year after finding out she is an N. One of the big problems here is that she is in denial, she claims she loves me, but she really doesn't - certainly not enough to care about my feelings. This is a pervasive and destructive theme in my love life as well (appearances of love and caring, yet disrespecting necessary emotional needs). Initially my problem was that I did not feel good enough for love, so it took me to 40 to even find a relationship, and that person was "emotionally unavaiable", as I descrived above. Additionally a normal person, when confronted with my list of hurts, would apologize and show some sympathy and ask how not to hurt one's feelings. She does not. She tends to deny it completely and tells me I'm oversensitive.
Also, at a young age - I think I was six - she sent me to stay the summer with my relatives in Germany. While there, I was playing with my cousins in a fenced yard and man across the street started shooting at us. He fired off about 20 bullets, before my Uncle came out and rushed us inside. When I told my Mother hte story on the phone, she didn't believe me until my Uncle told her. As I remember, he said not to mention it - but I was young and I did. I think he wanted to tell her himself, but I blew it. I'm really not sure how I felt about this at the time - but I do remember having trouble with honesty growing up as a child - but now I learn shes been completely dishonest with my Brother and I, so this is another warped value and manipulated feeling I have about myself that I am trying to straighten out. Someone (but only those very close to me) can try to imply that I am lying or not being truthful and I can crumble rather quickly, even when I've done nothing wrong.
Also, I should mention that my brother thinks she is BPD and he discovered that 10 years ago during his first divorce. So, while we might tend to disagree slightly on her problem (which is common among siblings) we agree she does have a huge problem. I tend to think the Nism comes out more between mother/daughter rather than mother/son, certainly it did in my case. But, he also tells me how negative, delusional, and undermining she is in his current marriage, so we agree completely on her "symptoms". Also, this label (BPD/NPD) comes from three different therapists and his Mother in Law who is a Stanford trained PHD in psychology and practicing therapist for 30 years. She interacts with my NM on a social basis and has for 9 years, so she is well aware and has observed these conflicts first hand, not just through reported stories from children (meaning me) to the therapist. So, we are very certain the problem is correctly defined.
I'm at the point in healing where I can identify the exact issues and paraphrase them in each category - work, money, love etc, and have a revised feeling and an plan of action to avoid future problems - so thats really helpful.
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Every area I think.
My regret is that she didn't support my studies (not talking purely financial support here).
I just started a post commenting that because of my upbringing I lost the ability to be open to life and people. This hurts a lot. She raised me to believe that I worth nothing so nobody would want to be around me for any reasons related to the true and real me, and now I get all suspicious.
I just hate that even if I am NC, every contact attempt she does, it takes me back 10 steps. And because I sort of deal with these attempts better now, somehow I don't realise how much harm she does to me, mainly because her messages that I am unworthy are so subtle, even subliminal.
It's criminal that she won't give me a break.
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((((((((((((Ami))))))))))))))))))))
I'm exactly the same - I have terrible trouble trusting my thoughts, feelings or my instincts. I also don't know myself very well - I feel like I 'decide' what I ought to be like and then try and make myself fit rather than being myself, if that makes sense?
I find it hard to trust people or believe that anyone really likes me - I always feel that people just put up with me or see me because they feel sorry for me. I don't believe anyone tells me the truth - a friend came for lunch today and said it was a really nice meal - i can't take the compliment, I just think she's just being polite and she probably went home and told her boyfriend it was awful and I ought to learn how to cook properly. I feel very fake most of the time and like I'm putting on an act around people. I'm not very comfortable in my own skin and I think all of this stems from the way my parents were when I was a child (and as an adult).
On the plus side the fact that they ignored me and did very little to help out has made me very resourceful and very independent - maybe too much but I don't fall apart in a crisis and I can tackle most things myself. I learnt how to earn my own money at an early age and I try and do the opposite with my son that they did with me - I'm hoping that the fact I know their mistakes means I can avoid them with my own child - I guess we won't know until he's all grown up though!
Hugs to you ((((((((((((((((()))))))))))))))))))))))))
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Thank you Bones, Ales, P and Twoapenny. It is interesting to see what is the same and what is different. xxoo Ami
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Hi Ales,
My upbringing was similar to yours. I have pictures of me in Carnival balls and fashion shows as a child. I don't remember the carnival ball at all even though I look about 6 in the picture. I only vaguely remember being fitted for the dress and having someone put lipstick on me. I only remember a small bit of the fashion show because in the only picture that remains I am shown holding a book that I took from a little boy backstage who was crying horribly! I was only 4 or 5 and probably didn't know it wasn't "everybody's book." Since I barely remember these events I have to assume that, as usual, I was being "done too". My mother was so out of touch that she would just pile us in the car and off we would go to "her" destination without a word about what it was. It could just as easily be the dentist office as a dress fitting for some event she had planned. I was treated like a doll she was playing with. I grew up feeling like the world and its people were chaotic and completely beyond my control, so why try.
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Great thread!
Emotional damage was worst for me. I find it hard to separate my feelings and know what I am upset about. I just feel so overwhelmed that I binge eat when I am upset and have a weight problem.
Luckily having a lovely husband to talk to I can eventually sort my problems out to some extent.
The other area my NM tried to hurt me was with my relationship with my husband. She never liked any boyfriend (or friend for that matter). I met my husband in sixth form (high school sweethearts) and she did everything to break us up; nasty letters, silent treatment, screaming and shouting, emotional blackmail etc.
Also, she hated me reading, which I really love. If I bought a book (with money I had earned!) she would get angry. I used to read in secret a lot of the time. I don't think she has read a book in her life.
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Thank you, Sealynx and Binks
I am seeing certain patterns emerge. Some people have more of one. Some more of another. Binks, your M never wabted you to get independent by reading. Reading was a way out of her narrow N world.
I see that characteristic with my M.She did not want me to have emotional confidence in my sanity. She wanted me to feel incompetent ,emotionally, so I could not become independent BUT she always mocked me for being dependent. That extra layer really made me crazy, I think.
She would rage and say"You think like a child."
She wanted me there. That is so ,so, so crazy making :shock: :shock:
Sealynx
I can see in your post how the NM makes you a doll so she can look good. My M did that with clothes, make-up, contact lenses etc. There was a lot of focus on being attractive b/c it made her look good. That is the distortion with the N's. A normal M takes pride in a child but an N makes them an object with no feelings, wants, needs. The child is a blank to the NM ,just an object to "wear on their arm" like a trophy wife.
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I don't know if anyone has this but I am realizing another area in which my M damaged me . She tried to make my desire to be a social person"stupid". She mocked social customs such as being on time, being considerate etc. She would demean me for wanting to be gracious person.
She made me feel like I was weak if I wanted to be hospitable . SHE was a rebel. What a joke. She was an idiot. I am figuring it out so late after I made so many mistakes and listened to her like she had good sense. It is a crime to have followed an ass like I did! Ami
PS My friend says that when I can see her like an ass, I will heal. I saw her as big, strong, smart, knowing, insightful,competent etc when she was simply an ass.
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It took me a while but I finally figured it out. She hurt me the most by making me a non-person, with no intrinsic value. I see myself as valuable only in terms of what other people can use me for.
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Bones is sooooo right! But also, my NM took any fragile self esteem I possessed, and stomped on it, tore it to shreds and set it on fire, so I had none left. This was my life, most of the damge being inflicted in my childhood. :twisted: :twisted:
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Thank you Erin and Judy
The NM has a mission to destroy the sense of self and identity that a good parent would want you to have. It is opposed to all that is good and pure in life.
The N parent is the proverbial curse. We are in a sorority that no one would want to join! xxxoo Ami
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Umm there are so many ways. I guess the area most hurt is my abiltiy to trust. I can't even get close to my husband. It took me 10 years to trust a friend to tell her about my gay son. (She had no problem) I can't trust my husband with my feelings and thoughts--not because of him--because of NM. I am afraiid of EVERYONE. I have to be so careful.
I rarely have conversations with co-workers that don't center around work. NM taught me that my opinions, thoughts, and experiences were wrong. For example, I told her I don't like plays or musicals. Her response was "where did I go wrong. "
I never really learned to do girly things growing up. I never had friends over, nor did I go to friends houses. I actuallly didn't have any friends outside school as a teenager. I am an outisder watching other people have fun and enjoy life. I just observe. I can't join iin; I don't know how. When I'm with people who are having a conversation, I lilsten, but have no thoughts of my own. Someone will ask me my opinion, and I'll have none--because I learned from NM that my opinions don't matter.
I hate being the observer. I don't know HOW to join in. I'm just blank. I'm invisible.
The thing that I hate more than anything that NM did to me was that I can feel humiliated very easily. Humiliation is the worst feeling in the world to me. I will feel soooo ashamed and embarrassed, which is one reason I cannot trust people. I can't have them shaming me.
My NM and NF supported my education but nothing else. I never learned social skills, how to dance, how to be a friend, how to wear make-up, how to dress, how to clean, how to maintain a car, how to cook. There were things they wouldn't let me do. I could not use the turntable for records and was not allowed my own record player. I never got to listen to the music all the other kids listened to at the time except on the radio. I had no allowance, nor was I allowed to get a job. I was given $10 a month for clothes. Since I had stopped growing, they though I didn't need new clothes. I was not allowed to wash the car, so it stayed dirty, even though I wanted to wash it.
I was told which university I had to go to if I wanted them to pay for it. No choice. i was told which instrument I had to play if I wanted to be in band-flute. I think the only reason I did well in school was that I would receive praise for good grades. But I would feel bad if I did not make a 100. If I did make a 100, it was obviously too easy.
I can't get too excited about good things happening to me because if I do they might get taken away. So I hold in my happy feelings. Anger comes out real easily though.
I so wish I could redo my childhood with healthy parents. What I could have achieved. Hmm, maybe I should be a teenager again. The first thing that comes to mind is I could buy CD's and a sound system with speakers and everything. I have a very old boom box and about 5 CD's. There is no music in the house. I'll ask my 25 year old son what kids are listening to these days.
I should try new things. I don't usually because of the fear, anxiety. Does anybody know what teenagers do? Sorry, I'm rambling.
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Umm there are so many ways. I guess the area most hurt is my abiltiy to trust. I can't even get close to my husband. It took me 10 years to trust a friend to tell her about my gay son. (She had no problem) I can't trust my husband with my feelings and thoughts--not because of him--because of NM. I am afraiid of EVERYONE. I have to be so careful.
I rarely have conversations with co-workers that don't center around work. NM taught me that my opinions, thoughts, and experiences were wrong. For example, I told her I don't like plays or musicals. Her response was "where did I go wrong. "
I never really learned to do girly things growing up. I never had friends over, nor did I go to friends houses. I actuallly didn't have any friends outside school as a teenager. I am an outisder watching other people have fun and enjoy life. I just observe. I can't join iin; I don't know how. When I'm with people who are having a conversation, I lilsten, but have no thoughts of my own. Someone will ask me my opinion, and I'll have none--because I learned from NM that my opinions don't matter.
I hate being the observer. I don't know HOW to join in. I'm just blank. I'm invisible.
The thing that I hate more than anything that NM did to me was that I can feel humiliated very easily. Humiliation is the worst feeling in the world to me. I will feel soooo ashamed and embarrassed, which is one reason I cannot trust people. I can't have them shaming me.
My NM and NF supported my education but nothing else. I never learned social skills, how to dance, how to be a friend, how to wear make-up, how to dress, how to clean, how to maintain a car, how to cook. There were things they wouldn't let me do. I could not use the turntable for records and was not allowed my own record player. I never got to listen to the music all the other kids listened to at the time except on the radio. I had no allowance, nor was I allowed to get a job. I was given $10 a month for clothes. Since I had stopped growing, they though I didn't need new clothes. I was not allowed to wash the car, so it stayed dirty, even though I wanted to wash it.
I was told which university I had to go to if I wanted them to pay for it. No choice. i was told which instrument I had to play if I wanted to be in band-flute. I think the only reason I did well in school was that I would receive praise for good grades. But I would feel bad if I did not make a 100. If I did make a 100, it was obviously too easy.
I can't get too excited about good things happening to me because if I do they might get taken away. So I hold in my happy feelings. Anger comes out real easily though.
I so wish I could redo my childhood with healthy parents. What I could have achieved. Hmm, maybe I should be a teenager again. The first thing that comes to mind is I could buy CD's and a sound system with speakers and everything. I have a very old boom box and about 5 CD's. There is no music in the house. I'll ask my 25 year old son what kids are listening to these days.
I should try new things. I don't usually because of the fear, anxiety. Does anybody know what teenagers do? Sorry, I'm rambling.
Dear English,
THAT is one of the most beautiful posts I have ever read on this Board. You have SO much to say. Let your light shine, girlfriend! Keep sharing. Start here ,on this Board, Sweetheart! xxxooo Ami
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Thank you ((((((((Ami)))))))