Umm there are so many ways. I guess the area most hurt is my abiltiy to trust. I can't even get close to my husband. It took me 10 years to trust a friend to tell her about my gay son. (She had no problem) I can't trust my husband with my feelings and thoughts--not because of him--because of NM. I am afraiid of EVERYONE. I have to be so careful.
I rarely have conversations with co-workers that don't center around work. NM taught me that my opinions, thoughts, and experiences were wrong. For example, I told her I don't like plays or musicals. Her response was "where did I go wrong. "
I never really learned to do girly things growing up. I never had friends over, nor did I go to friends houses. I actuallly didn't have any friends outside school as a teenager. I am an outisder watching other people have fun and enjoy life. I just observe. I can't join iin; I don't know how. When I'm with people who are having a conversation, I lilsten, but have no thoughts of my own. Someone will ask me my opinion, and I'll have none--because I learned from NM that my opinions don't matter.
I hate being the observer. I don't know HOW to join in. I'm just blank. I'm invisible.
The thing that I hate more than anything that NM did to me was that I can feel humiliated very easily. Humiliation is the worst feeling in the world to me. I will feel soooo ashamed and embarrassed, which is one reason I cannot trust people. I can't have them shaming me.
My NM and NF supported my education but nothing else. I never learned social skills, how to dance, how to be a friend, how to wear make-up, how to dress, how to clean, how to maintain a car, how to cook. There were things they wouldn't let me do. I could not use the turntable for records and was not allowed my own record player. I never got to listen to the music all the other kids listened to at the time except on the radio. I had no allowance, nor was I allowed to get a job. I was given $10 a month for clothes. Since I had stopped growing, they though I didn't need new clothes. I was not allowed to wash the car, so it stayed dirty, even though I wanted to wash it.
I was told which university I had to go to if I wanted them to pay for it. No choice. i was told which instrument I had to play if I wanted to be in band-flute. I think the only reason I did well in school was that I would receive praise for good grades. But I would feel bad if I did not make a 100. If I did make a 100, it was obviously too easy.
I can't get too excited about good things happening to me because if I do they might get taken away. So I hold in my happy feelings. Anger comes out real easily though.
I so wish I could redo my childhood with healthy parents. What I could have achieved. Hmm, maybe I should be a teenager again. The first thing that comes to mind is I could buy CD's and a sound system with speakers and everything. I have a very old boom box and about 5 CD's. There is no music in the house. I'll ask my 25 year old son what kids are listening to these days.
I should try new things. I don't usually because of the fear, anxiety. Does anybody know what teenagers do? Sorry, I'm rambling.
