Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Gaining Strength on June 10, 2010, 08:59:44 AM
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I continue to make progress in a very slow pace.
I am findinng that my anxiety is the key to moving forwarrd. I have developed a meditation or rather two that work in tandem. One deals with anxiety and specific fearrs such as rejection and failure and the other deals with being loved and accepted. As I work with these I realized that when good things have come my way, especially early on, I was often sabotaged and developed a fear reaction to good things. I have lots of examples.
The key for me right now is learning how to recreate a placce without anxietty and to hold on to it and grow it.
I found that place yesterday morning and it grew and grew during the day until early afternoon. By last night I cold not find it at all. It was gone all through the nigh. With little sleep I would awake over and over again and use my meditation. I found no relief until the morning. But I know the key is to keep working to hold that feeling and to grow it. It is the whole key to healing and moving forward.
When I was in that place yesterday, I accomplished a good bit but more than that my vision of what I can do was enormous.
I will continue to work on feeling that place of accomplishment and strength and holdinng on to it.
I have such a strong desire and need really to share this with someone. I knew that I might find peopple sho understand here or at least people who care and will offer support. Fear is so easy to slipinto but I must fight it and fight it.
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Hi G.S.
Being fairly new here I'm not familiar with everyone and their battles and victories and am often not able to put into words what is helpful to say in many instances. But, I can give you a link to a wonderful website run by Gwen Randall-Young. I'm sure you will find her essays immensley moving. I have pasted below, an article of hers which I saved some years ago (but I can't locate it on her new website). http://www.gwen.ca/resources/articles/ (http://www.gwen.ca/resources/articles/)
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Anxiety is Ego’s Shadow by Gwen Randall-Young - from her "The Universe Within" essays
In my practice, I treat many people for anxiety, which probably everyone has experienced at some time in their lives. In certain situations, anxiety is normal:
when someone close to us experiences a sudden serious illness, if we have momentarily lost sight of our young child, or there is a terrorist threat.
Many people, however, suffer anxiety over the ordinary events of life, and I became curious about how we could understand anxiety from the perspective of
ego and soul. It seems clear to me that anxiety is an ego reaction, based on fear.
While in scientific terms, the opposite of an anxious state would be a relaxed state, in ego and soul terms, the opposite of anxiety is trust.
I say this because when we experience anxiety, it is generally because we do not feel in control of a situation. We fear things will not turn
out the way we hope and that we will experience loss, failure or embarrassment.
Ego, as we well know, has a mind of its own. It experiences the world in terms of good/bad, right/wrong, win/lose and other polar opposites.
For ego, it is as though life is full of coin tosses, and ego wants to win the flip every time. Statistically, this is impossible, so ego must work in
a variety of ways to achieve the outcome it desires. If the outcome is not guaranteed, ego begins to fret.
Not only does ego worry about the outcome, but it also conjures up all manner of consequences that would follow an undesirable result.
Hence, this kind of thinking: “If he doesn’t ask me out, I’ll probably be alone for the rest of my life. Then I will undoubtedly struggle financially,
and end up being a bag-lady.” Or, “If my child disobeys me when he is five, what will he be like at 15? He’ll probably have a bad attitude and
get in with the wrong crowd. Then he’ll get into drugs and end up on the street.” These catastrophic, ego-based prophecies are a perfect
formula for generating anxiety.
If we come from the perspective of soul, our world looks and feels different. Soul recognizes that our lives unfold and that our circumstances
form the curriculum of study for this lifetime. Things will not always go according to our plan. That would be too easy. Rather, life will surprise,
disappoint, confound, dismay and puzzle us. Just when you think you have it all figured out, it changes. We learn that we can either play it safe,
sticking with the familiar, or we can take risks, try new things and stretch ourselves.
The choice is not always ours. Unplanned occurrences can reshape us in ways we never dreamed possible. Sometimes, the worst thing that could
have happened to us turns out to be the best thing that ever happened. It is easy to see why this is a difficult, challenging and frustrating game
for ego to play. There really are no rules one can count on. Ego only frustrates, worries and agitates itself, trying to beat the system.
Soul, on the other hand, trusts the big picture. Soul accepts that life will be an interesting adventure and we will win some and lose some.
That doesn’t matter so much, as long as we are growing, learning and gaining wisdom, perhaps even enlightenment. Soul patiently waits to see
how long ego will struggle before figuring it out. Soul knows that ego needs only to surrender in order to cease the struggle. When ego does surrender,
life becomes calmer, smoother and more relaxed. Life is still what it was; life was never the problem. The difference is that ego has given up resisting the irresistible.
As for anxiety, the minute we surrender, release our attachments and trust in the flow of life, it disappears, for it was never real. It was only ego’s shadow.
Gwen Randall-Young is an author and psychotherapist in private practice. For more articles and information about her books and CDs, visit www.gwen.ca
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Be courageous and strong.
Patrick
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How thoughtful Patrick. I can use any and all help in dealing with the fear that has been a part of my life forever.
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Hey - I think you're on to something with your meditation! Even just knowing "the place" beyond the fear is attainable, now, for you... is a major, major step in the right direction. Can also watch your breathing in that meditation? Do you notice any changes?
What I'm getting at, is something I've noticed in my own experience - even though paying close attention to slow breathing and letting thoughts float past me - there comes a point when I notice that my breathing is speeding up, becoming shallower... and the thoughts fly faster... dragging bits of my awareness right along with them down the rat-trails of worry/anxiety again. Slowing the breath - even if you have to repeatedly slow down again - helps. And some nights... I have to do this alot.
I've noticed that I still get these night-time thought anxiety storms a.) after drinking coffee late in the day (DUH!!!) and b.) when I'm jettisoning another "comfort zone level" of habit/routine that was getting my way. And mostly, they're just "thought" storms - the old mental habits of thinking negative things... there isn't so much emotion attached to them anymore.
But in the beginning?? OH YEAH.... petrifying anxiety over the most trivial things. It's sort of the "labor pains" Hops mentioned due to breaking out of the old... and into the new. It gets better with practice, sweetie... and yes, it's just like getting up every two hours with a newborn... it's not easy - but it's really not that difficult, either. And of course, the reason for doing it is that YOU'RE WORTH IT - even if it is inconvenient, uncomfortable, and extremely challenging - RIGHT?
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I am pushing forwarrd and getting stronger.
Months ago I discovered that I could toggle out of fear and into determination. I am getting better and better at this.
I am also getting stronger as i continue using these meditations so that when I lapse into the fear place, even if I cannot get out of it, I know it won't last.
Determination is a good place for me, it is very different from the fear laced analogy of pushing harder on the accelerator only to get further and further into the rut.
oh PR, thank you. I connect with what you have written. I will continue to concentrate on my breathing. I know from reading and from experience that as I focus on where I am going (healing, post anxiety) it gets stronger. I know that I will continue to build on that and be able to access it. I have decided to cut out caffeine post-haste. But even when I get into the anxiety space I know it will no longer destroy me as it has for most of my life. I can finally see a post anxiety life. Thank heavens. And thank heavens for this place and these people and for you PR.
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Gaining Strength-
I can really relate to what you are saying about feeling a sense of getting on top of something and by later in the day have forgotten the feeling of what was just gained. I like your tactic to deal with anxiety as it comes and know that it will pass. My husband and I have our own disorganized way about life sometimes and we say to eachother 2 steps ahead, 1 back then next time 4 steps ahead etc.....
It sounds like you have definately are in the upswing overall with your confidance though GS. Thx for sharing, I really needed to hear what you shared today. I made some progress lately with my confidance and was concerned I forgot that "feeling".
It's there, maybe people without out types of issues have days like these too, who knows... Anyways, have a lovely weekend, feel the progress you've made.... Or wait for it to come back, it will definately!
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You're welcome, GS!
Hugs,
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The daily exercise and meditation is helping.
Now it is time to push the envelope.
I must get more organized and plan my time to be most effective.
I have spent years now doing things to stop feeling the wretched electical impulses of anxiety. thank heavens those things involved being on the internet and reading and chatting rather than anything more destructive. But the time has come to move on past that.
I hope to use this space to work through this new process.
Time to live actively rather than passively.
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Giving up my addiction to Huffington Post. I've tried it before but was not successful. It is sucking the productive life out of me. When I begin to think about being productive the minor panic button gets pressed and I go into divergent mode, looking for anything that will dull the pain and the computer is the easiest quickest fix with the fewest side effects - except the utter waste of precious time.
I am going my meditation to set up a thought experiment to keep me on track.
Sitting down, planning and executing the plans is such an anxiety trigger for me. It is indescribable. But my life truly depends on it and my son's life as well.
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GS - what happens, if you try to do the planning/organizing from the feeling of the anxiety? Or do you have to be outside of it, to work? Is that even possible? Like, going ahead flying even when one is terrified of flying?? I'm trying to understand... 'coz it seems like you might be able to "schedule" time and activities specifically FOR the anxiety (and intentionally keep that time short; but put 100% of your attention on WHAT the anxiety is about during that "appointment"). Then, schedule active "work" in between times for addressing the old ANX - and ALSO reward/self-care sessions for any active work done, whatsoever - including JUST thinking about it!
I'm rather unsure about the value of my suggestions/advice today... but I do know, that one thing that actually helps my bouts of anxiety is to do mindless cleanup... broom sweeping, vacumning, pulling weeds... and that all contributes to the satisfaction of a "job well done" later... and also frees part of my mind to "think" (and plan, organize, create) non-verbally... and lets those ideas get closer to the surface (and verbal part of my brain).
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:(
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Some fear is GOOD... because it protects us from harm. I would guess that the fear-object is present when one is experiencing that kind of fear... and I think I've read, that there is an associated fear-reduction response... when adrenalin drops, breathing slows, the shaking or chills subside. People's rate in the drop of fear vary; it's unique to the type of fear, the fear-object (and all the associations with it), and the individual themselves. I don't know that much about how this process works - but since Rbrain is responsible for the feeling of "well-being" - I'm guessing the fear emotion sort of short-circuits the connection between L & Rbrain; sometimes only momentarily. The example that I've seen used: eyes see a "snake" - sends signal to brain - emotions shift into fear (fight, flight, freeze) - and then eyes blink or the sun shifts - and the "snake" is seen for what it is: a stick... and the fear-reduction process starts as the emotion of fear subsides...and somewhere in that process, I guess Rbrain - which provides context, the "background" of objects in the foreground; details; & "meaning/understanding" - begins to repair the "broken connection"; the "short circuit", initiating the fear-reduction physical response.
Not having fear, if you're say, driving over 100 mph toward the edge of a cliff in a Toyota... is irrational. Not having fear when directly faced with multiple life-altering circumstances would ALSO be irrational... i.e., no food in the cupboard, gas for the car, etc. Sane people are afraid of things!! Justifiably so.
tt's point about anxiety & fear being two separate things is a bullseye! Sometimes they do feed into each other... support each other... and sometimes fear will generate anxiety in the form of worry over "the other shoe dropping". Sometimes, that's understandable and rational... sometimes it's not. Here, circumstances and assumptions about them, need to be evaluated I think.
I've been thinking alot about fear/anxiety the past few days. I just had another heavy-duty PTSD "moment", a few days ago. PTSD is an odd bird... mine stems from trauma, a long time ago. But it can just as easily occur in someone facing a slow, chinese-water torture type of abuse... or even - and this is still hypothetical in my mind - with some forms of attachment styles. With any disruption in that "primary" parental relationship - which provides safety, security, protection, nurturance, and emotional education - there is an associated fear response; that's already been documented by people more informed about this than I. You might find some helpful clues & techniques in the PTSD literature, GS...
... and I will post about my latest episode elsewhere. The actual facts of the situation are less revelant (maybe) than what I've been observing; at least the stuff I've been "seeing" about the fear-process is interesting and enlightening to me! What you might find of interest GS, is my self-study of the spiral up into that episode and the unrecognized (at the time) mini-triggers that shut me down completely for 10-12 hours. Maybe through writing it out, I'll be able to finally put all the pieces of the process together and see the bits that I don't quite understand yet. And maybe that'll help someone else, too.
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Some fear is GOOD...
Yes. Maintaining a healthy, reality based fear is good. It's the irrational, unreasonable, pervasive, uncalled for, paralyzing, skewed fear that I fought. And you know, all those years, I didn't know how terribly fearful I was. When it lifted after those 8 months of peace is when I SAW it - in retrospect. I don't understand why it worked that way, but I experienced it. Another person might overcome it in a completely different fashion.
tt
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Hypnosis helped me SO much, after decades of debilitating, strong, freefloating anxiety that was punctuated by terrifying, ER-quality panic attacks.
It's just...gone.
I think the hypnosis itself (with a licensed clinical psychologist who was also an experienced clinical--and forensic! :o--hypnotherapist), even though I used it initially to stop smoking, and then later, sessions to deal with the very same issues you're facing, GS--paralysis over important tasks, proscrastination writ large)...there was an unexpected result.
For smoking, it worked pronto. I did not withdraw from nicotine by choice (knowing how strong my addiction was--later pointed out by the ADD doc as a natural need for a stimulant, fascinating) and have used a nicotine replacement ever since. (Yup, I'm okay with that.) But I put down those soft white sticks and have not missed them. Lungs work now. Happy heart. What a relief. With the procrastination/paralysis, it would help for a short while, then I'd relapse. But that wasn't hypnosis' failing...it was that I was undiagnosed ADD (dunno why hypno-guy didn't see it, but that's okay). Figuring THAT out has been an amazing change, with the Rx.
The unexpected result of clinical hypnotherapy, for me, was what I would describe as a rearranging of my deep mind at a key level, and I think that's why my anxiety is gone. (Not that I NEVER get anxious--I do, especially when my brother rumbles--but that's mild PTSD from bullying. Not free-floating anxiety/angst or panic attacks.)
The experience itself, of entering that state, was a deep actual 30 minutes of trust and of being healed by another human being's attention to my deepest well being and desire to help me. Even DEEPER (no pun intended), during the experience (regardless of the "topic" of the session), I was experiencing very literally a connection to my own life force that refreshed my mind with its pure force of wellbeing and drive to heal me, restore a well mind. I could call it self-love. Or energy. But it was ... the center of me, my vitality, my healthful self.
I do not, cannot, never have been able to "think" my way to that connection.
For me, that actually did something to my decades of symptoms and terror...it was a rebuke, an answer to anxiety from the very source of my wholeness (however my life or scared thoughts had obscured it).
It wasn't "belief-based" or "reasoning-based" -- it was an experience of self-love I've never had to that degree of depth, power, detail, delicacy and actuality.
So. I recommend it. :lol:
A lot.
love,
Hops
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Hops,
Yours, I think, is a great example of how each of us is apt to get 'there' in varying ways and experiences.
tt
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I do tend to push my favorite experiences...
just wish a lot I could share them!
love to you TT,
Hops
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Hi Hops,
I do tend to push my favorite experiences...
just wish a lot I could share them!
love to you TT,
Hops
Love right back to you and I like it that you share your experiences. Wish we only had favorite ones to 'push', sigh...
tt
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GS - one other practical tip I can think of to suggest:
Take the time to outline your big goals; what you want to accomplish. They can be topics from all areas of your life - including FUN and socializing/connecting, exercise, and taking time to just "be". Make sure you include at least one more level (but feel free to go into more detail) of bullet points of steps you know are part of the process. This is your "master list". Let it sit awhile and see if it arranges itself into a hierarchy of urgency (time deadline) or importance or value to you. Do any of the top level items depend on accomplishing another one first? Which one is MOST important, to continuing to work the rest? Then and only then - number the outlines top level points.
Now, on a SMALL piece of paper - I like 2x2 postits because it limits how much I can pile onto myself - pick your most critical item from the master list and draw a checkbox - what is the first step required toward that goal? Write that down. Tell yourself: now I won't forget to do this... I know HOW to do this... I know I CAN do this - no matter how unpleasant, difficult, or new it is to me. No matter how I feel about it, even! Then, pick 2 more things and repeat the process - remember postits are small and even when I cheat & write tiny, I can only put 5-6 things on a postit, even using my personal shorthand/code for things.
Put the postit where you'll see it all day long. As you complete things (and the order of completion sometimes doesn't matter; sometimes it does) check the box. When your goal is something you haven't attempted before or a new process, sometimes you have to go back and edit the master list; sometimes as you begin to see more detail about the steps and milestones in a process - it actually requires it's own list.
The most IMPORTANT step in this system, is to check the postit checkboxes - and cross a bullet point OFF the list. I tend to throw away postits after they're all checked - but if you want to; just keep them! Sometimes, I'd forget whether I'd done a step or not... and reviewing the postits let me check myself on that. And really, that split-second of checking a box or crossing something off the list is the whole point of this system, for me. I so often don't acknowledge how very much I actually DO - I'm so geared to see what is NOT done; or is left to do.
If there are things on my list that I dislike doing, or that I feel strongly resistant, or nervous/anxious about doing... sometimes I'll do that first and the second thing on my list will be a reward for actually doing it. Sometimes, I'll bribe myself with a reward first - and then expect myself to live up to the commitment to do the dreaded task.
(Admittedly this suggestion is not directly targeted at fear & anxiety; sometimes it's better to distract the part of the brain that's worried... rather than take it on a path of direct confrontation. This system is such a distraction - almost a game or puzzle; a challenge to myself. Could be something to the idea that fear & anxiety are how you manifest RESISTANCE - that inner self "no" - to what you know needs to be done... sort of a sabotage situation, you know? I resort to anything I can, in order to overcome that in myself... alls fair... and it DOES get easier and the fear & anxiety do eventually subside... with this kind of practice.
My fear is being around people in social situations - new people, even some people I know - and those annoying, wretched boundaries that I'm still learning about. The ins & outs of who, what, when & where... and why and how much openness/closure. I still feel I'm not "good enough" or interesting enough... or non-feral enough to know how to act around other people. I'm afraid they won't like me, deep down, I guess. And that feels like a life/death situation sometimes - even though I can mask that pretty well; lots of practice. The actual evidence (real, concrete evidence) I have to the contrary, notwithstanding... I still feel like this, even AFTER analyzing it to death and knowing exactly where it stems from, why, etc...
... but now that I know all that about that feeling, I can make a choice; a decision - not to let it overwhelm me, paralyze me, or get in the way of the goals I WANT to attain. And so I go to social things, feel the butterflys, the same old negative anticipation of not enjoying myself... with the understanding that my feeling is based on a belief about myself...
that's totally WRONG.
Repeat enough times that it becomes the "new normal"... and the old stuff will continue to fade away.)
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Hoo boy. Still struggling.
The key pain of the rejection and beratement for errors comes clearer and clearer to me as I work to overcome.
Progress is slow.
I am painfully aware that I use the computer and TV to dull my senses.
They are my drug of choice. Personal conversation can do that as well.
I have come to believe that hearing talk actually lights up a part of my brain that dulls the eternal flow of adrenaline.
I have also come to believe after years of looking at it, that I have a form of OCD. My brain definitely gets caught in loops.
These loops have been functioning below the radar all of my life and now I am bringing them to the surface.
Such hatred and condemnation!
The perfectionism that shuts me down.
I have made so much progress and yet none of it has manifested apparent changes in my life.
I must persevere.
The loneliness in my life in indescribable. I work at making friendships and something comes and swats it all away. It is exhausting.
In spite of these lines, I am also working hard at holding my own in looking forward and seeing the changes that I plan.
But as always I am thankful for a place to reveal my pains and my struggles.
BTW - it being father's day, I am hoping for my young son that he may have a loving family, wife and children that provide for him the family struture that I have not been able to do alone and without money. I do believe I will make a shift in that income in weeks to come. I pray it will briing comfort and safety.
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GS - maybe it's not OCD; maybe your brain just gets "bored" doing some kinds of tasks and needs another stimulus to distract it from those auto-start tapes, while you do a task that doesn't require heavy decisions, thoughts, or attention. Like, if I'm sweeping my big patio - it can take several hours - if I don't turn on the radio, then all the junk in my head starts to get active and sometimes, before I know it, I'll be resenting someone, anyone... because here I am working all by myself... and of course, that kicks anger into activity and then self-pity and then.... ... but the radio is just enough sensory stimulus to keep part of my brain "busy" enough while my body goes through the motions of sweeping, sweeping, sweeping - and still leaves enough attention for my eyes to spot that one pine needle that was trying to "get away"!
I don't know about where you are, but here it's ungodly, hellishly hot - and the humidity is over 80%. I need to go out & spray roundup before my next batch of company gets here. The forecast is for more of the same (and little chance of rain) for the foreseeable future. I REALLY don't want to do this. I keep telling myself: who really cares, anyway? Well, I do. I really want it done. Now, I know that this kind of heat is my nemesis - I'm from the land of blizzards originally, and even if I do take all my clothes off it's not going to help cool me off! And taking a shower to cool off - only means I'll need another one within the hour - but a cool shower will feel SOOOO good! (and I think I really need to, to be fit for human consumption). The sooner I get started, the cooler (well, not really, but you know what I mean!) it will be... it was 81 when I woke up at 5:45 this morning and all my windows were fogged on the outside from the temperature difference...
but here I am sitting in the A/C, in semi-darkness, checking in here.... instead. My body is thanking me - and reminding I need to eat a little something and not just drink water all day long in this heat. Even THOUGH there are "things that have to get done". And it's OK, you know? It's not bad... it's not being stuck...
because part of me NEEDS this right now.
My point being: maybe you NEED to tone down or drown out the tape loops in you head - maybe you could try just accepting that, but setting some limits on "how much" and create an informal schedule of "when". (something flexible, you know?) What I'm saying is, your need is real - and by meeting that need on a regular basis - perhaps you'll find that it's easier to do those other things on the list.
If it's automatically shameful for us to indulge in mindless TV and just hanging out online... then there are a LOT of us who qualify as "junkies". A.) perhaps we NEED that kind of downtime distraction and B.) most of us don't spend enough time online/with TV to truly qualify as junkies... (there is a scale, you know? a range - any TV isn't automatically evil if a true TV junkie is someone who watches 18 hours a day w/o doing anything else...)
... and C.) who said it was OK to kick yourself for meeting a real need that you have? Just because it's not food, clothing or shelter - doesn't mean that your need for distraction of the brain or connection via online hanging out - isn't REAL.
I'm trying to be your defense lawyer against those auto-start, self-demeaning tape loops in your head. I've been gradually doing this more & more myself - and it helps! Some good phrases, to keep handy to quiet them down are:
Who says?
Where is it written?
I don't HAVE to.
I'm giving myself a day (or afternoon or hour) off, thank you very much.
In what value system?
Who cares? (and if the answer is "me" - then I have to negotiate with myself and make an appt to fulfill the task at some future time, if not right now)
It's GOOD ENOUGH; it doesn't have to be perfect; I'm the only one who can even see it.
It's like you have to defend a boundary between yourself and your needs - and those old tapes. Well, maybe it is a boundary in reality, too. Does that make any sense? Does it work for you, too? If it doesn't, I wonder what is different... can you see it?
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PR - in response to your June 16th post.
This is a very good suggestion. I have worked on similar systems but not been persistent. I will take this push to do this and become persistent. thank you.
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I have to read your last post in bits. It is difficult for me to take in, digest and respond. So I am going to di it in bits.
This is definitely not boredom. It is profound and indescribable anxiety and it goes to the things I have written about and been working on here for several years. As I uncover and work through one level, I find more and more and more. I am very, very clear that it is anxiety. And I have come to believe over some time that it is a form of OCD. I have written and communicated with psychiatrist who are experts in fascinating treatments for unusual types of OCD. Self-diagnosis is only helpful in a search to get a diagnosis from a professional but it helps me find a means to deal with my problems which in part keep me from being able to provide an income which has me sinking further and further into an ablivion and quagmirewhich is terrifying especially because I have a son who will pay a price even greater than the one I pay.
It is not that watching TV or using the computer is shameful, it is that it shuts me down for hours and days at a time. It is not that I don't get a single chore done, it is that I cannot get any chores done. My yard is an indescribable disaster. what once was a lawn is now comepletely overtaken by weeds and voluteer trees. Rooms and rooms in my home are not usable. This is not a problem that a person can come in and cleanup in a day.
This is a huge issue that effects my very life. I already am living without gas which means no hot water, no stove/oven and in the winter no heat. My AC does not work but I hae a single window unit in my son's room. I have a toilet that no longer works. My refridgerator works but sweats and must be mopped out daily. My washer works but barely and my dryer must run 3 or 4 times in order to dry clothes.
While I can take the cold water shower my son cannot so I take him to my mother's for a bath. And on and on and on. I would if this were only about having the self-motivation to roundup a few weeds. This is a desparate life situation.
I was not able to pay my property tax this past year. I have outstanding tickets for driving without a liscense b/c I do not have the money to pay for the original ticket which I actually believe I did pay but do not have the money to hire an attorney to straighten it out. All of which will come to a head when my tag expires and I am no longer able o drive my son to school.
So this is not about boredom. And it is something that I must find a way out of in the next few weeks, something that I have been working on for years and makeing significant progress but not sustainable, daily so that I can work and count on even myself.
O and I no longer have the money to see my therapist. the loneliness is indescribable,. The fear, if I were to give in, would destroy me. but I believe that I can find way out AND I believe that I am near the portal but the struggle to get there is painful and exhausting and L-O-N-E-L-Y, so terribly, terribly lonely.
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Were I wealthy and well functioning, I would want to work on pushing forward the use of brain scans for clinical work. I believe that if I could afford a brain scan tht I could identify and understand what part of my brain is malfunctioning and making the executive function fail.
I ache not only for myself for for the many humans whose potentila is smashed to smithereens because of some part of the brain that interferes with the ability to function. I would love to help develop a center for the study of the effects of children of Narcissists and other mental disorders and fund practical studies for therapeutic solutions.
I will get out of the place that I am in but I have lost so much in the struggle and paid a price that no human should have to.
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My last post for the day.
I believe that a system like the one that you suggested on 6-16 will be very helpful to me. I must have a two pronged system - one that addressed what must be done and an order in which to do it and another that addressed the emotional - anxiety issues. The latter I have been fairly successful at. That should help me stay committed and encouraged.
I must believe that I can overcome.
Another aspedct that I believe in is visuallizing where I want to be and who I want to be. I believe that a committment to that process will propel me forward. It is a reversal of brainwashing that I experienced from earliest childhood.
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Old socks with holes in them - or any thick, cotton cloth from unusable clothes - can be used as scrub rags. Plain water is often enough to wipe down some things; baking soda does act like cleanser. For greasy dirt - soap buildup in the tub or hard water spots - cider vinegar works like a charm. Use an old cooking pot, or large glass mixing bowl as a bucket, if you don't have one because these are easier to wash and keep clean to reuse again. I use a drop or two of dish soap in a gallon of water as general cleaning solution - and it helps to leave a fresh, clean smell after, too.
Use a broom covered with soft cloth - like a cotton jersey - to pick up floor dust. A piece of cardboard can substitute for a broom or dustpan, for larger bits of stuff.
The refrigerator might need some basic maintenance. It's recommended (and I don't know anyone who does this regularly - but it does matter) that you vacumn or dust the coils on the back of the fridge and also the air vent at the floor, under the refrigerator door. This helps use less energy - the fridge doesn't have to work so hard to cool. If that doesn't stop the sweating you might have to replace the door seal:
First, open the door and check the soft plastic seal. If it's just dirty - clean it with vinegar. This may help improve the seal (and reduce the temperature differential that causes the sweating). If the seal is cracked, or falling off it needs to be replaced. The seal itself is called a gasket and can be purchased for under $10. I'm not sure if it's available self-stick now or if it will need to be glued. Walmart or one of the home stores will have it.
If your son's room is small, limit the number of clothes for each of you in this room to just one week's worth. Fold & stack & decide where each of you will keep the clothes. Your son is old enough to learn how to fold & stack clothes himself. Teach him! Small kids need to start learning these skills and habits early and even as early as 2. And then enlist his help - as your "assistant". Make it a game instead of "chores" and make sure there is a "reward" for both of you, no matter how small, for tasks attempted - completed comes later, after practice. Say that for the next hour, you'll both work at _________ task. At the end of that hour, you get to have a break and your designated reward.
At the end of each day: recount with him the whole list of things that you did. Now you're not alone in this process.
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If you have to pull everything out of his room and replace it a piece at a time it would be worth it.
Whew - thank you CB. That has been what I have been moving towards but you give ma a clear goal, a doable goal. Thank you.
As to the rest - I can do that. I have had that very method in mind but seeing it written out here is transforming. Thank you. I can do it.
PR - I agree with your cleaning tips. I always use vinegar, soda etc. Definitely time to vacuum the vent areas of the fridge.
re: my son's room
If your son's room is small, limit the number of clothes for each of you in this room to just one week's worth. Fold & stack & decide where each of you will keep the clothes. Your son is old enough to learn how to fold & stack clothes himself. Teach him! Small kids need to start learning these skills and habits early and even as early as 2. And then enlist his help - as your "assistant". Make it a game instead of "chores" and make sure there is a "reward" for both of you, no matter how small, for tasks attempted - completed comes later, after practice. Say that for the next hour, you'll both work at _________ task. At the end of that hour, you get to have a break and your designated reward.
He went to Montessori at ages 2 and 3 and learned fanstastic cleaning and straightening tricks but I have to say that his ADHD makes these things very difficult. But without question the doing things together and make them fun has been on my list for some time.
Part of the struggle throughout his life is that he makes such terrific messes that I come completely unglued and my anxiety and hopelessness and helplessness trigger complete shutdown. I will post a photo of his room and then playroom and then even the guest room which he invaded when there was not an inch of floor space in the other rooms. Were I a functioning human able to deal with mess it would be a pain and frustration - being a person who shuts down it is so much more, it is actually a catastrophe.
I am not a hoarder because I do not bring more stuff in but other than the amount of stuff when I watch hoarding shows I connect completely. I am paralyzed to get things straight. I get stuck over minutia. No need to go into detail but only I say this to make my point - it is not a matter of "just doing it" it is a matter of not being able to do it. And I trly believe that I am as powerless as a woman who must wash her hands 150 times.
But even that is neither here nor there. I have been collecting ways to overcome this and am working on utilizing them. So as I type I am getting it - I am hoping that my friends here can take my anaylsis of my own predicament or situation and accept it for me. That is a kind of validation that would be HUGE. truly huge.
Now I will go out and try to follow your most valued gifts of suggestions and great thanks for your help.
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Well OF COURSE, we accept that this is you and what you're having to deal with!
A reassuring thought for you: the rest of us have to cope with this too (in one form or another) and no one is going to grade you or score you on your performance.
Kid mess, tho' is something I know well. I survived 4 of 'em! :D LOL!
Here's another tip that might help: if a toy is broken, or missing most of the pieces, or isn't something that is played with on a regular basis... or isn't a top-10 favorite from a younger age... (and yes, you have to make them choose & it's a negotiation - not an imposed fiat, though you do have the final say on what stays/goes and how much remains...) then out it goes. The broken/lost piece toy rule also encourages them to take care of what they really do care about. Part 2 of that, is that there needs to be a designated place for those toys - even just a box or a corner of a closet - where toys go when they aren't being played with. You aren't being cruel, by limiting how many can be "out" at any one time. That rule is: if you want to play with X, you have to put Y away first.
You have to be firm, until they start to accept the procedure - but there aren't any associated punishments, either. All toys have to be put away before bedtime, to start over with a clean slate the next day. Substitute other things for "toys" as needed! With my girls - it ended up being clothes, books & CDs...
... as with all things like this, it's going to take some time and consistent practice before it becomes the "norm".
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Dear GS...
Is there NO chance you might get some medical help?
It does sound like a form of OCD, and surely you've identified anxiety disorder...
Just seems such a shame for you be be so tortured.
I have been amazed at the difference a half-dose of the ADD Rx makes for me.
And when there's no money, there are still sources of free therapy and medical care.
Couldn't you use that support while you are also battling it with your own inbuilt efforts?
love to you,
Hops
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I have been aware that I have come here and written only when down and struggling. But today I come because I am getting strong. This past year in particular has been a struggle but the struggle has been an ascent and I am thankful.
I spent hours meditating and thinking today, determined to break a barrrier - that paralysis thing.
I saw something that I would like to share.
I was thinking about men and women and male roles and female roles.
Seeing male roles as authority and knowledge and providing security and seeing female roles as nurturing and wisdom and planning.
There was such a hole, a vacuum when I ws working on the male role and as I thought asbout the female role such darkness and pettiness and mean-spiritedness overcame me.
Then I saw something that I would like to share.
As I thought about the male role I saw Blankfein - the Chairman of Goldman Sachs and suddenly I knew what I was struggling with - the American male role has become one of prowess, and hoarding. Rather than knowledge and security it is about knowledge and understanding for selfish hoarding and to hell with the rest. There is no tolerance for others only tricksterism. That selfishness has corrupted the feminine as well and the nurturing and wisdom that once spread to neighbors and other children at school has become a "mine get and those don't."
As I was thinking I then saw another type of man, in particular a professor at MIT, Simon Johnson who is a brilliant man, very knowledgeable in finance. He teaches, writes books and writes columns to educate - to share his knowledge, to spread his understanding so that our nation will grow in understanding. And suddenly I saw how out of kilteer things are now. Blankfein is the image of what is valued and Johnson is not. This allows me to make an internal shift. I value those who have developed their gifts and are about sharing them with our community and our nation because it makes us all better.
I know this is an odd post but it is so clarifying to me. I have been expecting the personal development and the sharing from "elders" as a given rather than expecting the undeveloped, fear based selfishness unless proven differently. This insight will definitely change my life. We are a fear-based people, looking to demean and destroy rather than share and build up. Knowing that I can move forward in life not looking for what I never had but determined to develop myself and provide what I have never had. It is a completely different lifeview.
I have huge windows in the fear now. I believe the paralysis will fall like the Iron Curtain as the underpinning are demolished.
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I am making a declaration to myself here.
I will give up my use of the internet as a distraction and avoidance from what I must do.
I will set a goal for my life and begin moving towards that goal.
I have been directionless for sometime waiting for life to settle around me and open up the path before me.
It doesn't work that way. Time to make changes. Mistakes allowed.