Overcoming anxiety and working

[Hopalong]

I do tend to push my favorite experiences...

just wish a lot I could share them!

love to you TT,
Hops

[teartracks]

Hi Hops,

I do tend to push my favorite experiences...

just wish a lot I could share them!

love to you TT,
Hops

Love right back to you and I like it that you share your experiences.   Wish we only had favorite ones to 'push', sigh...

tt

[sKePTiKal]

GS - one other practical tip I can think of to suggest:

Take the time to outline your big goals; what you want to accomplish. They can be topics from all areas of your life - including FUN and socializing/connecting, exercise, and taking time to just "be". Make sure you include at least one more level (but feel free to go into more detail) of bullet points of steps you know are part of the process. This is your "master list". Let it sit awhile and see if it arranges itself into a hierarchy of urgency (time deadline) or importance or value to you. Do any of the top level items depend on accomplishing another one first? Which one is MOST important, to continuing to work the rest? Then and only then - number the outlines top level points.

Now, on a SMALL piece of paper - I like 2x2 postits because it limits how much I can pile onto myself - pick your most critical item from the master list and draw a checkbox - what is the first step required toward that goal? Write that down. Tell yourself: now I won't forget to do this... I know HOW to do this... I know I CAN do this - no matter how unpleasant, difficult, or new it is to me. No matter how I feel about it, even! Then, pick 2 more things and repeat the process - remember postits are small and even when I cheat & write tiny, I can only put 5-6 things on a postit, even using my personal shorthand/code for things.

Put the postit where you'll see it all day long. As you complete things (and the order of completion sometimes doesn't matter; sometimes it does) check the box. When your goal is something you haven't attempted before or a new process, sometimes you have to go back and edit the master list; sometimes as you begin to see more detail about the steps and milestones in a process - it actually requires it's own list.

The most IMPORTANT step in this system, is to check the postit checkboxes - and cross a bullet point OFF the list. I tend to throw away postits after they're all checked - but if you want to; just keep them! Sometimes, I'd forget whether I'd done a step or not... and reviewing the postits let me check myself on that. And really, that split-second of checking a box or crossing something off the list is the whole point of this system, for me. I so often don't acknowledge how very much I actually DO - I'm so geared to see what is NOT done; or is left to do.

If there are things on my list that I dislike doing, or that I feel strongly resistant, or nervous/anxious about doing... sometimes I'll do that first and the second thing on my list will be a reward for actually doing it. Sometimes, I'll bribe myself with a reward first - and then expect myself to live up to the commitment to do the dreaded task.

(Admittedly this suggestion is not directly targeted at fear & anxiety; sometimes it's better to distract the part of the brain that's worried... rather than take it on a path of direct confrontation. This system is such a distraction - almost a game or puzzle; a challenge to myself. Could be something to the idea that fear & anxiety are how you manifest RESISTANCE - that inner self "no" - to what you know needs to be done... sort of a sabotage situation, you know? I resort to anything I can, in order to overcome that in myself... alls fair... and it DOES get easier and the fear & anxiety do eventually subside... with this kind of practice.

My fear is being around people in social situations - new people, even some people I know - and those annoying, wretched boundaries that I'm still learning about. The ins & outs of who, what, when & where... and why and how much openness/closure. I still feel I'm not "good enough" or interesting enough... or non-feral enough to know how to act around other people. I'm afraid they won't like me, deep down, I guess. And that feels like a life/death situation sometimes - even though I can mask that pretty well; lots of practice. The actual evidence (real, concrete evidence) I have to the contrary, notwithstanding... I still feel like this, even AFTER analyzing it to death and knowing exactly where it stems from, why, etc...

... but now that I know all that about that feeling, I can make a choice; a decision - not to let it overwhelm me, paralyze me, or get in the way of the goals I WANT to attain. And so I go to social things, feel the butterflys, the same old negative anticipation of not enjoying myself... with the understanding that my feeling is based on a belief about myself...

that's totally WRONG.

Repeat enough times that it becomes the "new normal"... and the old stuff will continue to fade away.)

[Gaining Strength]

Hoo boy.  Still struggling.
The key pain of the rejection and beratement for errors comes clearer and clearer to me as I work to overcome.
Progress is slow. 
I am painfully aware that I use the computer and TV to dull my senses. 
They are my drug of choice.  Personal conversation can do that as well.
I have come to believe that hearing talk actually lights up a part of my brain that dulls the eternal flow of adrenaline.

I have also come to believe after years of looking at it, that I have a form of OCD.  My brain definitely gets caught in loops.
These loops have been functioning below the radar all of my life and now I am bringing them to the surface. 
Such hatred and condemnation!
The perfectionism that shuts me down.

I have made so much progress and yet none of it has manifested apparent changes in my life. 
I must persevere.

The loneliness in my life in indescribable.  I work at making friendships and something comes and swats it all away.  It is exhausting.
In spite of these lines, I am also working hard at holding my own in looking forward and seeing the changes that I plan.
But as always I am thankful for a place to reveal my pains and my struggles.

BTW - it being father's day, I am hoping for my young son that he may have a loving family, wife and children that provide for him the family struture that I have not been able to do alone and without money.  I do believe I will make a shift in that income in weeks to come.  I pray it will briing comfort and safety.

[sKePTiKal]

GS - maybe it's not OCD; maybe your brain just gets "bored" doing some kinds of tasks and needs another stimulus to distract it from those auto-start tapes, while you do a task that doesn't require heavy decisions, thoughts, or attention. Like, if I'm sweeping my big patio - it can take several hours - if I don't turn on the radio, then all the junk in my head starts to get active and sometimes, before I know it, I'll be resenting someone, anyone... because here I am working all by myself... and of course, that kicks anger into activity and then self-pity and then....   ... but the radio is just enough sensory stimulus to keep part of my brain "busy" enough while my body goes through the motions of sweeping, sweeping, sweeping - and still leaves enough attention for my eyes to spot that one pine needle that was trying to "get away"!

I don't know about where you are, but here it's ungodly, hellishly hot - and the humidity is over 80%. I need to go out & spray roundup before my next batch of company gets here. The forecast is for more of the same (and little chance of rain) for the foreseeable future. I REALLY don't want to do this. I keep telling myself: who really cares, anyway? Well, I do. I really want it done. Now, I know that this kind of heat is my nemesis - I'm from the land of blizzards originally, and even if I do take all my clothes off it's not going to help cool me off! And taking a shower to cool off - only means I'll need another one within the hour - but a cool shower will feel SOOOO good! (and I think I really need to, to be fit for human consumption). The sooner I get started, the cooler (well, not really, but you know what I mean!) it will be... it was 81 when I woke up at 5:45 this morning and all my windows were fogged on the outside from the temperature difference...

but here I am sitting in the A/C, in semi-darkness, checking in here.... instead. My body is thanking me - and reminding I need to eat a little something and not just drink water all day long in this heat. Even THOUGH there are "things that have to get done". And it's OK, you know? It's not bad... it's not being stuck...

because part of me NEEDS this right now.

My point being: maybe you NEED to tone down or drown out the tape loops in you head - maybe you could try just accepting that, but setting some limits on "how much" and create an informal schedule of "when". (something flexible, you know?) What I'm saying is, your need is real - and by meeting that need on a regular basis - perhaps you'll find that it's easier to do those other things on the list.

If it's automatically shameful for us to indulge in mindless TV and just hanging out online... then there are a LOT of us who qualify as "junkies". A.) perhaps we NEED that kind of downtime distraction and B.) most of us don't spend enough time online/with TV to truly qualify as junkies... (there is a scale, you know? a range - any TV isn't automatically evil if a true TV junkie is someone who watches 18 hours a day w/o doing anything else...)

... and C.) who said it was OK to kick yourself for meeting a real need that you have? Just because it's not food, clothing or shelter - doesn't mean that your need for distraction of the brain or connection via online hanging out - isn't REAL.

I'm trying to be your defense lawyer against those auto-start, self-demeaning tape loops in your head. I've been gradually doing this more & more myself - and it helps! Some good phrases, to keep handy to quiet them down are:

Who says?
Where is it written?
I don't HAVE to.
I'm giving myself a day (or afternoon or hour) off, thank you very much.
In what value system?
Who cares? (and if the answer is "me" - then I have to negotiate with myself and make an appt to fulfill the task at some future time, if not right now)
It's GOOD ENOUGH; it doesn't have to be perfect; I'm the only one who can even see it.

It's like you have to defend a boundary between yourself and your needs - and those old tapes. Well, maybe it is a boundary in reality, too. Does that make any sense? Does it work for you, too? If it doesn't, I wonder what is different... can you see it?

[Gaining Strength]

PR - in response to  your June 16th post.

This is a very good suggestion.  I have worked on similar systems but not been persistent.  I will take this push to do this and become persistent.  thank you.

[Gaining Strength]

I have to read your last post in bits.  It is difficult for me to take in, digest and respond.  So I am going to di it in bits.

This is definitely not boredom.  It is profound and indescribable anxiety and it goes to the things I have written about and been working on here for several years.  As I uncover and work through one level, I find more and more and more.  I am very, very clear that it is anxiety.  And I have come to believe over some time that it is a form of OCD.  I have written and communicated with psychiatrist who are experts in fascinating treatments for unusual types of OCD.  Self-diagnosis is only helpful in a search to get a diagnosis from a professional but it helps me find a means to deal with my problems which in part keep me from being able to provide an income which has me sinking further and further  into an ablivion and quagmirewhich is terrifying especially because I have a son who will pay a price even greater than the one I pay.

It is not that watching TV or using the computer is shameful, it is that it shuts me down for hours and days at a time.  It is not that I don't get a single chore done, it is that I cannot get any chores done.  My yard is an indescribable disaster.  what once was a lawn is now comepletely overtaken by weeds and voluteer trees.  Rooms and rooms in my home are not usable.  This is not a problem that a person can come in and cleanup in a day.

This is a huge issue that effects my very life.  I already am living without gas which means no hot water, no stove/oven and in the winter no heat.  My AC does not work but I hae a single window unit in my son's room.  I have a toilet that no longer works.  My refridgerator works but sweats and must be mopped out daily.  My washer works but barely and my dryer must run 3 or 4 times in order to dry clothes.

While I can take the cold water shower my son cannot so I take him to my mother's for a bath.  And on and on and on.  I would if this were only about having the self-motivation to roundup a few weeds.  This is a desparate life situation.
 
I was not able to pay my property tax this past year.  I have outstanding tickets for driving without a liscense b/c I do not have the money to pay for the original ticket which I actually believe I did pay but do not have the money to hire an attorney to straighten it out.  All of which will come to a head when my tag expires and I am no longer able o drive my son to school. 

So this is not about boredom.  And it is something that I must find a way out of in the next few weeks, something that I have been working on for years and makeing significant progress but not sustainable, daily so that I can work and count on even myself. 

O and I no longer have the money to see my therapist.  the loneliness is indescribable,.  The fear, if I were to give in, would destroy me.  but I believe that I can find way out AND I believe that I am near the portal but the struggle to get there is painful and exhausting and L-O-N-E-L-Y, so terribly, terribly lonely.

[Gaining Strength]

Were I wealthy and well functioning, I would want to work on pushing forward the use of brain scans for clinical work.  I believe that if I could afford a brain scan tht I could identify and understand what part of my brain is malfunctioning and making the executive function fail. 

I ache not only for myself for for the many humans whose potentila is smashed to smithereens because of some part of the brain that interferes with the ability to function.  I would love to help develop a center for the study of the effects of children of Narcissists and other mental disorders and fund practical studies for therapeutic solutions.

I will get out of the place that I am in but I have lost so much in the struggle and paid a price that no human should have to.

[Gaining Strength]

My last post for the day.

I believe that a system like the one that you suggested on 6-16 will be very helpful to me.  I must have a two pronged system - one that addressed what must be done and an order in which to do it and another that addressed the emotional - anxiety issues.  The latter I have been fairly successful at.  That should help me stay committed and encouraged.

I must believe that I can overcome.

Another aspedct that I believe in is visuallizing where I want to be and who I want to be.  I believe that a committment to that process will propel me forward.  It is a reversal of brainwashing that I experienced from earliest childhood.

[sKePTiKal]

Old socks with holes in them - or any thick, cotton cloth from unusable clothes - can be used as scrub rags. Plain water is often enough to wipe down some things; baking soda does act like cleanser. For greasy dirt - soap buildup in the tub or hard water spots - cider vinegar works like a charm. Use an old cooking pot, or large glass mixing bowl as a bucket, if you don't have one because these are easier to wash and keep clean to reuse again. I use a drop or two of dish soap in a gallon of water as general cleaning solution - and it helps to leave a fresh, clean smell after, too.

Use a broom covered with soft cloth - like a cotton jersey - to pick up floor dust. A piece of cardboard can substitute for a broom or dustpan, for larger bits of stuff.

The refrigerator might need some basic maintenance. It's recommended (and I don't know anyone who does this regularly - but it does matter) that you vacumn or dust the coils on the back of the fridge and also the air vent at the floor, under the refrigerator door. This helps use less energy - the fridge doesn't have to work so hard to cool. If that doesn't stop the sweating you might have to replace the door seal:

First, open the door and check the soft plastic seal. If it's just dirty - clean it with vinegar. This may help improve the seal (and reduce the temperature differential that causes the sweating). If the seal is cracked, or falling off it needs to be replaced. The seal itself is called a gasket and can be purchased for under $10. I'm not sure if it's available self-stick now or if it will need to be glued. Walmart or one of the home stores will have it.

If your son's room is small, limit the number of clothes for each of you in this room to just one week's worth. Fold & stack & decide where each of you will keep the clothes. Your son is old enough to learn how to fold & stack clothes himself. Teach him! Small kids need to start learning these skills and habits early and even as early as 2. And then enlist his help - as your "assistant". Make it a game instead of "chores" and make sure there is a "reward" for both of you, no matter how small, for tasks attempted - completed comes later, after practice. Say that for the next hour, you'll both work at _________ task. At the end of that hour, you get to have a break and your designated reward.

At the end of each day: recount with him the whole list of things that you did. Now you're not alone in this process.

[Gaining Strength]

If you have to pull everything out of his room and replace it a piece at a time it would be worth it.

Whew - thank you CB.  That has been what I have been moving towards but you give ma a clear goal, a doable goal.  Thank you.

As to the rest - I can do that.  I have had that very method in mind but seeing it written out here is transforming.  Thank you.  I can do it.

PR - I agree with your cleaning tips.  I always use vinegar, soda etc.  Definitely time to vacuum the vent areas of the fridge.
re: my son's room

If your son's room is small, limit the number of clothes for each of you in this room to just one week's worth. Fold & stack & decide where each of you will keep the clothes. Your son is old enough to learn how to fold & stack clothes himself. Teach him! Small kids need to start learning these skills and habits early and even as early as 2. And then enlist his help - as your "assistant". Make it a game instead of "chores" and make sure there is a "reward" for both of you, no matter how small, for tasks attempted - completed comes later, after practice. Say that for the next hour, you'll both work at _________ task. At the end of that hour, you get to have a break and your designated reward.

He went to Montessori at ages 2 and 3 and learned fanstastic cleaning and straightening tricks but I have to say that his ADHD makes these things very difficult.  But without question the doing things together and make them fun has been on my list for some time.
Part of the struggle throughout his life is that he makes such terrific messes that I come completely unglued and my anxiety and hopelessness and helplessness trigger complete shutdown.   I will post a photo of his room and then playroom and then even the guest room which he invaded when there was not an inch of floor space in the other rooms.  Were I a functioning human able to deal with mess it would be a pain and frustration - being a person who shuts down it is so much more, it is actually a catastrophe.

I am not a hoarder because I do not bring more stuff in but other than the amount of stuff when I watch hoarding shows I connect completely.  I am paralyzed to get things straight.  I get stuck over minutia.  No need to go into detail but only I say this to make my point - it is not a matter of "just doing it" it is a matter of not being able to do it.  And I trly believe that I am as powerless as a woman who must wash her hands 150 times. 

But even that is neither here nor there.  I have been collecting ways to overcome this and am working on utilizing them.  So as I type I am getting it - I am hoping that my friends here can take my anaylsis of my own predicament or situation and accept it for me.  That is a kind of validation that would be HUGE.  truly huge.

Now I will go out and try to follow your most valued gifts of suggestions and great thanks for your help.

[sKePTiKal]

Well OF COURSE, we accept that this is you and what you're having to deal with!
A reassuring thought for you: the rest of us have to cope with this too (in one form or another) and no one is going to grade you or score you on your performance.

Kid mess, tho' is something I know well. I survived 4 of 'em!    LOL!

Here's another tip that might help: if a toy is broken, or missing most of the pieces, or isn't something that is played with on a regular basis... or isn't a top-10 favorite from a younger age... (and yes, you have to make them choose & it's a negotiation - not an imposed fiat, though you do have the final say on what stays/goes and how much remains...) then out it goes. The broken/lost piece toy rule also encourages them to take care of what they really do care about. Part 2 of that, is that there needs to be a designated place for those toys - even just a box or a corner of a closet - where toys go when they aren't being played with. You aren't being cruel, by limiting how many can be "out" at any one time. That rule is: if you want to play with X, you have to put Y away first.

You have to be firm, until they start to accept the procedure - but there aren't any associated punishments, either. All toys have to be put away before bedtime, to start over with a clean slate the next day. Substitute other things for "toys" as needed! With my girls - it ended up being clothes, books & CDs...

... as with all things like this, it's going to take some time and consistent practice before it becomes the "norm".

[Hopalong]

Dear GS...
Is there NO chance you might get some medical help?

It does sound like a form of OCD, and surely you've identified anxiety disorder...

Just seems such a shame for you be be so tortured.

I have been amazed at the difference a half-dose of the ADD Rx makes for me.

And when there's no money, there are still sources of free therapy and medical care.

Couldn't you use that support while you are also battling it with your own inbuilt efforts?

love to you,
Hops

[Gaining Strength]

I have been aware that I have come here and written only when down and struggling.  But today I come because I am getting strong.  This past year in particular has been a struggle but the struggle has been an ascent and I am thankful.   

I spent hours meditating and thinking today, determined to break a barrrier - that paralysis thing.
I saw something that I would like to share. 
I was thinking about men and women and male roles and female roles.
Seeing male roles as authority and knowledge and providing security and seeing female roles as nurturing and wisdom and planning.
There was such a hole, a vacuum when I ws working on the male role and as I thought asbout the female role such darkness and pettiness and mean-spiritedness overcame me.

Then I saw something that I would like to share.
As I thought about the male role I saw Blankfein - the Chairman of Goldman Sachs and suddenly I knew what I was struggling with - the American male role has become one of prowess, and hoarding.  Rather than knowledge and security it is about knowledge and understanding for selfish hoarding and to hell with the rest.  There is no tolerance for others only tricksterism.  That selfishness has corrupted the feminine as well and the nurturing and wisdom that once spread to neighbors and other children at school has become a "mine get and those don't."

As I was thinking I then saw another type of man, in particular a professor at MIT, Simon Johnson who is a brilliant man, very knowledgeable in finance.  He teaches, writes books and writes columns to educate - to share his knowledge, to spread his understanding so that our nation will grow in understanding.  And suddenly I saw how out of kilteer things are now.  Blankfein is the image of what is valued and Johnson is not.  This allows me to make an internal shift.  I value those who have developed their gifts and are about sharing them with our community and our nation because it makes us all better.

I know this is an odd post but it is so clarifying to me.  I have been expecting the personal development and the sharing from "elders" as a given rather than expecting the undeveloped, fear based selfishness unless proven differently.  This insight will definitely change my life.  We are a fear-based people, looking to demean and destroy rather than share and build up.  Knowing that I can move forward in life not looking for what I never had but determined to develop myself and provide what I have never had.  It is a completely different lifeview.

I have huge windows in the fear now.  I believe the paralysis will fall like the Iron Curtain as the underpinning are demolished.

[Gaining Strength]

I am making a declaration to myself here.
I will give up my use of the internet as a distraction and avoidance from what I must do.
I will set a goal for my life and begin moving towards that goal.
I have been directionless for sometime waiting for life to settle around me and open up the path before me.
It doesn't work that way.  Time to make changes.  Mistakes allowed.