Overcoming anxiety and working

[Gaining Strength]

I continue to make progress in a very slow pace.

I am findinng that my anxiety is the key to moving forwarrd.  I have developed a meditation or rather two that work in tandem.  One deals with anxiety and specific fearrs such as rejection and failure and the other deals with being loved and accepted.  As I work with these I realized that when good things have come my way, especially early on, I was often sabotaged and developed a fear reaction to good things.  I have lots of examples.

The key for me right now is learning how to recreate a placce without anxietty and to hold on to it and grow it.
I found that place yesterday morning and it grew and grew during the day until early afternoon.  By last night I cold not find it at all.  It was gone all through the nigh.  With little sleep I would awake over and over again and use my meditation.  I found no relief until the morning.  But I know the key is to keep working to hold that feeling and to grow it.  It is the whole key to healing and moving forward. 

When I was in that place yesterday, I accomplished a good bit but more than that my vision of what I can do was enormous.

I will continue to work on feeling that place of accomplishment and strength and holdinng on to it. 

I have such a strong desire and need really to share this with someone.  I knew that I might find peopple sho understand here or at least people  who care and will offer support.  Fear is so easy to slipinto but I must fight it and fight it.

[Patrick]

Hi G.S.

Being fairly new here I'm not familiar with everyone and their battles and victories and am often not able to put into words what is helpful to say in many instances.  But, I can give you a link to a wonderful website run by Gwen Randall-Young.  I'm sure you will find her essays immensley moving.  I have pasted below, an article of hers which I saved some years ago (but I can't locate it on her new website).    http://www.gwen.ca/resources/articles/

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Anxiety is Ego’s Shadow    by Gwen Randall-Young  -  from her "The Universe Within" essays

In my practice, I treat many people for anxiety, which probably everyone has experienced at some time in their lives. In certain situations, anxiety is normal:
when someone close to us experiences a sudden serious illness, if we have momentarily lost sight of our young child, or there is a terrorist threat.
Many people, however, suffer anxiety over the ordinary events of life, and I became curious about how we could understand anxiety from the perspective of
ego and soul. It seems clear to me that anxiety is an ego reaction, based on fear.

While in scientific terms, the opposite of an anxious state would be a relaxed state, in ego and soul terms, the opposite of anxiety is trust.
I say this because when we experience anxiety, it is generally because we do not feel in control of a situation. We fear things will not turn
out the way we hope and that we will experience loss, failure or embarrassment.

Ego, as we well know, has a mind of its own. It experiences the world in terms of good/bad, right/wrong, win/lose and other polar opposites.
For ego, it is as though life is full of coin tosses, and ego wants to win the flip every time. Statistically, this is impossible, so ego must work in
a variety of ways to achieve the outcome it desires. If the outcome is not guaranteed, ego begins to fret.

Not only does ego worry about the outcome, but it also conjures up all manner of consequences that would follow an undesirable result.
Hence, this kind of thinking: “If he doesn’t ask me out, I’ll probably be alone for the rest of my life. Then I will undoubtedly struggle financially,
and end up being a bag-lady.”   Or, “If my child disobeys me when he is five, what will he be like at 15? He’ll probably have a bad attitude and
get in with the wrong crowd. Then he’ll get into drugs and end up on the street.” These catastrophic, ego-based prophecies are a perfect
formula for generating anxiety.

If we come from the perspective of soul, our world looks and feels different. Soul recognizes that our lives unfold and that our circumstances
form the curriculum of study for this lifetime. Things will not always go according to our plan. That would be too easy. Rather, life will surprise,
disappoint, confound, dismay and puzzle us. Just when you think you have it all figured out, it changes. We learn that we can either play it safe,
sticking with the familiar, or we can take risks, try new things and stretch ourselves.

The choice is not always ours. Unplanned occurrences can reshape us in ways we never dreamed possible. Sometimes, the worst thing that could
have happened to us turns out to be the best thing that ever happened.  It is easy to see why this is a difficult, challenging and frustrating game
for ego to play. There really are no rules one can count on. Ego only frustrates, worries and agitates itself, trying to beat the system.

Soul, on the other hand, trusts the big picture. Soul accepts that life will be an interesting adventure and we will win some and lose some.
That doesn’t matter so much, as long as we are growing, learning and gaining wisdom, perhaps even enlightenment.  Soul patiently waits to see
how long ego will struggle before figuring it out. Soul knows that ego needs only to surrender in order to cease the struggle. When ego does surrender,
life becomes calmer, smoother and more relaxed. Life is still what it was; life was never the problem. The difference is that ego has given up resisting the irresistible.
As for anxiety, the minute we surrender, release our attachments and trust in the flow of life, it disappears, for it was never real. It was only ego’s shadow.

Gwen Randall-Young is an author and psychotherapist in private practice. For more articles and information about her books and CDs, visit www.gwen.ca


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Be courageous and strong.

Patrick
 

[Gaining Strength]

How thoughtful Patrick.  I can use any and all help in dealing with the fear that has been a part of my life forever.

[sKePTiKal]

Hey - I think you're on to something with your meditation! Even just knowing "the place" beyond the fear is attainable, now, for you... is a major, major step in the right direction. Can also watch your breathing in that meditation? Do you notice any changes?

What I'm getting at, is something I've noticed in my own experience - even though paying close attention to slow breathing and letting thoughts float past me - there comes a point when I notice that my breathing is speeding up, becoming shallower... and the thoughts fly faster... dragging bits of my awareness right along with them down the rat-trails of worry/anxiety again. Slowing the breath - even if you have to repeatedly slow down again - helps. And some nights... I have to do this alot.

I've noticed that I still get these night-time thought anxiety storms a.) after drinking coffee late in the day (DUH!!!) and b.) when I'm jettisoning another "comfort zone level" of habit/routine that was getting my way. And mostly, they're just "thought" storms - the old mental habits of thinking negative things... there isn't so much emotion attached to them anymore.

But in the beginning?? OH YEAH.... petrifying anxiety over the most trivial things. It's sort of the "labor pains" Hops mentioned due to breaking out of the old... and into the new. It gets better with practice, sweetie... and yes, it's just like getting up every two hours with a newborn... it's not easy - but it's really not that difficult, either. And of course, the reason for doing it is that YOU'RE WORTH IT - even if it is inconvenient, uncomfortable, and extremely challenging - RIGHT?

[Gaining Strength]

I am pushing forwarrd and getting stronger. 
Months ago I discovered that I could toggle out of fear and into determination.  I am getting better and better at this.
I am also getting stronger as i continue using these meditations so that when I lapse into the fear place, even if I cannot get out of it, I know it won't last. 

Determination is a good place for me, it is very different from the fear laced analogy of pushing harder on the accelerator only to get further and further into the rut.

oh PR, thank you.  I connect with what you have written.  I will continue to concentrate on my breathing.  I know from reading and from experience that as I focus on where I am going (healing, post anxiety) it gets stronger.  I know that I will continue to build on that and be able to access it.  I have decided to cut out caffeine post-haste.  But even when I get into the anxiety space I know it will no longer destroy me as it has for most of my life.  I can finally see a post anxiety life.  Thank heavens.  And thank heavens for this place and these people and for you PR.

[swimmer]

Gaining Strength-

I can really relate to what you are saying about feeling a sense of getting on top of something and by later in the day have forgotten the feeling of what was just gained.  I like your tactic to deal with anxiety as it comes and know that it will pass.  My husband and I have our own disorganized way about life sometimes and we say to eachother 2 steps ahead, 1 back then next time 4 steps ahead etc.....

It sounds like you have definately are in the upswing overall with your confidance though GS.  Thx for sharing, I really needed to hear what you shared today.  I made some progress lately with my confidance and was concerned I forgot that "feeling". 

It's there, maybe people without out types of issues have days like these too, who knows... Anyways, have a lovely weekend, feel the progress you've made.... Or wait for it to come back, it will definately! 
 

[sKePTiKal]

You're welcome, GS!

Hugs,

[Gaining Strength]

The daily exercise and meditation is helping.

Now it is time to push the envelope.
I must get more organized and plan my time to be most effective.
I have spent years now doing things to stop feeling the wretched electical impulses of anxiety.  thank heavens those things involved being on the internet and reading and chatting rather than anything more destructive.  But the time has come to move on past that.

I hope to use this space to work through this new process.

Time to live actively rather than passively.

[Gaining Strength]

Giving up my addiction to Huffington Post.  I've tried it before but was not successful.  It is sucking the productive life out of me.  When I begin to think about being productive the minor panic button gets pressed and I go into divergent mode, looking for anything that will dull the pain and the computer is the easiest quickest fix with the fewest side effects - except the utter waste of precious time.

I am going my meditation to set up a thought experiment to keep me on track.
Sitting down, planning and executing the plans is such an anxiety trigger for me.  It is indescribable.  But my life truly depends on it and my son's life as well.

[sKePTiKal]

GS - what happens, if you try to do the planning/organizing from the feeling of the anxiety? Or do you have to be outside of it, to work? Is that even possible? Like, going ahead flying even when one is terrified of flying?? I'm trying to understand... 'coz it seems like you might be able to "schedule" time and activities specifically FOR the anxiety (and intentionally keep that time short; but put 100% of your attention on WHAT the anxiety is about during that "appointment"). Then, schedule active "work" in between times for addressing the old ANX - and ALSO reward/self-care sessions for any active work done, whatsoever - including JUST thinking about it!

I'm rather unsure about the value of my suggestions/advice today... but I do know, that one thing that actually helps my bouts of anxiety is to do mindless cleanup... broom sweeping, vacumning, pulling weeds... and that all contributes to the satisfaction of a "job well done" later... and also frees part of my mind to "think" (and plan, organize, create) non-verbally... and lets those ideas get closer to the surface (and verbal part of my brain).

[teartracks]

[sKePTiKal]

Some fear is GOOD... because it protects us from harm. I would guess that the fear-object is present when one is experiencing that kind of fear... and I think I've read, that there is an associated fear-reduction response... when adrenalin drops, breathing slows, the shaking or chills subside. People's rate in the drop of fear vary; it's unique to the type of fear, the fear-object (and all the associations with it), and the individual themselves. I don't know that much about how this process works - but since Rbrain is responsible for the feeling of "well-being" - I'm guessing the fear emotion sort of short-circuits the connection between L & Rbrain; sometimes only momentarily. The example that I've seen used: eyes see a "snake" - sends signal to brain - emotions shift into fear (fight, flight, freeze) - and then eyes blink or the sun shifts - and the "snake" is seen for what it is: a stick... and the fear-reduction process starts as the emotion of fear subsides...and somewhere in that process, I guess Rbrain - which provides context, the "background" of objects in the foreground; details; & "meaning/understanding" - begins to repair the "broken connection"; the "short circuit", initiating the fear-reduction physical response.

Not having fear, if you're say, driving over 100 mph toward the edge of a cliff in a Toyota... is irrational. Not having fear when directly faced with multiple life-altering circumstances would ALSO be irrational... i.e., no food in the cupboard, gas for the car, etc. Sane people are afraid of things!! Justifiably so.

tt's point about anxiety & fear being two separate things is a bullseye! Sometimes they do feed into each other... support each other... and sometimes fear will generate anxiety in the form of worry over "the other shoe dropping". Sometimes, that's understandable and rational... sometimes it's not. Here, circumstances and assumptions about them, need to be evaluated I think.

I've been thinking alot about fear/anxiety the past few days. I just had another heavy-duty PTSD "moment", a few days ago. PTSD is an odd bird... mine stems from trauma, a long time ago. But it can just as easily occur in someone facing a slow, chinese-water torture type of abuse... or even - and this is still hypothetical in my mind - with some forms of attachment styles. With any disruption in that "primary" parental relationship - which provides safety, security, protection, nurturance, and emotional education - there is an associated fear response; that's already been documented by people more informed about this than I. You might find some helpful clues & techniques in the PTSD literature, GS...

... and I will post about my latest episode elsewhere. The actual facts of the situation are less revelant (maybe) than what I've been observing; at least the stuff I've been "seeing" about the fear-process is interesting and enlightening to me! What you might find of interest GS, is my self-study of the spiral up into that episode and the unrecognized (at the time) mini-triggers that shut me down completely for 10-12 hours. Maybe through writing it out, I'll be able to finally put all the pieces of the process together and see the bits that I don't quite understand yet. And maybe that'll help someone else, too.

[teartracks]

Some fear is GOOD...

Yes.  Maintaining a healthy, reality based fear is good.   It's the irrational, unreasonable, pervasive, uncalled for, paralyzing, skewed fear that I fought.   And you know, all those years, I didn't know how terribly fearful I was.  When it lifted after those 8 months of peace is when I SAW it - in retrospect.  I don't understand why it worked that way, but I experienced it.  Another person might overcome it in a completely different fashion.

tt



 

[Hopalong]

Hypnosis helped me SO much, after decades of debilitating, strong, freefloating anxiety that was punctuated by terrifying, ER-quality panic attacks.

It's just...gone.

I think the hypnosis itself (with a licensed clinical psychologist who was also an experienced clinical--and forensic!  --hypnotherapist), even though I used it initially to stop smoking, and then later, sessions to deal with the very same issues you're facing, GS--paralysis over important tasks, proscrastination writ large)...there was an unexpected result.

For smoking, it worked pronto. I did not withdraw from nicotine by choice (knowing how strong my addiction was--later pointed out by the ADD doc as a natural need for a stimulant, fascinating) and have used a nicotine replacement ever since. (Yup, I'm okay with that.) But I put down those soft white sticks and have not missed them. Lungs work now. Happy heart. What a relief. With the procrastination/paralysis, it would help for a short while, then I'd relapse. But that wasn't hypnosis' failing...it was that I was undiagnosed ADD (dunno why hypno-guy didn't see it, but that's okay). Figuring THAT out has been an amazing change, with the Rx.

The unexpected result of clinical hypnotherapy, for me, was what I would describe as a rearranging of my deep mind at a key level, and I think that's why my anxiety is gone. (Not that I NEVER get anxious--I do, especially when my brother rumbles--but that's mild PTSD from bullying. Not free-floating anxiety/angst or panic attacks.)

The experience itself, of entering that state, was a deep actual 30 minutes of trust and of being healed by another human being's attention to my deepest well being and desire to help me. Even DEEPER (no pun intended), during the experience (regardless of the "topic" of the session), I was experiencing very literally a connection to my own life force that refreshed my mind with its pure force of wellbeing and drive to heal me, restore a well mind. I could call it self-love. Or energy. But it was ... the center of me, my vitality, my healthful self.

I do not, cannot, never have been able to "think" my way to that connection.

For me, that actually did something to my decades of symptoms and terror...it was a rebuke, an answer to anxiety from the very source of my wholeness (however my life or scared thoughts had obscured it).

It wasn't "belief-based" or "reasoning-based" -- it was an experience of self-love I've never had to that degree of depth, power, detail, delicacy and actuality.

So. I recommend it. 
A lot.

love,
Hops

[teartracks]

Hops,

Yours, I think, is a great example of how each of us is apt to get 'there' in varying ways and experiences.

tt