Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Meh on August 12, 2010, 03:40:49 PM
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My N-mother has been telling me that I am cold hearted and selfish for not seeing my brother's two children (my nephews). My mother tells me I'm a pathetic person. I didn't go to my brother's wedding. My name came up during his nasty divorce proceedings despite the fact that I had never met his family or his ex-wife.
My brother is visiting from out of state and he is staying at my Narcissistic mother's house.
I saw him and the children a couple of days ago for the first time, one is 5, one is 8 years old. I hadn't planned on being at my N-mother's house or visiting them. It just randomly happened that I was in the emergency room, and I asked my n-mother to pick me up because I don't have anyone else around who would do that for me. Turned out that the doctor just thinks it was kidney stones.
I wish I had a better personal support system, I wouldn't ask my mother for help if I had someone else to ask.
I ended up at my mother's house. So, I made easter eggs with the kids because according to my Mother the kids didn't get to do this at easter time and they really wanted to. It was pretty simple to do, boil some eggs, dissolve some dye and encourage the kids while they are making them, it's not like it's difficult to do. I hid the eggs around the yard for the kids and watched them find the eggs. My alcoholic brother was just sitting inside on a computer during this, no interest in it at all. I also went to the fair with the kids and my N-Mother, I got on the rides with the kids, my alcoholic brother just sat at home on the computer and didn't come to the fair. I took the kids for a walk down to the beach so they could collect shells. I played baseball with them. I had fun hanging out with the kids. One of my nephews sits for hours upon hours on a little video-game-player every single day and no one limits the time he spends doing this.
My mother and her husband bring home big boxes of beer and my brother is drinking himself into a stupor every single night. He drinks 4-5 beers and then he starts drinking tequila, he is also sneaking outside through the downstairs basement to smoke. The kids don't brush their teeth at night because he is already in a mumbling stupor by their bedtime, I have them come and brush their teeth at the same time I'm brushing mine. After one night that I point out to my n-mother "grandma" that the kids are not brushing their teeth, n-mother tells me to "lay off" and then she gets out a toothbrush and starts brushing her pet poodles teeth???? The kids are eatting junk that my n-mother is feeding them, she says how she wants the vacation to be "idyllic", the kids are eatting icecream, popcycles, hard candies, juice, soda, french fries, pie, cake and it goes on and on from morning to night its a sugarfest. I tell her that the kids are eatting too much junk and then she says in front of one of the boys that "he is chubby", the poor kid then shows me his stomach later after we have gone for a walk and asks me if he is less chubby after the walk, I just pat his back and say "honey it's ok" because I don't know what else to say.
It comes up somehow that the kids are not brushing their teeth and my brother's response to it is "I don't brush my own teeth". It's a response that sends the message he neglects himself so it's ok to neglect the kid's health..........and it's familiar I went through this when I was a child.
The thing is, the toothbrushes are sitting there and the toothpaste is there. The kids are not getting the right kind of routines and supervision.
They are not my kids and I have my own problems to face. I can't fix the situation and that is why I never wanted to meet his family. During the time I was there though, I made them brush their teeth, I clipped their long fingernails because my brother is too lazy to do it when I set the clippers right in front of him on the table. I can't stand my brother he is a foul jerk. Somehow this sort of stuff is overlooked and my relatives seem to be entertained by his weird buffoonish stories when he is drunk.
So fast forward the next day, I'm in the car with my alcoholic brother and my narcissistic mother, and the two kids. Something sets my brother off and he starts yelling at the top of his lungs in the middle of the parking lot. He gets out of the car and he is yelling at me through the window where I am still sitting and he is screaming "get out" "get out", his face is red and he is shaking and I wonder if he is going to hit me. He is screaming all sorts of nonsense that I don't even remember what he is saying I get out of the car. But before I do my N-mother says to ME "your a miserable person, you need to see a counselor". My n-mother looks over towards a building and she says "we better leave, or else they are going to report us".
I walk from the middle of the parking lot over to the entrance of a building and ask if I can use a restroom. When I get out of the restroom, a woman asks me if I'm ok multiple times and she says that she saw the kids crying and saw them going to my N-mother to be comforted. I tell them that he's my brother and he is an alcoholic and those are his kids. The woman says she is required to report anything like that. I look at her and shrug my shoulders because there is no law agaisnt n-grandmothers making alcoholic children that are horrible parents. My brother doesn't care if he is reported, somehow he is like this big monster that threatens everyone around him. My brother only has the children on weekends, the rest of the time they live with their mother whom I've never met. I think my brother's big-crazy-alcoholism is due to my mother's narcissism. Somehow my the addiction has helped my brother to be big enough that he isn't completely overshadowed by her narcissism.
Mother drives away with my alcoholic brother. I'm in an unfamiliar city, and an unfamiliar neighborhood that I have never been in before. I walk miles to the nearest bus station wait for about an hour and then spend the rest of the day catching a series of buses back to my apartment. When I get home that night I call my mother and I tell her how disgusting the scene was, that the people witnessing it inside the building said they are required to report events like that. My mother then starts telling me how I was the cause of the problem, I tell her that other people don't act the way my brother does and theres no excuse for it. I tell her it's inappropriate. My mother doesn't hear any of this and she blames me for his outburst. At this point I'm so pissed off that I start yelling profanity at her on the phone!
Mother trys to tell me that I have various mental problems. I tell her: "I've been to many therapists and I have never been diagnosed with anything like what you are trying to tell me I have, you are not qualified to make a diagnosis." She pauses for a second after I say that and then she just continues to tell me that everything is somehow my fault. The arguing just goes around and around where she tells me that I make everyone uncomfortable and miserable.
This all happened a couple of days ago. I was almost wondering if she was starting to change because for a brief period of time she started acting nice. I guess because I haven't seen my mother around my brother for a while I forgot how she is part of the alcoholism disease. After 8+ years of not seeing my brother I guess my memory must have faded about how bad it is. The scene in the parking lot was exactly like a domestic violence advertisement on television. But it wasn't on television I was sitting there witnessing it on the receiving end of it. There is not a single one of my relatives that steps in either and says "this is out of control and unnecessary." My mother actually looks to my alcoholic brother for advice, as if he is the masculine "voice of reasoning". Both of my grandparents (my mother's) parents were alcoholics so my mother has some weird "codependent" personality. She doesn't drink that much herself but she seems exactly like an alcoholic to me.
I think I actually called my mother a "f-ing B*tch" after the scene in the parking lot because I was angry that I was being blamed for my brother's violent outburst. Then, I myself lose my own dignity and flip out and say all this nasty stuff to my mother.
During the time that I'm there at the house my brother also tell's me in this mean/alcoholic cynical voice that he uses, that he thinks my father is dying. This was before the parking lot scene. My brother seems to be trying to escalate an emotional breakdown in me.
A person just doesn't tell another person that someone is dying in that sort of way.
Someday those two kids are going to be mature enough to understand what alcholism and drug addiction and abuse is or they will become abusive alcoholics themselves. I don't think those two kids will know about their grandmother's narcissism though.
Their grandmother flits around occupying herself with unimportant things but she is always too busy to focus on any real concerns.
I don't understand her interest in those two kids at all. If she cared she would notice that their alcoholic father passes out on the floor at bedtime- this was before the blow-out in the parking lot. The night that he was passed out on the floor I locked the door to the room I was sleeping in because I don't feel safe around him.
I just had to come here and write this out. Thank god I have read about narcissism and alcoholism and codependency and have self-analyzed myself to pulp otherwise I think I would have a total emotional breakdown. I lost my cool and calm and dignity and I said some profane words to my n-mother -but I'm not a total panic-attacking basket case at least not today. I guess my only triumph after all my reading and processing is that I can say "This is crazy-making, this is out of control, I can't think clearly because of what is going on, I have to get away from this."
The part that I have difficulty with is that my mother tells me that I'm a " cold hearted-pathetic-miserable person". When I tell her that my brother is an out of control alcoholic drinking out of her refrigerator, she then just continues to tell me that it's my fault for setting him off.
He yells at his kids also when he doesn't need too. I just don't understand how my mother can be proud of the family that she has created.
One day my youngest nephew was crying, by brother and mother go into the room where the kid is. My brother is yelling in a mean tone to the kid "stop crying", "Stop crying", "stop crying"... and he just wails louder. So my brother and mother come out and tell me accusingly that the kid is going crazy because I took one kid for a walk and not the other one. The older boy said he wanted to go for a walk and the younger one did not. (I had already taken the younger one for a walk the prior day). So I go into the room where the kid is crying and my brother calls in after me in this snotty-teenage-alcoholic type voice "don't go in there". I go in anyways, I bend down, I rub the his back and I ask him if he is feeling upset because he feels left out because he didn't come with us on a walk, he says "no that's no even it"- he explains to me how he saw the seashells that his older brother had and he wants some too. I tell him how there are still a lot more seashells on the beach, in fact even bigger ones then we brought back. He stops crying and he asks me where is the exact location of the biggest seashell. I tell him the location of the big seashells. I tell him that he will get the chance to go down and find some shells also. After this conversation he has stopped crying and he pops up immediately off the floor and runs out of the room.
My brother trys to tell me how parenting is harder then it looks. All I can think is that it's a lame-ass loser excuse. My brother is on disability, he doesn't do anything all day except for sit around and drink and chew his nicotine gum that smears his face yellow, he complains how he can't get a girlfriend because every single woman in his town is ugly, every last one of them. My brother tells me that he is receiving money to take 2 classes at a community college, he tells me that last quarter he got a D and an F and he blew up and yelled at one of his instructors. (he is a full grown adult). He tells me how he got all of his school books for $10.00, reading between the lines, what he is saying is that he had school money left over for his addictions.
My n-mother says "he's doing really good, he is getting his life on track, he is taking college classes, he gets to see his children on the weekends".
I personally find my mother's denial to be crazy making. That she conjures up a fantasy version of reality.
My brother is a horrible role model for those children.
My brother gets on these alcoholic rants about women and he says how some woman he dated was THE biggest b*tch he ever met, the biggest b*tch. And he says this in front of his kids, the kids are sensitively picking up everything. He says "the kids aren't even listening".
My brother says how his ex-wife's father has all these investments and how the man is cheap. My alcoholic brother told me when he married his exwife that her father was wealthy and how he would be rich when the man died, and now that he is divorced from her he is angry because he seems to think he is should be entitled to her father's money. Then a few hours later my brother goes on this rant about how he can't get a girlfriend because he doesn't have a money and a car and that it's disgusting how women only want money. My brother lost his license because of DUI's.
It seems to me that so many people have some sort of issues. My whole life I have always wanted to have a functional life, I feel like I have had moments where things are going well for myself but I have never felt like I have left the disfunction behind and made a success out of my own life.
I'm just so thankful that my brother lives in a different state without a car.
My alcoholic brother emailed me a few months prior to the white-trash-domestic-violence commercial scene that happened in the parking lot. In the email he said to me that he was worried about me because I don't have much to say to him and he told me that because I'm not very communicative with him that I should go see a psychiatrist and get put on antidepressants.
That phrase of "you should get psychiatric help" is now a comment that I have heard from my co-dependent-enabling-narcisist mother and my addicted brother.
Throughout my I have seen therapists about 8 of them. I have never been diagnosed with anything serious, they tell me that my brother is an alcoholic, that I personally have issues with depression, that my family of origin is not supportive.
Ok, I think I am done writing this out. Thanks to this board and Dr. Grossman for having this place for me to write this.
Sometimes people ask me why I write, I write it out because during the whole emotional crazy making I start to feel disoriented and out of control. By writing it out I can slowly process what is going on, or attempt to and find some personal equilibrium.
There is a voice inside of me that has to defend over and over "I'm not the cause of the alcoholism and disfunction" "I'm not crazy, and I'm not the miserable, hideous person my mother says I am."
I'm thankful for the fact that my brother's blow out was in a public place and there were people inside the building who heard him screaming and noticed what was going on, I needed that feedback from them that let me know how out of control the behavior was. I needed that witnessing. My n-mother has always given me abusive feedback, in her world that behavior is normal and acceptable.
My mother use to have an old boyfreind who would get drunk and blow up in crazy-making fits and now my brother has taken over that role I guess.
My mother always use to blame me, and I keep coming back to that point over and over in my mind how I'm bad and the cause.
Some part of me has heard this so many times from my mother and feels weak. The other part of me has studied the issues.
There is definitely alcoholism in my family and my relatives accomodate it and condone it. My aunt (n-mother's sister) picked up my brother from the airport and dropped him off. Everyone of my relatives knows that my brother is an alcoholic but they don't seem to care. My aunt and mother grew up with alcoholic parents so I guess they try to please the alcoholic.
I'm so tired, I already had a lot going on without having to go through that situation. I'm worn out of the over-all emotional toll of having such disorganized, denial-using relatives. I have ended up being rather lonely and alienated because I have distanced myself from this as much as possible but the result is I don't have a family.
My mother is angry if I don't contact her. When I am near the relatives I'm on the receiving end of verbal and emotional abuse. I've already been through the emotional ups and downs so much that it doesnt seem as bad in a way, but it still is, deep down inside I think of all the good things I've missed out on in life. I think about how I was robbed of love and a good quality upbringing. My parents would deny that but I see it now with my nephews.
The thing about my mother brushing her pet dog's teeth but the children not having an adult encouraging them to do their toothbrushing at night blows me away. ----------------------------WHAT IS THIS????----------------------------------------------
It's like the pet takes the position of a favored child..........it's just so weird......?
It seems like a little thing, but it's just so weird and it's reminiscent of my childhood. I had severe asthma as a kid that was exacerbated by my mother's smoking, her boyfriends smoking and my brother's smoking indoors as well as the pet cats that were indoors that I was allergic too. I was on steriod inhalers and various pills that made me feel weird, as a kid I was hospitalized for asthma and bed-riden for months with respiretory problems. My mother would not get rid of the pet cat or stop smoking indoors and denied that there was anything she could have done to help. She said she was just powerless to fix anything. My mother and brother and other relatives told me that I was crazy when I was a kid and pretending to be sick. My brother use to say to me "your faking it".
I think about how much effort I have put into working through the clouds of family denial and all the emotional stress that I went through when I was younger due to the sick-distorted-feedback I was given that made me think my perceptions and feelings were wrong and the disfunction was right.
I think about all the acting out and controlling and neglect- I think about how all of this energy could be channeled more positively but it isnt.
I think about how much better life COULD be if only people would start acting differently.
I don't have respect for these people. I think about how my brother rants and raves and it freaks people out. He is controlling and he gets power out of it but I have no respect for him. I can't stand him and even though his kids are fun, I don't ever want to see or hear about his family again.
My mother minimizes, and denys and minimizes and denys so much.. I cant stand her. Then she wants to talk to me about minutia and she gets angry with me and says I'm rude RUDE and disrespectful if I don't PLAY along with her game.
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Continued: So the messages that my n-mother has given to me at the end of all of this is: I'm rude, disrespectful, miserable, mentally unstable, the cause of my brother's rage, and I'm cold hearted and hurtful, my mother says I bring the worst out in people.
I think my mother must be doing some sort of projecting. It's almost like she is a twin head of the alcoholic. My brother is the alcoholic-drug-addict in the situation. It seems to me that she is projecting his qualities onto me- something that the alcoholic person would normally do themselves, it's like she is part of my brother's psyche and instead of him projecting she is projecting for him.
You know what, I'm not a perfect person but I just don't think that person she is describing is me at all. I don't think she can see me clearly because she is in some disfunctional fantasy land. If I don't play the role that she wants me to play in the family (that includes being a victim of alcoholic verbal abuse)- then she verbally abuses me. My mother wants me to be in the role of a codependent victim of an alcoholic.
The best thing that could happen in my life is that I somehow develop a good support network so I can get further and further away from these people.
Ok, I have written it out, it's a lot but I need to do it. I lose my sense of reality around these people and after a blow-out event it takes a considerable about of thinking about what happened. I also start thinking about the situation over and over, I think it's the stress and anxiety, I think that it's because I'm just trying to resolve something. Ok, I can start to let it go now. I see how badly I need to put my energy into my own business. All the drama and yelling disrupts me and I start focusing on the alcoholic and the N.
I don't like the weird confused feeling I have when my n-mother says these things about me, it's a barrage of irrational accusations she makes about my personality.
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I think you're right on the mark with developing an outside system of family and support, MB.
There aren't any solutions for your family dysfunction, at least nothing you can do about it.
It's not fair your family drains you and doesn't support you. It's non-sensical, and it's crazy making.
It's not fair your brother's kids are being raised without structure and care...... that they're being raised by an alcoholic who can't care properly for them.
It's not fair that your family is in denial and enabling your brother's alcoholism, but doing nothing to help your nephews.
It's also not fair that you're being scapegoated in the family, but there it is.
The truth and I don't believe it's going to change.
I think Mudpuppy made a suggestion years ago on the board.....
he said we shouldn't waste time trying to make sense of something that will never make sense.
Personally, I'm all for rolling around in pain and unfairness, at least till we're sick to death of thinking about it.
The goal being understanding and acceptance, not making sense, of the situation.
If I can't make peace with the facts, I find myself in the very real danger of eternal navel gazing, and that won't do.
You seem poised to make that leap, is why I brought it up ((Muffinbuster)).
Mo2
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Personally, I'm all for rolling around in pain and unfairness, at least till we're sick to death of thinking about it.
The goal being understanding and acceptance, not making sense, of the situation.
If I can't make peace with the facts, I find myself in the very real danger of eternal navel gazing, and that won't do.
You seem poised to make that leap, is why I brought it up ((Muffinbuster)).
Mo2
Mo2:
I don't see it as "rolling around in pain and unfairness". I write on this board because it's a useful tool for me, and this is how I use the board. It's possible that someone out there may find something useful in my stories even if it's not meaningful to you.
For me personally, I find it helpful to write about my experiences and I don't categorize it as "eternal navel gazing". It does DO something for me. I do need to understand the dynamics that I'm a part of in order to not be drawn endlessly into these situations. As I stated in the first post, over the years the small triumphs I have had in my own personal emotional wellbeing has had something to do with introspection even if the introspection doesn't change the situation or the people, I believe self-reflection and study leads to self-awareness and it's part of breaking the cycle of disfunction.
I need to write because of my personal experience of being "Voiceless".
In fact I love writing. Writing is like a friend to me.
I personally would encourage people to write about their experiences and find their voice in the midst of chaos. 8)
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http://www.athealth.com/Practitioner/particles/Guest_GersabeckNJ.html
Quote from above article:
"Narcissistic satisfaction and power is the all-important common denominator in substance and non-substance addictions. One way to understand a strong and progressed substance dependency is to see that it both represents and fuels an unconscious, compulsive, and destructive quest for unconditional love."
statement by psychologist Charles Hampden-Turner in his book "Maps of The Mind:"--
"Much as wine symbolizes communion, the alcoholic has taken the symbol for the reality and uses drinking as a substitute for the relaxation, fusion, surrender and security of deep personal relationships."
----My older nephew was standing in the kitchen and said out of the blue to his grandmother (my n-mother): "I wish there was enough love in the world for everybody, I wish there was enough love for every single day and for everybody." This is from the same kid that wouldnt make eye contact with anyone for a period of time according to my aunt who is a school teacher.
If my n-mother wasn't there reacting to him as if it was a cutesy comment I would have asked him more about what he was thinking and feeling. I would ask him about when he feels loved and when he doesn't feel loved, I would be curious to know if how the kids experience and interpret their life, if they just accept it as normal or if they have some understanding of something being "off".
Seems sick to me that that my mother's behavior has probably been a big contributing factor to my brother's alcoholism and then the grandkid clings to the n-grandmother (my n-mother).
It's as if the lack of love is what bonds the family together rather then love.
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Dear Muffin,
Your story was so clearly presented in a calm, objective voice. I do not see your story as rolling around in pain or whatever. Good for you for sharing your story. This is so important, not only for you, but for me too. The characters are a bit different and the situations change but the basic theme is the same. This sharing is so much a part of finding your voice. It helps me know that I am not alone in having a family that seems designed to destroy certain members.
I am amazed you are still standing after all the abuse and hysteria. The whole story of the visit shows how helpless anyone is in changing anyone else. You acted like a sane, kind person in hell. Definitely a no win situation. You are not the only one who does not have a support system. It sure helps and I am working on developing healthier relationships. I just end up feeling like I've been through the blender after family visit.
As for rolling around in pain........ I am sort of speechless. There is just no way you could escape being in pain with a mother and brother like that and coming out of denial is horribly painful. I turn to my family in the hope that things have changed but they don't change. Maybe for short periods of time but inevitably I am kept in my place as a loser.
I really appreciated the full version of what happened on your visit. There is so much there. You can see how the children were treated and it is probable that is how you were treated too. The miracle is that you have grown up and sought professional help and education about your childhood and its legacy. Going back to the family for love and support is like sticking your hand in the fire. Because love does not live there. But it is really really hard to abandon the family completely.
I am glad you shared your story. I will say more if you want me to talk about any part of the story that is bugging you. Trust your instincts, Muffin, they sound right on. The toothbrush part was a microcosm for the whole sorry mess. Very powerful denial, manipulation, disregard for children, selfishness etc. You were a scapegoat in this situation and wearing these projections is powerful. Somehow you were to blame for whatever went wrong. This is so unfair. I am glad to see that you give the projections back to who they belong to.
I hope you don't have to see these people for a very long time. It is just so damaging and you deserve to be treated with love and respect.
Blessings to you Muffin, and keep writing. I am listening and I want to hear about you and your feelings.
Sea Storm
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Hi Muffin,
Came across this on the web when I was reading about N friend who had/has a pill addiction.
In her family as a child there was alcoholism and in her marriage (alcoholism, her ex and pills herself) and then her children living with it through it. The children were removed and since then F has cleaned up his act. The difference between the addictions was.....he can love.
I'm not sure if she is clean but I do know that if she has recoverd or in recovery that the Nism still remains.
Thought you would be interested so here is the link
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-tian-dayton/narcissism-in-a-bottle-th_b_249418.html (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-tian-dayton/narcissism-in-a-bottle-th_b_249418.html)
Love Deb
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Everyone,
I think being told to quit having contact with family and stopping navel gazing is akin to asking a battered woman why do you keep going back? Just give yourself a kick in the butt.
This kind of judgmental attitude towards others on their healing journey is sadly misplaced. I come from a different background in working with survivors of abuse. Let them tell their story, let people share their stories. Try not to judge. Support the places in a person where there is strength and don't beat them down where they are vulnerable.
I have felt the lash a few times on the board myself. It is not helpful. Not for me.
Sea storm
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The best thing that could happen in my life is that I somehow develop a good support network so I can get further and further away from these people.
I second this decision! I think you are at a good place now to do this. You're fully conscious of how sick those kinds of relationships are; and how hurtful. You won't rationalize accepting this in new relationships, simply for the sake of the connection.
As far as the confusion you described and being falsely blamed for the real actions, behavior, and neglect/denial of the other "characters" in your story (all combined with the illusory/delusionary belief that somehow they can read your mind, know what you feel, and know you better than you yourself do)... this is a common subterfuge, weapon or defense mechanism used to make themselves appear not in the wrong; not accountable or responsible - to themselves and anyone else they can convince. It's a flimsy magic trick of mental/emotional sleight of hand.
From what happened, it seems to me they are the cold-hearted, pathetic ones who need psychiatric help. And even then, I am not sure how successful it would be, you know? I do know, that you are allowed to care about how awful it is even while understanding that you aren't the person responsible for trying to find a remedy... because your first "loyalty" needs to be to yourself. That's not N; that's more like duty, responsibility. That's one of the things that a lot of us weren't taught - just like toothbrushing.
Now that you've chosen a destination, good luck on your journey - and please do update us on how it's going! Please don't hesitate to ask, if you need help or companionship along the way, too.
Wishing you many good things and delightful discoveries --
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Hi Muffin,
My whole life I have always wanted to have a functional life, I feel like I have had moments where things are going well for myself but I have never felt like I have left the disfunction behind and made a success out of my own life.
This really resonated with me and so I wanted you to know that by taking the time to post your story and your thoughts, you have helped me. Thankyou.
The best thing that could happen in my life is that I somehow develop a good support network so I can get further and further away from these people.
I'm wondering if it might help to consider doing it in reversed order? What if you just get further and further away from these people and work on finding ways to help yourself develop a good support network, as you go? The reason I suggest this is because even though a good support system is helpful, I'm thinking being around this chaotic mess is causing harm upon harm upon harm, maybe? At least, you would be away from the chaos and abuse, which would help improve your spirits, I bet, and that would help you away from feeling depressed, which would help you to feel more energy for going where you want to go?
The N plan/message involves convincing you that you are so despicable/despised/unworthy/unlovable that you must remain part of the N-mess, in order to simply survive. It's an attempt to .....let's call it.... passively terrorize you into loyalty. :twisted:
I love the way you have listed everything that's happened so clearly and with such a sane voice and I love your inner voice that keeps telling you that this is wrong/crazy/abusive and you need to get away. Listen to that voice!
There is a voice inside of me that has to defend over and over "I'm not the cause of the alcoholism and disfunction" "I'm not crazy, and I'm not the miserable, hideous person my mother says I am."
What that voice says is all so true Muffin. Those are all lies that your mother is projecting on you.
Please also tell yourself positive stuff like:
"I am a good person. I can think of many examples of when I was kind to others. I am worthy and lovable. I have survived thus far and I will continue. I will distance myself from this chaos. I will leave the dysfunction behind and continue making a success of my life. I will find a good support system."
Etc.
It's so important, imho.
I hope this helps and if not, pitch it to the wind!
Sela
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Muffin???? Are you there???
Sea
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Muffin???? Are you there???
Sea
Yes, I'm here, thank you for asking and thank you for your response. - I only have occasional access to my internet service.
I just needed to come here and decompress but besides that I'm ok at the moment. I just take it all day by day, moment by moment.
My brother that flipped out will be going back home in a few days and he will be out of the state. He is not really a threat to me- it's just that it took me a little off guard that after all these years of not seeing him things have stayed the same or gotten worse.
If anything, that whole scenario just reconfirmed to myself that I was and still am correct to distance myself.
I actually had quite a bit of sadness or pity for my brother but after this I think I'm really just disgusted- yet I don't think I ever made the strong connection between my brother's issues and my mother issues but I just saw it with my own two eyes.
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Dear Muffin,
You are not the only one who does not have a support system. It sure helps and I am working on developing healthier relationships. I just end up feeling like I've been through the blender after family visit.
Sometimes I do think that I am the only person who doesn't have a support system. But I think you are correct, that many people probably struggle with this at certain times in their lives, that some people have an easier time developing a support system.
I think I beat myself up for not having a better support system.
And it is true that I still call my mother at times, like a few days ago when I was at the hospital and in a lot of pain, my mother works nearby so I called her because I don't have a spouse or someone else that would come- and she did come begrudgingly.
I think that I have always thought if I could just be independent enough then I would never need anyone to help me ever. I have been quite independent most of my life in many ways- but there are times when I just need someone else, another person to be there.
I think that is normal. I use-to think I was weak or something for that but people who have good non-crazy support systems don't think of themselves as being weak for asking for help when they need it.
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Hi Muffin,
...................The N plan/message involves convincing you that you are so despicable/despised/unworthy/unlovable that you must remain part of the N-mess, in order to simply survive. It's an attempt to .....let's call it.... passively terrorize you into loyalty. :twisted:
Sela
Thank you Sela for the insight.
I wonder how much I learned to be isolated as a kid- and if that still contributes to my challenges with having a good support network as an adult.
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Now that you've chosen a destination, good luck on your journey - and please do update us on how it's going! Please don't hesitate to ask, if you need help or companionship along the way, too.
Wishing you many good things and delightful discoveries --
Thank you, I need to work hard to keep myself on track (focus on my own journey) and not get derailed.
After a couple of days with them, I am all of a sudden so angry that I'm yelling at my mother and I start swearing and I start acting crazy...and then I have to pull the reigns and go whooah....way WAY off track. My own anger and frustration level escalates and then I start behaving in a way I normally don't- and don't want to. So after my mother is saying these bad things about me, I get so frustrated after hearing that it's as if I have confirmed what she has said about me. BUT....I have read about this in other people's stories and I know that I am reacting to a situation and that I don't normally behave that way.....that I'm just being pushed past my limit of what I can tolerate and my buttons are being pushed.
Yes, I need to focus on some simple clear goals for myself that are not related to the relatives.
Honestly- as difficult as the situation is- there are times when I do get some sort of support from my n-mother no matter how inadequate it is- I don't see myself cutting her off at this time in my life- the reason being that I do get some need met even if it is not ideal. It's not really what I would choose if I had better options.
In the past I have worked hard with my n-mother through communication telling her that I don't want to be dragged into my brothers life by her. I have told her that the less my brother factors into the situation the better my relationship is with her.
I don't have any hopes of a real relationship with my mother though I got over that a long time ago.
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I'm reading over my experience now that it as been a few days past ....and I'm seeing connections between what I have written about my own childhood and what I have noticed as an adult as a witness with my brother and his kids.
When I was processing my own stuff from my childhood I had a hard time describing some intangible quality of how the adults were just not there emotionally, physically they were there but they were not really available or engaged or interested.
I saw this with my brother clearly...how he actually prefers to be sitting on the computer looking up...stuff related to his addictions or dating services while the kids are usually watching television or watching video games. I see what my brother is looking at on the computer and I know that it is not a priority task that he is involved in, he is escaping being engaged with his kids.
I know that adults need adult time and kids need to occupy themselves sometimes but this is really something different.....its a kind of indifference and inability to find joy in the family and make good relationships.
My brother says in front of his kids about children "thats what happens when you have sex- you end up with these things and then they take all your money"..
I hear him saying this and I don't bother to respond--- and in my family among my relatives this sort of comment is passed off as
humorous...but it's really not.
My father and my mother were this way with me when I was a kid, totally uninvolved.
So even if the whole event seems bad, in some ways after my own processing, going back into the mess and seeing it confirms that the stuff that I process and many other people here struggle to work out and come to terms with are real issues that really did happen and it's not all in our imaginations. As bad as it is, there is something reassuring when I can see the behaviors and recognize the patterns rather then just being a part of the fray without understanding what is happening.
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The other piece of this is that my alcoholic brother claims that my father is ill and in his oppinion going to die from the so-called undiagnosed illness. I have not spoken to my father in many years, I do feel a bit of nagging guilt, but at the same time I have spent so much energy trying to FIX myself because of my relatives that I don't feel like I own them anything and that seems mean on my part. According to my brother he took my father to the doctor and the doctor could not say anything specific but she "shook her head" communicating things were not good with my father.
And I think that my alcoholic brother would insinuate that about me: that I am a rotten person for not speaking to my father for so many years and especially now that my brother is claiming that he is sick. My father refused medical help from the doctor though, he only went to an initial appointment and would not let them do any diagnostic tests. My alcoholic brother seems to be insinuating that I should take care of my father.
My childhood was pretty much filled up with a lot of isolation, stress and worry.
The thing is my father has never taken very good care of himself to begin with. I stopped talking to him years ago because I would start crying after our conversations even though I didn't know why. My father has also never remarried or successfully gotten into a relationship himself after he divorced my mother so he also doesn't have much of a support system himself.
I just don't think it's healthy for me to play support system for my father when I myself don't have my own life together. As much as it seems like there is social pressure to get involved in the situation because it would be the "compasionate" thing to do. I think it would not be compasionate for myself to engage in that scenario. I don't have the financial resources to help him and I don't have the medical expertise and I simply don't like these people very much. I don't hate him, I don't wish anything bad for him.....but I am trying so hard just to be different then the rest of my relatives and not be tangled up in the spiderweb. I feel like the time I spend with my relatives including my father is joyless time wasted while the sands of my own life are pouring out of the hourglass.
My father is staying with my alcoholic brother. I just don't want to go there.
So I guess I just let my relatives say any kind of bad thing they want about me. Just like my mother said bad stuff about me for not getting involved in my nephews lives. I just let it go. Let them say the bad stuff. I'm allowed to have my own life. Not only am I allowed to have my own life but there is a lot of work I need to do in that area. I have written before how my father seemed to put me in the role of a pseudo-spouse when I was a kid--- and as an adult I'm over it. I'm not going back into that mess even if he is sick.
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Wow, yeah... that's a tough choice and I can understand why there's pressure (and a little guilt) about doing the "normal" thing in a relationship that hasn't been (in your life) normal. I took the same choice with my Dad, whose health went downhill pretty quickly.
I was getting crazy phone calls practically demanding that I drop everything and move states away to take care of my dad. Even my brother was putting pressure on me with lovely statements like "if you ever want to see him again, you'd better get your ass up here". Job? Husband? Family & life of my own? That wasn't important, you see. I was able, over the last 10 or so years of his life, to find a "happy medium" type of relationship with my dad... so when I started getting all this pressure I just asked him: do you want me to come up? do you want to see me? or don't you care? I told him I'd do whatever he decided he wanted, because I did love him.
He said he didn't care. OUCH. But, on the other hand - I asked, didn't I? And I think I understand now. My dad knew I'd been in therapy remembering things he'd much rather forget and that it would be an elephant in the room. My brother had all the POA, etc... not me. And it was my brother that my dad was trying to work with and wanted close. But brother was hoping I'd bail him out, you know? Surprise - I wasn't that person anymore. And I am still explaining myself about this decision and how it wasn't my decision to make: it was my Dad's and he made it. What I don't have to explain to anyone is why our relationship was like that... not normal... I don't have to have to justify it anymore. It was what it was. And I was, sorta like you, protecting myself from getting entangled & enmeshed into a situation that wasn't healthy. I didn't always think this, but now I do:
adult children of dysfunctional families are allowed this choice, if they see they have it. And no one has a right to judge which of the choices they make. Not even the parents.
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Hello again Muffin,
So I guess I just let my relatives say any kind of bad thing they want about me.
Do you have any control over this? (Ok, I'm not really asking. Ofcourse you don't).
The thing to ask yourself might be: why do you care what these people say or think? Who's interests do they have at heart? (your's? I bet not.)
Now that you are an adult, your job is to take care of yourself, imo. They did not do the job properly when you were a child and now you must do it.
It is not your job, on the other hand, imo, to take care of any of them. They are adults and will have to do it themselves, like you are doing or live with the results.
I have spent so much energy trying to FIX myself because of my relatives that I don't feel like I own them anything
Yep. You hit the nail there. Or maybe you owe them the same respect they gave and continue to give you? No, that would be mean.
and that seems mean on my part.
Says who? Mean to who? Mean to not be superadultchildofchaos? Mean to let them suffer the consequences of their own behaviour?
They've been mean to you, Muffin! That's who has been mean and you have survived and seem to be doing your best to keep surviving. Best to be kind to yourself. Take care of you.
My father is staying with my alcoholic brother. I just don't want to go there.
And so you should not. If it was not clear before this past "visit", it sure is now. It would be like jumping into a vat of poison, I think. Not good. Not good at all.
Sela
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Since I don't have friends and family that are some sort of social support network it looks like I'm going to be staying in a homeless shelter. I have simply just run out of resources. I had a job interview last week and the previous week but I wasn't selected. I've been doing random temp work but it's not enough to get by. I found out this morning via email that I was not selected for the last interview that I went through a lot of trouble for, so I'm rather disappointed and stunned and really worn out tired emotionally by everything that is going on. Life just seems to be getting weirder and weirder no matter how many self help books I have read.
I feel like my life's momentum is out of my control and I can't imagine that I'm really ever going to recuperate after all this.
I've been on pretty good terms with the owners of my apartment for the last seven years and I just don't want to stay there and go through getting evicted it would be really humiliating to me. I've never been evicted before and I have never been to a shelter before and I don't really want to go but I don't think I have any choice right now. It seems to reflect something pretty poor about my character as a person but it's just the way it is right now. I have spent a considerable amount of my life's energy just trying to stay afloat and now I'm not even afloat anymore.
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OH M.B. -
as awful as this is for you - there's no 2 ways around it - it is what it is; please don't believe that finances or the ability to get a job have a blessed thing to do with character!! It is just as unfair to equate lack of money with a "poor character" as it is to equate lots of money with a "good character". The examples of the truth of this, are simply too many to even begin listing them....
If there is any positive energy that can sway the universe, god, the fates (and employers) in HOPE... I am hoping with all I've got, that this is a very short, temporary "darkest before the dawn" moment for you and that there will be a last minute miracle that spare you this exerience.
I also hope you can stay connected to the board and will let us provide some of the support you need.
(((((((((((((((Muffin Buster))))))))))))))))
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MB,
I am terribly sorry for this crisis and all the horrible feelings that you're swamped with.
I am sending much white light to you and hope that some solution short of a shelter...
perhaps sharing space with someone who needs a room for a while?
Oh heck, I don't know what would be right for you...but I do hope it will appear.
I'm so sorry.
And ditto everything wise and caring that PR said.
Hops
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Dear MB,
When I was processing my own stuff from my childhood I had a hard time describing some intangible quality of how the adults were just not there emotionally, physically they were there but they were not really available or engaged or interested.
I can't pretend to know how hard your current circumstances must be, but I wanted to say I'm so sorry things are so difficult. The other thing I wanted to say is that I relate to what you said in your first post this thread and especially the above quote. Over the last year, I learned that there are genuinely kind, non hostile people in the world. I'm well past middle age and just learned that truth. As you face the immediate future and the rest of your life, try to remember there are people who can help you carry your burdens AND share in your joys. It is my prayer that kind and insightful people will reach out and help you at every turn until you get on your feet again.
tt
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Thanks,
I just take it moment by moment, day by day otherwise I would get overwhelmed.
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"What is the source of our first suffering?" wrote philosopher Gaston Bachelard. "It lies in the fact that we hesitated to speak. It was born in the moment when we accumulated silent things within us." Luckily for you, Taurus, the cosmic rhythms are aligned in such a way as to free you from at least some of that old suffering in the coming weeks. I expect that you will have more power than usual to say what you've never been able to say and express a part of you that has been buried too long.
Above from Rob Brezsney's horoscopes http://www.freewillastrology.com/horoscopes/taurus.html
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Well, I found a shelter to stay at temporarily, I'm going to sleep on their couch there at the shelter because it's full. I don't know yet if they really have room for me I have to have an appointment with someone about it on Monday. It doesn't look like the hell hole I was expecting.
P.S. I made it through the night without any problems there at the shelter on the sofa- my worse nightmares of getting stabbed in my sleep or something haven't happened but then again I managed to find a decent place that is probably better then a lot of others. I think that my time traveling around backpacking in the past makes it easier for me to prepare and handle this sort of thing because I've already had the experience of living with only a few items available to me. Someone there has an adorable baby girl that I was playing with this morning, and now I am on my computer trying to orient myself and make some new plans.
:) All I can do is cross my fingers and hope that things go as smoothly as possible and I don't attract anymore complications in my life. :roll:
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MB:
I'm very glad to hear you're safe and sound and even, enjoying yourself a bit. It sounds like you really have a way with kids and that you appreciate being around them. You mentioned before that you were able to help defuse a problem with your brother's kids...
Any thoughts on perhaps working with kids in those plans of yours? I'm just wondering, as it seems you get as much (healing) as you give in the situations you described with your bro's kids.
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MB:....Any thoughts on perhaps working with kids in those plans of yours?
No, I hadn't considered working with children.
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Last night, One of the women at the homeless shelter told me out of the blue that she thought I would be a good educator.
I'm sort of tired this morning, just need to stretch and breathe some fresh air or something. It's a very churchy place, the people who volunteer at the soup kitchen are church women but they are not very warm in personality from what I can tell- it's like they just know in the back of their minds that I have sinned somehow or I'm going to sin or they think I have aborted babies or they think I have been fornicating or....who knows...maybe I'm just making that up.--They just seem dissaproving somehow- and it feels like a dissapproval of my whole being. Maybe it's to keep themselves disassociated from the people on the other side of the fence. I just don't know. Maybe they think "accepting jesus" would have prevented the women from being homeless somehow. Ehh...I'm not going to belabor the religious women..or the "convert them when they are down and out thing"...
There are two sections of the homeless shelter where I am staying. I'm in the female section. The men's section is getting fumigated today because somebody found bedbugs there. All I can think is eeeekkk!!! How gross. I try to wash my hands a lot in the shelter. I try not to touch things too much and I hope that I don't get headlice or something like that although it's totally curable and in reality some little bugs are the least of my worries.
The common denominator from what I can pick up is that all the women in the homeless shelter have poor support networks as well as issues with being "self reliant". Often the women have the situation where they have children or they are housewives or something. A lot of them have been through rehab. Some of them just got out of jail. A lot of the women at the house don't look very good physically, they are over weight, most of them smoke---even the woman who runs the place is overweight and smokes... etc.
Ironically it doesn't feel like I have fallen into the bowels of humanity. They just seem like regular people with regular people problems. Only I guess their problems are pretty visible.
There are some things that feel humiliating. I have always been self supporting, don't have children and am not married and I don't like being a "homeless" person. I'm not stinky, I don't have leaves in my hair but I do have a garbage bag covering my few personal belongings.
The social system for people who have somehow "fallen through the cracks"...is that a baby is a meal ticket...as one of my "friends" puts it.
It's true there are many resources available for women who have babies but not for single women who don't have babies.
There is an older woman there who is almost like a female version of my father, the way she converses, her body language- it's rather odd and I wonder if it is a coincidence or if there is actually a rhyme and reason to the similar mannerisms. She says that she has a daughter who was a meth-heroin addict.
I don't know if things are getting worse or if I have my head slightly above water. I'm very very off the track I had envisioned. If I could simply take it all in as another life experience it wouldn't be so bad, it would be ok...but...I don't really know what else to say right now--I'm not really building a good life for myself right now. Interestingly enough none of my relatives have contacted me to see how I'm doing, my aunt who previously was willing to help my N-mother in her efforts by threatening a "mental health check" at my door- has not even asked me how I am doing. Because she doesn't care and I know that...but I'm suppose to pretend like they care to appease them.
I'm just darn tired, wish I could go to a yoga class, go for a hike and then sleep.
There are women who just mill about the homeless shelter and I don't particularly enjoy that. I want to be working on getting something done or I want to eat, shower, read and relax...which is hard to do in shelter.....There is a river near by and a sandy beach.. so after I go get my stuff taken care of I guess I will go down there and read this evening just to be away.
There is a sort of temporary community that exists in a homeless shelter, and I have to admit that even amongst these people with so many "issues" I feel at moments like I have found a sort of community that I'm a part of-moments of feeling like I am accepted by somebody somewhere....
I was telling a woman at the shelter how I felt ashamed to seek resources that are available to homeless people and she said to me "you are homeless, you are in a shelter". But I don't think of myself as being homeless. I never really ever felt at home. Being homeless doesn't feel any different then when I have lived in "homes".....I have less leverage though and less ability to choose certain things like when and what I'm going to eat.
I'm trying to stay out of other people's business...and hoping that some of them don't get too friendly with me I guess.
I've been told that the reason why all the women are there is because they are irresponsible. That would include me. But then again they don't really know me. Are they irresponsible or are they victims of circumstance? The question begs of... who is to blame?
In a homeless shelter no one can hoard food or clothing- it is a sort of commune with regulated communal access but no ownership....
I'm managing all of my emotions and not feeling particularly emotional about anything. I'm sort of calm and mild and trying to stay organized and focused but I have some version of contempt and anger and I just don't have the right word for it. I feel like I am a ball of intensifying something...it's like a contracting serious feeling...maybe quiet and cold and veiled anxiety. Every day I have to regather my thoughts and plans. Looks like a shifting pathway from Indiana Jones or something.
The spell checker on this thing wants to correct my hyphenated "meth-heroin" word into the word "mothering"......
I didn't want to be some place with a bunch of drug addicts but so far some of the recovering drug addicts in this place are friendlier then my relatives are.
So, I tear up a little bit..here where I'm sitting in this cafe..so I guess I have some emotions going on even though I seem to be on a muted-mode emotionally. I have to go to this place today for homeless people and see what resources are available to me. I don't really want to go, I want the information but I don't want the people to see that I am homeless. ME. I just want the brochures. I don't want to be in a room full of homeless people, I don't want to be mutually recognizing these people on the street- a nod of the head "oh hey, I know you, weren't you at the "party" for the homeless"?.................I'm going to go there and get out of there as fast as possible and then go sit on a piece of drift wood in privacy and by that time I probably won't feel like crying anymore. I just want a break I want to get away from this label called homeless but it is useful...there are some resources and I need something? Ok, enough writing. I'm just rambling aimlessly now.
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((((((MB))))))
I wish you would paste this entire post, just as is, onto an OpenSalon blog.
There is a lot of posting there and that community is very caring and smart.
You deserve more readers, you write wonderfully well.
At www.salon.com, look for the Open Salon tab--upper right somewhere.
Hope you have a good supper and peaceful sleep.
Hops
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I'm gonna second Hops' suggestion. There are people who have found their way to income through just the kind of writing you're doing, but on blogs. The one that I'm thinking of is Jen Lancaster. I just read "Bitter is the New Black". I found myself hating her and laughing at the same time; she claims she's N - but the book actually shows her discovery of what empathy is and yes, she is funny in a mean sort of way. Her blog is at:
www. jennsylvania.com
Practical crap out of the way - hey, it might be a sort of survival skill (at the moment) to have the emotional volume turned down sorta low. Especially given some of these environmental, judgemental things that you're noticing in the "helpers" around you. And you can do yoga anywhere... maybe the same place you are going to read.
I'll come back and write more when I can. I heard some really interesting things in your post! But we have a bunch of last minute errands to do, before Hurricane Earl moves in for a short stay tonight and tomorrow.
Please, stay safe! (and I mean inner safe, too).
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Muffin Buster, I have not kept up with your circumstances until today. I am sorry about what you are going through. I can imagine that it is very tough to be where you are but I also believe it takes courage to do what you need to do to provide for yourself.
I am familiar with homeless shelters as for years I volunteered and worked in a few. I know what you mean about the judgemental "church ladies". But I encourage you to think of yourself as doing them the favor of giving them something to feel useful about. As you receive the food provided, see yourself as one of the "angels unaware" that they have been privileged to serve. It might give you a good feeling about yourself and about those not quite gracious servers.
Most of all I hope you can keep your eyes on the prize and remember that this is all temporary. While you were not chosen in the last two job opportunities, I encourage you to think of those as two of the "no" responses that you have to get through until you get to your yes.
I read this concept in a book by a young guy who grew up in the Detroit projects and have used it a number of times to help me and even my young son.
Like Hops, I am sending you strength and courage to get through these "winter" days and the reminder that they will not be long.
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Today there was a woman who literally has leaves in her hair- she was laying down on the ground outside of the shelter and wanted to sleep inside the shelter. She was not permitted, I'm thankful that she is not going to be my new room-mate. She urinated on herself and her toenails were frightening. One woman in the shelter who just got out of jail because she "attempted to stab her husband" is now angry at me because I told her: "I don't want to talk about it"-- during a conversation that she initiated regarding her issues with another woman at the shelter. Jeeze....I just want to get out of this place.
I'm tired, I sleep but I don't go into deep sleep because I don't feel safe.
I applied for 5 jobs yesterday, I continue to do the things that I think I need to do.
I'm employing every single coping skill I have ever acquired in my lifetime right now.
I'm thinking about a friends house that a stayed at-- in their guest room when I was visiting them from out of town, I slept so good there, I just felt very SAFE. I'm not going to have a real sense of well-being during the time that I'm staying at this place-no matter how much herbal tea I drink.
I bought a new pair of shoes on sale for less then $20.00 and I'm embarrassed to bring them into the shelter or worried to draw any attention to myself. Anyways I need to go to sleep. Good night. Pray for me.
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Millions of prayers... fluttering in the wind for you, MB!
Questions: will the jobs you're applying for enable you to get back into a small apartment? Do you still have some money saved back for that step away from the shelter? Are you in a fairly large city? (that could be a good or bad thing...) Can you really work at a job, while living in a shelter? Seems you need housing, to be able to rest... to do a good job... almost a chicken and egg situation.
I've spent some time in the past exploring ideas for true, affordable housing - it's not affordable if it's not clean and safe, you know?? The Japanese commonly live in studio apartments that are the size of walkin closets in McMansions - because that's what they can afford. This solution offers privacy and safety. Most of the other solutions I know about, involve group living - sharing a house, or at least the common areas. Sometimes there are separate, private rooms... sometimes even those are shared, depending on finances. Having security and privacy seem to be necessary requirements for people to share space, and even then group dynamics figure in. Not everyone is comfortable with shared housing. I'm not - I never lived in a dorm, I never had roommates other than "partners" or hubby's. But I have seen all kinds of new approaches to housing lately - small spaces, pods of private space around shared kitchens and great rooms...
I wonder if anything like this exists where you are?
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I wish you would paste this entire post, just as is, onto an OpenSalon blog.
There is a lot of posting there and that community is very caring and smart.
Oh, yes! I think this is a very good idea. I have read many blogs there and the perspective you have shared here is as poignant as any of them. I hope you will do that, Muffin.
CB
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Questions: will the jobs you're applying for enable you to get back into a small apartment? Do you still have some money saved back for that step away from the shelter? Are you in a fairly large city? (that could be a good or bad thing...) Can you really work at a job, while living in a shelter? Seems you need housing, to be able to rest... to do a good job... almost a chicken and egg situation.
I wonder if anything like this exists where you are?
To answer your question, I am not certain, I have applied for low-wage part time jobs and higher-wage full-time jobs. Whatever comes up first I guess. I'm hoping that I would be lucky enough to find a good roommate situation for a few months before I can move into an apartment. There are some people that have big homes and a vacant basement apartment-room sort of thing. No, I don't really have money saved for "that step away from the shelter". I will figure it out somehow though. I was able to buy some new shoes because I had a sewing machine that I took to a pawn shop but that is about it. I'm not starving and I'm not isolated- some other women in the shelter do serve as witnesses. I haven't made plans for other housing yet because I need to get the job first.
I can work a job while living out of the homeless shelter- it's not ideal but it's managable as long as things stay somewhat peaceful in the shelter.
I would tell the employer that I'm staying with relatives or living somewhere else.
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One of the women in the shelter wanted to give me two dollars and asked me to walk over to the bus station and pay the bus fare for the woman who urinated on herself to get back on the bus.
I sarcastically said something about how “it’s just not in my heart”. It wasn't my idea and I didn't want to do it because the bus isn't very close, I hadn't taken a shower myself yet this morning, and I feel a little resentful about doing things for some people. I don't have sympathy or empathy for some people who have just totally fried themselves out on drugs- I have no idea if that is the case with her but I suspect it is-(SO there is my judgement of others). And it probably is a condescending judgement in someways. I don't want to be responsible for these other people. I'm not a social worker visiting for a few minutes doing a good deed.
I don't know why but I don't like that woman-
Maybe it's not charitable of me- I don't know. I feel like there is a difference between people who are going through personal troubles and then the people who have just done too much of some kind of drug. I don't even know what. I mean maybe she has some psychiatric illness and is not a drug abuser.how on earth would I know. I’m not as nice as I used to be—maybe there is some sort of vibe from her that I just don’t like. I think what I am getting at is I really don't want to be friends with some of these people. Don’t want to get too familiar with some of them. Maybe that sounds "mean". But there is a personal cost to being "nice" to every single person. I am staying in a homeless shelter, it is a charitable situation but No- I personally don't want to be asked to do things for other homeless people beyond serving them food in the soup kitchen that is where I draw the line. I feel myself being draw into that world- all the guys at the shelter now recognize me as "one of them" and I just don't like it. But it's interesting I have never been part of that layer of society before not that I was ever close to upper class but I scraped by in an insulated way.
So I wonder when it comes to human kindness where do people draw the line and why.
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Well, perhaps when one has a lot of needs that aren't being met one automatically is less empathetic; less charitable... because it's a survival mechanism. (I guess it's a viewpoint that could explain some current social trends, too.) The meaning of this, is that humans are built to take care of themselves first - and when those basic needs are met, then they reach out to others. And it's most likely a temporary condition; I don't believe you're an inherently judgemental, mean person at all. One just doesn't have anything to give when one needs so many things, you know?
Another way to look at this, is from the FOO-environment: Nm & brother sure 'nuff took care of their needs... ignoring the kids care, didn't they? Your brother with his kids... Nmom with your needs. This builds up a lot of survival defenses in a person; I know I still struggle with resentment & wanting to blame someone... because I often don't know what I need; I don't ask for it (and sure don't have any confidence that asking results in getting); and then I'm angry and resentful... because I feel like I'm bustin' my butt and no one else is helping. At least, that's my self-fulfilling prophecy cycle, you know? I've seen it over and over and even when the steam is coming out of my ears and I'm on the verge of kickin' proverbial a$$... I still know this is exactly what it is... and what I really NEED has to come from ME, in this situation: I have to ask specifically for what I want/need - and then release the outcome... I can't put any conditions whatsoever on how, when, or even IF my request is fulfilled. And I have to keep asking....
... in your situation, I hear very loud & clear that you really don't want to be accepted and part of the shelter environment. Understandable, I think. But it also sorta reminds me of a present-day experience that could help resolve the old FOO scripts and dramas, too. You are NOT your FOO... and it's understandable that you don't want to be "accepted" (under their terms) and "belong" (in that situation). So it's symbolic in a way: the quest to get out of the shelter [might] = the quest to separate "you" (in your feelings and thoughts about yourself) from you FOO. Possible? I sure don't know... so you'll have to just chuck this if it doesn't fit.
I don't know why this other thing keeps coming up and it seems irrelevant and silly to me; but it's something that wants to be passed on to you and it's persisting... it's an old Zen saying about how the goal of zazen is:
to be at home in the homeless home
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Personally, I'm not getting too esoteric about it- I think I have graduated beyond spirituality to reality and I don't ever want to do social work...I just can't see the value in this "life experience"...for me it's just more lost time down the drain that I could have been using to actually live. I'm just trying to think about practical things like making sure I don't get sick, don't get a Staph infection. One woman came out of jail with an UNTREATED Staph. infection on her foot and then proceeded to doctor it up in the kitchen area of the shelter. Another woman just got out of the hospital for some bacterial infection that she is saying: "At least it's not MRSA"...and during a conversation she mentioned that she also has drug abuse issues.
I have heard my Nar-mother use the term “Low-lifes” to describe unfortunate people - and when she uses that term, I now know that all of the people in the homeless shelter come under that category- even me probably. My Nar-mother sends me emails describing to me what she is going to cook for dinner-- as if that is somehow of significance to me? I think my mother has a bona-fide mental problem that doesn't have an odoriferous stink and it isn't going to put her in jail....and it isn't going to make her homeless. There doesn't seem to be tangible evidence of her dark side and somehow the people around her over look her weird tantrums. My mother has a swinging mood she goes from the incident where she is saying to me "You're a miserable person" while my alcoholic brother is yelling at me.....to sending me emails now about her culinary preparations at home. I'm literally eating at a soup kitchen. It's not appropriate- she just shouldn't talk to me about what she is cooking for dinner. I use to respond to this emotionally but now I think I'm just seeing the patterns.
One of the women just out of jail says that the other women in the jail were putting heroin up their rear-ends…..She is a mother. Most of the women in the shelter are mothers. There is something about her that I like. I want her to do well. She is not very attractive- she is "trashy" like most of the people there- but there is something that just seems more real about some of these people in a way. Not a lot of pretense of social class. Not a whole lot of arrogance not a lot of hair-flipping and flaunting. Many of these women have children that end up having health complications- diseases, one was born a preemie, others have other problems. The children of these women in this shelter didn't exactly come into this world with a head-start in life.
You, know, society doesn't want to see these people become "successful". There seems to be a force that is directed towards punishing these people and judging these people and condescendingly disliking these "types" of people. There are a lot of stigmas in this place. In fact the word stigmatized might be invisibly hovering over the homeless shelter. For some people it really seems to be a lifestyle. I'm getting tired and bored of the people there. I want to go fishing--do something-- get out and AWAY. Building a castle out of dog poop? Ok, that is just negativity there.
Losing my job, having difficulty with being picked for rehire along with a bought of depression after I lost my job, reopening of old emotional issues, my lack of skill in leveraging myself and not having strong direction or money to invest in myself, not having a good network of supportive people around me...and poor timing of life events....have all been contributing factors to me being where I am right now.
The head of the shelter said something to me about self-esteem classes. Some people don't need to take self esteem classes- they just have it.
I woke up at 3:00 AM and just laid there for a while trying to readjust my clothes, I just sleep in my pants. I wasn't comfortable....then I finally went back to sleep. The room smells like dirty socks or something.
I'm wondering if I can cut every single one of my relatives out of my life sometime in the future- I’m thinking about moving away and putting some physical distance between me and my mother when I get some resources together. I should really have other long term goals beyond cutting people out of my life.
There is a big cross in the homeless shelter and I'm suppose to be praying for myself or other people in there or something and at my mature adult age the only thing I am praying for is that my mother gets in a car-accident. Bad Karma? Do I care?
Open to possibilities in the vague unknown space of tomorrow or ignorant aimlessness.
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Losing my job, having difficulty with being picked for rehire along with a bought of depression after I lost my job, reopening of old emotional issues, my lack of skill in leveraging myself and not having strong direction or money to invest in myself, not having a good network of supportive people around me...and poor timing of life events....have all been contributing factors to me being where I am right now.
Good list - of the hellish snowball that ran into you. I call this the "piling on" effect - and know how overwhelming it is. It's really hard to decide which of these to tackle first - and when you can see all the rest of it bearing down you, too - well. Speechless. All I can do is send a virtual hug.
But, there is a glimmer of hope in your list, you know? It's a list of goals in disguise. And I've found that it really doesn't matter which one you start with - as long as you start somewhere. Picking just one step to accomplish for each goal, then one more, then the next... but I know you know how to do that. I agree that life (and society) seems to have it in for the homeless; blaming them for their own circumstances. Sometimes it is simply that the snowball from hell is moving too fast for them to outrun. Doesn't make them bad people, or broken people (though yes, some are so broken it takes professional help).
Maybe start with the easiest one: perhaps you can create a "good supportive network" from the more real folks around you now. There is one thing, that even the poorest of the poor can always give - that's friendship.
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OK, I'm back. That was a really lame post.
I know I'm a bit vulnerable right now - overwhelmed with a lot of my own stuff, but your plight and the more I think about it... and all the other people who are similarly affected (including my - & other folks' kids) - has just pushed all my outrage buttons!!!!!! I'm really pissed that you find yourself where you are; that my kids have to work multiple jobs to just squeak by and so they're vulnerable to every little dip or pothole that comes along; and that no one - in boom times or recessions - has addressed the cost of housing in relation to stagnant wages and increased cost of just about every single necessity to live, there is. A lot of people bought homes they couldn't afford - BECAUSE rents were so high. Landlords were covering their mortgage payments with high rents and they were speculating in "income property" real estate. Not all of them; just a lot of them. There is an invisible inflation; unacknowledged by the folks who can make statistical numbers dance... and there has been since the 60's and I was almost homeless, myself.
I'm not a political person. I tried the activist stuff, non-profits, etc to actually do something useful... but even there, I found too much BS for the organization to have any real impact in people's lives. The stigma that you are now so painfully aware of - is one that I know, too. It's really undeserved in your case and you will have to find ways to be "different"; to not live down to the stigma.
And I'm going to try to put this passion and anger into trying to come up with solutions.
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Today, I'm worn out. That is all, I think. I don't have a lot to write about. Maybe there is some discouragement wrapped up in it.
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I applied for a job as a grocery store cashier, I was just notified today that my skills do not match the job requirement. I sure hope that means I'm over qualified but I'm beyond pissed off now. The first job I ever had was as a grocery store cashier when I was in highschool.
Seems that I'm not qualified to do the work I was doing and that I'm not qualified for the kind of work that teenager/college students do when they are not baby sitting.....??? Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh...hummmm
Having a welfare baby is starting to look more and more appealing every single day. (Sarcasm)
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I'm going to write fast a furious before my time on the computer runs out.
I have a new roommate, she has been living in a tent and working at a Laundromat laundromat?...anyways
She has been working at a that laundry cleaning place and has had no real shower- was using a hose. She left a bad relationship and now she thinks she is in hog heaven because there are showers at the homeless shelter.
The woman who left before her took of her medical bandages/dressings and left them in the room instead of disposing of them in the large garbage can that is outside and very near. I would not touch those things.
I've realized that I've never been in a home with so many people who do not have their real teeth.
I learned more about one woman who has three children, at one point child protective services came to her home and intervened, she wasn't there but her spouse was in bed drunk and the police tried to wake him up for 15 minis. So she no longer has custody of her children. Her father would beat her with a belt-right in line with Alice Miller's theories. She has bipolar and has to take 16 pills every night just to keep it under control. She seems like a sweet heart in some ways but then again she is on 16 pills--how would I know who she really is? I wonder how she would know--and she doesn't. She told me that she doesn't know what emotional normal feels like because ever since she was a teenager her emotional swings have been dramatic.
There is a lady that sleeps in the bunk on top of me, she is new also and I don't care for her too much. She snores, scratches and tosses and turns, she woke me up at 3:00 AM- then I couldn't or wouldn't go back to sleep. I became suspicious of what she may be doing at 3:00 in the morning. Could just be using the toilet.
There is no privacy. I have no basically told everyone in the house that I have diarrhea and constipation to justify the things that I want to eat: yogurt, fresh fruit, fresh vegetables.
The women in the house spend their food stamps on chips and dip, cases of soda, candy, ice cream and microwavable pizza cookie crap.
They sort of dictate how I use my food stamps and what is purchased with them. I'm going to have to tactfully attempt to advocate for me having healthy food to eat. They take the food stamp benefit and then buy stuff for the soup kitchen that feeds people off the street who are not even in the shelter. The reason why some of those people are on the street is because they are still using and not through rehab--I DONT want my measlie benefits going to them.
The woman who manages the house hold is overweight, she chain smokes and I saw her eatting a McDonald's breakfast sandwich.
I don't eat like that-
I'm going to try to get myself a scholarship for a gym membership. I have to procure paperwork first to prove that I'm in need of scholarship assistance. Do you know how challenging it is to find paperwork when one is in a homeless shelter?
I wish I could write more but I'm running out of my alotted time here.
The energy in the shelter is so scattered, I have a hard time concentrating there. Try as I might other people poke into my business. I had to tell the woman who stabbed her husband to get out of my face this morning. Uhhhh-as politely as I could but she has been told my more then one person at this point and it doesnt get through to her. Its a boundary issue.
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I see someone in this cafe who interviewed me a few months ago for a job that I didn't get and was overqualified for. Actually the wage was so low that they expected to hire someone who was married with a second source of income.
She is sitting there flicking her foot under the table and I am staring at my computer.
I feel discouraged. I don't have a car so I don't get tasks done as efficiently as I would like to do.
There is perfectly good food that is prepared carelessly at the soup kitchen and this is another point of contention I have. Yesterday I went to the soup kitchen where there was salad that looked quite good and I think included food donated from people's gardens.
The down side is that it must not have been washed at all because every single piece of vegetable literally had dirt blobs on it. Then I saw aphids walking away from the vegetables and to the edge of my plate. I know that I'm not suppose to complain but I do wonder why the F*ck they cant just wash it so we can pretend to be a little bit civilized. Then there is the hair in the food, maybe I already said this.
Jeeze and now the new age author walks in. I scroll down on the page so he doesn't see "VOICELESSNESS AND EMOTIONAL SURVIVAL ON MY SCREEN" And I was just making excuses to him without any grace as to why I walked out of his lecture early. He said I was being "flighty" I told him I didn't want to be an active participant that I felt like only being a passive participant. He looks at my fat thighs squashed against the metal chair that I am sitting on. I want to kick him in the face with a flying karate chop across the room and knock his imperfect glasses off of his bald head. BUT I do not do this.
BLAH BLAH BLAH. I'm not good enough for him.
I'm not good enough for me!
I'm missing my soup kitchen dining experience and all the women at the shelter will say "Where were you for dinner?"
As if it is any of their business. As if I will ever see any one of them ever again.
People come in and out and move on to a better place.
I'm just sitting here now. Tired. Thinking about how to locate my W2 forms.
My head down on my keyboard for just a minute, wanting to sleep here, wanting to relax. I’m confused by where I am. I find out there are resources and then I plan, I call, I write down notes, I go, I talk with people, I plan, I follow up, I shine my shoes and still nothing is happening for me. I’m also lonely. It’s amazing how strong my invisible callus is right now. Boundaries are a big issue in a place full of troubled people with no built in privacy.
I went to talk with a college counselor about grant money yesterday, during this conversation she told me that her sister who is a paralegal has been out of work for two years. So I know I don’t have to feel terrible but I STILL do. If I was feeling something it would be a terrible feeling. While I was waiting in a chair before I was called into the office to speak with her, I felt like I might break down with the water works and start crying but I didn’t, so I guess that is what maturity is doing for me. I found myself hoping that I wouldn’t have to speak with a man for some reason. I guess I figured a man would be aloof --hear what I was saying and give me some random brochures not useful for me but just so some action was taken on his part some offering minuscule and useless.
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I heard a story you might be interested in; might help explain some of the "attitude" out there with the people you're interviewing with... etc.
BILaw manages a pretty big company. He's been trying to replace some temp workers with a f/t person, because they're in the process of making a deal to do some more work for another company - and they need a stable crew of workers. Decent pay, good benefits, training, advancement, etc. They have offered jobs to people, who hemmed & hawed, had to think about it... or wanted to dictate how many hours and which days they would work. Most were trying to just supplement their unemployment benefits - and wouldn't jeopardize that with full time work.
Some were older people who were trying to completely change fields - requiring training, apprenticeship, etc - before they would even get an income. They were turning down a firm job offer for long-term investment in a "maybe".
Really makes a person like me go "HUH?" and probably irritates someone like you more than you need to be irritated right now! But, I think you could use that bit of anecdote to your advantage; it's an important piece of info about what's going on "out there"... because these HR mgrs, interviewers, and owners who are hiring don't want to waste any more time trying to sift thru all the apps, calls, interviews only to make an offer to someone and have it rejected.
I don't know how much you want to reveal about yourself to potential employers, but there is one thing I think you could say very plainly, unequivacably without appearing desperate or without sacrificing any dignity: I want to work again. I am reliable, learn quickly, and will be an asset to your business. A lot. And mean it. And, though I normally wouldn't recommend this to anyone, anytime - times have changed and sometimes that calls for a different strategy:
Normally, there's this negotiation & getting to know you phase when interviewing. And the interviewee is usually trying to make a good impression while also evaluating the place of business and the people in it. (I suggest people do this because of some fraudulent experiences I've had during interviews; it has to be subtle.) Sort of aloof... you have to talk about yourself and be friendly... but everyone gets a little self-conscious or protective of themselves in these conversations... and everyone has things they'd rather not have their potential employer know about them during this phase. So one's emotions are generally pushed as far away from the interaction as possible...
... well, for you in your circumstances, I think a little emotion might be something that will help you get a foot in the door. I don't think it hurts to express (professionally) that you prefer to be working; busy; doing something and that unemployment scares you. I also don't think it hurts (these days) to also look at and express ways your past experience could be stretched or applied to something that was related to, but not the same that you did before. One more thing, and for you personally, this just might be the thing that lands you your next job:
You write very well*. This is not something that will probably show up on your resume or avg. application form. However, it IS a skill that is increasingly valuable out there in the real world and an advantage to you; an edge over the competition. Trust me, the level of writing skills these days is absolutely appalling. The way to make this known to an employer is to write a cover letter - and not the std "I'm interested in your open position"... business letter. The cover letter is where you can be creative, maybe you have an intuition about the employer's working environment and your writing can be the way that you prove you'll fit in... and it's the best way for some people (me included) to present a personal, "here's who I am and what I can do for you" offer. Even if it's not a required part of an application, send it anyway. And make sure you customize the letter to each employer - you are introducing you with it - and they have something you want; your attention to those kinds of details will make an impression.
I've seen a lot of letters where people created a form letter - and then forgot a couple places where they did a search/replace. Not good.
Then, I guess it matters what kinds of jobs you're applying for. Your last couple of posts lead me to believe that you have a real interest in healthy food (and the preparation of it). There might not be many jobs out there - advertised - in smaller cafes or health food stores. The best way to find those, is to be a regular and get to know the people already working there.
PS* - I forgot to say, that there a lot of jobs out there - not writing jobs, per se - where being able to write well (and proofread) is a needed skill. It may not even be listed in the "requirements" for the job, but you can figure out which ones that applies to.
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Superb coaching from PR, and I hope you'll take it, MB!
Hops
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Some people at the shelter have health coverage through DSHS (the ones who have children). Some people don't. I personally do not have health coverage and yesterday I discovered that I'm pissing blood, probably due to a kidney stone that I thought had gone away. I have the feeling that I can't easily take care of my basic needs right now and it's not something that boosts a persons self esteem.
Apparently one of the former residents of the shelter left a while ago and overdosed to the point of death, this news was upsetting to a couple of the people at the shelter who knew the deceased person so one woman at the shelter has been vomiting from the stress and grief.
It's an interesting place. Pretty bad but interesting.
I'm personally disgusted with the whole world. Just BECAUSE. I'm allowing myself to be.
Yesterday I went to a community center with a job board and basic computer classes that are below my current skill level so not very useful to me. There was a woman working there who has a master's level degree in education who apparently is having a difficult time getting a good job also. She said that people in this community who can't get jobs end up working at a local meat factory butchering animals. Again it's interesting. BUT I don't want to butcher animals...um... there is just no explaining that on a resume.
So I had a dream last night for the first time in months about a woman who kept large dangerous wild felines for pets. She was unprotected against them and seemed oblivious to their ability to rip her limbs off at any second.
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I'm not seeking advice. I have already been through resume/interview/career coaching and I don't write here on the "voiceless" website to get career coaching anyways.
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The woman who manages the homeless shelter told me about a community group that may help with bus passes. Transportation is considered a "critical need". I found the office of this agency on the other side of town, when I got there I was told that I needed to come back at another time when the person who processes this particular form was in the office. So..I went back another day to the other side of town where this office is. I was handed two forms of paper. One for the bus pass and one for release of PROTECTED HEALTH INFORMATION. I didn't fill out the protected health information form and handed both back to the front desk.
While I was handing the paperwork over I asked the woman "Why did you want me to fill out this form?...It's irrelevant for a bus pass?"..To this she answered "You don't have to fill that out, we don't offer any health services here in this office." AS if I was the person who procured this document of my own volition and was trying to give it to them?? Strange.
So I was given a piece of paper, not a bus pass. I went to the bus station where I was told to go by the people who gave me the voucher. The bus station attendants told me I must go to another bus station in the next town over. Of course I have to get on the bus to get that far-- and I don't have a bus pass...
The voucher is worth $20.00 of bus rides. The whole process of getting this completed has spanned over days. Not minutes or hours but days.
Of course if I was employed I could simply hand the money to a bus driver and buy a pass that way.
My relatives appear to be insinuating that I'm lazy now that I am homeless.
I have seen some volunteer opportunities recently that could potentially aid me in getting jobs or becoming connected in certain circles of people.
Of course thinking about volunteering when one is homeless is ...well....hard to describe this feeling. I mean it takes all my energy and time just to figure out how to get a $20.00 bus pass that is still not in my possesion. And....since I'm sitting here writing and trying to look up a map of the bus station and pharmacy that I have never been to before...I have missed the soup kitchen "lunch time"...so not only will I have to figure out something else to eat...I will be admonished for not eatting at the community soup kitchen by the woman who runs the shelter.
Excuse me....I need to go pee some blood right now... (Sarcastic)
Of course I could send this all to the the City Mayor in a letter...and then I would probably be picked up and dropped off in the middle of nowhere in another town. I can see the ugly cringe on the Mayor's face and then the stifling response...
Again, I'm writing, not seeking advice.
I think I understand why some people are driven to overdose. Luckily or not for me I have never been a drug user.
Frankly, I think the woman who is the head of the shelter should be able to give out bus vouchers to people.
She is getting paid, she does have a car, she is not a volunteer and she doesn't appear to be doing this job out of the kindness of her heart. I do wonder why she doesn't have a system to occasionally drive down to the bus station and obtain the bus passes for the residents who need them. Of course...homeless "people are suppose to take responsibility for their own lives and if they did they wouldn't be homeless"...
So the new age author was trying to tell me that "Fear" is the main problem that people have--that the solution is simply generating more love. I told him that I think FEAR is a response related to self preservation and that LOVE is related to continuation of the species and again part of self preservation. I said FEAR and LOVE are both about survival and two sides of the same coin. He didn't like my response, because I wasn't confirming his philosophy. I have tried the new age thing, I was serious about it for years, I fasted, I did yoga, I did the marial arts, I meditated, I brain washed myself with all sorts of positive thoughts. Now I fill up my time with basic minutia, food, finding shoe polish, getting from A to B.
My transportation issues have nothing to do with fear and love...or maybe they do.
My safety issues have nothing to to with fear and love...or maybe..
My job issues have nothing to do with fear and love...
So now I'm just staring at the fire department man out the window who is checking oil in an ambulance. I kind of think, if I was the right age, and had the right hair color and the right quantity of beauty, I could just walk over to that fireman dude and make a new "friend".
I'm not very motivated to get that stupid bus pass anymore but I have to take all the little action steps anyways to prove that I'm MOTIVATED.
I didn't go into that homeless shelter with headlice, but if I discover that I have them after using those unlaundered blankets that are all piled up together..then I will be told that I introduced it into the shelter. So if my head itches, I better just twiddle my thumbs in my lap.
My discouragement is not some kind of fantasy in my mind or laziness. I have a bad life. Period.
Another woman in the homeless shelter told me that a woman at her church offered to purchase undergarments for her...and then I heard her describe how shameful this idea was to the homeless woman...that she didn't even have the resources to buy herself some underwear. The homeless woman told the church lady "NO" to the CHARITY UNDERWEAR.
I have a reputation for being condescending in the shelter now due to the fact that I asked them what their policy was about accepting used underwear after I saw a thong in a donation box. They told me that I shouldn't be judgemental that some people don't have anything. And I said: "But used underwear?"..... It just seems that since it's mixed in with the other clothes it could be a..um how do I say it...another area of contamination of a certain variety of pestilence.
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My Nar-mother contacted me and asked me if I was ok. I told her that I was not ok. She became annoyed at me for saying that I am not ok. Apparently there is only one correct answer for her.
I compare my personal problems to the other people in the shelter and I think that possibly I have been minimizing my own circumstances..well I at least don't talk to people about certain things. I haven't even described my whole story here.
I'm not part of a gang or in rehab or any such thing. I don't go to the same support groups that the women in the shelter go to.
They go to AA meetings and DV meetings.
I have my own little category. It's just me with my problem. How could I not develop a bad attitude and become "bitter" with this sort of social isolation. It's like I can see my life unfold and there is nothing I can do about it. A person might say that the women in this shelter are making bad decisions...and I have really thought about that a lot trying to pin point the bad decisions I made. The irresponsibility and I can't find them..I think that my decisions have been logical responses to events in a very imperfect world.
Latest person in the shelter is the wife of an drug dealer and she thinks the whole gang is going to come after her and her family.
I haven't married a drug dealer! Why am I here?
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Today, I feel very depleted emotionally and physically. The place where I sleep and shower and try to take care of the basic necessities is not a soothing place to be. One of the people who has been entrusted with certain management responsibilities at the place is a homeless mother out of rehab who yells at her kid almost constantly and is very disrespectful verbally to the other people who have to stay there. She made a character judgement about me after I helped out another person in the shelter- she said within my hearing range but not to me directly that I had helped the other person for selfish reasons. I know it's petty and I know I can't expect these people to be tactful in anyway but I really don't need the added stress AND I have always been someone who is stressed out by this sort of thing. It's very tense as in: "walking on eggshells" Not a pleasant environment.
I waited for an appointment to speak with the head person there about my personal situation and it turns out she didn't write the appointment down on her calender and instead of making time to speak with me she told me she didn't have time- while she was doing nothing but sitting and chain smoking. I wrote the time and date down in my own notebook so I waited and waited for nothing to happen. It was noon before I even got out of the place.
I'm just very depleted, some days I don't feel this down but I'm tired and I wasted half the day away doing nothing.
The people who are in charge of running this place don't have degrees in social work, I think they are just doing it because they can't find better work or something. I don't know.
The people who stay at the shelter are obligated to do chores, it's a good idea but the chores can't be started before 8:30 AM and have to be completed before 10:00. It means that I can't get out of the place and on the bus first thing in the morning. By the time I get out of there I have already had to endure some woman screaming at her kids and threatening that they will have to go to a foster home. I already have to listen to the newest person there talk about relapsing drug problems, and I quickly make an excuse "got to find my jacket" and walk away because I don't have the energy to "make acquaintace" with any of these people any more.
I attended some free workshops about interviewing strategies and such, this made me remember that the interactions and behaviors and communication required at an interview and professional environment are on a very different level then what I am surrounded by in my environment. Basically nothing about my life is good for my self esteem right now and I'm being coached to ACT like I have good self-esteem.
I'm EXHAUSTED!!!!!!
There is a old hippy looking man next to me in this cafe with a rectangular protester sign that simply says PEACE in big black lettering. I'm sitting here and all I can think is that it's simplistic. I don't know what the solution is.
If I ran the homeless shelter, I would make use of talented interns who are going through bachelors or masters level training in something related to psychology or social work or a related discipline to spend some time at the shelter observing and behaving as witnesses and acting as role models.
I would advocate for healthier meals and more respectful treatment of the people who are there at the shelter. I would post more information on the walls about proper hygiene. I would put bottles of hand sanitizer in every room. I would post guidelines for people's behavior. I would indicate that there is only one room for socializing and the rest of the areas for people's chores and personal activities. I would use some of the funding they have to make sure that the chairs are all vinyl instead of the upholstery that is absolutely soiled. There is no point of having clean clothes when I have to sit on a chair with 30 greasy stains on it.
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I would advocate for healthier meals and more respectful treatment of the people who are there at the shelter. I would post more information on the walls about proper hygiene. I would put bottles of hand sanitizer in every room. I would post guidelines for people's behavior. I would indicate that there is only one room for socializing and the rest of the areas for people's chores and personal activities. I would use some of the funding they have to make sure that the chairs are all vinyl instead of the upholstery that is absolutely soiled. There is no point of having clean clothes when I have to sit on a chair with 30 greasy stains on it.
These are great, common sense suggestions that uphold the idea that each person is a human being and should be afforded some basic dignity and privacy. Which of course, suggests to me, that you don't need "self-esteem" classes. I suspect the above is a statement of what you want and need, isn't it?
I have agonized over what it is I want to say - beyond that I am here; I am listening; I care. I fear I will offend you in some way and instead of just telling me to P--- off, like my D's do (and I allow them to do), you'll just withdraw and accept your situation as being beyond your ability to change. You can tell me to P--- off too, and I'll still care about you. I won't go away. Despite how difficult, exhausting, demanding, and unfair your situation is right now, I don't believe it's beyond your ability to change it.
I don't know how long it will be before the universe offers you a break; before you get lucky and the gods of employment will smile benificently on you. You are doing the "right" things; playing by the "rules"... and you're a good, likeable, fun person (tho' maybe you don't feel that way right now; I can understand that)... on top of it. It just doesn't make sense, given what I know about you (granted; it's an online knowing). Maybe someone changed the "rules" and forgot to tell us...
... or maybe there's a parallel universe where you have to play by different rules and fight, demand, claw, struggle and then defend what it is you want and need. Maybe in this other universe, there's a Darwinian struggle where the "spoils" go to those who fight for them - and win. And where "being liked" or being a "good person" isn't nearly as important as being able to keep getting over the next obstacle... and the next... and being strong enough to jump as high as you're asked to jump by some demonic cruel "keeper of the spoils".
I honestly don't know.
I simply couldn't become part of the "system" of assistance when it was my turn; it's a long story but I said screw it, I'll find another way to survive and I did. It wasn't pretty; I still gave up some self-respect and independence; I still have some regrets about that decision. But I decided to cash in all my chips and bet on myself, instead of trusting that the system would work as advertised and be fair ('coz it sure didn't look like it was, to me) - and I'll never regret that.
I know I could not possibly follow the path you're on, MB. The conditions, the circumstances, the lack of privacy...... I do not have the patience or forbearance to tolerate them. I am in awe of your ability to keep on going and remain so together under these kinds of conditions. And if anyone can tame the system and make it live up to it's promises of REAL help - it's gonna be you.
Get some rest. Walk in the sun. You go, girl!
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On the way out of the shelter today, another woman stopped me and asked me what I meant when I said "I just live moment by moment". She is reading some sort of new-age Ekhart type book. I told her that I hadn't meant anything spiritual and that I'm not an ascended master- I told her it's related to living a life full of instability, unpredictability and having the need to improvise at any moment- it's just crisis living.
I had lunch with my mother today mainly because she gave me $35.00 and I got a meal out of it- if I must be honest about my motivations. She was very impatient, she couldn't just sit back and relax at the restaraunt that she had picked out. On the drive back I asked her to stop the car at a flower/vegetable farm where I got out and walked between rows of zinnias, more then I think I have ever seen before and burgundy amaranth, culinary herbs, sunflowers. I just stood on the farm for a minute between the rows and watched flocks of birds fly from row to row. I spoke with the woman who owns the property while she was bunching together some purple statice and scabiosa, she was friendly.
My mother told me that she read somewhere about people who grew up in foster homes as children are 50% more likely to end up in a homeless shelter in their lifetimes then people who did not grow up in a foster home. So I wonder if the emotional/social toll of having Nar-parents is as significant as being in the foster-parent system or having a substance abuse problem.
Late last night one of the women who sleeps in the same room that I'm in had a seizure, her cousin said she thought it was a grand-mal seizure due to her perception of how long the seizure lasted. I awoke to see her having spasms in the dark room on her cot. Paramedics were called, I peered down from my sleeping area at the paramedics and was grateful that I had been sleeping fully clothed in my jeans complete with belt. I had considered stripping down to my underwear before I fell asleep because it was warm.
I didn't do anything except for talk to her when she woke up because I think she was a little put off from the all-male paramedic crew. The paramedics didn't really do anything for her, she ended up going to the hospital for observation with her cousin and was realeased back to the shelter this morning. It's only the second time I have seen a person have a seizure, it was rather unsettling and I couldn't go back to sleep right away so I sat cross-leg in the dark on top of the cot, I couldn't even make a cup of tea. She also has pneumonia.
What I have heard from nurses is to make sure the person having the seizure is not in the middle of the road in harms way or hurting themselves but beyond that to let the person go through the seizure without interfering- that most seizures are not dangerous. So before the paramedics had arrived, the cousin had left the room, the others were asleep and I laid there in my cot and watcher her helplessly as the sole witness for a stretch of time- just watching her shake in the dark. She turned out to be "ok".
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Told narcissistic mother I need to go through some boxes of paperwork to find some critically needed documents. My paperwork was once orderly but isn't now. I told her I need her to help me get to the place where my paperwork is stored and that I needed help disposing of the things that are confidential waste.
I knew it was going to be a problem but I have to attempt it anyways. So I meet her, we go to the place and after 5-10 minutes of me looking she is telling me that I'm taking too long and that I need to find it in 20 minutes. I knew that I wouldn't be able to find it easily and I told her that it was going to take me a while to complete the task prior to going there but she doesn't listen. I suggested that we just go and put all the boxes of paperwork in her car and she just drop me off somewhere that I can sit down and work on getting together the stuff I need and throw away the rest.
I didn't find the stuff I needed because I didn't have the time to do it with her impatiently there and arguing with me the whole time. So we both just wasted time and effort.
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Muffinbuster:
I've been terribly preoccupied these past months.
If you don't mind, could you please tell me more about yourself? (If not, that's OK too.)
What kind of job would you like to have? What job do you feel would bring you joy?
What part of the country (general) do you hail from?
Are you high energy extroverted? Introverted? Do you like to be outdoors, are you active, do you read a lot?
Do you like animals? Are you right brain creative? How are your organizational skills?
Do you like kids?
What's your educational background? Were you happy with the last job you had?
Where do you see yourself in 6 months, a year, 5 years?
Are you attached to the State you're in?
Would you be better off if you got a fresh start someplace far away from your family, in your opinion?
When I read your posts, you come accross as intelligent, level headed, but struggling to reconcile the crazy behavior of others.
I'm praying something positive happens for you very soon, Muffinbuster.
No hard feelings if you don't feel like sharing. I realize you're overwhelmed.
Lighter/Mo2
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I found the things I needed from my boxes of paperwork finally.
Applied for a very low paying job in an art studio as well as a job in a collections office. Etc. Etc.
Newest woman at the shelter is stereotypically beat up by her boyfriend. Black eye and broken arm. The girl who swallowed the battery is gone. I'm coming down with some sort of respiratory malady despite the fact that I wash my hands religiously.
The shelter where I am staying took my foodstamps from me as a "payment" and bought 6 cans of coffee and sugar etc. with the money-they didn't purchase any real food like oranges, apples, bananas. The woman who is paid to manage the place just wants to make sure there is a pot of coffee there for her to drink. Since she is paid to work there I would like her to bring her own coffee and use the foodstamps that are taken from people to purchase nutritious food. Oh, well.
In the morning there is a heard of overweight women all crowded onto a picnic table outside of the shelter all smoking and wasting time, they look like a bunch of seals huddled on a rock in the middle of the ocean.
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I hate my mother. AND I wish I had a family and friends and a support network. My mother's lastest betrayal just pisses me off.
When is this episode of my life going to be over?
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My Nar-mother has done things after I have asked her not to do them, we have had discussions about it and then eventually she does the stuff I don't want her to do anyways despite the fact that I thought we talked and had concensus and she seemed to be shaking her head but still being weird and bitc*-y defensive about it.
My Nar-mother has this "act", I'm going to call it an act because I can't believe she could be that stupid. Or it is another power trip, we discus, and she says she wont do something then does it anyways before even talking to me about it. She comes up with a new reason for doing it as if it's rational. She also acts like she is dimwitted. I just don't believe she is as dumb as she pretends to be.
Since I am homeless my nar-mother has taken it upon herself to meddle in some of my personal business that she has no right to do. And then it will give her a reason to b*tch and complain to me because now she is just "trying to help, or trying to do me a favor"?
Mothering is a blood-sport for Nars.
Validating blog:
http://narcissists-suck.blogspot.com/2008/04/narcissist-mothers-suck.html
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There is an office that is adjacent to the homeless shelter building. I have seen through the window of the homeless shelter into the office where the head woman who "runs" the place sits and I saw her playing electronic card games on her computer.
Well, This morning, I awoke to people all agitated and talking louder then normal in the shelter, when I finally got up and onto the main floor I was told that someone broke into the office of the shelter and stole the electronic equipment (computer) and maybe other things I don't know.
I think it's pretty darn pathetic that someone would steal from the office of a charity organization. BUT I also think it's pretty sad that the person being employed to run the place spends her time playing computer games and doesn't have the sense to close the blinds of the windows at night or take other security measures to prevent people from breaking into the office that is funded by donations.
I walked away from the shelter as fast as I could this morning it's going to be fat-ass-chain-smoking-white-trash-menopausal-BAD-moods-all- day long. As IF I have nothing else to do but become enveloped in the drama that happens within the shelter.
I'm considering going to a different shelter somewhere else, in another city and not telling any of my relatives where I am.
It's difficult, at least when a person leaves a spouse that is abusive there are victim advocates and people who are trained to support DV victims etc. etc. But there is nothing for someone like me who has experienced complete neglect and verbal abuse from my family.
People leave abusive men and go to their relatives or friends for support. I DONT HAVE ANYONE.
-----On a totally different note: One of the women in the shelter who I thought was "normal" at first has left and after talking to other people in the shelter about the things she said about her life, we think she must have been sort of delusional or schizophrenic or has a very very strange life. Some people have strange lives but one woman in the shelter pointed out: "nobody's life is THAT weird". She tried to convince me to go to the desert with her where she said she was going to get a job because "she didn't want to be there by herself". Strange woman. I said NO way I am not going to the desert without a car, without a job and with someone I just met in a homeless shelter. Well I thought she was just a little screwy. BUT someone in the shelter told me that she believes she is being stalked by Chuck Norris??
The shelter is a world unto itself and I feel my energy being taken up by that place, it's a confusing place to be, and it's hard to ignore the other people there. I tried to lay on the cot and read a book last night at 7PM but the woman who has a chain of suspicious deaths associated with her talked to me non-stop while I had the book in my hands for over an hour. No I couldn't even read a darn book.
Being in a homeless shelter is one of the more interesting experiencing I have ever had in my life. BUT I don't want to catch an illness. I wouldn't necessarily regret being in homeless shelters but I do worry about the gaps on my resume, I worry about how to rebuild a life. It's not the life I want.
I worry about the good things in life that I am missing out on because I am required to do their baby-puke laundry over at the men's section that has the industrial washing machines that are broken so it takes 6 hours to do 2 loads of wash in the laundry room where there are stray body-hairs of homeless men that haven't been cleaned off of the counter. Just dip me in a skin of latex, I don't want to touch or breathe or smell this place.
I will try another place.
But what am I suppose to do to develop a "social network" if I cut my relatives completely out of my life?
I get some FALSE sense of security by having my relatives in my life.
I'm not married, I'm not a social butterfly, I'm not into church. All the l@me suggestions that people come up with? Join this, join that. Really? I've been a part of groups before, sports etc. and my acquaintances last for a few years maybe but could I even tell them if I'm having problems in my life..NO..because I would all of a sudden become an undesirable friend.
I see people every single day with other people, not alone. I don't understand why I am so f@cking alone.
I have never ever met any person who chose to be alone because it's STUPID and it's HARD.
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Maybe it would be mature of me to come to terms with the fact that deep down somewhere my mother HATES me.
After all I hate her.
Maybe it's just a long, slow, sad and alone process of coming to terms.
Can I vent? Can I allow myself to say that my mother is a rotten P.O.S. ? It feels good saying it.
Now that I'm in a homeless shelter and in a bad situation --it's my Nar-mother's big opportunity to screw with me as much as she likes?
My nar-mother has a belief about herself and I guess I have given in to the charade. I don't have to confirm for her anything.
Someday I am going to be the biggest B@tch my mother ever met. But you know what I have to have a job because it all comes down to power and resources.
Last night I listened to the woman with the black eye get on a borrowed phone and talk to the man who beat her up.
I recognized the conversation that goes nowhere. It must be a universal conversation that people all over the world who are in abusive relationships have had. There is some sort of feeling during the conversation a feeling that some goal is going to be attained, something is going to be righted or resolved, some rewarding thing is going to happen. But it never ever ever ever does. Things get better for a little while but inevitably things are bad again. My mother has never punched me and given me a black eye but she did cause me health problems when I was a child.
I don't think of the relationship that I have with my mother as being the same as the woman who has the black eye at the shelter BUT I absolutely recognize the conversation she has it's the same I have with my mother. I think I have to realize that my personal issues are just as bad as the other people who are in the shelter. I'm not somehow better then them or less messed up then the other people there.
So, here I am thinking and writing about my mother but I need to focus on something else.
I'm going to get the address of other shelters to possibly stay in- in case there is a different area that is better for me, farther away from relatives and closer to more jobs.
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Yesterday I planned out what I would do today, I got a memory thingy flash drive at the library and saved my cover letter and resume onto it. Then I planned to get on a bus to go to another city a distance away to drop off my resume at an office, look at the art studio where I applied at even though is seems they didn't respond to my application, stop in at a staffing agency and look at the area where the shelter is at in that city in case I want to go to a different shelter.
So it looks like my grand plan to get out of the homeless shelter may be to go to another homeless shelter.
I'm drinking coffee trying to wake up and I have yet to take a shower, my neck and back are stiff and sore. I listened once again to the woman sharing the room with me ramble on and on and on into the night about her farting habits. I finally had to tell her to be quiet. I've decided that I don't especially like this woman but I pretend to be friendly.
I was going to get dressed up, but I've decided that it's too much work to get dressed up in a homeless shelter only to get on a bus, wander around in a city that I don't know then to drop off the resume that probably wont be considered. God I need to talk with someone- this is beyond the point of being idiotic.
I have a few more minutes at my coffee and then I have to go clean the shelter before I can get ready to leave on the bus.
Now that I'm in a homeless shelter my mother is behaving as weird as she can possibly be and she is apparently taking counsel from my alcoholic-drug addicted-on-disability brother on how to "handle the situation".
I'm sure my mother is soliciting all sorts of sympathy for HER and what SHE is going through. Oh-poor-name here- she has so much trouble.
And my aunt (her sister) who is a school teacher and should have an smidgen of intelligence is right along with her, oh poor Nar-mother.
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Briefly today I am tired, it may be a day of not doing very much, will attempt to take a nap.
Went for an aimless walk trying to discover a nicer place to walk, smelled a field of grass and watched the little strings of spiders on the tips of long grasses. Did I mention tired. Sat on a dirt road in the shade and looked at the rocks on the ground the varying jagged gray shapes between long pine needles. Thinking to myself trying to figure something out in my head but probably nothing will come of that. Only need to get some sort of action going by doing and not figuring out the puzzle of rebuilding a life.
Walked back. Listened to a woman's problems of going through a divorce and wish the people with problems could sum it up out of courtesy for me so I don't have to hear the long version. But no just listened because I was just waiting to take a nap.
And now...going to try for the nap. And suspecting the newest person at the shelter. And abnormal is becoming normal.
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Again the tired is being chased by 4 cups of coffee. I'm not sure that I have much to say. I'm procrastinating possibly because my little efforts don't really seem to add up to much. I don't think it is complete ineptness because, really there have been times when my efforts add up to something and I wasn't working harder at it.
I'm telling myself that I need to just DO STUFF and not think about the over all plan or how its going to work out strategically.
So last night, I was requesting advice but none was given from the beaten meth recovering woman. I know that "these people" are in no position to give advice. She knows that too so rather she just told me her experience with the truth and the untruth.
In interviews and on job applications I have not been telling people how I am living- I haven't attempted just telling the truth to people because I know a whole bunch of judgements or pity, disapproval, speculation or something will be in their minds. Yet, I was asking my "room-mate" what she thought about me just telling people why I need the job. That I need the job to become un-homeless etc.
There are services for people's critical needs if one is lucky such as food and shelter but some city's don't even have enough beds for every person. There are clothes that are used and are fine for not being naked but not good for looking "one's best".
Transportation can be a challenge for women at the homeless shelter and communications also if one can't afford to keep up the phone bill. Some people have "advocates" that don't help. Heaven forbid one of these women get emotional and frustrated, they may be kicked out of the shelter.
Anyways, I think there needs to be more programs with employers to help people get their foot in the door even if the person doesn't have a permanent address etc. But of course why would an employer hire people like that if there are 200 or more applications for every job posting.
I guess some sort of familiarity with these people is sinking in with me and their oddness or problems just don't seem far off from other people's problems and I don't understand exactly why these people are so down low. OR why they are viewed as so down low.
I know that some people grow up with positive goals instilled in them and those positive goals of being successful and looking good are gauged by not being a homeless person and then there also seems to be some ignorance in there. On the other hand I don't see these people at their worst because a shelter is a communal situation and that controls their behavior to a degree.
I really need to do something fun.
Well, I think I have decided that if I ever get another job interview I am going to attempt to explain truthfully how much I need a job right now.
I know it goes against every single piece of interview advice I have ever heard.
But then at least I wont be a liar, instead they will be stewing with their judgements and if they literally frown and scowl at me I guess I can just read ignorance into it. I want a chocolate brownie and I want to go hiking- I can't really make that happen right now. I want to make something like socks.
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Last Wednesday I wasn't feeling well when I was on the bus to get to another city where I dropped off a resume. I think it was viral flu type symptoms I was fighting off--although it could be related to stress and anxiety or hygiene in the soup kitchen. So on Thursday I allowed myself to just take a nap and I really needed it I was so tired. Then after Thursday I stopped searching so vigorously for jobs with the same amount of energy. I don't want to say that I am becoming depressed again necessarily, it's just that after I was feeling ill then the whole effect of emotional exhaustion and discouragement got to me. OR maybe it was just the virus.
I feel ok right now though, my hair is washed and I'm dressed and sitting with my pen and paper at a desk in a library and I only wish I had more time now that I am finally sitting down to plan my week starting Monday. I like this feeling of ordinary and clean.
Yesterday, a church made dinner at the soup kitchen, it wasn't exactly a fancy meal, it was just some sort of casserole but I really appreciated it. They made some kind of yellow cake that was tasty. Seriously eatting that dinner was the only thing I was looking forward to all day. The church women wrapped up some utensils in napkins- that's not the norm there so it felt civilized for once.
I have had it pointed out to me that I am a "quiet" one at the shelter but who knows what mouth that originated from, it may be from one of the people that I really don't want to speak with.
I hope next week something new comes up for me.
Today, at the shelter there was an issue in one of the restrooms with one of the women and I am not even going to elaborate. I just left and went for a walk by the river that also happens to be next to a busy road so it's not exactly as quiet and peaceful as I would like it to be. The muddy riverbank almost suctioned my shoes right off of my feet as I walked a distance away from fisherman who were catching nothing. I just looked at the ripple marks in the sand and the colors, shapes and textures of the stones like a child would do. Maybe I am so tired of planning and trying to DO something.
There is a young couple at the shelter who are traveling, they seem pretty sweet, they are hitchhiking around the country looking for a place to "settle down" interestingly enough and she is only 21.
I had to tell a homeless guy with a pitbull to move his dog today and I was a little surprised at how acquiescent he was.
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I come here to write like this is some safe repository for my feelings or thoughts. Today I don't feel like I have much to put here though. Mainly I think I'm fed-up and disgusted or discouraged. I'm sorry to admit this but today and for the last couple of days I just don't feel motivated. I'm getting tired of trying.
Thats all I have to say right now.