Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Twoapenny on January 12, 2011, 01:16:17 AM
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Hi all,
Have woken up this morning with that desperate, desperate longing for someone to take care of me. I have no-one. I haven't felt like this for a long time.
I don't have anyone in my life that really understands or offers to help. I have cut out my most toxic friends, but of the ones who are left very few ever call me (I call them), very few ever visit and there is really no-one I can be open and honest with. There's no-one I could call today and talk about how I feel at the moment. I've tried in the past but I find people generally don't understand and will say 'take a nice bath' or 'go shopping' or something which, I know does pick you up temporarily, but I'm talking about that deep seated, two year old part of you that's just a little girl desperately wanting someone to notice her and pick her up. I've always been over looked. I don'r remember a time when anyone's ever chosen me.
I was supposed to be starting back in therapy this week after the Christmas break but I really feel like I need to take a break from it all. As much as I find it helpful, the cost of it means there's no money for anything else. I pay my rent, bills, food and put fuel in the car. I have enough money for therapy left and that's it. Every penny is gone. I find constantly being broke difficult to manage and I don't feel like I have any reserves left to deal with any more emotional stuff at the minute. I'm so exhausted. I've been thinking about my step-dad this week. I know I need to work on him in therapy (not literally, but you know what I mean). The thought of it just stirs up so many bad feelings in me. I've been throwing up all week. I know it's nerves. I shake and cry and get terrible headaches when I think about him. I know I need to work through it but I just don't feel strong enough to do it at the minute. I feel like I'm holding up a huge boulder and my arms are just getting so tired.
I think I will tell my T this week that I need a break, and tell her the reasons why. Thank you for listening. I know you will understand. xx
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Hi all,
Have woken up this morning with that desperate, desperate longing for someone to take care of me. I have no-one. I haven't felt like this for a long time.
I don't have anyone in my life that really understands or offers to help. I have cut out my most toxic friends, but of the ones who are left very few ever call me (I call them), very few ever visit and there is really no-one I can be open and honest with. There's no-one I could call today and talk about how I feel at the moment. I've tried in the past but I find people generally don't understand and will say 'take a nice bath' or 'go shopping' or something which, I know does pick you up temporarily, but I'm talking about that deep seated, two year old part of you that's just a little girl desperately wanting someone to notice her and pick her up. I've always been over looked. I don'r remember a time when anyone's ever chosen me.
I was supposed to be starting back in therapy this week after the Christmas break but I really feel like I need to take a break from it all. As much as I find it helpful, the cost of it means there's no money for anything else. I pay my rent, bills, food and put fuel in the car. I have enough money for therapy left and that's it. Every penny is gone. I find constantly being broke difficult to manage and I don't feel like I have any reserves left to deal with any more emotional stuff at the minute. I'm so exhausted. I've been thinking about my step-dad this week. I know I need to work on him in therapy (not literally, but you know what I mean). The thought of it just stirs up so many bad feelings in me. I've been throwing up all week. I know it's nerves. I shake and cry and get terrible headaches when I think about him. I know I need to work through it but I just don't feel strong enough to do it at the minute. I feel like I'm holding up a huge boulder and my arms are just getting so tired.
I think I will tell my T this week that I need a break, and tell her the reasons why. Thank you for listening. I know you will understand. xx
(((((((((((((((((((TwoAPenny)))))))))))))))))))))))
I can identify with EVERYTHING you've said here. You are NOT alone!
Bones
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Aw sweetie... I'm sorry! You need a great big HUG ((((((((((Twoapenny)))))))))))
Couple things tho - if the topic of your step-dad is able to discombobulate you this much and brings up such overpowering feelings maybe this is exactly a reason for going back to therapy and dealing with it. That exhaustion you talk about might be simply a real reluctance to open that can of worms. It might look quite different after a couple of sessions.
I hear ya, on the financial side of things though. Especially when there isn't a whole lot to go around. So I have an idea that might help... maybe you can explain your situation and be accepted on a sliding scale - at least for the time being? Or perhaps be billed in installments? Surely your T knows and appreciates what your situation is and will be willing to work something out for you.
The other suggestion I have, is for addressing that "wanting someone to care about me" feeling. And it might help with what sounds like a good bit of panic coming up re: the stepdad. The suggestion is to officially "take the day off" from being you or anyone - as much as possible. To do what you can to satisfy that feeling, yourself... what form do you see this "caring" coming in? Talking things things through? Well, I used to spend the whole day chatting and working on stuff on the board - it seems no matter the time of day (or time zones), there's someone around. I process emotions by talking myself "out", so I can relate. For hugs and that tactile sense of comfort, I have an old, ratty, heavy terry robe that saw me through all the worst moments of my T work... and when I'm going out I'll add something around my neck or shoulders that's warm & fuzzy instead. I have been known to pet my hat... it's soothing... just like petting a sleeping kitten. I'll allow myself to have the kind of "comfort food" that's so not good for you - but does fill up a bit more of the "need space". And then, when I do finally relax - the tears come... just let them. Don't try to analyze them. Just hug yourself and get the tears out. Did you know that tears actually help detoxify the body? They also help detoxify my head! :D
Pick just ONE THING, that you'll accomplish today - (trivial, insignificant, normal chore... or whatever!) - and when you finish it, pat yourself on the back - tell yourself "good job" - and make a major production out your "reward" - a bit of chocolate, a cup of tea and a ten minute stare blankly at nothing; think nothing break... whatever seems to fit at the moment. And just be IN that moment, until you're absolutely ready to do something else.
Hope this helps, Tups! Everyone has blue days... but they're so much heavier, denser, and complicated when we're sorting out "old stuff". That feeling of carrying a huge boulder?? Yeah, I know it too. There will be a point in the work when - just like you woke up today feeling blue, you'll wake up and colors will be brighter and you'll feel different... and when you try to figure what's changed - you'll realize the boulder is gone.
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(((TP)))
I hope you can settle into journaling with a warm cup of comfort..... snuggle up and hot pen those awful emotions to get them out out out.
Holding them in isn't helpful. Maybe write about it then read it and write and write some more.... finally getting it out verbally when you're all alone in the house.... the showers a good place for that.
You have a right to every feeling your feeling. Don't try to keep it stuffed safely away. It comes out sideways every chance it gets.
I'm concerned about the vomiting...... I don't think you can hold the emotional stuff in any more. It's trying to come out.
Let it.
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Bonesie, thank you, your hug is much appreciated ((((((((())))))))))
Phoenix, you are right on every level. However (you knew it was coming, didn't you!!), I feel like I need to prepare for a big fight before I tackle it (him) head on. Physically, I am out of shape and feel sluggish. I want to get a few months of really healthy eating and some regular exercise under my belt before I deal with him. My son is having more tests tomorrow. He's disabled and already has a lot of health problems. Other things are cropping up which may be related to the existing problems, or may be new ones. Either way, I want to deal with that before I open those emotional floodgates. My house is one big cluttered mess simply because I don't have enough storage. I want to get loads of shelving put in and get around to all those little odd jobs that never get done so that, when it is really bad, at least my home will feel like a nice, safe place, instead of feeling like a junkyard, which it does at the moment (I am not the best housekeeper in the world!). I've also been battling through mountains of paperwork because my mum has made numerous false allegations about my over the years. I want to get all the inaccurate information corrected and finished, if you know what I mean, before I start dealing with anything else. There's also a possibility that there may be a negligence case in relation to my son's disability, so I also want to get that underway before I do anything else. I just feel like I want to sort out all the loose ends before I get into it with my T. But I am also aware that all of these things are stalling tactics as well. But I think I would cope with it all better if everything else was sorted out first. Financially, my T doesn't do any kind of sliding scale, she's actually very reasonable as therapists go which is why she doesn't offer concessions or instalment plans. I just feel I'd like to spend that money on making my house really comfy before I spend it on making myself uncomfortable, if you know what I mean? Thank you for your hug as well ((((((((())))))))))
Lighter, I think you are right about the vomiting. I am going for a physical check up, just to be sure it's nothing else, but I feel it's emotional rather than physical. It's kind of one of the reasons I want to get other things done before I deal with it head on. I was in the bath last night and this huge wave of terror?fear?apprehension? I don't know the best way to describe it? came over me. I was terribly sick, shaking and crying and all that goes through my head is 'make it stop, make it stop, make it stop'. I felt so numb and raw afterwards. And that's the time when I feel like I want to cover myself in some really luxurious body lotion, snuggle into a big fluffy dressing gown and curl up on the sofa and write in my journal. But I can't do those things because I don't have any nice lotion because I'm so broke, my sofa is sagging and really uncomfortable and, if I had a journal (which I don't at the minute) I wouldn't be able to find it because the house is such a tip! And I think that's why I want to get things 'in place' before I open this big can of worms up. I just want to feel like I can deal with it better because the rest of my life is easier. I feel like I want to make a nest for myself where I can really look after myself well. At the minute I feel like I'm perching on the end of the branch and it's not comfortable! Thank you for the hug ((((((((()))))))))
Sorry, it's a bit of a long and lengthy reply! Thanks for reading xx
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((((((((Tupp)))))))))
I'm sorry.
I'm going to fantasize a little with my imaginary (and likely very inaccurate) view into your life, just wondering if any of these ideas might help. Forgive the inaccuracies as we each have intimate and personal spaces, rituals, and challenges. But you can befriend any of these thoughts that feel helpful and just toss the rest, okay?
I wonder if it's very hard to "let go" of possessions and extra stuff or if you find yourself saying "it might be worth something some day" or "somebody might have a use for it some day". I don't think you're talking about hoarding but I read a compassionate article about the whole clutter-spectrum recently. (I know it well!) Poverty and community instability often trigger feelings in "the cluttered" that make it hard for them to see what a great cost there is to KEEPING excess things. Just owning too much. Regardless of what the items are. It's an eternal psychological drain on one's spiritual battery. Under the surface, just tugging you under.
What if you made your goal not a new shed to store things, but putting a shed's equivalent out for donation or discard? I bet once you got going, you might start feeling seriously liberated. A surprised and happy feeling might await you. (It's what I hear, over and over, and read, and it's almost always the same--people imagine, in terrible detail, the great anxiety and regret they'd feel over letting something go, releasing it. And then when they actually DO it, they feel healing and liberation and joy--quite the opposite!) It's the Zen way of dealing with mess, as opposed to the "more" or "control by organizing it all" ways. When you feel you have less security in your situation, that might even be a time to go in a counter-intuitive direction to ensure you likewise have less stuff than "secure" folks.
A spacious, near-empty living room is much easier to paint in serene colors you love with very inexpensive paint (people turn extra cans of custom tints in that most places sell for nearly nothing) ... a few huge cushions on a floor and against a wall, a nice thrift store or streetside "find" armchair, a great painting or two (you can "commission" children to do amazing things on the backs of big posters--my D's age-3 abstract is above the mantel--and my exH, an artist, raved when he first saw it because he thought it was a well-known artist--ha!) on the wall, a couple candles here and there.
"Stuff" actually is expensive--usually more expensive to keep than people see. There's the storage cost, but more importantly, the time and energy (physical and emotional) cost of cleaning and --the biggest real thing that is "uncounted" of being concerned about it.
And about YOU, who are much more important than any "stuff" -- I just have this thought. In my church community, there is a volunteer function called Pastoral Visitors (doesn't matter if you meet them somewhere else or whatever). These listening-oriented people go through special training to learn how to be compassionate friends, and just be present, with others' pain. And in complete confidence. They're not a replacement for psychologists or therapists (and will be comfortable asking if you have that support), but they're a wonderful adjunct. I've talked to one of them when I was in a dark place and would not hesitate to again.
You do know you are a valuable member of the human community, and you do deserve a warm positive group of friends and PHamily, right? You do know you deserve to have that in addition to therapy, right? You do know you don't have to share your troubles only exclusively with a therapist, right? You do know you're entitled and welcome and deserve a community of your own, no matter how hard your path has been?
love to you, a big hug, and a day's worth of boxing and sorting for releasing you, if I could give it.
Hops
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I understand the need to organize space and put things in order, Tupp.
I also understand how difficult is it to do, esp when we're facing things with emotional triggers and baggage attached.
So so hard to go through the piles of our lives without becoming overwhelmed, sidetracked or focused on details, leaving the larger job untouched.
I do it. I've done it. I know it's almost impossible to tackle it without the help of very organized friends who have no attachments to my stuff.
So, if you're waiting till your space is in order...... you might find you're waiting for years.
Maybe if you can just take an area..... like the one around your desk, bathroom or livingroom where you'd journal if you were to journal, and make it sacred with attention and mindfulness?
Organize, dust, declutter and freshen up with sunshine.
One good feeling leads to another...... it's always true for me, though getting started can be like pulling teeth.
I'm in need of a good kickstart rigth now, after holidays and guests.
Is there someone you know who's good at organizing and keeping on track? Who can pull things out of your arms and put them in the out bin? Keep you moving through the process? I'm good at it for other people, but not myself.
Maybe you can find a nice notebook on sale, garage sale or second hand store...... thrift shop, that kick starts your jounaling for 2011?
I used to journal on the children's art paper...... whatever was around.
The thoughts have to come out, Tupp.
OK! I'm going to take my own advice and start vacuuming! (Which isn't my favorite thing to do, but I'll feel so much better when it's through; )
Lighter
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OOOOOO. Now I'm really worried about you!
It's been my experience (and of course might not apply to you) that we have zippo-nada-no control over when those old emotional issues come up and demand to be dealt with. When it's time - it's time. That part of a person doesn't give a rat's about what else is going on in one's life. Maybe it's because after so many other times of being postponed, pushed back, forgotten through distractions or other things on the "to-do" list the impatience to be "heard" by the rest of our own being, grows in intensity and desperation.
I hear you about your "to-do" list, though. And I agree with your rationale, too. It makes plain good sense. I do completely relate to the technique of avoiding some emotional processing (like more levels of grief over my MIL; I'm stuck with clearing out her personal items) with a list of "worthy" and even "necessary" other things to do. But the problem is... that strategy only works so long; the "immunity" it provides you starts to wear off, becomes less successful or effective. Until, at some point, it begins to affect you bodily, physically.
At that point - time is up. Once you begin to have physical effects from the emotional "indigestion", it can't be postponed anymore. Now the emotional issue is becoming a medical issue - that can't be treated medically. Whatever it is - has to come out. Maybe not all once; maybe not like ripping off a bandaid all at once - hair and all. Maybe very gently, very gradually... maybe even don't approach it head-on... maybe an indirect approach will be easier on you.
No matter what else is going on or needs to be addressed, I've found I absolutely have to take the time to at least begin devoting X amount of time to dealing with the emotional issue. In managable chunks, so that I can still cross some things off that to-do list, too. And I also need to be doing some mind-body work for it's soothing and calming benefits. 2 minutes, 3 times a day to just "sit" with the feelings... 5 minutes of stretching... a 10-15 min tea break... getting up 30 minutes earlier to journal for 30 minutes - so that the rest of my day, I'm not "interrupted" by that emotional issue (whatever feels "right" and works for you personally)... and I am ABLE to cross things off the to-do list. If I don't do this... eventually I'm not even able to look at the list; I don't care what was on it; I'm just flat out miserable.
Maybe just commit to one appt with your T? To tell her what's coming up for you and to suggest ways to ease into it, so that you don't become so overwhelmed you can't function. That way it's not such a financial burden either. And maybe by acknowledging that you know you have to begin addressing this topic - and working through it slowly, in increments, over a longer time frame - maybe some of the intensity will begin to lessen along with the physical symptoms. (that's a huge maybe - at some point the "uglies" still do get faced and it's not pretty or easy)
With the most painful topics, it takes more time (I used to dance around a specific memory for a month or more)... so it's sort of natural to work out a "system" with your T, where you work on your own - homework - and then de-brief with the T, less often. Plus - you have us! We'll help encourage you, comfort you, so it's not like you'll be totally alone with your homework - consider us tutors, maybe! LOL!!
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Hi Tupp,
Your post struck me because I have been reading a book called "Its All Too Much" by Peter Walsh. Its a "get rid of the stuff" sort of book, but it talks about how we get to where we are with so much. He talks about the people he has helped that were overwhelmed by their clutter and what was behind it.
I really liked the book and it helped me get through some snags I have hit as I have down sized from a very large house to a small apartment. The loss of "things" has triggered a lot of grief in both my kids and myself...but I was drawn in by his discussion of what I want my life to look like and whether or not my "stuff" was getting in the way of that picture or was actively helping me get there.
Maybe its my age, but I am tired of dragging around stuff and people who are going to slow down my last years of accomplishment. Maybe the book will help you too.
CB
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Now the emotional issue is becoming a medical issue
Tupp, what PR wrote hit me strongly...so I just wanted to repeat it.
It cuts to the most important thing, which is you not letting yourself be further sickened.
Whatever helps you, will help you. I have great faith in your capacity to make choices that will help you.
I think of VESMB mates not as "tutors" but as equals and peers. (No disrespect at all, PR, I think that word just tweaks me a bit -- I know how positively you mean it!).
None here are more "advanced" or "the teacher". (Though in my pompous fashion I'm sure I sound like one a LOT -- so maybe I'm writing this to remind myself.) We're all co-teachers. We're all people at different stages of healing and learning and we all can offer help, advice, and stories or offer the gift of our vulnerability. It's a complex weave of support...for me sometimes it's seeing someone make breakthroughs or process things in a way I yearn to make or do myself, seeing people start on one kind of thing or not another, seeing people way down a particular track offer me signs of their passage as something to follow, seeing a unique perspective on something that never occurred to me, or just seeing people right next to me extend a hand in friendship and support for my own path. It's equalizing and humbling.
Where one is most wise and kind, is where one's most strong. But where one is weak and broken is where one's most ready. I am as helped by the trust people offer here in vulnerable times, as I am by the advice.
Only you can suss out which path, method, or advice is useful and the great thing is that it's your choice to take what works or what matches where you are in difficulty or in your healing, and leave the rest.
VESMB is a fountain. I love that it just keeps pouring. What splashes aside for me, another may need. What I need, there's plenty of.
And I'm rambling again.
xxoo
Hops
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... and yes, Hops has clarified what I meant with my own last rambling bit! Thanks, Hops.
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You guys are amazing. I am back on the straight and narrow :)
I have started to de-clutter my home. I have so much stuff. I didn't even know I had some of it. So far I've filled two bins with rubbish, have done one run to the charity/recycling centre and have another car load ready to go tomorrow. My little boy has been helping sort through his toys to give some away to charity. There are some things I really can't decide about, so I've put those in a box to leave until the end. There's still a lot to do. I feel good for having started on it, though.
I have been accused of being a bad mum so many times that I feel I have to display everything I ever do with my son. It's like the house has to be some sort of living testimony to my parenting, so that anyone walking in can see I love him, I look after him well, that I care about him. There was no sign of children in our home. We were allowed posters in our rooms, but if you'd taken those down you wouldn't have known we lived there. I have gone too far the other way. Our house looks like it's inhabited by an eight year old, with a grown up that just sleeps there. There's very little of me in our house. So I have taken down the drawings and the paintings and the sticker pictures and all the other stuff. I've got some of his best bits in frames, so I will fix those on the wall once I've rearranged the furniture and stuff and avoid cluttering the walls with more stuff that he makes. I've grouped together some lovely things friends have given me and arranged them so they're the first thing I see when I walk in the front door. They look really nice.
Hops, you said: And about YOU, who are much more important than any "stuff" -- I just have this thought. In my church community, there is a volunteer function called Pastoral Visitors (doesn't matter if you meet them somewhere else or whatever). These listening-oriented people go through special training to learn how to be compassionate friends, and just be present, with others' pain. And in complete confidence. They're not a replacement for psychologists or therapists (and will be comfortable asking if you have that support), but they're a wonderful adjunct. I've talked to one of them when I was in a dark place and would not hesitate to again.
You do know you are a valuable member of the human community, and you do deserve a warm positive group of friends and PHamily, right? You do know you deserve to have that in addition to therapy, right? You do know you don't have to share your troubles only exclusively with a therapist, right? You do know you're entitled and welcome and deserve a community of your own, no matter how hard your path has been?
I am not more important than stuff. I realised that when I read your post. My mum let him do what he liked to me because he bought her stuff. She sold me. She cared more about what she wore, what she drove and how her house looked than she did about her kids. I need to work on that. I need to feel that I am more important than anything else. I don't have a group of positive friends. All of my friends know about the problems I have, the therapy, the abuse, the flashbacks, my little boy's disability and so on. I have two that call me. No-one else calls unless I call them. The two that call don't want to listen. They tell me to think positive and not to go to counselling because it upsets me. I need to work on more intimate relationships, ones where I can really be myself and feel accepted. I don't have those yet. But I want them. Thank you xxxxx
Lighter, I bought some nice paper and a folder to keep it in so I can start journalling. I've put a pen in the folder so I have no excuse for not being able to find things. It's in a drawer in the kitchen that was full of bits of string and cables that attach to who knows what. I chucked it all in the bin so I have a space. Thank you xxx
Phoenix, I am going back to counselling. I may go fortnightly for a while, just so it doesn't feel like too much in one go. I am so scared. But I want to get better. So I have an appointment booked, and I am seeing the homeopath next week as well. Each time I see him I am a little bit closer to getting there. It's difficult because he says he needs to treat the terrified twelve year old, not the 'good at putting a cover on it all' adult. But because the flashbacks are getting more vivid and more physical and I don't seem to be disassociating like I used to I am finding it easier to describe how that twelve year old feels. So hopefully he can give me something to help with the fear. Thank you xxx
CB, I will check out that book. I am amazed at how much stuff I have, and especially at how much has been given to me by other people. I feel guilty getting rid of things people bought for me. Funnily enough, a lot of the stuff I don't want has been given to me by my sister. I had a suitcase in the cupboard under the stairs, which I needed to put in the loft. When I opened the hatch, I couldn't get my case in there because the loft is full of my sister's stuff. I guess it runs in the family :) Thank you xx
Hops. You never sound pompous xx
Thank you all so much. You have given me hope. When I'm sitting in my spacious living room sipping my drink in a couple of weeks time I will think of you all. Thank you xxx
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I am AWED.
Holy moly!
(And I'd better start practicing what I preach...)
What strikes me as so wonderful about this, Tupp, is that this thread started with you feeling a desperate need for someone to take care of you...
And look who that turned out to be?
She Whose Serenity Is More Important Than Stuff
xxoo
Hops
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Wowser....
you've been busy, Tupp: )
I'll have you know this thread's been a big help in motivating me to tackle some things I've been avoiding too.
About dealing with the pain of your 12yo Tupp.....
I don't know if taking anything to help with that fear will help, or hinder.
It may be that you walk into that fire, and discover it doesn't kill you to feel it, in all it's intensity.
It may be that a little ativan, just a corner, takes the edge off enough that you bend, and don't break.
I don't know, but I'm inspired by you, and looking forward to reading your next chapter: )
Lighter
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Thank you so much. You have all helped me so much with this.
I am horrified at how much crap I have in my house. I am ploughing through it, and loading up the car as I go. There is virtually nothing in here that I have purposely set out to buy. Most stuff has been brought on impulse in charity shops and at car boot sales, whilst a lot has been given to me by other people. My son had 48 CD Roms for his computer. There are only two that we specifically set out to buy, that he really wanted. I have put the rest in the bag for charity. No wonder I always feel skint. Because I buy things cheap I feel like I'm not spending much. But there must be hundreds of pounds worth of stuff here that I have bought on impulse because it was only a couple of pounds.
Nothing in my life is about me. The stuff in my house isn't me, the thoughts in my head are other people's, my feelings are caused by things other people do or say. Where the hell am I? No wonder I feel so lonely. I have no idea who I am or where I am. This is probably why I can't connect to my friends - there's a great big chunk of me missing. I need to work on this!!
Thank you so much xxxxxxxxxx
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I am horrified at how much crap I have in my house.
Me too, sweetie - me too! It's a trigger into my own feelings of being "less important than the stuff"... a big feature in my mom's hoarding issues. She has important relationships with her "stuff" - because she isn't able to have relationships with people, is my theory.
I just have to say that I'm very impressed with all your decisions after that first post, two days ago. Good job! That "big chunk" of you that seems to be "missing"? It might be busy, pre-occupied and obsessed with resolving old fears, conflicts, doublebinds but isn't able to since she's so young... in other words, I think you might recover that part of you as you start to work through the issues with your stepdad. Maybe not all in a whoosh, at once... maybe gradually. I'm still working on integrating that part of "me" with my life now... from my own history. There are some surprises - pleasant ones! - in this process. If I'd known there was an upside to this process, it would've helped me manage some of the fear - that was my own, at this age - about opening my own can of worms.
Oh, that reminds me! About the fear... I don't know if I can say this in a way that you can grasp yet... but the overwhelming, totally consuming fear belongs to the 12 yr old you. She is still afraid. And she's asking for help - like you did with your first post of this thread. The things that are so frightening at that age, sometimes are still fearful to adults - but adults have some extra capacity for dealing with fear; experience that helps them go on in spite of fear, etc. It's not a disabling, overwhelming fear anymore to adults, even if it remains significant. Still to be reckoned with; but not an invincible obstacle.
You, yourself, can help comfort that little girl... protect her... calm those fears and help her come to a new understanding of what she went through. The journal will get that process going and your T can help, too. But, most importantly - you'll be there helping her; your "missing piece" will be found, recognized, soothed and protected by the same tiger-mom woman who told sister's bully ex where to go in no uncertain terms... and found out that felt really good! This is sort the blurb-edition of the type of healing that I sense you're on the verge of.
It will be OK, it will be alright - keep telling that 12 yr old you're going to help her now, every time the fear starts to threaten to break through in a flood. Tell her you'll set aside a special time - just for her because she's important to YOU. And then start doing it. Just sit quietly and comfortably in a peaceful part of your day and ask if she's there and what she wants to talk about - and then start writing that down, as it comes. It might get difficult; she might clam up again. Or she might feel so relieved that it comes faster and faster in such big torrents... that you don't have enough time to get it all down! You can gently remind her that her time is up for now, that she surely won't forget where she was in telling her story to you, and that you'll pick up where you left off tomorrow.
It wasn't long after I started journalling this way, that I could start to tell which was my 12 yr old voice and which was me now: processing, understanding, creating a full picture of what happened - a clear narrative - and then digesting it (finally!!) and moving on to the next bit of the story. And I started to finally understand that I could help myself heal those old wounds; the things that were completely indigestible - unfathomable - and so, incomprehensibly resolvable way back when. But I started it all, with the T. I absolutely needed another person - in 3D - because of the intensity of my fear. There were two clearly separate working phases... and I didn't start working on finding my "missing piece" - until I went back after a break of some months. It's almost as if I needed to build up some confidence and trust - in myself and in the process with the T - first. And then we tackled the real reason I was there.
Good luck, sweetie! I'll keep checking back to see how you're doing... if you come across something you need help with or whatever. I think you'll feel ever so much better when you start to get the "poisonous infection" out of your system!
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Hope blue turns rosy soon! -- whatever the reason -- I am the process of getting rid of stuff too - it is helping! And handling all the stuff I'm getting rid of has helped me to "resist" further acquisitions. We are keeping a few caches of abject junk as a reminder -- until I am "stronger." As long as I have so much removal to do -- and am facing the hoard -- I am less likely to desire or accumulate more. And we have given a lot away -- these days there is so much need -- better than having something useful take up space. Love, Biddy
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Phoenix, thank you, I will keep reading what you have written. I think my little girl is getting ready to talk to me. My T suggested a 'chair' exercise quite a while ago - two chairs, where one is your adult self and one is your child. There is a conversation between the two. She says it's very powerful and can be very cathartic. I have been too scared to do it. Maybe it's time. Thank you.
BD, I completely agree with you about not acquiring more! It's so easy to accept a bag of clothes or toys from a friend, or to come out of a charity shop with a bag full of stuff. I must not do it any more!
As for my house - well, it's almost empty. I have cleared out every cupboard except for one. I have got rid of so many things that I reckon the books and paperwork etc that I do need/want to keep will all fit in the big cupboard in the hallway now. That will just mean some decorative shelving in the front room for my nice pictures and a few small ornaments that I've kept. The place needs a good clean and re-decorating but that can be done bit by bit. I am absolutely knackered and still have a couple more car loads to get rid of. But I feel so much better for doing it!
Thank you, everyone, for kick starting me on this and getting my clutter shifted! xx
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::picturing Tupp, glowing in the unexpected energy of uncluttered space::
Yes: )
Lighter
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I think I'm going to have start calling you "Penny" for short, instead of Tupps - lucky Penny!
Catharsis, is a good way to understand this kind of work. It really felt like removing a poison arrow that kept dripping a time-release amount of poison into me - or like a huge, invisible burden had been lifted from my shoulders (more like removing a mean, nasty smelly "monkey" off my back!) I was so reluctant to even let myself remember what I knew (as child me) that I worked in therapy for about a year and half before I started. I like to say that my T introduced me to my child me... and that we became very BFFs shortly after. My T even let me dive into the "I wish I'd had someone to help me do this all those years ago" for awhile. But she didn't let that "harden" into an attitude of self-pity, an excuse for not trying to change now, or even regret/resentment. She kept pushing me into "NOW" - after we'd processed what was "stuck" back in child-me's craw.
So - little Penny is LUCKY - because she's got you coming to rescue her.
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Phoenix, I just did what you suggested and tried talking to her. I've called her Penny. I told her I'd look after her and keep her safe. I wrote down what came into my head from her. I had to stop after ten minutes, it was so intense it made me feel sick. I feel very shaky and a bit light headed. But I am glad I made a start. I'm glad she trusts me enough to start telling me about it. Thank you for suggesting this to me. I wll try and do a little every day. Thank you ((((()))))))
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Wow! That was brave, Penny....
if you're having such strong reactions from the get-go, it tells me that little Penny is READY to be heard... but at the beginning, it's good to keep the time allotted for this very short. Especially if it's already intense. Do your relaxation breathing... your "safe" exercises... right after writing or engaging in conversation with her - it'll help both of you to make that part of the routine... sort of an emotional "cool down". Maybe don't do this everyday; start every other day - or longer intervals - until you get a working relationship established.
When's your visit with your T? You don't want to get too far ahead - or too far out on a limb, either! It'll take too long to get her caught up with "current events"...
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I'm seeing her next week. I don't feel like I can switch it off now. Bits have been flashing into my head all day; I slept for about an hour tonight and then was wide awake again. My brain's just swirling bits round and round. I've written down what I can but it's got too jumbled now and foggy. I've felt sick all day. I've got some herbal tablets to help me sleep, I think I might take some otherwise I'll be wrecked all day tomorrow. It feels like it's all tumbling out. I expect it's good, in the long run. Just feels a bit much at the minute xx
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Well - this kind of emotional spewing, actually qualifed for me (in my judgement), as an official "sick day". I could do this - but it's harder for mom to have a "day off". I had a few of those, initially. It was real important for me to "honor" the things that were coming out - take them very seriously, while still keeping the perspective that it was a long time ago and to always, always follow up with a hug, and comfort session for the little girl who had been lugging this huge secret around, for such a long time.
Once the bits become a narrative - or even as little as an outline of a narrative... there has to be a rest period. Patting the little girl's hair & back... holding her... telling her you're sorry - it wasn't her fault - and you will help her now. Thank her for telling you. Tell her it's important to you to hear everything and that you're not going anyway until she's done. She'll start to calm down and will slow down... she might be afraid this is her only chance to "get it all out" and be heard, you know? Once she gets used to the fact that you'll be there, as often as she needs you... she'll relax a little and slow down enough for you to continue to function.
I suggest you take what you've written with you next week. Not to let the T read it - but as a reference for you. The privacy of the journals might need to be upheld... in the beginning. It might be hard to remember everything; the order of things; the important themes in all the details of little Penny's long-stored memory. It might not happen with you, but I had a hard time "remembering" what had seemed so important that I got out of bed and went to my writing at the other end of the house, even if it was just the night before!
These inner children can be just like real children! They need some guidelines, limits, ground rules - and lots & lots of attention.
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Thanks P, your posts are really helping xx I barely slept last night so I feel exhausted today but somehow cleaner? On the inside I mean. It's hard to describe it but although my body feels shattered my spirit feels quite calm and peaceful. Does that make sense? usually it's my inside that's in turmoil but today it feels like she's sleeping. We are having an easy day today. We visited a friend this morning, we're going to the park after lunch and then he has his club this afternoon, so I'm going to go food shopping and stock up on ready meals. Usually I cook every day but I figured it would be better to get some easy food in for days like this so I can just heat things up and not have to do anything. I won't try and write today, just spend the day resting. Thank you for all your feedback, it's really helping me xxx
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I understand - it's like an infection is starting to clear up. Or pain is going away... the source of the pain is being removed from "inside". You - and little Penny - will naturally be tired, but the rest you get now, will be healing.
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Tupp:
A psychologist friend of mine gave up regular therapy sessions in order to write a book on becoming more charming.
He said "If I have to give out bandaids, I'd rather give out pretty bandaids."
This he said with resignation and a broken heart, bc, in his opinion, people aren't typically willing to do the work you're doing right now.
It's just too painful, and humans spend their lives going from one distraction to another, in order to avoid that pain.
Through the fire is the only way out, Tupp.
When it gets really hard, remember that pain is salvation, not destruction.
(((((Tupp)))))
On another note..... I'm determined to have an upbeat, positive day creating sacred space in this house: )
Continued thanks for the kick start, my friend.
Hear! Hear! For uncluttered, sunny spaces: )
Lighter
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Lighter, what you said rings so true. I see people all around me who haven't dealt with their pain and they bounce from one thing to another, like you say. I have a friend who is in so much debt she might lose her house, because she shops rather than dealing with things. I have several friends who are in their forties and now facing the prospect of never having the children they want because they've gone from one non-commital bloke to another, rather than look at why they keep going for the wrong kind. And my mum - I don't feel angry at her any more? I see a sad, scared, lonely woman who attacked outwardly rather than looking in and who's pushed away everyone who may have been healthy enough to actually do her some good. I see someone who gets through the day in a drunken haze because sobriety - and reality - are just to painful for her. And the thought of ending up like that - and of having my son view me with the same sort of disturbed pity that I view my mum with - is even scarier than dealing with this.
I'm glad you got clearing too! My house feels so much better. I've still bits and pieces to do and finish off but it's already so much nicer than it was, and I feel like it's okay to take a break and do nothing for a while, whereas in the past I always felt like I ought to be doing something. It's helped me so much.
P, it does feel like something being removed. I know it sounds crazy but I swear my belly is smaller? I know it sounds mad but I feel slimmer and less rounded, like something's been lifted out. I am tucked up in bed. It's lovely and warm. My boy is at his club and I am going to nap for a while and take it easy. Thank you so much to both of you xxxxx