You guys are amazing. I am back on the straight and narrow

I have started to de-clutter my home. I have so much stuff. I didn't even know I had some of it. So far I've filled two bins with rubbish, have done one run to the charity/recycling centre and have another car load ready to go tomorrow. My little boy has been helping sort through his toys to give some away to charity. There are some things I really can't decide about, so I've put those in a box to leave until the end. There's still a lot to do. I feel good for having started on it, though.
I have been accused of being a bad mum so many times that I feel I have to display everything I ever do with my son. It's like the house has to be some sort of living testimony to my parenting, so that anyone walking in can see I love him, I look after him well, that I care about him. There was no sign of children in our home. We were allowed posters in our rooms, but if you'd taken those down you wouldn't have known we lived there. I have gone too far the other way. Our house looks like it's inhabited by an eight year old, with a grown up that just sleeps there. There's very little of me in our house. So I have taken down the drawings and the paintings and the sticker pictures and all the other stuff. I've got some of his best bits in frames, so I will fix those on the wall once I've rearranged the furniture and stuff and avoid cluttering the walls with more stuff that he makes. I've grouped together some lovely things friends have given me and arranged them so they're the first thing I see when I walk in the front door. They look really nice.
Hops, you said: And about YOU, who are much more important than any "stuff" -- I just have this thought. In my church community, there is a volunteer function called Pastoral Visitors (doesn't matter if you meet them somewhere else or whatever). These listening-oriented people go through special training to learn how to be compassionate friends, and just be present, with others' pain. And in complete confidence. They're not a replacement for psychologists or therapists (and will be comfortable asking if you have that support), but they're a wonderful adjunct. I've talked to one of them when I was in a dark place and would not hesitate to again.
You do know you are a valuable member of the human community, and you do deserve a warm positive group of friends and PHamily, right? You do know you deserve to have that in addition to therapy, right? You do know you don't have to share your troubles only exclusively with a therapist, right? You do know you're entitled and welcome and deserve a community of your own, no matter how hard your path has been?
I am not more important than stuff. I realised that when I read your post. My mum let him do what he liked to me because he bought her stuff. She sold me. She cared more about what she wore, what she drove and how her house looked than she did about her kids. I need to work on that. I need to feel that I am more important than anything else. I don't have a group of positive friends. All of my friends know about the problems I have, the therapy, the abuse, the flashbacks, my little boy's disability and so on. I have two that call me. No-one else calls unless I call them. The two that call don't want to listen. They tell me to think positive and not to go to counselling because it upsets me. I need to work on more intimate relationships, ones where I can really be myself and feel accepted. I don't have those yet. But I want them. Thank you xxxxx
Lighter, I bought some nice paper and a folder to keep it in so I can start journalling. I've put a pen in the folder so I have no excuse for not being able to find things. It's in a drawer in the kitchen that was full of bits of string and cables that attach to who knows what. I chucked it all in the bin so I have a space. Thank you xxx
Phoenix, I am going back to counselling. I may go fortnightly for a while, just so it doesn't feel like too much in one go. I am so scared. But I want to get better. So I have an appointment booked, and I am seeing the homeopath next week as well. Each time I see him I am a little bit closer to getting there. It's difficult because he says he needs to treat the terrified twelve year old, not the 'good at putting a cover on it all' adult. But because the flashbacks are getting more vivid and more physical and I don't seem to be disassociating like I used to I am finding it easier to describe how that twelve year old feels. So hopefully he can give me something to help with the fear. Thank you xxx
CB, I will check out that book. I am amazed at how much stuff I have, and especially at how much has been given to me by other people. I feel guilty getting rid of things people bought for me. Funnily enough, a lot of the stuff I don't want has been given to me by my sister. I had a suitcase in the cupboard under the stairs, which I needed to put in the loft. When I opened the hatch, I couldn't get my case in there because the loft is full of my sister's stuff. I guess it runs in the family

Thank you xx
Hops. You never sound pompous xx
Thank you all so much. You have given me hope. When I'm sitting in my spacious living room sipping my drink in a couple of weeks time I will think of you all. Thank you xxx