Having a blue day

[Twoapenny]

Hi all,

Have woken up this morning with that desperate, desperate longing for someone to take care of me.  I have no-one.  I haven't felt like this for a long time.

I don't have anyone in my life that really understands or offers to help.  I have cut out my most toxic friends, but of the ones who are left very few ever call me (I call them), very few ever visit and there is really no-one I can be open and honest with.  There's no-one I could call today and talk about how I feel at the moment.  I've tried in the past but I find people generally don't understand and will say 'take a nice bath' or 'go shopping' or something which, I know does pick you up temporarily, but I'm talking about that deep seated, two year old part of you that's just a little girl desperately wanting someone to notice her and pick her up.  I've always been over looked.  I don'r remember a time when anyone's ever chosen me.

I was supposed to be starting back in therapy this week after the Christmas break but I really feel like I need to take a break from it all.  As much as I find it helpful, the cost of it means there's no money for anything else.  I pay my rent, bills, food and put fuel in the car.  I have enough money for therapy left and that's it.  Every penny is gone.  I find constantly being broke difficult to manage and I don't feel like I have any reserves left to deal with any more emotional stuff at the minute.  I'm so exhausted.  I've been thinking about my step-dad this week.  I know I need to work on him in therapy (not literally, but you know what I mean).  The thought of it just stirs up so many bad feelings in me.  I've been throwing up all week.  I know it's nerves.  I shake and cry and get terrible headaches when I think about him.  I know I need to work through it but I just don't feel strong enough to do it at the minute.  I feel like I'm holding up a huge boulder and my arms are just getting so tired.

I think I will tell my T this week that I need a break, and tell her the reasons why.  Thank you for listening.  I know you will understand. xx

[BonesMS]

Hi all,

Have woken up this morning with that desperate, desperate longing for someone to take care of me.  I have no-one.  I haven't felt like this for a long time.

I don't have anyone in my life that really understands or offers to help.  I have cut out my most toxic friends, but of the ones who are left very few ever call me (I call them), very few ever visit and there is really no-one I can be open and honest with.  There's no-one I could call today and talk about how I feel at the moment.  I've tried in the past but I find people generally don't understand and will say 'take a nice bath' or 'go shopping' or something which, I know does pick you up temporarily, but I'm talking about that deep seated, two year old part of you that's just a little girl desperately wanting someone to notice her and pick her up.  I've always been over looked.  I don'r remember a time when anyone's ever chosen me.

I was supposed to be starting back in therapy this week after the Christmas break but I really feel like I need to take a break from it all.  As much as I find it helpful, the cost of it means there's no money for anything else.  I pay my rent, bills, food and put fuel in the car.  I have enough money for therapy left and that's it.  Every penny is gone.  I find constantly being broke difficult to manage and I don't feel like I have any reserves left to deal with any more emotional stuff at the minute.  I'm so exhausted.  I've been thinking about my step-dad this week.  I know I need to work on him in therapy (not literally, but you know what I mean).  The thought of it just stirs up so many bad feelings in me.  I've been throwing up all week.  I know it's nerves.  I shake and cry and get terrible headaches when I think about him.  I know I need to work through it but I just don't feel strong enough to do it at the minute.  I feel like I'm holding up a huge boulder and my arms are just getting so tired.

I think I will tell my T this week that I need a break, and tell her the reasons why.  Thank you for listening.  I know you will understand. xx

(((((((((((((((((((TwoAPenny)))))))))))))))))))))))

I can identify with EVERYTHING you've said here.  You are NOT alone!

Bones

[sKePTiKal]

Aw sweetie... I'm sorry! You need a great big HUG  ((((((((((Twoapenny)))))))))))

Couple things tho - if the topic of your step-dad is able to discombobulate you this much and brings up such overpowering feelings maybe this is exactly a reason for going back to therapy and dealing with it. That exhaustion you talk about might be simply a real reluctance to open that can of worms. It might look quite different after a couple of sessions.

I hear ya, on the financial side of things though. Especially when there isn't a whole lot to go around. So I have an idea that might help... maybe you can explain your situation and be accepted on a sliding scale - at least for the time being? Or perhaps be billed in installments? Surely your T knows and appreciates what your situation is and will be willing to work something out for you.

The other suggestion I have, is for addressing that "wanting someone to care about me" feeling. And it might help with what sounds like a good bit of panic coming up re: the stepdad. The suggestion is to officially "take the day off" from being you or anyone - as much as possible. To do what you can to satisfy that feeling, yourself... what form do you see this "caring" coming in? Talking things things through? Well, I used to spend the whole day chatting and working on stuff on the board - it seems no matter the time of day (or time zones), there's someone around. I process emotions by talking myself "out", so I can relate. For hugs and that tactile sense of comfort, I have an old, ratty, heavy terry robe that saw me through all the worst moments of my T work... and when I'm going out I'll add something around my neck or shoulders that's warm & fuzzy instead. I have been known to pet my hat... it's soothing...  just like petting a sleeping kitten. I'll allow myself to have the kind of "comfort food" that's so not good for you - but does fill up a bit more of the "need space". And then, when I do finally relax - the tears come... just let them. Don't try to analyze them. Just hug yourself and get the tears out. Did you know that tears actually help detoxify the body? They also help detoxify my head! 

Pick just ONE THING, that you'll accomplish today - (trivial, insignificant, normal chore... or whatever!) - and when you finish it, pat yourself on the back - tell yourself "good job" - and make a major production out your "reward" - a bit of chocolate, a cup of tea and a ten minute stare blankly at nothing; think nothing break... whatever seems to fit at the moment. And just be IN that moment, until you're absolutely ready to do something else.

Hope this helps, Tups! Everyone has blue days... but they're so much heavier, denser, and complicated when we're sorting out "old stuff". That feeling of carrying a huge boulder?? Yeah, I know it too. There will be a point in the work when - just like you woke up today feeling blue, you'll wake up and colors will be brighter and you'll feel different... and when you try to figure what's changed - you'll realize the boulder is gone.

[lighter]

(((TP)))

I hope you can settle into journaling with a warm cup of comfort..... snuggle up and hot pen those awful emotions to get them out out out.

Holding them in isn't helpful.  Maybe write about it then read it and write and write some more.... finally getting it out verbally when you're all alone in the house.... the showers a good place for that.

You have a right to every feeling your feeling.  Don't try to keep it stuffed safely away.  It comes out sideways every chance it gets.

I'm concerned about the vomiting...... I don't think you can hold the emotional stuff in any more.  It's trying to come out.

Let it.

[Twoapenny]

Bonesie, thank you, your hug is much appreciated ((((((((())))))))))

Phoenix, you are right on every level.  However (you knew it was coming, didn't you!!), I feel like I need to prepare for a big fight before I tackle it (him) head on.  Physically, I am out of shape and feel sluggish.  I want to get a few months of really healthy eating and some regular exercise under my belt before I deal with him.  My son is having more tests tomorrow.  He's disabled and already has a lot of health problems.  Other things are cropping up which may be related to the existing problems, or may be new ones.  Either way, I want to deal with that before I open those emotional floodgates.  My house is one big cluttered mess simply because I don't have enough storage.  I want to get loads of shelving put in and get around to all those little odd jobs that never get done so that, when it is really bad, at least my home will feel like a nice, safe place, instead of feeling like a junkyard, which it does at the moment (I am not the best housekeeper in the world!).  I've also been battling through mountains of paperwork because my mum has made numerous false allegations about my over the years.  I want to get all the inaccurate information corrected and finished, if you know what I mean, before I start dealing with anything else.  There's also a possibility that there may be a negligence case in relation to my son's disability, so I also want to get that underway before I do anything else.  I just feel like I want to sort out all the loose ends before I get into it with my T.  But I am also aware that all of these things are stalling tactics as well.  But I think I would cope with it all better if everything else was sorted out first.  Financially, my T doesn't do any kind of sliding scale, she's actually very reasonable as therapists go which is why she doesn't offer concessions or instalment plans.  I just feel I'd like to spend that money on making my house really comfy before I spend it on making myself uncomfortable, if you know what I mean? Thank you for your hug as well ((((((((())))))))))

Lighter, I think you are right about the vomiting.  I am going for a physical check up, just to be sure it's nothing else, but I feel it's emotional rather than physical.  It's kind of one of the reasons I want to get other things done before I deal with it head on.  I was in the bath last night and this huge wave of terror?fear?apprehension?  I don't know the best way to describe it? came over me.  I was terribly sick, shaking and crying and all that goes through my head is 'make it stop, make it stop, make it stop'.  I felt so numb and raw afterwards.  And that's the time when I feel like I want to cover myself in some really luxurious body lotion, snuggle into a big fluffy dressing gown and curl up on the sofa and write in my journal.  But I can't do those things because I don't have any nice lotion because I'm so broke, my sofa is sagging and really uncomfortable and, if I had a journal (which I don't at the minute) I wouldn't be able to find it because the house is such a tip!  And I think that's why I want to get things 'in place' before I open this big can of worms up.  I just want to feel like I can deal with it better because the rest of my life is easier.  I feel like I want to make a nest for myself where I can really look after myself well.  At the minute I feel like I'm perching on the end of the branch and it's not comfortable!  Thank you for the hug ((((((((()))))))))

Sorry, it's a bit of a long and lengthy reply!  Thanks for reading xx

[Hopalong]

((((((((Tupp)))))))))

I'm sorry.

I'm going to fantasize a little with my imaginary (and likely very inaccurate) view into your life, just wondering if any of these ideas might help. Forgive the inaccuracies as we each have intimate and personal spaces, rituals, and challenges. But you can befriend any of these thoughts that feel helpful and just toss the rest, okay?

I wonder if it's very hard to "let go" of possessions and extra stuff or if you find yourself saying "it might be worth something some day" or "somebody might have a use for it some day". I don't think you're talking about hoarding but I read a compassionate article about the whole clutter-spectrum recently. (I know it well!) Poverty and community instability often trigger feelings in "the cluttered" that make it hard for them to see what a great cost there is to KEEPING excess things. Just owning too much. Regardless of what the items are. It's an eternal psychological drain on one's spiritual battery. Under the surface, just tugging you under.

What if you made your goal not a new shed to store things, but putting a shed's equivalent out for donation or discard? I bet once you got going, you might start feeling seriously liberated. A surprised and happy feeling might await you. (It's what I hear, over and over, and read, and it's almost always the same--people imagine, in terrible detail, the great anxiety and regret they'd feel over letting something go, releasing it. And then when they actually DO it, they feel healing and liberation and joy--quite the opposite!) It's the Zen way of dealing with mess, as opposed to the "more" or "control by organizing it all" ways. When you feel you have less security in your situation, that might even be a time to go in a counter-intuitive direction to ensure you likewise have less stuff than "secure" folks.

A spacious, near-empty living room is much easier to paint in serene colors you love with very inexpensive paint (people turn extra cans of custom tints in that most places sell for nearly nothing) ... a few huge cushions on a floor and against a wall, a nice thrift store or streetside "find" armchair, a great painting or two (you can "commission" children to do amazing things on the backs of big posters--my D's age-3 abstract is above the mantel--and my exH, an artist, raved when he first saw it because he thought it was a well-known artist--ha!) on the wall, a couple candles here and there.

"Stuff" actually is expensive--usually more expensive to keep than people see. There's the storage cost, but more importantly, the time and energy (physical and emotional) cost of cleaning and --the biggest real thing that is "uncounted" of being concerned about it.

And about YOU, who are much more important than any "stuff" -- I just have this thought. In my church community, there is a volunteer function called Pastoral Visitors (doesn't matter if you meet them somewhere else or whatever). These listening-oriented people go through special training to learn how to be compassionate friends, and just be present, with others' pain. And in complete confidence. They're not a replacement for psychologists or therapists (and will be comfortable asking if you have that support), but they're a wonderful adjunct. I've talked to one of them when I was in a dark place and would not hesitate to again.

You do know you are a valuable member of the human community, and you do deserve a warm positive group of friends and PHamily, right? You do know you deserve to have that in addition to therapy, right? You do know you don't have to share your troubles only exclusively with a therapist, right? You do know you're entitled and welcome and deserve a community of your own, no matter how hard your path has been?

love to you, a big hug, and a day's worth of boxing and sorting for releasing you, if I could give it.

Hops

[lighter]

I understand the need to organize space and put things in order, Tupp.

I also understand how difficult is it to do, esp when we're facing things with emotional triggers and baggage attached.

So so hard to go through the piles of our lives without becoming overwhelmed, sidetracked or focused on details, leaving the larger job untouched.

I do it.  I've done it.  I know it's almost impossible to tackle it without the help of very organized friends who have no attachments to my stuff.

So, if you're waiting till your space is in order...... you might find you're waiting for years.

Maybe if you can just take an area..... like the one around your desk, bathroom or livingroom where you'd journal if you were to journal, and make it sacred with attention and mindfulness?

Organize, dust, declutter and freshen up with sunshine.

One good feeling leads to another...... it's always true for me, though getting started can be like pulling teeth.

I'm in need of a good kickstart rigth now, after holidays and guests.

Is there someone you know who's good at organizing and keeping on track?  Who can pull things out of your arms and put them in the out bin?  Keep you moving through the process?  I'm good at it for other people, but not myself.

Maybe you can find a nice notebook on sale, garage sale or second hand store...... thrift shop, that kick starts your jounaling for 2011?

I used to journal on the children's art paper...... whatever was around. 

The thoughts have to come out, Tupp. 

OK!  I'm going to take my own advice and start vacuuming! (Which isn't my favorite thing to do, but I'll feel so much better when it's through; )

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

OOOOOO. Now I'm really worried about you!

It's been my experience (and of course might not apply to you) that we have zippo-nada-no control over when those old emotional issues come up and demand to be dealt with. When it's time - it's time. That part of a person doesn't give a rat's about what else is going on in one's life. Maybe it's because after so many other times of being postponed, pushed back, forgotten through distractions or other things on the "to-do" list the impatience to be "heard" by the rest of our own being, grows in intensity and desperation.

I hear you about your "to-do" list, though. And I agree with your rationale, too. It makes plain good sense. I do completely relate to the technique of avoiding some emotional processing (like more levels of grief over my MIL; I'm stuck with clearing out her personal items) with a list of "worthy" and even "necessary" other things to do. But the problem is... that strategy only works so long; the "immunity" it provides you starts to wear off, becomes less successful or effective. Until, at some point, it begins to affect you bodily, physically.

At that point - time is up. Once you begin to have physical effects from the emotional "indigestion", it can't be postponed anymore. Now the emotional issue is becoming a medical issue - that can't be treated medically. Whatever it is - has to come out. Maybe not all once; maybe not like ripping off a bandaid all at once - hair and all. Maybe very gently, very gradually... maybe even don't approach it head-on... maybe an indirect approach will be easier on you.

No matter what else is going on or needs to be addressed, I've found I absolutely have to take the time to at least begin devoting X amount of time to dealing with the emotional issue. In managable chunks, so that I can still cross some things off that to-do list, too. And I also need to be doing some mind-body work for it's soothing and calming benefits. 2 minutes, 3 times a day to just "sit" with the feelings... 5 minutes of stretching... a 10-15 min tea break... getting up 30 minutes earlier to journal for 30 minutes - so that the rest of my day, I'm not "interrupted" by that emotional issue (whatever feels "right" and works for you personally)... and I am ABLE to cross things off the to-do list. If I don't do this... eventually I'm not even able to look at the list; I don't care what was on it; I'm just flat out miserable.

Maybe just commit to one appt with your T? To tell her what's coming up for you and to suggest ways to ease into it, so that you don't become so overwhelmed you can't function. That way it's not such a financial burden either. And maybe by acknowledging that you know you have to begin addressing this topic - and working through it slowly, in increments, over a longer time frame - maybe some of the intensity will begin to lessen along with the physical symptoms. (that's a huge maybe - at some point the "uglies" still do get faced and it's not pretty or easy)

With the most painful topics, it takes more time (I used to dance around a specific memory for a month or more)... so it's sort of natural to work out a "system" with your T, where you work on your own - homework - and then de-brief with the T, less often. Plus - you have us! We'll help encourage you, comfort you, so it's not like you'll be totally alone with your homework - consider us tutors, maybe!  LOL!!

[CB123]

Hi Tupp,

Your post struck me because I have been reading a book called "Its All Too Much" by Peter Walsh.  Its a "get rid of the stuff" sort of book, but it talks about how we get to where we are with so much.  He talks about the people he has helped that were overwhelmed by their clutter and what was behind it.

I really liked the book and it helped me get through some snags I have hit as I have down sized from a very large house to a small apartment.  The loss of "things" has triggered a lot of grief in both my kids and myself...but I was drawn in by his discussion of what I want my life to look like and whether or not my "stuff" was getting in the way of that picture or was actively helping me get there.

Maybe its my age, but I am tired of dragging around stuff and people who are going to slow down my last years of accomplishment.  Maybe the book will help you too.

CB

[Hopalong]

Now the emotional issue is becoming a medical issue

Tupp, what PR wrote hit me strongly...so I just wanted to repeat it.
It cuts to the most important thing, which is you not letting yourself be further sickened.

Whatever helps you, will help you. I have great faith in your capacity to make choices that will help you.

I think of VESMB mates not as "tutors" but as equals and peers. (No disrespect at all, PR, I think that word just tweaks me a bit -- I know how positively you mean it!).

None here are more "advanced" or "the teacher". (Though in my pompous fashion I'm sure I sound like one a LOT -- so maybe I'm writing this to remind myself.) We're all co-teachers. We're all people at different stages of healing and learning and we all can offer help, advice, and stories or offer the gift of our vulnerability. It's a complex weave of support...for me sometimes it's seeing someone make breakthroughs or process things in a way I yearn to make or do myself, seeing people start on one kind of thing or not another, seeing people way down a particular track offer me signs of their passage as something to follow, seeing a unique perspective on something that never occurred to me, or just seeing people right next to me extend a hand in friendship and support for my own path. It's equalizing and humbling.

Where one is most wise and kind, is where one's most strong. But where one is weak and broken is where one's most ready. I am as helped by the trust people offer here in vulnerable times, as I am by the advice.

Only you can suss out which path, method, or advice is useful and the great thing is that it's your choice to take what works or what matches where you are in difficulty or in your healing, and leave the rest.

VESMB is a fountain. I love that it just keeps pouring. What splashes aside for me, another may need. What I need, there's plenty of.

And I'm rambling again.

xxoo
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

... and yes, Hops has clarified what I meant with my own last rambling bit! Thanks, Hops.

[Twoapenny]

You guys are amazing.  I am back on the straight and narrow

I have started to de-clutter my home.  I have so much stuff.  I didn't even know I had some of it.  So far I've filled two bins with rubbish, have done one run to the charity/recycling centre and have another car load ready to go tomorrow.  My little boy has been helping sort through his toys to give some away to charity.  There are some things I really can't decide about, so I've put those in a box to leave until the end.  There's still a lot to do.  I feel good for having started on it, though.

I have been accused of being a bad mum so many times that I feel I have to display everything I ever do with my son.  It's like the house has to be some sort of living testimony to my parenting, so that anyone walking in can see I love him, I look after him well, that I care about him.  There was no sign of children in our home.  We were allowed posters in our rooms, but if you'd taken those down you wouldn't have known we lived there.  I have gone too far the other way.  Our house looks like it's inhabited by an eight year old, with a grown up that just sleeps there.  There's very little of me in our house.  So I have taken down the drawings and the paintings and the sticker pictures and all the other stuff.  I've got some of his best bits in frames, so I will fix those on the wall once I've rearranged the furniture and stuff and avoid cluttering the walls with more stuff that he makes.  I've grouped together some lovely things friends have given me and arranged them so they're the first thing I see when I walk in the front door.  They look really nice.

Hops, you said:  And about YOU, who are much more important than any "stuff" -- I just have this thought. In my church community, there is a volunteer function called Pastoral Visitors (doesn't matter if you meet them somewhere else or whatever). These listening-oriented people go through special training to learn how to be compassionate friends, and just be present, with others' pain. And in complete confidence. They're not a replacement for psychologists or therapists (and will be comfortable asking if you have that support), but they're a wonderful adjunct. I've talked to one of them when I was in a dark place and would not hesitate to again.

You do know you are a valuable member of the human community, and you do deserve a warm positive group of friends and PHamily, right? You do know you deserve to have that in addition to therapy, right? You do know you don't have to share your troubles only exclusively with a therapist, right? You do know you're entitled and welcome and deserve a community of your own, no matter how hard your path has been?

I am not more important than stuff.  I realised that when I read your post.  My mum let him do what he liked to me because he bought her stuff.  She sold me.  She cared more about what she wore, what she drove and how her house looked than she did about her kids.  I need to work on that.  I need to feel that I am more important than anything else.  I don't have a group of positive friends.  All of my friends know about the problems I have, the therapy, the abuse, the flashbacks, my little boy's disability and so on.   I have two that call me.  No-one else calls unless I call them.  The two that call don't want to listen.  They tell me to think positive and not to go to counselling because it upsets me.  I need to work on more intimate relationships, ones where I can really be myself and feel accepted.  I don't have those yet.  But I want them.  Thank you xxxxx

Lighter, I bought some nice paper and a folder to keep it in so I can start journalling.  I've put a pen in the folder so I have no excuse for not being able to find things.  It's in a drawer in the kitchen that was full of bits of string and cables that attach to who knows what.  I chucked it all in the bin so I have a space.  Thank you xxx

Phoenix, I am going back to counselling.  I may go fortnightly for a while, just so it doesn't feel like too much in one go.  I am so scared.  But I want to get better.  So I have an appointment booked, and I am seeing the homeopath next week as well.  Each time I see him I am a little bit closer to getting there.  It's difficult because he says he needs to treat the terrified twelve year old, not the 'good at putting a cover on it all' adult.  But because the flashbacks are getting more vivid and more physical and I don't seem to be disassociating like I used to I am finding it easier to describe how that twelve year old feels.  So hopefully he can give me something to help with the fear.  Thank you xxx

CB, I will check out that book.  I am amazed at how much stuff I have, and especially at how much has been given to me by other people.  I feel guilty getting rid of things people bought for me.  Funnily enough, a lot of the stuff I don't want has been given to me by my sister.  I had a suitcase in the cupboard under the stairs, which I needed to put in the loft.  When I opened the hatch, I couldn't get my case in there because the loft is full of my sister's stuff.  I guess it runs in the family   Thank you xx

Hops.  You never sound pompous xx

Thank you all so much.  You have given me hope.  When I'm sitting in my spacious living room sipping my drink in a couple of weeks time I will think of you all.  Thank you xxx

[Hopalong]

I am AWED.

Holy moly!

(And I'd better start practicing what I preach...)

What strikes me as so wonderful about this, Tupp, is that this thread started with you feeling a desperate need for someone to take care of you...

And look who that turned out to be?

She Whose Serenity Is More Important Than Stuff

xxoo
Hops

[lighter]

Wowser....

you've been busy, Tupp: )

I'll have you know this thread's been a big help in motivating me to tackle some things I've been avoiding too.

About dealing with the pain of your 12yo Tupp.....

I don't know if taking anything to help with that fear will help, or hinder.

It may be that you walk into that fire, and discover it doesn't kill you to feel it, in all it's intensity.

It may be that a little ativan, just a corner, takes the edge off enough that you bend, and don't break.

I don't know, but I'm inspired by you, and looking forward to reading your next chapter: )

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

Thank you so much.  You have all helped me so much with this.

I am horrified at how much crap I have in my house.  I am ploughing through it, and loading up the car as I go.  There is virtually nothing in here that I have purposely set out to buy.  Most stuff has been brought on impulse in charity shops and at car boot sales, whilst a lot has been given to me by other people.  My son had 48 CD Roms for his computer.  There are only two that we specifically set out to buy, that he really wanted.  I have put the rest in the bag for charity.  No wonder I always feel skint.  Because I buy things cheap I feel like I'm not spending much.  But there must be hundreds of pounds worth of stuff here that I have bought on impulse because it was only a couple of pounds.

Nothing in my life is about me.  The stuff in my house isn't me, the thoughts in my head are other people's, my feelings are caused by things other people do or say.  Where the hell am I?  No wonder I feel so lonely.  I have no idea who I am or where I am.  This is probably why I can't connect to my friends - there's a great big chunk of me missing.  I need to work on this!!

Thank you so much xxxxxxxxxx