Daughter-in-law shows narcississt traits

[crying]

I have been trying to find an answer for the problems we are having with our dauther-in-law.  I found endless articles on Narcissist. It sure looks as though this is the problem!  Help! How does a mother-in-law deal with the situation? Our son is trying to work on the marriage for the sake of their young daughter. One minute he understands just how she is and the next he is trying to excuse her behavior, etc.  Last week she called me at 2:00 a.m. - drunk - told me that I was causing them to get a divorce and called me a b....!  My son came into the room, heard her and told me to just hang up, which I did.  Now she is calling, refusing to appologize and wanting me to meet with her and "discuss" our issues. She told my son she wants the opportunity to "put me in my place."  I am trying so hard to remain neutral and stay out of their lives, except I would like to see my son and granddaughter. She won't let us.  Every time I have called and asked if we could see them, she has an excuse. I told her that I would talk to her with both my son and my husband present. I am tired of her lying about what was said. They should both hear what is actually said.  Please offer some advice.

[rosencrantz]

I've never had to deal with a mother in law as mine died before I met my husband.  It certainly saved a lot of complications!!

But I'm old enough to be one and from that perspective, I believe a mother in law can best deal with these things by not pressing for results!

As far as the discussion is concerned, I think if you have four people in the discussion it will be far more complicated and result in lots of defensiveness and arguing.  Have you thought about having the discussion in the presence of a counsellor or a professional mediator?

And I wonder why your son told you about her wanting to 'put you in your place'?  Is that helping?  Either he's telling you the same thing by using her words, or he's stirring it!!

I think couples need a long time to sort their own coupledom out, and even longer to sort themselves out once they have children.  Trying to sort out relationships with in-laws at the same time is a recipe for disaster.

I also wonder why you see yourself in the position of asking your daughter-in-law's permission to see your son and grandchild.  How can she stop you seeing them?   I suppose if you are pressing to see them on her territory it might make it into a power struggle - but if she doesn't want to see you, it doesn't stop your son choosing to visit you once a month with or without his child.

It sounds to me as tho your son has divided loyalties.  Much as it is hard to do, I think you must encourage your son to place his loyalties with his wife and give them time to work through their own relationship.

In the meantime, just 'let it go', leave them to get on with their own lives and create a life for yourself which is fulfilling without having a son at the centre of it.  That's the toughest nut for us mums to crack once our sons  leave the nest.

And then everyone will be able to come back together with much less baggage and with fewer emotional ties tangling everyone up in knots.

Life is short - but it's also long.  What is a year or two of patience when there will be greater rewards in the longer term.  Everything has its own time - and I'm sure yours will come if you can be brave enough to 'let go'.

Good luck!
R

[Living Consciously]

You wrote:

Last week she called me at 2:00 a.m. - drunk - told me that I was causing them to get a divorce and called me a b....! My son came into the room, heard her and told me to just hang up, which I did.

I'm confused, why was your son at your house at 2:00am?  Or was he at his own house and over hear his wife calling you then picked up an extension and told you to hang up.  Why did he tell you to hang up instead of telling his wife to stop yelling at his mother?  

It sounds like you may have a problem with your son, not your daughter in law.  It's tempting for an adult child to confide in their parents about difficulties within their marriage but that can be really toxic.  Parents will of course be supportive of their child and critical of the in-law.  Once you know any ugly details about your in-law it is hard not to let it affect your feelings toward her.  The best way to stay out of the problem is to refuse to listen to your son's compaints about his wife.  Encourage him to seek counseling or talk to his minister if he needs guidence.  Talking to you about his problems will make your son feel better but you feel worse because you are powerless to change the situation and you are burdened with info that taints your view of your daughter in law.

[seeker]

Hello Crying,

This is Seeker and I just had to write to you.  My family has just gone through the exact same situation.  Exactly.  
You wrote:

One minute he understands just how she is and the next he is trying to excuse her behavior, etc.

Rosencranz was right on the mark in saying that your son has divided loyalties.  What's very difficult for him is that in seeking support, of course he will come to his family (of origin).  And of course it would be very hard for the "other side" in this case, your DIL, to believe that you could be neutral.  Unfortunately, if you advise your son to seek counseling (a wise suggestion), any cooperation from your DIL would be seen as a "defeat" by her.  I am guessing that she has a big problem with trust, but know that this does not make YOU untrustworthy.  So you don't have to prove yourself trustworthy to a person unable to trust.

I told her that I would talk to her with both my son and my husband present. I am tired of her lying about what was said. They should both hear what is actually said.

I do think it is wise to have witnesses when dealing with this kind of personality.  If you do decide to go ahead with a "discussion", you might want to ask your husband and son just to listen.  I agree that a discussion of this type can go downhill pretty quickly.  If you decide that you need to at least attempt this communication you might want to read "Difficult Conversations" AND "Stop Walking on Eggshells" to prep.  (They make good reading in any case...)  This will help you know how to respond without escalating things and hopefully help with any defensiveness that her provocative comments are sure to stir in you.  These books will also help you set your own expectations.  Know that you cannot change her.  Perhaps you can understand her if you want to help yourself feel more comfortable and knowledgeable about what is happening.

In my NSIL's defense (god, am I really saying this?): the hard lesson my dad had to learn was that even though he can be counsellor to others, he had to be dad in this one and know that he wasn't running the show, even though he was invited to be by my brother.  He needed to learn that he was inherently DISQUALIFIED from solving their marital difficulties.

Consider that the best course of action might be no action.  Because the fewer things your DIL can scapegoat you for, the sooner they'll realize they need to look at each other instead of you.  And that doesn't mean you don't care.  Perhaps tell your son that you trust him, love him, and are praying that he and his wife work it out and that you'll be there when they are ready.  I know it's hard for mothers to detach.  That's really a challenge.  God has a plan for them and sometimes it's not what WE want or the way we think it should be.  But it is what it is.  

And ask yourself if you need all this drama.  Ask yourself what button of yours is being pushed.  Is it hitting on your definition of Good Mother? A need to be needed?  Of wanting to be of help and a positive change?  Don't get me wrong, these are all worthy banners to be displayed.  But what I'm learning is to curb my own knee-jerk responses to these weird situations.  A new response might be needed here.

An eyeopener for my parents was to realize they weren't The Family anymore.  My brother (and I) have our own families, of which they are included of course.  But we are not children anymore, we are adults making our own choices.  

Interestingly enough, as we all backed away from my brother's difficulties, we became much calmer.  The world didn't end!   We also realized that he is doing just fine without our intervention.  He is an adult and needs to take responsibility for himself and his decisions, and we need to trust him to find solutions.  I believe he is seeing a professional for support.  Of course, I would also imagine that this is more/different grist for the mill for my NSIL, but that's the point: same game, different players.  Do you need it?  For myself, I am glad to be off the merry-go-round and focus on my own life and goals, and caring for my own recovery from this experience.

I hope this is helpful.  Take what you can use...and good luck to you and your family, S.