mixed emotions

[forwardbound]

I am away from N for a little more than 4 mos. now and it's been up and down. I have bad days, but I have a lot of good too.

I was just looking for some good thoughts because at times, I still have the thoughts of him changing and realizing what he's let go. The sensible side, and the side that's done all the research knows that it's not possible, but its doesn't stop the hurt from seeping in and taking over at times and questioning the whole thing.

I know how it works and I know the consequences if he were to return, and I'm not really looking for that--I guess I just wanted to get off my chest that I feel bad today--just sort of say it out loud....or write it as this case is.  I hate the fact that sometimes it does get to me--because I know that after all the poor treatment, I should want him as far away as possible, yet sometimes, the visions of the "fantasy man" take over and I actually miss him.

Well. thanks for listenging....just venting really!

[longtire]

forwardbound,
I'm sorry you are having a down day.  I hope the good days are increasing while the down days are decreasing.  One thing I have seen mentioned is to write down all the bad things that your ex would do in as much detail as you can.  Then, the next time you start to waver you can pull out the list or journal and "remind" yourself what daily life was really like.  I sort of use my continuing "blog" thread here to do the same thing.  The good part about that is I can also go back and look at the progress I'm making as well.

((((((((forwardbound))))))))

[astrofemme]

forwardbound,
One thing I have seen mentioned is to write down all the bad things that your ex would do in as much detail as you can.  Then, the next time you start to waver you can pull out the list or journal and "remind" yourself what daily life was really like.
quote]

Oh gosh, I did this Longtire and I would highly recommend it to you Forwardbound.  I immediately wrote down everything that had upset me and when I would have very bad times, I got the writing out and reread through it all.  It helped a lot.  Sometimes I imagine the N coming back and when I really think about it, I think YUCK!  I have to say I truly do not miss the N but I am grieving my lifestyle and the fear of the unknown future ahead can be depressing at times as well.

You do have good days and bad days.  And the thing I learned is you can have a long stretch of good days and then suddenly slide back into some bad days.  I'm not sure how long this will take to really feel good again but you gotta keep believing that there are many good days ahead.

This is my one-year divorce anniversary after almost 30 years.  Sometimes, I'm still in shock that I'm in this predicament.  I guess it's all going to take some time, Forwardbound.  

Give that writing a try--every darned thing you can think of--more will come flooding back.  Soon you'll be saying to yourself, "Oh yeah and then there was....." and you'll be writing fast and furious.  And when you're finished, you'll think "What was I thinking!?"  Lots of good wishes for you.

[Wiish]

These last three posts have really hit home with me.  Tossed away like an old kleenex after 20 years and feeling betrayed and scared of a future that is nothing like I had ever envisioned.  I am scared and I am tired of being scared.  I also imagine what it would be like to have my husband come back and have to realize that the man I want back really doesn't exist anymore and that there could never be trust again on so many levels.  I am hurt at how disposeable I was to him and at how unwilling he is to look at the damage he has done to all of our lives...especially my kids who are very hurt and angry.  I am a walking zombie, some days strong and other days sobbing uncontrollably...for what?  For a liar and a cheater and a drunk....nope..for the person I believed him to be for the last however many years.  I feel like I have been cast out into the world and am overwhelmed by loneliness. What I would love more than anything would be to have someone hold me and let me cry and cry until this is out of my system...but who has that much time...  I am just so alone and so weary of it all. Wiish

[astrofemme]

Boy oh boy, you do sound like how I feel.  The stuff about the kleenex is almost verbatim what I wrote in some of my journaling.  I felt like I was wadded up like so much trash and tossed in the gutter without even a thought.  It was so easy for him--just like discarding a little trash.  "Tired of being scared" yes, yes, yes!  It must be especially scary for you with kids but yet you know you have to go on for them and they do give you something to look forward to and companionship.  

And all those years--all the best years of your youth.  And this is not at all where you had planned to be now.  All that time just a waste?  Another good thing about the kids.  It's not a complete waste for you.  However, I know you feel miserable and hurt for them.

The lonliness is bad and knowing there's no soft place to fall, no one to rely on when you are down, no one to help with what needs to be done and just wishing you could be held.  Yes, yes, yes.  It makes you feel like there is poison running through your veins at times or like you've been breathing toxic fumes.  I think I was a zombie during the last months he was home.  I graduated to fumes after that.

But imagine him really being back and you couldn't do that either.  Then you feel like you're in a Catch 22.  And then your sick of that duo-feeling thing.

Weary is the word.

No, no, you are not completely alone out there.  Here is a big hug of understanding for you.     (((((((((((((((((Wiish))))))))))))))))))

[Brigid]

Forwardbound, Wiish,

It has been 20 months for me and I still feel so lonely and want that big shoulder to cry on.  We talked about lonliness in my support group last night and it is pretty universal, especially for the person who was left behind.

I've done the journaling, I've knitted, I've read, joined groups, whatever.  But that feeling of being alone and scared that that will never change is pervasive and hasn't yet gone away (maybe diminished a little).  Realizing how expendable you are and how easily they were able to turn and walk away to move on with their lives is devastating at best.

Wanting them back is out of the question.  We know what they are, how they've hurt us and that they are incapable of ever really loving us.  Work through the pain and hurt and lonliness and keep the faith that it will get better.  Now if I could just make myself believe it   .

((((((forwardbound)))))))    (((((((((wiish))))))))

Brigid

[JoJo]

Forwardbound,
I just wanted to tell you, I know exactly how you feel. You have made the break though, that's the hardest part. Like our other friends said, all you have to do is remember all the hurtful moments, the ruined vacations, the harsh words, the threats, the defensiveness, blame, etc.  We grieve for the person who swept us off our feet, but he died a long time ago.

Stay strong, don't torment yourself. You are doing the right thing.

I hope to be as strong as you. It is a process and I'm getting there. It is just so sad because it not only involves the couple, but the extended family we come to love also.

Take care,
JoJo

[Mati]

Forwardbound

Stay strong! I have been left 15 months after being tossed aside. He ended the 22 year marriage but wanted us to continue to live together. I walked. I find that my longings to be back with him occur when I am exhausted and to do with the dependance I had developed on him due to isolation. When I think logically or previously when he decided a few months ago that he had 'made a mistake', I ask myself why I would want to go back to lies, betrayal, drinking, lack of emotional support when I need it, and covert abuse, blah blah blah. But that does not stop the longing in me that it could work and we could be together. It is an addiction I have decided and must be treat as such. Reading 'Why Does He do That, Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men' by Lundy Bancroft has been a big step forward for me.

Mati

[foprwardbound]

mati wrote...

It is an addiction I have decided and must be treat as such

I totally agree with that--while it may not be a chemical addiction, it acts much the same. When there is even little contact, it sends you straight up, but then the good feelings diminish within a day or two and then it is a  downward spiral and all the hurtful feelings return. It hurts not to hear from him, but I think hearing from him may hurt more. I try to remind myself of that.

Thank you for all the replies, it truly is such a wonderful feeling to share with people who have been there and have experienced or are experiencing the same emotions and thoughts.

Thanks everyone here!!! ((((everyone))))

forwardbound