Thanks, you guys, for the reinforcement. He is good enough at this N crap that I wonder sometimes if I am being the ridiculous one.
I know it sounds like I am a complete idiot for putting something like that in a place he might find. But I truly think I have found an ideal place, then he seems to have radar or something. I swear. It has happened twice in 5 years now. And I have only attempted to write those two times.
I write things out and then try to transfer them to emails which I email to myself on private email accounts. (Which he can't stand and has demanded to see, but I won't even discuss it). He seems to think I am cheating on him, but won't come out and say it. Although I have considered telling him I am, hoping it would be the final thing to make him go and stop tormenting me. But that is seems most cowardly and is not in my nature anyway.
Last time I destroyed everything I wrote without reading it. He made me feel so bad about it I coudn't bear to read how bad I must have hurt him. This time, a few days ago, I read what I wrote and actually felt better, because I was validated by my SELF. By what I wrote. And I am not going to destroy it. I also got a tape recorder and had about 30 minutes of venting on tape with the journal and he listened to that. I won't erase that either. I am glad he heard it. It was good for me to hear again.
He never apologizes for anything I write or say that he does to me or how he makes me feel. I am just wrong for feeling ANY way about how he treats me. Last time he found it, I apologized profusely and accepted all the blame and mental punishment. This time, I spoke to him very rationallyand calmly (although I was terrified inside) and told him I realized he was probably very hurt, but it was not like I wrote him a letter and left it on his pillow. He snooped into my business and then made ME wrong for it. I refused to fight with him.
Him finding this is almost like he was looking for something because i was acting too well. Too detatched, but attentive. Making small stands here and there, but at some kind of peace. Holding my ground. It was like he was looking for something to create drama around and bring me down again. Right where he wants me. I didn't fall for it. I don't think he knows what to do. He just wants me to get medication. Cause I finally actually need something from him he doesn't want to provide.
He seems to think I need to show my T what I have been doing, with the writing and tape, so the T can see what an idiot basketcase I am. I tell him the therapist has already heard it. He likes to try to get me to tell what I go over with my T, but I won't discuss it really. Change the subject mostly.
I swear it is like being in a boxing match. All this ducking and dancing around I have to do. It is tiring. And I feel like a jerk. But now I see him pretty clearly, and I can't go back. I told him I would take the meds. But I am afraid they will make me too docile again. Although they could help me to cope until............I dunno. Bit of a situation there.
Bean: You mean the status of my relationship with him? I am surviving for now until I can get out. I have many (6) children to consider. All at very delicate ages. (what age isn't). I have nowhere to go since I have that lovely situation that seems to be par for the course in a relationship like this.....I am cut off from anyone who isn't an N by shame and embarrassment and all of my time and energy comsumed by him. And cut off from those who ARE N's (family members and those in denial) by my own choice. I stood up to them first and it is making him nervous. He just keeps kicking me around mentally and emotionally for standing up to them. Making me wrong.
For now, I choose my battles and wait for a better day.
Not too distant, I think.
Take Care
Surrounded
