Please Help - Feeling Alone

[ladybuggk]

Hello.... I really really could use some help and some support.  I have many friends and am such a good listener.... one would think that I could call one one of them right now but for some reason I just can't.  Maybe I feel that no one would understand.  Maybe I feel that I'm not worth the time it would take them to listen to my story.  Maybe I'm just scared to "tell" about my mother to people who know her. 

I just found out on Wednesday in counseling that I am the child of a parent with narcissistic tendencies.  I entered counseling because I don't feel I get enough attention from my husband and I realize now that this is due to the fact that my needs probably weren't met as a child.  I was my mother's caretaker.  And I"m just now learning about what this all means.  I'm reading Children of the Self Absorbed.  But I feel so alone....and so sad.  I feel like my life has been a lie.  I'm 33 years old and up until now I have looked upon my childhood as practically perfect.  Everyone thought it was.  I acted like it was.  I don't remember being told very many times that my parents loved me.  I don't remember ever being told I was pretty.  I remember feeling very meek and scared most of my life.  Looking back, I don't think my mom ever really did things to connect with me.  yet I don't feel that she has Narcisssistic Personality Disorder.  Just the tendencies.  And I know that hse lives me and that she did her best.  I don't know how to act toward her.  I just feel like I'm in limbo right now.  I feel a dull heaviness weighing down on me.  I can't find any books about narcissistic tendencies in parents.   I don't have anyone to talk to.  I feel sad and weighed down.  I am mourning a relationship that I never really had.  I feel strange around my daughters.  I don't know what I have done to screw them up and I am just praying that I can learn how not to.  I feel like I am trapped in some kind of a hole.  I don't even think I am making sense right now!  All I know is that I need somebody.  I'm scared and I want to get better.  I want to learn.  Yet I want to be able to function right now and I'm only doing it halfheartedly.

[pennyplant]

Hi ladybuggk,

I'd like to say welcome to the board.  Hopefully you feel less alone just by reading and posting here.  As for the other emotions you're having--I think that is part of the journey.

There are many different personal situations and experiences of narcissism.  My own situation seems to me to be a parent and sister with N-tendencies, parent possibly with Asperger's, former employer probably full-blown N, etc.  But still, I have learned a lot of useful things here even without having full-blown Ns for parents.  Voicelessness seems to have a lot of causes and symptoms.  At least that is what I have taken away from this board so far.

I hope you will find this place supportive and helpful.  It does take time.  And you are worth the time.

Pennyplant

[Hopalong]

Welcome, Ladybuggk,
You are suffering shock of recognition of N-issues, anyway. And grief, for the falsities of your childhood. You know, I think everyone goes through that to some degree...even people whose families don't have such strong N tendencies.

It's a painful pile to sort through, but once you get started, the truths you keep uncovering go right into your skeleton and give you strength.

I've found this board gives me great strength, whether I'm struggling with something minor or big.

So glad you're here. You'll find alot of caring company and support while you untangle things and weave a happier new life for yourself.

One day at a time is the best you can do...reading and posting...maybe getting some good counseling. All these are important, all can help.

Most folks here will truly try to help as well.

Rest well, come see us tomorrow, we'll be here!

Hopalong

[moonlight52]

Welcome Ladybuggk, I understand how you are feeling now .Things will calm down.The learning process is so important.But right now
there is sort of a bump like "what just happened" then you just understand more and more.I to my surprise managed some real good parenting even without knowing my father was a N father.So I will say another Welcome and let you know you will find so much support here.
Moonlight

[Certain Hope]

Dear Ladybugg,

  Just wanted to say that you are not alone I'm just new here on this board, but already have seen that there are many here who will offer encouragement and a stable sounding board. These feelings which seem so overwhelming right now will simmer down and fall into place as you come to terms with all you're about to learn. The shattering of illusions was one of the most difficult parts of the whole realization for me that there were several in my life who were either pathological narcissists or have strong N inclinations. It takes awhile to recognize the many different ways these malignant personalities have impacted our lives, but I know it's possible to step apart from all that and get our feet onto solid ground, growing beyond all that. Forgiving those who have wounded us is one key step forward, in my opinion. Recognizing that we are much more than simply an amalgamation of how other people have treated us is another. Personally, I am in the process of learning to base my own identity on who Jesus Christ is, since I believe that He lives, in me, by the Holy Spirit. Knowing that not all here are followers of Him, I still must say that He has given me a new foundation for my life and by God's grace, I'm learning to take to heart the words of the Bible which tell me that I'm fearfully and wonderfully made, and that God my Father's many thoughts toward me are precious and tender.
Resting in His love,
Hope

[ANewSheriff]

Ladybuggk:

First of all, Ladybuggk, I want to tell you that you did a very courageous thing in going to therapy and in finding a place (here) in which you could voice these emotions.

(Here is a hug for you)

Recovery is a process.  It is like getting new skin.  When we are first stripped of the old, dead layers it is painful and we are vulnerable.  We feel very raw.   It sounds like you are there, now.  For a time, while you are wrapping your mind around all of this, stay out of places where you might get "burned".

It is okay for you to take a breather from relationships that you are questioning in order to gain some clarity.  It is sometimes hard for us to do this while we are dealing with the daily dysfunction. 

Remind yourself to breathe. 

Remind yourself that you are not alone.  We are here.  You will find support and wisdom here.  On occasion, there will be conflict, but that is okay, too.  Many of us have never had a chance to participate in conflict in a healthy way.  We are finding our voices after years of dysfunction.  Errors in thought and deed are inevitable.  But, we are here to support and learn from one another.

(Smile)  Have a seat, grab yourself a cup of coffee and stay for awhile...

ANewSheriff 

[seasons]

((Ladybuggk,))

I hope today is a new day for the beginning of healing and finding your voice and being helped along the way. I wish you the strength
to move on and try what seems in possible, but it isn't!

((seasons)) Please share more and welcome.........your are not alone anymore.

[Healing&Hopeful]

Welcome Ladybuggk

Please be rest assured you have the people here to talk to... you are not alone.

Take care

H&H xx