"Brother" Simon,
You did exactly what I always do. You braced yourself for a fight, and almost by auto-programming inadvertantly instigated it. This is what I am learning not to do anymore. We are so preprogrammed from their years of manipulation that we anticipate it before it happens. That is what you read into her "sincere" thank you. You reacted.
The hardest part of my learning process this last two months has been to acknowledge now that I have to take some responsiblity for what happens to me. I think you need to do that too. I confronted her (free ticket to the theatre thread), she acknowledged she was wrong, but has not changed one little bit. The only thing that is different is that she is respecting the boundaries I have set, albiet begrudgingly. But it has become painfully obvious to me that she still doesn't really "get it", even with a simple statement she made the other day when we were out, "maybe after the baby you won't be so hard on your mother" WHAT? How am I hard on her? Because I expect her to treat me and my husband and family with RESPECT???!!! It made it loud and clear to me that all that apologizing she had done a month ago was not sincere - it was out of fear of abandonment. To admit that to myself I think has been harder than the confrontation itself - because now I am faced with having to take responsiblity for it from this point forward.
I am positive that had you taken the thank you email at face value, this would not have happened - at least not at this point in time. Try to remove yourself from the fact that this is your mother. If you had sent the flowers to a coworker, or a friend - would you have responded to that same thank you message differently? My guess is you probably would have sent one back saying simply "your welcome" or not even acknowledge it all all, because it wouldn't have been necessary.
It is hard for us to admit, but your reaction spoke loud and clear - on some level you are still needing her approval. You were subconsciously digging for it. And Simon, may I be as bold to assume that possibly - you were using what we learned from our dear N mothers to manipulate a little, by saying "I thought you might throw them away".... Could you possibly have been trying to make her feel guilty for being angry at you for the other situation?? It is easy to recognize in you because I see myself in you. I might have done something like this in the past - a hidden "see, I really am a good boy because I sent you flowers, don't you feel bad now for abusing me?" The child within us, Simon. I haven't figured out how not to need the approval yet, but when I do... I will clue you in for sure!
I have been working furiously on this in therapy. My counselor says that really the only true way to break away emotionally is to spend less time with her. Distancing myself from my mother has been the hardest thing I've ever done. I have been so entwined, so needy for her approval for so long - it seems almost impossible to break away from this. But slowly I have reduced our time together. I have not been available every single Friday - in fact I have cancelled three visits since Christmas. May not seem like a lot to others, but it is HUGE for me, because we have been spending Fridays together for over 5 years.
Anyway sorry got off on a tangent there...
Just a few random thoughts.
