Tough times

[seastorm]

I have been going through a bottomless pit of grieving lately. I phoned exN three times and it started over a cat and getting the remortgage on the house. I felt like I was back at the beginning feeling shock, disbelief and so much pain.
I made myself get out of the house, I took the papers to my employer to get bank info.  I walked into a native healing centre and offered my services as a volunteer, I went to the training for Hospice. I found the women in the training to be friendly and the man at the Native Centre talked to me for half an hour. I got my muffler fixed. Toinight I am going out for dinner with a friend.  Taking action like this is helping a lot. They say that in Cognitive Therapy. Change the behaviour and the mood changes. I don't buy that hook,line and sinker but there is some validity to this.

Thank you for being there for me when I hit bottom again.  I am not flying like an eagle or anything but doing ok.

Love
Sea Storm

[Dazed1]

Hi Seastorm,

As we heal and recover, there will be good days, OK days and bad days.   Sounds like you handled the bad day pretty well: you went out, interacted with people, dinner with a friend: these are terrific ways of handling the bad days.

I have found that Mindfulness works well when I have a bad day.  With Mindfulness, you realize that all emotions are transient, you experience all your emotions, including painful ones, and then you notice the emotion sort of drift away and be replaced by another emotion.

Here's a description of Mindfulness:
...patients are not aware of avoiding their feelings, but the objective of therapy is to “help the person experience all emotions — especially negative ones — in the here and now.” Emotions are viewed as a normal and inevitable part of life. Avoidance of emotions leads to more avoidance, more symptoms, and a tendency to “wallow in pain instead of moving on to the next moment and the next feeling life brings.” http://thecamreport.com/?p=118

Have you considered doing grief counseling?  Grief counseling is not only for those whose loved ones have died, but can also be for people whose relationships have died.  When a loved one dies, the survivor must face the death of the dreams and future hopes they had with the dead person.  Same is true for people whose relationships have died:  The dreams, future hopes and expectations you had with your exN have died.  You need to mourn the grief of the loss of those dreams & future hopes you had of sharing the rest of your life with exN.

Love,
dazed

[seastorm]

Hi Dazed,

Thanks for your thoughtful reply. I am in counseling and woking through lots of things. Right now I am making connections with the abandonment by my mom. I think this is triggered by the rejection I feel from N even though he has acted like a bastard.
Grief is very difficult.

I think grief counselfing would be good though and I will try to find someone who specializes in that.

Love,

Sea storm

[Leah]

Hi Sea Storm,

Regarding the grieving process, we do need to grieve the loss of a relationship and the loss of the hopes and dreams that we had.

Someone gently explained this to me after I ended my lifelong marriage with N and was a tearful wreck for ages after.

She gave me the details of a bereavement counselor, and I was surprised, then when she explained to me that I had suffered exactly the same loss, it all made sense regarding my feelings, and rightly enough 'separation and loss' is a really big issue.

Added to which we have to deal with the issue of Nism !

Certainly is no quick fix job, and all we can do is be gentle with ourselves.

Leah x

[Leah]

Hi Dazed,

...patients are not aware of avoiding their feelings, but the objective of therapy is to “help the person experience all emotions — especially negative ones — in the here and now.” Emotions are viewed as a normal and inevitable part of life. Avoidance of emotions leads to more avoidance, more symptoms, and a tendency to “wallow in pain instead of moving on to the next moment and the next feeling life brings.”


That's always been my belief as it were, that we really do need to recognize both the Postive and the Negative

Positive thinking that shuts out, avoids, and denies, the Negative, is not healthy.

How can it be?  We need to have a balance and not be lop-sided.

Many thanks for posting that info Dazed, as I get 'hammered' for saying what I believe regarding a healthy balance.

Balance in life = Positive + Negative

according to little ole  Leah 

Acceptance = healthy

Avoidance = unhealthy


My feelings and thoughts are that to live a healthy Balanced life ... is to freely acknowledge and work with both sides of the scales in our life.

Leah

[Stormchild]

http://www.defensivepessimism.com/

Above is a link to "The Positive Power of Negative Thinking" by Dr. Julie Norem.

This is a terrific book.

I only wish the author had called the process 'protective pessimism' or 'positive pessimism' rather than 'defensive pessimism' because the word 'defensive' is so easy to misinterpret.

She means literal defending, literal protecting, not defense mechanisms and unhealthy avoidance.

In fact, 'defensive pessimism' for her is the exact opposite of 'unhealthy optimism' - which is very different from being realistically positive [and realistically negative, when it's called for.]

Honestly, this is a fantastic book!

[Leah]

Hi Storm, just looked the book website defensive  pessimism you have mentioned, and it explains .......

Defensive pessimism is a strategy used by anxious people to help them manage their anxiety so they can work productively. Defensive pessimists lower their expectations to help prepare themselves for the worst. Then, they mentally play through all the bad things that might happen. Though it sounds as if it might be depressing, defensive pessimism actually helps anxious people focus away from their emotions so that they can plan and act effectively.


Not quite what I was thinking of regarding my thoughts on   ' Postive & Negative ' acceptance, for a Balanced Healthy life, as per my previous posting here on this thread.

Leah

[Leah]

Dr Norem quotes the following ....

If you answered yes to any of these questions, you may be one of the millions of people who have learned to cope with the pressures of modern life by using Defensive Pessimism, a strategy of imagining the worst-case scenario of any situation. What if the train is running late, and you won’t make it to your job interview on time?


Contingency Plan springs to mind - safe to say, it would for most people - Common Sense and Planning, you would opt for the earlier train, so that you arrive in plenty of time feeling relaxed and refreshed.  Get that job!! 


Gosh, thinking about it, we could all write a book you know, seriously.

Leah

My book title would be:  Leah's Rainbow