The other half of mediation

[Gaining Strength]

Wow Pennyplant that is beautiful.  Your words to CB really touched my heart. - GS

[Hopalong]

Newwwwwww supply for the ex, CB, I'm wishing newwwwww supply for the ex.

I think it seems just about invevitable, more I think of him. Once all the sturm und drang of the divorce is settled I imagine he will be much less obnoxious. I hope my imagining will prove true!

(I think he will start ignoring you and neglecting the kids after a while, which might be a big relief. Of course, it will be all your fault when it happens.) I just loved your nonreactive responses you described in a earlier post, in one of your last confrontations ("Thank you for sharing with me..."  ). I would think one day you'll be twirling the phone by its cord in sheer boredom if he calls, rather than feeling one bit of fear.

I have no crystal ball, CB, except for one thing: character and courage will out, so I KNOW you have a great deal of fulfillment in your future! I'd bet my best socks, and more. And your communication with your kids is just amazing. I hope you know how not-routine that is.

I was thinking of your dear boy getting stuck with his girlfriend's N father, and I was going to suggest: what about if you just pasted the description you gave US about how he behaved? And how you realized those were red flags? I think that could have an impact on your son...show him that he too is capable of observation. The tough thing is that when they're so young, they find it harder to accept that they can't "rescue" people as much as they'd like.

He's learned to placate an N, his father. So as soon as he connects the dots between Dad and HER Dad, the better... Also, the sooner he comes to respect her ability, responsibility, and opportunities to help herself. She will survive her N father, just as he has. And she will have to deal with it in her way, in her time, just as you all have in your family. Meanwhile, maybe they comfort each other. Just that child-of-N recognition, even if they didn't realize that's part of what drew them together.

(I understand why you feel badly that he got into the thick of it. I would too. From outside, though, it seems to have a kind of poetic meaning. Might not be all bad for him?)

hugs and a peaceful, restful, nice-to-yourself weekend ahead, I hope, and if it's not, extra ears right here!

love,
Hops

[pennyplant]

Thank you GS.  I'm glad you found something good in my comments to CB.  Do you see yourself in there anywhere, too?  You should  .

Pennyplant

[Dazed1]

Darling CB,

(((((((((((HUGS))))))))))

How I admire and respect you!! And, how you inspire me!!!!  That is why people see you as a warrior, a victor.

You have been through so much these past weeks.  I imagine you must feel drained.  Please take care of yourself.

You said “I think I'm going to make it.”.  But, I KNOW you ARE, FOR SURE, going to make it.  No doubt in my mind.  In fact, you ARE making it NOW and you’re doing beautifully.  That’s the truth.

“My belief system and my enabling co-dependency made great partners.  It will take me a long time to unravel the two, and I honestly don't know what will be left standing.”

I can’t comment on your belief system, but I’d like to give you my 2 cents on the co-dependency part:  Overcoming co-dependency is a major part of my healing from the effects of Nism.  I have found that it has been kind of  “easy” to stop my co-dependent ways in the following sense:  I realize, in the past, when I was a full fledged co-dependent, I used to get little niggling feelings when I was being co-dependent.  When I would say something that was co-dependent or act in a co-dependent way, my inner voice would say to me “should you be saying/doing this?  Is this really what you want to do?” and I would get a feeling that what I was saying or doing didn't feel right.  Of course, being a co-dependent who was raised by Ns, I ignored my inner voice.

So, now, when I hear my inner voice ask me those questions or when I get that feeling, I ask myself “Am I being co-dependent?” and if the answer is “yes”, then I don’t say or do it.

The other thing about being co-dependent for me is that being co-dependent was NEVER ENJOYABLE.  For me, being co-dependent usually meant I felt pressured to say or do things which I DID NOT WANT to say or do.

So, for me there is a great joy in tossing away my co-dependency:  I no longer say or do things I DON’T WANT to say or do.  This makes me feel so much lighter and more free.  CB, I hope you get to experience this joy.

One more thing (hope I’m not being co-dependent): You mentioned that it’s your understanding that if the ExN does something to “trash” his property, then there’s nothing you can do.  That's not completely true.  Neighboring property owners cannot always do whatever the heck they want.  So, if you believe that the “Jerk” is doing something on his land which will devalue your property, please research your question on the internet and/or speak to your lawyer.  You may be able to do something about it depending on what it is.

Much love,
dazed

[Gaining Strength]

Gosh Pennyplant, I did not see myself in that.  But just the HOPE that you might is so humbling and hope inspiring.  Those are truly the kindest words that I have received.  Thank you.  Those words will surely change me.  - Gaining Strength

[Stormchild]

Hi GS

Dazed is right, he can't necessarily do things to lower the resale value of the property on purpose. You might be able to 'get' him under various laws if he tries, especially because he announced his intentions in front of both your mediator and his lawyer.

[gratitude28]

OH CB, You Gold DIgger...

I am so sorry for you to go through all that. Yes, you probably did need to get that all out. I hurt after reading it. I feel like I want to cry. I am so sorry for you.

Girl, you deserve to hurt and be pissed and punch walls or whatever you want to do. You have been a great mom, a caring wife and tried to make things work. You don't deserve this, but this is what you got.

Please share stories any time you want. I think the more you get the vitriole out, the better you will feel.

(((((((((((CB))))))))))))))))

Love, Beth