I copied Dr G's information from this site, here with FULL CREDIT given to HIM for his fine way of simplifying a very complicated dilemma, known as Narcissistic Personality. I also want to comment on some of what he posted as it puts some of our experiences in such an understandable format for all.
Voicelessness: Narcissism
by Richard Grossman, Ph.D.
Many people spend a lifetime aggressively trying to protect an injured or vulnerable "self." Traditionally, psychologists have termed such people "narcissists," but this is a misnomer. To the outside world it appears that these people love themselves. Yet, at their core they don't love themselves--in fact their self barely exists, and what part does exist is deemed worthless. All energy is devoted to inflating the self, like a persistent child trying to blow up a balloon with a hole.
>>>One sees this usually after some time. They start out looking like they are strong, invincible, answer-machines, secure in themselves and having no need of others...yet, when you get closer, you begin to hear their insecurities and jealousies toward other people, as they demote, devalue and criticize those who usually ARE what they want to be.
Because they need continuous proof of the significance of their voice, narcissists must find people, particularly important people, to hear and value them.
>>>yes. it's important for them to be seen as having "connections" in high places. Sometimes, even though the "higher-up" folks don't give this person the time of day, they still make is SEEM like they are best buds with the president of the organization, the leader of a group, rubbing elbows with the big wigs.
If they are not heard, their childhood wound opens, and they quickly begin to melt away like the Wicked Witch of the West. This terrifies them.
>>>Once they start feeling that you oppose them, they start freaking out and go into a sort of "meltdown" "deflation" "depression" which will quickly end up in you being devalued, punished and usually LOSING them from your life.
Narcissists use everyone around them to keep themselves inflated. Often they find flaws in others and criticize them fiercely, for this further distinguishes them from those who are defective.
>>>True.
Children are ready targets: narcissists consider children flawed and lacking, and therefore most in need of severe "teaching" and correction. This negative picture of children is a sad projection of how the narcissist truly feels about his or her inner self before the self-inflation began. But the narcissist never recognizes this: they consider their harsh, controlling parenting magnanimous and in the child's best interest.
>>>>>>>Yes, they can be very MEAN to their children, sometimes singling out one of them to be scapegoated. It's very sad indeed. They essentially turn the child into a version of who THEY are inside themselves. Sometimes their children end up having to be more the parent than the adult is.
Spouses receive similar treatment--they exist to admire the narcissist and to remain in the background as an adornment.
>>>>>They do tend to see many people, not just their spouses, as almost "jewlry" upon themselves...simply put on the planet to enhance their beauty.
Not surprisingly, narcissists cannot hear others: spouse, lover, or friends, and especially not children. They are interested in listening only to the extent that it allows them the opportunity to give advice or share a similar incident (either better or worse, depending upon which has more impact).
>>>>>>>They might fake listening and later even TELL you that they really didn't hear a word you said cause after all you know how you tend to "go on and on and nobody really has time for all that!"
Many engage in "sham" listening, appearing to be very attentive because they want to look good. Usually they are unaware of their deafness--in fact they believe they hear better than anyone else (this belief, of course, is another attempt at self-inflation).
>>>>>Yep
Because of their underlying need for voice and the resultant bluster, narcissists often work their way to the center of their "circle," or the top of their organization. Indeed, they may be the mentor or guru for others. The second they are snubbed, however, they rage at their "enemy".
>>oh definitely. They do end up the guru for other people as long as those people don't try and point out anything that shows that they might be wrong. If they dare to do this, the quickly become a scattered and shattered "sheep"
What makes it difficult to help this type of narcissist is their self-deception. The processes used to protect themselves are ingrained from childhood. As a result, they are absolutely unaware of their constant efforts to maintain a viable "self." If they are meeting with success, they are satisfied with life regardless of whether the people around them are happy.
>>>>This is true and very disheartening. You might be going through a really sad situation in your life, such as a death in your family, but to the X, as long as their lives are going well, they don't give a rip about what you are feeling. Another thing is, to the X, if they get the promotion that they know you wanted, they don't feel bad for you not getting it. They will rub your nose in the fact of "I'm sorry your skills were just not up to par with mine. Better luck next time, kiddo." (Yes, they really ARE that tactless!)
Two circumstances bring this type of person to a therapist's office. Sometimes a partner who feels chronically unheard and unseen drags them in. Or, they have met with some failure (often in their career) so that the strategies they previously used to maintain self-esteem suddenly no longer work. In the latter situation, their depression is profound--like cotton candy, their robust false self dissolves, and one is able to see an accurate picture of their inner sense of worthlessness.
>>>>Yes, I have seen this for sure. They go into a helpless, almost child-ish ( as different from child-like) state of existence, whining about how they aren't sure if they can make it. Now, if someone is sincerely hurting, you can usually tell. With X, there is a very short-lived regression into the "helpless child" mode, and then soon after, the will begin rising back up to being "ok"
Can such people be helped? Sometimes. The critical factor is whether they ultimately acknowledge their core problem: that as a child they felt neither seen nor heard (and/or their self was fragile as a result of trauma, genetic predisposition, etc.), and they unconsciously employed self-building strategies to survive. Acknowledging this truth takes much courage, for they must face their underlying lack of self-esteem, their exceptional vulnerability, and significantly, the damage they have caused others. Then comes the long and painstaking work of building (or resurrecting) a genuine, non-defensive self in the context of an empathic and caring therapy relationship.
>>>It's very difficult to help these people, but with GOD all things are possible. Personally, I know God could deliver someone in an instant, but in these deep-seated issues, I think it's best to go at it from an inner-healing standpoint.
~RM
