Is The Golden Child An Abused Child?

[Bella_French]

I relate more to the other stories where the `Golden Child' was kind of an imaginery identity, that my mother pushed upon some of us at certain times in our lives, followed by scapegoating and punishing us when we could no longer live up to those unrealistic expectations.

Most of my 5 siblings have developed a lot of independence from our mother as adults, but the ones who are still deeply enmeshed and dependent on her still strive to fullfill the role Golden Child (although they only ever partially attain that goal). I feel sorry for them, because I remember the fear that drives them on, and the agony & stress of trying to be perfect.

I still have that `desire' in my psyche, but I try to use it to motivate me, rather than dictate all my behaviour and feelings. I used to spiral down into terrible shame cycles as a teen and young adult, whenever I `failed' (as my mother defined failure). I would want to die, or feel like I was dying; it was so horrible.

I think the biggest problem for my siblings and I is that we grew up feeling that if we weren't `Golden'. then we would be punished and abused like the scapegoat (whoever my mother had chosen at that moment). There was no in between. So even our times of success were shadowed by intense fear of not being able to sustain it 24/7. Instead of seeing `success' as a nice experience, we felt that our wellbeing depended upon it.

X Bella

 

[reallyME]

But back to your situation Laura, I can only guess at the root cause being Envy.

BINGO, Leah...in fact, this was even admitted to some people by this person

[JanetLG]

I have been thinking about this thread, and one of the things my NMum said to me when I was in my mid-twenties (and openly questioning her abuse of me by then).

She said ' I had you so that you would stay with me forever.'

I found that really chilling. I thought people had children so that they could bring them up to be capable, valuable, happy, adult members of society in their own right, separate from their parents. But no, apparently.

I don't know if my NMum had ALWAYS thought like this, but it certainly seemed as if, in her eyes, anyway, we had pre-destined roles, and we HAD to fulfil those, or fail.

Perhaps she had decided *I* would be the Golden Child, but I had refused that role, so she transferred it to my sister, who was less 'rebellious'?


Janet

[Leah]

Ultimately, narcissists just have to be right.  THey have to control.  ANd Nparents choose a golden child to control.  In the end, they end up being equally controlled by the Nchild they created, in my opinion at least.

Dear Sunblue,

All of what you have written is quite remarkable in so much as it has a bearing with my FOO situation.

I have highlighted your statement that Nparents choose a GC to control - in the end, the end up being controlled by the Nchild they created ....

...... because that actually happened with my Sister No 2 as GC and my NM.

The tables turned and GC controlled and manipulated NM.  Many many shone on my dreadful FOO scenario and my summation is this: 

NM slipped up in her choice of Sister No 2 as replacement GC (after Brother left home to join armed forces) NM underestimated her.
Sister No 2 was not as complacent as she had thought.  NM had had plans for GC to stay close in alliegence.  BUT, what NM failed to discern was that the whole time NM was actively engaged in her abusive scheme of things ...  my baby Sister No 2 had been quietly 'watching and learning' in her safety zone.

Missed that completely and yet it is so obvious.

Leah

[Leah]

Dear Janet,

Perhaps she had decided *I* would be the Golden Child, but I had refused that role, so she transferred it to my sister, who was less 'rebellious'?

Yes, think you have hit the nail on the head!

Leah

[reallyME]

Janet,

Actually, X's mother was a very sweet, kind lady.  The problem was, by her own admission, she was not able to be there in X's life or her sibling's when they were in their teens (same mistake I made emotionally with my now N daughter).  X raised herself and her sibling for the most part, and so, never really got to know what being a "child" was about.  X learned that it was her job to have all the answers, fix things and people, and that she was NOBODY if she could not fulfil this role.

Janet: I don't know if my NMum had ALWAYS thought like this, but it certainly seemed as if, in her eyes, anyway, we had pre-destined roles, and we HAD to fulfil those, or fail.

Perhaps she had decided *I* would be the Golden Child, but I had refused that role, so she transferred it to my sister, who was less 'rebellious'?

My guess is that, yes, your Nmum had always thought to have you so you could be with her forever.  How do I guess this?  Cause children who grow up in dysfunctional families, tend to want someone "to love forever."  I WAS THIS CHILD AND THAT WAS MY FANTASY.  It was why I got pregnant at 18 by a boyfriend whom I dreamed would wisk me off and marry me and I'd live "happily ever after" with this blissful little baby that loved me and lived with me forever in the palace of my mind.

Now, hopefully, normal-minded people will WAKE UP and realize that this was JUST A FANTASY, like I had to.  Apparently, your own Nmum did not have a ability to separate fantasy from truth at the time and still doesn't.

In the case with X in my life, there was one daughter who did not fulfill the role of mirror.  X had nothing but complaints about how she wouldn't do "fun" things with her, etc.  So, X found another "daughter" to bring into the situation, a girl she picked "off the street" so to speak, that she could basically turn into her cupie doll, dress up, re-form, etc and later, when the girl tried to individuate, X threw up the usual "after ALL WE DID FOR YOU! WE MADE YOU WHO YOU ARE" thingy at her.  The girl decided she didn't want to be part of X's fantasy anymore, partly because of how she was being treated behind closed doors, although X would never admit to that to me or anyone else.

After X's pseudo-child left, guess who was NEXT in line to play the role..................yours truly, and, sad or maybe glad to say, I FAILED MISERABLY AT IT!  I couldn't second-guess what X wanted, like pseudo-d did, I couldn't be thankful enough to X and her spouse, like pseudo was, I couldn't read X's mind or do what pseudo used to do apparently without flaw...therefore, DEVALUE, DISCARD, REPLACE!  and out the door I went with a "consolation prize' of a sort.

That's how it works.  It's insane, but it's what they do, because it's all they know to do.

[tayana]

My guess is that, yes, your Nmum had always thought to have you so you could be with her forever.  How do I guess this?  Cause children who grow up in dysfunctional families, tend to want someone "to love forever."  I WAS THIS CHILD AND THAT WAS MY FANTASY.  It was why I got pregnant at 18 by a boyfriend whom I dreamed would wisk me off and marry me and I'd live "happily ever after" with this blissful little baby that loved me and lived with me forever in the palace of my mind.

I had this fantasy.  When I got pregnant with M, I was hoping that his father would swoop in and save me.  For about two years after M was born, I kept hoping he would change his mind and come save me.    I never wanted M to love me forever.  I was too caught up in not wanting him to have the same experience I had, but I definitely wanted someone to come in and rescue me.  I wanted to feel loved and respected, and it's taken a long time for me to learn that I have to learn to love and respect myself before someone else can love me.

My mother never said she wanted me to stay with her forever, but she and my dad often made inferences that they wanted me to take care of them.  They'd say things like, "Are you going to make enough money to take care of me?"  I think that's the problem with me moving away from them.  I'm not there to take care of them anymore, and by moving, I've taken the stance that I'm not going to play anymore.