Lupita,
Thank you for taking the time to explain in the midst of your own pain. I was concerned that I had triggered you by something I wrote.
You said that you were over sensitive a number of times in your post. I don't know if I am reading too far into what you wrote, but it sounded like you were upset with yourself for being over sensitive?
Lupita, it is how you feel, and there is nothing wrong with how you feel. (Depending on how it is said to me, I too get triggered by being judged or told what to do.)
You are an MD, so you most likely know what can happen with nerve damage or the changes that can happen in the brain following trauma, so what I am going to say is probably old news to you (please ignore if so).
In any case, I had an interesting thing happen once - severed a nerve in my foot (along with a tendon or 2), and my nervous system had the most bizarre reaction. It became hypersensitive. Essentially, the nerve was cut-off so I shouldn’t have felt anything, and yet – the slightest touch in that area of my foot would double me up in pain.
It wasn't until I had a great physical therapist that I was able to learn to desensitize my foot. She touched both feet in exactly the same spot, and in the normal foot it was just a slight feeling; whereas, in the foot with the nerve damage I had pain radiating up my leg. It was a very weird sensation in my brain - the same exact spot and yet 2 such different levels of feeling. That did it though – she retrained my brain.
I learned from my experience with my foot that the nervous system is a funny thing. I think that emotional trauma does the same thing to our brains. Our brains become hypersensitive to external stimuli, stimuli that are threatening to us in some way, and usually associated with the original trauma. Our brain goes into a fight/flight survival reaction, whereas, the brains of people who have not been traumatized don’t experience that degree of reaction.
I haven't researched this but I read somewhere that newer brain scans (I think PET scans) are now showing this – where people who suffer from anxiety or other disorders are showing greater brain activity in certain regions of the brain.
Now, the only problem for me has been that I have only 1 brain. How do I desensitize it? Short-term antidepressants might work. Suppress the activity for awhile while the brain re-sets itself (no tomatoes please Ami I know you don’t like meds :: smile :: ). I was on one for a while and it did help, but I stopped taking it because I didn't like the side-effects.
In any case, I guess I am trying to say that I hope you are not beating yourself up for being sensitive or being too hard on yourself. It is not fair to you; you have been through so much and your brain is reacting just as it should given what you have experienced, and, at least IME, it is very difficult to re-set the brain.
You are a wonderful person Lupita. You have accomplished so much in your life despite incredible odds – odds that would have broken most people, IMO. In fact, IMO, you have accomplished more in your life than most people I know who have had gentler upbringings.
Please be gentle with yourself. If you have trouble with this, maybe think of how gentle you would be with your son were he going through the same things as you. Take that knowledge and apply it to you as well.
Another thing that might help....Make a deal with yourself – every time a negative thought comes into your head in the next week – instead of feeling bad about it, give that negative thought a mental hug and say thanks for protecting me. Sounds bizarre doesn’t it? Oddly enough that is what my T taught me. Those negative thoughts were at one time a desperately needed protective mechanism when you were a child that have continued into adulthood.
Also - every time a good thought or feeling comes up, congratulate yourself for remembering to feel good.
I have been trying this also and think it is helping.
Much love,
Peace
