Dating advice

[bliz]

Okay it has been a year and a half since the Nar shrunk away.  I have dated a little, but nothing serious.  I really didnt think I was ready.  Now I feel ready and have a few guys that seemed interested.  Besides the obvious red flags, how do you tell the good ones from the bad ones?  How do you protect yourself in a dating environment?  I dont mean protect yourself with a suit of armor so you cant relate, but how to be open enough to be yourself yet protective of your self esteem, voice etc. 

As independent of a woman as I am, I dont trust myself in the dating environment.  I was fooled by Nar, so I worry I can be fooled again.  It seems to be human nature that women are expected to give more and bend more in the dating relationship.  I dont know if I can do that right now.  I want to be open, but I have a very full life as it is.  How do you open up enough to let someone in, without letting go of yourself?  Whew!!!  A lot of questions.

[October]

How do you open up enough to let someone in, without letting go of yourself?  Whew!!!  A lot of questions.

This is a tricky one.  There is the old saying that you look at how he treats waiters/waitresses in a restaurant.

Beyond that, you could do what I do, which is to avoid men altogether unless you know them to be gay.

Not very helpful in terms of achieving dating, though.     So I will watch this one with interest.

[bliz]

Thanks for replying October.  It is a baffling one, isnt it?  Guess it all boils down to not wanting to be hurt.  But there is more.  Not wanting to waste any more time on damaged men.  I think what scares me, is I have dated a few, including the ex, who I didnt realize were damaged until much further down the road.  Hopefully my antennae has improved in the last year and a half.  THe ones I dated briefly in the last year, all gave out warnings signals, and I quickly got out.  So maybe I am not giving myself enough credit.

Ironically, the ex left a phone message, out of the blue, this week.  I was shocked, since I made it clear, I did not want to talk to him at any point doen the road.  I ignored him.  It probably brought up some stuff though, which further complicated my thinking about dating.

Somewhere I saw a list of warning signs when dating.  I will have to see where that was.  Kind of like, "you might be dating a jerk, if".

[October]

Somewhere I saw a list of warning signs when dating.  I will have to see where that was.  Kind of like, "you might be dating a jerk, if".

Well, assuming I will one day get out into the big bad world, that list would be very interesting.  As things stand I have not dated anyone since ex left, which was in 1997.  (Nor of course before then, because I was 'married'.)

The risk of choosing wrongly again is too high, so until I know I can make the right choices, I daren't even begin to try.  Shame, really.  I tell my daughter that she needs to find someone who treats her like a princess, and looks after her as she deserves.  Somehow I find it hard to look for that for myself, though.

I think you did very well to ignore your ex.  I find it very hard not to respond when people pull those strings.    

[missm]

I don't think there's a silver bullet for finding a good match, but I learned some important (and sometimes painful lessons) dating for several years before I met my current bf, who is not an n, is very low on drama, and is an all around good human.  Not flawless (Lord knows I'm not), but well worth my time.

When you find yourself interested in someone who's interested in you, take things very slowly.  If they're a good person, and a mature person, they'll be around for a while.  Get to know them before you get in real deep.

Be careful of anyone who lays down a lot of flattery and compliments.  As the child of an N, I have a problem mistaking flattery for real respect and concern - it's the closest thing to it I got as a child - so flattery can lull me into a false state of security (and has).    It's not respect, and it's no indication that the flatterer has a genuine interest in getting to know you, or even the ability.  N's are big on the flattery, it's a very easy way for them to control a vulnerable person.

And along similar lines, remember that someone liking you is not a big old point for them.  It's just the first requirement.  A good relationship is an equal privilege for both parties. 

Good luck!  Dating can be fun, just don't take it too seriously. 

[bliz]

Thanks for the good advice.  October, I hope you feel ready soon because eight years is a long way to wait.  I waited about ten between the last and the recent ex.  It is difficult when you dont trust youreslf which is part of my problem.  It is good advice to take it slow, yet not take it too seriously.  That is a dilmena isnt it.  On the one hand be cautious, but on the other maybe not too cautious.  A balancing act as usual.

[October]

When you find yourself interested in someone who's interested in you, take things very slowly. 

Be careful of anyone who lays down a lot of flattery and compliments. 

And along similar lines, remember that someone liking you is not a big old point for them.  It's just the first requirement.  A good relationship is an equal privilege for both parties. 

I think these are all excellent points.  Thanks.