My youngest daughter has cystic fibrosis...she is now 35 which is a miracle in its self. I have helped and enabled her all her life....and I know there is a difference between helping someone out and enabling. My own NM would enabled me but then she wanted a return on her money big time. Like doing what she wanted when she wanted. I didn't see it until I was older what she was doing to me or anyone she was able to get her way with.
With my youngest I felt awful that she had the CF and didn't know how long she would live. Never thinking she would make it this far. She is suppose to start new meds around January that is suppose to help her body go a little bit normal. Which will be another blessing to come.
But she has been living with bf for the past ten years. He is very selfish self centered person. After ten years everything is still split down the middle. She wanted to have a baby a few years back and was told that was her last chance because her body would change and she would not be able to carry a baby. So he doesn't want to be married or have any children. She continues to stay with him.
About ten days ago he got drunk and was combined with weed, which is legal in that state. He almost hit and hurt her, he called her horrible names. But you know how this goes.....he says he is sorry and acts somewhat normal again and the beat goes on. This has been an on going type of behavior over the ten years.
I can't take it anymore......I feel I can't support this relationship. I want to stop......I would do anything for her but when it comes to almost hitting her and foul language I am done. It has happened in the past and I can't do this .....
I need to get this off my chest.....like you friends to hear me.
Also this daughter a psychologist isn't that amazing.....my own T says it is so different when it is yourself.
Thanks for reading and any suggestions would be a help.....Bettyanne
Oh Betty Anne, there's nothing wrong with you. What a horrible situation. I think in some ways watching your adult kids suffer is worse than little kids - at least when they're little you can scoop them up and do what you can to make it better. When they grow up you can only stand back and watch them keep putting their hand into the fire. That's so hard. Particularly when she's done so well with her medical condition. To manage that and then put up with this arsehole - that's tough.
Is there anyone else involved with her regularly - doctor or social worker, perhaps? The only thing I can think that might help you a little bit is if you can distance yourself a little, but knowing someone else knows about your concerns and can keep an eye out or at least be someone she can go to for help if she wants to. I think the hardest thing about domestic abuse is that the people being abused often can't see it, and you can't make them see it if they're not ready to. I don't know how often you see her or speak to her but maybe you can restrict it a little, if you can manage that? Just to give yourself a bit of a break? Or perhaps tell her how you feel about the way he treats her (I'd suggest not slagging him off as that tends to make the partner see red but saying "I really don't like x talking to you like that) and that you would prefer not to hear about what he's done (I'm assuming she's telling you rather than someone else?). I had a friend who always went out with guys who knocked her about and eventually I had to tell her that I didn't want to hear about any more beatings. It's like watching a car crash over and over. It means you keep being assaulted as well, in a way.
That's probably not a lot of help. I do feel for you. But do try and focus on helping yourself as much as you can, as sadly there probably isn't much you can do for your D in this situation until she decides she wants things to change xx
