Having a beer. Shrug, what else should the title be.

[Meh]

So I don't come on here very often. I do little glances at the board periodically, I feel like I am behind with what is going on as everybody's life unfolds. Also I don't have any more complaints about Narcissism I could of course put a few here and there but I'm so dead on it. The most recent one my mother accused me of being emotionally cold when she started crying because I didn't feel like talking to her sister at the moment who she was on the phone with. Perhaps my titanium shield against her is complete. Maybe my force field has never been stronger I have no idea. I sort of put it out of my mind all the Nar stuff she did. Then when she does it again I just think to myself in a dull voice "Oh she is still doing the same emotional crap she always did, wow I can't believe she is STILL into this stuff." Anyhow ... and yes the Aunt I don't feel like talking to is the one who concocted the story that my father sexually molested me and my mother didn't bother to step in at all and stand up for me like she never does.  Yada yada blah blah

So I'm not posting to talk about my mother because the allotted emotional energy I have for that may have already been spent and drained out like maple syrup from a dead tree.

I figure maybe I would talk about the things I avoid, the things I am afraid of and how it's holding me back. Or maybe all the anxiety and fear things are legit. Why don't we just honor our fear and anxiety. In the end fear & anxiety = my/our need to SURVIVE

So maybe I just come on here out of loneliness or a safe place to put internal thoughts.

At some point I quit writing candid things on here which had nothing to do with the board I just had a greater need for privacy all of a sudden I guess. This kind of shuts down my writing on here. Perhaps I should take my laptop to a cafe in the morning and type it out. IDK

Mainly my days are full of working in a call center. It's pretty dull to explain it. I just answer the phone all day long. One customer right after another. So far the job has been going smoothly for what it is. People complain a lot about the time it takes for something to happen or get to them. We tell them upfront everything is an estimate etc. etc. Ughhh it's too dull to write about.

I like some of my coworkers. One of my guy coworkers is super funny. He oddly asked me out on a date but it was really insincere which is bullshit. Wouldn't date him even though he is entertaining.

There is a large age range of people where I work from like 19 up to 70 somethingish.

So I have annoying young female coworkers that talk about farts and orgies and and their body parts all day then I literally have an old guy who can't find his way back to his desk. So there is a balloon that always floats above his desk and moves with him so he won't get lost.

I don't know.

In between there are a handful of people that all wanted to go out on a ladies night but it hasn't happened still.

Maybe I should just invite the old guy who can't find his way back to his desk and give up on the ladies.

The job is repetitive which makes it easy or it should be easy but sometimes simple things are repetitively handled in a stupid way by the company. And I feel my body go tired just trying to write it.

I don't plan to go to other jobs. I don't want promotions. I like that I am busy at work but not overwhelmed. I hate feeling behind. Other departments that do emails and such can get 300 emails behind. In there will be some complicated situations. I so don't want to ever feel like too much work is piling up. I just don't give a rats ass for that.

Yeah it sounds like I am behaving like an under-achiever, it's just so many companies will just overwhelm and take advantage of their employees. I mean it's not like they are reviewing their healthcare offerings to make them any better. Why should I work harder for no additional benefits. Even if I go to a different department we are told it's all lateral transfers not promotions now.

I have no plan for the future. That really seems like a luxury. I'm 39 years old, don't have a career. Every job I have had has been about the same as every other job I had more or less.

Should I be questioning myself. Should I be freaking out like a freaked out crazy chicken. Sigh.

It's painful to think about it. I don't want to pretend that I am good at a job that I am really bad at and under-qualified for so that I can make more money AND be totally miserable.

I mean my goal is to not be miserable on a day to day basis. I don't think this is a bad goal. 

Could I not be miserable and do more for myself goal wise. Adult wise. Probably.

Bleh.

I mean there is something of value in putting down one's own thoughts. Seeing them laid out flat and across. Do they say something more when they are laid out. I think I often write just for some mental organization or clarity. But again I can say clearly I am avoiding things and perhaps it's not an adult thing to do. I am outwardly polite and adult like but I don't do adult things for my personal life sometimes. I let it all slide.

 

[Hopalong]

Hey, Boat.

Have you ever been diagnosed with clinical depression?

Hops

[Meh]

Yes Hops years ago when I looked up the diagnostic list and read it to someone, it was when I was a teenager and they never questioned it after the initial diagnosis. I mean pretty much with mental anguish it's all based on what the patient feels like reporting. I took meds for it but quit around 2007 and never tried anymore again. The meds were too questionable to me and coming off of them can cause terrible depression. I think our environments can have a big impact on our emotional state. Even a few days away from my job makes me feel lighter. I don't hate my job. It's just that it's a lot of complainers all day long. 

Since I can go to work fine I feel I will accept myself and just cope. It's been working okay. Not optimal of course. I figure maybe we can still function and honor our weaknesses. I don't know.

[Twoapenny]

G, I think an uninspiring job can sap anyone's energy, I know I've done some over the years that used to make me want to scream, not because they were difficult but probably the opposite, they were just repetetive and mind numbing.  And dealing with complaints all day - that must really take it out of you.  Just listening to negativity constantly.  The guy who can't find his desk made me laugh though, bless him, he sounds a bit like me!  Lol.  Maybe he would be more fun to go out with than the others, at least you would be kept on your toes wondering if he'd return from the gents or not

Your mum sounds exhausting as well.  It's hard to feel perky and upbeat when you have to sort of switch off in order to cope.  I get that, you have to make yourself feel very little so you don't get upset, angry, frustrated and so on.  It's hard to know where the line is between acceptance and resignation, I find.  I was reading a book about Buddhism, and a lot of that was about acceptance, but I found myself wondering what the difference is between accepting your situation and trying to find the best in it and giving up trying.  I find people tiring to deal with sometimes.

I hope you can post on here though, I miss seeing what's going on in your world   x