I am 43 years old and I have a an extremely difficult relationship with my aging parents. On the surface we look very close. But my parents have made me feel that I am the most selfish, over-sensitive person on earth since I can remember. I know I have self-esteem issues I need to face up to, but I have never gotten therapy because I felt deep down that I would be told that my parents are right about me.
My father is extremely controlling. He always needs to be the center of attention. Always needs to impress people. He verbally abused my three siblings and I. He said things to us noone should ever have to hear about themselves. He tried to make us submissive in any way he could.
My Mother never defended us. She was so fragile herself that she made matters worse by being the martyr that he needed to defend against us. I was never allowed to voice my opinion. But I still did try many times to be heard, always precipitating a very big argument. Appologizing was humiliating in my family. My Mother would always say, "sorry is not enough". I often got into fights with my mother about my father and still do. This gave him the excuse he needed to attack me. I know my relationship with them is infantile. I want in some way to get back at them for ignoring and discounting my needs. After a recent argument he wrote me a hideous email. It is first time I have, in writing, proof of verbal abuse.
My oldest sister is mentally ill and my brother, who had learning issues and was always picked on. My other sister S and I are the "normal ones." Because of all the trouble with my siblings my sister S and I were expected to always behave and make up for the fact that their other kids were such a dissappointment. There were AWFUL scenes in my house in which my father chased my oldest sister down like an animal. He was extremely controlling.
Thankfully, I had enough sense to move 2 hours away to NYC where I met my husband, the most wonderful, reasonable man. In fact, my parents love him more than me or any of my siblings.
Can anyone offer any advice on how to proceed through the minefield that is my family?
