older parents and Nism

[write]

I was thinking about this and wondered what other people think, all the Ns I have known their parents were older parents.

They all thought themselves a bit different and 'free spirits' but were a bit clueless in child-raising.

Now women in their 50s and 60 s are having babies- will they be more likely to raise Ns?

I have more thoughts on this but I'd better go get ready!

[Brigid]

write,
I'm not sure what you mean by "older."  My parents and my xnh's parents were 29 & 30 when they started having children, and 39 and 40 when they finished.  Only difference being, I was the first born, with one brother born 10 years later and my x was the 4th of 4.  In both cases, our parents age of getting married related to the end of the war, so I'm not sure you could make anything of that.

I was 34 and 38 when my children were born/delivered (my daugher came to me at 4 months) and I think that tends to be more the norm these days among women who are more educated and/or career oriented.  I disagree with women giving birth in their 50's and 60's.  I don't think it's fair to the children to have 2 parents who will probably not be around for the better part of their children's lives.

I don't know that age has anything to do with it.  Parents can be selfish and uninvolved with their children's lives at any age.  I would think the tendency to be abusive might be higher when you are younger and don't have the patience, income and readiness to be a parent of someone more established.

It will be interesting to see what others say.

Brigid

[movinon]

write,

I guess I haven't really delved into whether MY parents were N or not.  I think my father could have been and my mother isn't.  He is gone now and had other "things" including alcoholism...I guess I just attributed everything to the drink and never thought to catagorize it and break it down. 

I'd like to hear your further thoughts on it though.

Movinon

[Jona]

My ex-NH's mother was 42 when he was born.  This was in a small European country.  She was a trained nanny and had worked for an American family both in her country, the USA, and in Peru.  I shudder to think about what she may have done to those poor children.  I know what she did to my husband.

She told me one time that when my husband was a baby, she would put him out on the balcony in his little bed or whatever it was.  She said one day a woman knocked on her door and told her her baby was crying.  She said she told the woman,  "Oh, yes I know he is crying."  She was laughing when she told me this because she thought it was a funny story.  I wonder how long he had to scream before she attended to him or if she ever did unless she felt it was time to do so.

She also started putting him on a potty chair, strapped down when he was a year old.  He had to stay there until he had a bowel movement.  It didn't matter how loud he screamed. It didn't matter if it was two hours.

My husband grew up in a world that was changing fast but his parents never changed the way they did things or saw things.  It was like he was being raised by grandparents from another age.  They wouldn't let him have meat until he was 8 years old because she believed that meat was not good for children.

[Sugarbear]

I don't know that age has anything to do with it.  Parents can be selfish and uninvolved with their children's lives at any age.  I would think the tendency to be abusive might be higher when you are younger and don't have the patience, income and readiness to be a parent of someone more established.

Brigid

I agree with this. I don't know if older parents are more inclined to be Ns... sure there will be some in that age group, but I would think that rings true for the younger ones as well.

I waited to start trying to have children until my career was established, I was in a high-paying stable position, and DH and I agreed to wait at least 2 years after our wedding so we had a chance to get to know each others as husband and wife. I will be in my mid-thirties before our 1st child will be born (if all goes well, we've experienced some issues) I think that quite a few women are waiting to have kids until they are in a stable place in their lives... so that could be one of the reasons that there are more "older" parents nowadays too.

Of course, medical science also has opened a whole world of possibilities for those women that might not have been able to have children. A woman that had medical issues prevent her from conceiving in her twenties can now become a mother in her 40s or 50s if she still feels the need to have a child. The ache to have a child probably never goes away, so even tho we as a society are shocked at hearing about women in their 50s conceiving, it may have been a lifelong dream that just now was able to be fulfilled. In-vetro fertilization has just in the last 20 years or so become available, and "affordable" (if you can believe that 10-20 thousand is considered affordable) and in the last 5-10 years has zeroed in on reducing chances of multiple births, something that scared away most women seeking reproductive assistance.

[write]

one thing I have noticed about the mothers of Ns is they tend to be strongly opinionated, even if there is nothing to back up their views, and go their own way. I think that's the thought which prompted my thread, if the mothers are more confident and willing to go against child-rearing advice etc. I am definitely more confident now than 20 years ago, but would that lead me to be a better parent? In some ways yes, but then if I had any strong ideas I'd also be more likely to carry them out.

I've seen mothers of all different backgrounds let their half-assed ideas harm their kids, of course, and not all were older or raised Ns.

[Hopalong]

I think this is a very interesting idea...no idea what studies would show, but it rang a bell.

My NMom was just shy of 40 when she had me. Before that, she'd had a very exciting life in Washington during and just after WWII. Those were heady times, she was a very well-regarded professional, a very proper (flirty in a proper way), charming and beautiful woman. She was courted. Ironically, she had grown up dirt poor, and my sweet and shy Dad, who grew up like Little Lord Fauntleroy--except without the ego--was smitten by her great confidence and glamour.

Hmmm. Soon after they married, she's "professor's wife", and stuck at home with the 2 kids until we get to school. She began working as a teacher the moment the youngest (me) started school.

So I wonder...if younger mothers might be somewhat less likely to be Ns, because they haven't been as long "out in the world" achieving independence and professional status? It shouldn't be that way, that a woman feels one WHIT diminished for being a stay-home mom, but we know it still is, in many people's minds. That's a stupid stereotype, but women still aren't fully valued and respected even when they DO turn into CEOs, or raise 10 fabulous human beings...in the world at large, they're still not fully respected. So maybe there's something about that before-children and after-children contrast that pours fuell on the N embers in women who are predisposed to the disease.

Hops

[write]

I've just been watching a programme about the life of Bette Davis, and her mother apparently all her life made incredible demands for financial support and in competition with her daughter.

"out in the world" achieving independence and professional status?

there's something less than N about being the Queen of childcare/ the kitchen sink...I guess you're right the stereotypes don't attract people looking for instant glamour!

[moonlight52]

Hi Guys     I am the mom of a 27 year old young lady and a 13 year old teenage girl .I have been married 33 years.(Beauty is a verb I was at home my hubby was taking our 13 year old to the library and he called on phone me to say run out back look up to the east there is a double rainbow, he did not want me to miss it).Well back to parenting at both ages I knew what not to do to children because of n father.But I did not have the patience I have now.I have grown in wisdom .But I would have to say for me even with 14 years between my girls I am still the same parent and age has had little effect on basic parenting.We got a lot of stuff right and some stuff we could have done better no major bad parenting I am glad to say.I guess it is not well excepted but here goes what I
wanted most in life was to be a mom .The years 17-27 when I was engaged and then marred to my husband were very fulling career wise art world etc.But when I was expecting at 27 no one in the world was as happy as I .I stayed at home raised my child myself.When my older child was
bigger it left more time for my artwork and me.Then magic day a day my hubby and I were told would not be .We were expecting again .I was 40 and we were the happiest and we were jumping for joy.My husband and myself love our girls and they are the greatest source of love as we love them.Of course the teen years are not easy. Our house is a fine house with 2 cats in the yard.

Moonlight

[reallyME]

I agree about parents of N's being older.  Jodi's mother, who used to be my spiritual Mom for a year, is in her 60's.  She is oblivious to the truth that she has caused Jodi to be narcissistic and controlling.  In one conversation, she actually told me about how, when her children got "close enough" she would get out the belt and use it on them.  She explained how one girl would try and buck her, but got hit anyway.  It was HORRID reading all of what she said in text (we were online, chatting), but then it also was explained by her comment when I stayed with her daughter for 6 weeks..."I still sometimes feel that children should be SEEN AND NOT HEARD!"  That explained why Jodi turned out the way she did, plus her father being a former alchoholic abuser!

The other lady who is BPD...her mother is also in her 60's and horribly abused her older sister in front of her.  It seems that the "spare the rod, spoil the child" crap was used in many N homes.  I, personally am not a real avid fan of corporal punishment, although I do believe in spanking children when they are around 3-5, within reason and with my hand.  Stories of "lickens out behind the woodshed," "drowning kittens" and " having to retrieve all water from the well"  um, NOT MY THING AT ALL!

ReallyME

[Healing&Hopeful]

..."I still sometimes feel that children should be SEEN AND NOT HEARD!" 

Gosh... this really hit home to me.  I grew up with "Children should be seen and not heard!".  My mum was 24 and bio dad 26/27 when they had me.