Today I went to my morning job with a sense not of dismay but of resolve- if it still wasn't working out there then I would gradually bow out, with no drama. It's just too difficult for a bipolar to work with stress, and the two head nurses have really done all they could to undermine me after I stood up for some of the patients and advised the director on motivating lower paid staff; sometimes it doesn't matter how tactful or careful you are- which I really was- people feel threatened and angry anyway, and no humility on my part is going to win these two over until they choose to be more kind.
One of the biggest problems is I have established a great rapport with the caregiving staff and they are not only jealous but I am being asked to advise on how these difficult staff morale issues are best handled. One of the hostile nurses said 'they want you to take on training then' and I thought she said it with an edge, but it's more than that- it's the new way she and her colleague who have been ill-treating others are expected to behave. They can no longer get away with shouting or bitching or undermining, and the caregiving staff are finally being treated with the respect and courtesy they deserve.
And then there's patient care. Sometimes as in all places difficult patients become a bit invisible and their needs don't get met. By being visible doing those things and helping the patients and families become more assertive and the staff to go that extra distance as often as humanly possible- well it makes work for someone who would rather sit out back smoking, or in their office gossiping. And it is hard work, I know that, but it's not right if it's not done to make someone as comfortable and content as possible in their last illness and last home here.
As I went through the front door I could hear chanting- my name- and all the clients and carers were sitting waiting for me around the piano, it was uproar and the nurse pointedly went in and closed her door. I did a great group, thanks to all the staff who come and help me and get up immobile people to dance or play instruments or engage with them. The most wonderful thing is the staff are having as good a time as the patients because there's nothing more rewarding than meeting someone's needs especially if they are difficult to engage. And that is thing I stressed to the director- help other people feel the way you and I do; when we get accolades and praise and money it's good of course and the lower paid workers don't get as much of those. But the thing that really gets you out of bed in a morning, rushing to do a good job is the passion for developing a skill and knowing that you are making a difference whether or not anyone else notices or rewards you!
And that's why I typed this really. I felt like an idiot at times compromising my position there to effect change. Ex said to me 'why is it any of your business' and ' it's a wonder people don't tell you where to get off'. But the atmosphere was horrible and people were being misunderstood and unkind and ill-treated and in a couple of cases neglected. Some things we can't always influence but going there today, I could see where my influence had made a difference.
And that's the other thing too, for it to work I have to make no reference to it, be kind to the unpleasant nurse, not try to take credit or take over, and let people know I feel they are doing a wonderful job when they are.
I left there today with a grateful heart that finally I have learned how to really effect change in a small way- not by drama or unkindness but with love and humility and no expectation that anyone will really notice what happened in the past few weeks. It doesn't matter- my reward is the quiet self-satisfaction and things I have learned, and the genuine love and affection from and for the staff, families and patients.
One of my mantras is 'G_d sees all'. Today I was proud of what G_d can see, and most of all so grateful that I finally learned when to shut up!
Which is probably about now....
