I finally understand why my H and I can't have a relationship like other couples who seem so happy
Each of us has three parts: Parent, Adult, Child and this is how it goes:
H me
P
\ > P
\ /A
>>>\ / >>>A
/ \C
/ > C
Most people incorporate Parent/Adult/Child(in a healthy way) and
relate on the Adult level. My H
plays the parent role and relates to me as if I am a child. OR, he will
play a child("mommy, mommy, mommy, help me"), leaving me to play the role of parent. He is not capable of having an adult conversation. He gets what he wants and makes himself known by playing the role of parent or child.
this is a huge eye opener for me. I had a good session. I wrote down all kind of situations and fed all the crap to my therapist so he got the big picture of my H. I think he has a good plan for me to stop the dance. My H over-reacts to everythingand to balance him, I under-react. My H always made me feel like such a crumb because I didn't have the same emotions as him, like I didn't care. I am not a cold, thoughtless person! He puts me in that role.
My H is at a bad spot this month. He is being "fed" from all over. His business is going through a really bad time. He just had his annual physical and the Doc found a hard spot on his prostrate. This happened on Monday. He talked to zillions(well, it seems like that) of people about this hard spot. He heard from many of them he needed ot get out of this town for care so we are going to the Mayo Clinic(the best) tonight.(this is a 4-6 hour drive) He called me yesterday and dropped this on me. I got upset because he didn't ask me to go, he laid a guilt trip on me to get me to go. I and the boys had plans on Friday. I had been looking forward to them. So he calls me and in asking him what was going to happen, HE DIDN'T KNOW! He was making plans before he even knew what was going to happen. I got so irritated. I asked him to do his homework and then call me. Needless to say, he got angry and made me out to be cold-hearted, not caring, unsympathetic wife. Because of how he is, I just can't fall into the "poor you" trap. He demands it. After he found out that they would put him under, he said if I came I could drive him home on the same day rather than him finding a hotel and getting a cab to take him there. He is really worked up over all this and he has no idea if anything is wrong. We are driving across state to the best...and nothing might be wrong! I dread this trip. He is going to expect me to act a certain way, and say certain things. I am going to be balancing his extreme. I can hear it coming. His favorite phrase, "I find it odd that you don't...?..." It's always a surprise what he fills in the blank with. I told my therapist that for 13 years, I have been trying to get it right and I just can't. He said if I am always wrong, I can't be always wrong. If I can't get it right, there is no getting it right.
Back to him being fed....everybody he comes into contact with knows what he's going through. He has people calling him all the time giving him sympathy. All these people are falling into his trap. If he gets fed anymore, he is going to explode!
He just called me. He did it again...dumped the whole thing in my lap with one question, "when would
you like to leave(for the mayo clinic, a 5 hour drive)?" I said, "what do you mean, when would
I like to leave? I don't know what is going on, when your appointment is in the morning. You're the one who needs to tell me when you want to get there. This is your appointment. " So then he defends himself by saying he didn't know what I needed to get done today. Well, dah!, it doesn't matter. When he needs me to go, I GO! I want to wring his neck right now!!!!!!!!!!
I will make the most of this trip and enjoy that time with him. The appointment tomorrow morning will be a huge challenge.
I can make today good though!
Thanks for letting me vent here (as if you have a choice
)...I feel better already.
MaryKay
