Looking for a little feedback please

[poetprose]

For those who do not know my circimstances I will give a quick heads up

hubby and i are married 26 yrs together he and I have 3 adult kids, ages 25, 24, 22

He has 2 adult kids from previous marriage who did not live with us ages, 35 32

so all in all we have 5 in total..... all the kids are fairly close as they all grew up together... so they go to bars together and buy each other gifts at Christmas etc...... extended family which for the most part has worked reasonably well, few personality quirks amongst them but they have managed to work through this and with this

Here is my delima, at Christmas eve we are always invited to hubbys daughters , where she invites her mom, (hubby's X) and then all of us so it is one big family gathering..

we have spent 2 Christmas eves as a big family where hubbys x has been there, I did this for my step daughter , even though I don't really want to , and I am not really comfortable spending christmas eve with hubbys x

it is not that we dont get along, or anything like that.. I just do not want to do this any more,

do you think I am wrong or selfish? sometimes i think for all the kids sakes i should just go along with it...

then i think, hey I do not think i should have to spend Christmas eve with hubby's X and I am not being selfish, they were married and now they are divorced and we are married 26 yrs now, why should i have to

what do you think? am i being selfish should  I be expected to just sacrafice for the sake of everyone else, family harmony? 

[Greek Dog]

You have a difficult dilimna.  If you don't go how will the others react.  If you do go you if there something else you can do to compensate for your sacrifice.  Is there someone in your family you can discuss this with?  One of your children or your husband or even your step daughter?

[poetprose]

well I do have my husbands support, he says he understands, in fact he doesn't really want to spend his Christmas eve's with his X wife either...

the way i look at it is , all 5 of the kids are adults, they are not children, and that they are capable of understanding why i feel this way

I did not talk to my step daughter about this, because i know in her mind she has always* had a picture of what she thinks the family should be like....  and i am afraid to dash her dreams, even though i know that maybe she is not looking at it from my perspective or even her dads, just her own view ....... I feel torn

[Hopalong]

I'll play debbil's advocate, Poet...

If you scale back your own sentiments about Christmas, and remember it's way far from being a sacred holiday the way it's usually enjoyed, but it is almost always about children...in a way I feel you're lucky to be able to be with his X and all those grown kids enjoying their bonding so much.

I am just thinking that when there's any way to give children of divorce a sense of family and continuity, that's a good thing. Your kids are lucky.

I don't think you should make yourself miserable every year...but if she's a nice woman and your X is appropriate around her, maybe that night can be your gift to the kids. But if it makes you truly miserable, then you should reorganize it.

Sorry, this was no real answer. Just probing a little to see how strongly you feel about it.

Hops

[poetprose]

>>>Can you look at exactly what is bothering you about the evening?  Is it that the X is there?  (would you feel fine if you were going to your step-daughter's every year, if only the X was not included?)  Or is having Christmas Eve at your step-daughter's every year the problem<<<<

ok yes i have considered this and i would be fine with having christmas eve with my step daughter , but it is her home where she invites us all, she wants to spend christmas eve with her mom , however if she came here then i would not have to spend it with hubbys x


>>>How did you all celebrate in the years before?  Was Christmas Eve at your house up until recently?  If so, what prompted the change?  Did X get included at the change?  <<<<

Step daughter always came here, (not the mom)  my step daughter  and her fiance bought a condo and so she wanted to have everyone there... that is why we went there....  i did this because i understand her wanting to have everyone in her new home



But there is more to this.... it is more about me,  ok I find Christmas hard enough, in that i dont have any parents, so when i go to step daughters and her mom is there and even though all 5 of the kids is there..

i feel very isolated and alone... it is like "me and them"  Me , hubby and his x, and hubbys father (whom I get anxious arround anyways)   it is hard to explain it is just very isolating......the isolation is already there and then going there just reinforces it, because i dont really want to be best friends with his X

[poetprose]

Thyx to all of you for your support and feedback

I'm going to think about this a little more and come back to this thread ... so don't everyone shut the door on this one ok:-))

[debkor]

Poet,

You did Xmas eve with them while the kids were young.  I give you lots of credit for this.  What a wonderful step mom you are. You thought of the childrens needs before your own. 

Although you never felt comfortable and felt alone you still put yourself out there for the sake of the kids. *Applause*.
But they are not little children anymore.  They are grown and as we all know (as grown ups and marriage) we split holidays.
Xmas eve at in-laws, X-mas at parents.  It comes understood.  I understand when my kids go to their bf/gf's house.  It happens and traditions change a little.  This is something they must understand now.
Now is your time.  You have a choice also. 
I would not make an excuse why I couldn't make it to my step daughters, it will come back to bite you in the ass and excuses only last so long. 
Just tell her that your traditions are changing but it does not mean that you won't be together for the holidays.
Maybe just not (all together) at the same time.
They are also your holidays Poet.  Do what you feel comfortable with now.  There is no reason you have to feel alone.

Love
Deb

[Overcomer]

Is th ex remarried?  Where is her h?  Considering you guys have been married so long I would not get upset.  If they invited everyone BUT you then I would get ripped!  But they were married a lifetime ago-she is simply your step childrens mom.

[gratitude28]

So, Poet, do you have that awful, huge, "Alone in a crowd" feeling at these get-togethers? That is what I am hearing. I understand completely and I can't put a finger on why I feel that way in certain situations or how to avoid it. I do feel it a lot less now that I am working through these issues with Nism. Maybe it is that you are ignored/unimportant? Is there anyone you enjoy being with there? Maybe if you did some free-accosiation scribbling in a journal about the day you could see in your writing where the problem is.
((((poet))))

[poetprose]

Hi Deb yes! i do feel that is is ok for me to say that I have the right not to spend Christmas eve with hubbys X,  this "intermingling" of hubby , his X and myself has only been the 2 Christmas eve's, and I went along with it for my step daughter as it was her new home and she wanted to have everyone together , it was easier for her to do this... for the sake of time and travelling, but i also think alot of it is that she in her mind thinks* we should all be one big happy family.......    But I do have my limitations, and when the opportunity comes up I will adress this with her.......  she is an adult and I'm sure she can accept it like one too..


Gratitude28,  yes I do have that alone in a crowd feeling, BUT only with hubbys family, when we went on the cruise and dined at the table with 6 other complete strangers , I did not get that feeling one bit....... or with my any other group of peole, golfing etc..

this alone thing*/ in a crowd  (and it is hell), just seems to be with my hubbys family...  I can't get to the root of it though...I use to think it was just Christmas and that it is because i dont have family of my own.... but even when we rented a hall and did a huge birthday party for hubbys dad for his 80th a  few years ago..... that feeling is there..... it really is a horrible feeling

what i do know is this has all happened since PTS hit me ....  but why just his family?  why not on the cruise ship or at my daughters baseball game, where i sit with a crowd.... 

I cling to my sister in law at these gatherings of family events when she is there,  because my hubbys aunnt even said about SIL "that she is not one of us", in other words she is an outsider..... so i figure her and i can hang out

[poetprose]

>>Is th ex remarried?  Where is her h?  Considering you guys have been married so long I would not get upset.  If they invited everyone BUT you then I would get ripped!  But they were married a lifetime ago-she is simply your step childrens mom.<<<

she did remarry but it didnt work out.... nasty divorce etc... so she is alone,  my not wanting to spend Christmas with hubbys X, is not because i feel threatened in terms of  hubby and his x or what they shared years ago , it is nothing like that.....

I guess i am just wanting some bounderies, some voice maybe ..... my step daughter is getting married this Sept, and i am doing the cakes , it is about 150 people wedding, i will be amongst all her side of the family.......... these events are fine.... i know this is something i am excited about...  i see this as my responsiblity as a step mom, my step daughter loves both her mom and me .. she even calls me mom sometimes when she is here visiting ( not sure what i think of that though)...

so i understand in cases like a wedding it is a shared event both her mom and i will be there!!!  but i do not think i want to spend christmas eves with her mom.......

[Overcomer]

I can respect that so you need to do what you need to do-but it is funny, when I am with my ex and his now second ex or one of his girlfriends it is ok.

[Margo]

For those who do not know my circimstances I will give a quick heads up

hubby and i are married 26 yrs together he and I have 3 adult kids, ages 25, 24, 22

He has 2 adult kids from previous marriage who did not live with us ages, 35 32

so all in all we have 5 in total..... all the kids are fairly close as they all grew up together... so they go to bars together and buy each other gifts at Christmas etc...... extended family which for the most part has worked reasonably well, few personality quirks amongst them but they have managed to work through this and with this

Here is my delima, at Christmas eve we are always invited to hubbys daughters , where she invites her mom, (hubby's X) and then all of us so it is one big family gathering..

we have spent 2 Christmas eves as a big family where hubbys x has been there, I did this for my step daughter , even though I don't really want to , and I am not really comfortable spending christmas eve with hubbys x

it is not that we dont get along, or anything like that.. I just do not want to do this any more,

do you think I am wrong or selfish? sometimes i think for all the kids sakes i should just go along with it...

then i think, hey I do not think i should have to spend Christmas eve with hubby's X and I am not being selfish, they were married and now they are divorced and we are married 26 yrs now, why should i have to

what do you think? am i being selfish should  I be expected to just sacrafice for the sake of everyone else, family harmony? 

Ummmm.... I don't think this is going to be the "popular" answer but.... take it from a child raised in a very demanding divorced family..... I dread holidays now.  Not because I don't enjoy them.... I just have children of my own now and driving from here to there to there to there and then back there again.... some of these drives can be 3 hours long and eating 2 Turkey dinners in one day, dont'cha know, lol?  I always felt that my parents were selfish and never took their children's feelings into consideration.  They always had too much pride to come together and make our lives easier.  It would mean less JOY for THEM to take some of the burden OUT of our lives.  Well..... I'm not going to be doing as much driving from now on, that's for sure.  My sister is very INTO heaping guilt onto me, for my father, who is now partially paralyzed and able to communicate and be active within the family but instead chooses to sit with the TV up at full volume and channel chase innapropriate programs for the young children we bring to see him.  I remember watching a feminine product commercial one New Years Eve.... he waited till the ball was just about to hit the bottom and then switched!  Ahhh well..... another topic for another day. 

I give you full points for making things easier on your now adult children.  It doesn't sound like it's a hardship on you.  It sounds like it's a bit of an inconvenience.  I know other people who do this for their children and I'm always moved near tears when I see it.  I didn't grow up with parents who cared more about us than themselves.  It's amazing to see it and it was very kind of you to do that..... even if you don't continue in the future.  Margo

[debkor]

Poet,

I think I understand what you are saying.  It has nothing to do with ex's family or ex wife it has to do with you just would not choose them as friends if you were not related to them in any manner.
They are just not your cup of tea. 

Whoo boy, I know how you feel.  I had to do that with my son and his friends parents when he was on the football team.
I could not stand any of them with exception of two. I would sit and smile and think, God! is time really going that slow.

Love
Deb

[gratitude28]

Poet,
I know EXACTLY what you mean and I also don't know the answer. Maybe we can figure it out together.
I never felt lonely (or alone) in a group of strangers. Or at school in the dorm with all new people. Or anywhere except in those family situations.
Do you think it's because we are considered "less than human" by them? And, yes, it feels like time just crawls and I want to chew my arm out from the trap and escape.
I would love to know the answer.
Love, Beth