In a recent post, someone described having a romantic relationship as akin to "the icing on the cake", and I really identified with that sentiment. I have often pointed out to others that I am only interested in pursuing a personal relationship when I'm "happy" with the "rest of my life", usually referring to my job.
Then I suddenly had a great revelation about my career history! I've been working for N's for years! The reason is, of course, because in an interview, I naturally am able to win over an N. That's my specialty!
So when I say the only time I was interested in pursuing personal relationships was when the rest of my life was in order, it was really whenever I was not involved with a N at work, that I was felt like developing a personal life. Ironically, it's the jobs where I was not working for a N, that I was most ambivalent about. That ambivalence was actually driving to feel a personal need. In retrospect, I was much healthier.
My first N boss was a real sicko. I recall now that I almost "diagnosed" him immediately (again, without knowing what it was called at the time--this was 12 years ago). It felt almost like I was consciously "playing" this guy because, well, I needed the job. I felt like I could "handle" him. I now know why. I worked there for the next 3 years until things were forced to a climax when our office was to be merged with another local agency. This is when it finally shook out for my N boss. They asked everyone in the company if they wanted to work with the N. Everyone said no. Everyone. So they forced him to pick someone (because they still felt he was worth retaining b/c of his relationship with a specific client). So he picked me. He then later told me that he didn't pick me and that I was forced on him!
Only a few weeks later, with the N having been on the warpath, lying behind everyone's back and generally acting insane, the new Director (from the company we merged with) actually took me aside and told me: You should really just leave and find another job. You should not have to put up with that guy. So I did. For once in my life I felt justified! I always used to wonder, how do I always get myself into these situations? It would always seem like it must be my fault, like I think everyone is a whacko or I can't get along with anyone.
So now I know, it's not imagined. it's real! And the only part that was my fault was my not being aware of my tendencies. I can definitely see it now.
My last two bosses were also bigtime N's. The former was an awful woman that most people disliked. Similar to my first boss, actually. I remembering doing great work there and getting no recognition whatsoever from her. I remember when the client asked me to come re-present some work I did for the president of his company and he specifically asked for my boss not to come. Later that year, when I asked my N boss why I was not being promoted and what I needed to do to be promoted, she responded flatly "I don't know."
I left that job with a decent amount of self-esteem, just based on the work I had poured myself into, that I knew was good. I was able to find a new position that I thought was going to be a great fresh start. Unfortunately, it was about the most dysfunctional scenario I would ever get mixed up with professionally since my crazy first boss.
What happened there--and again, all this only makes perfect sense, just now!--I was hired by a woman, a Sr. Executive at the company, who I now know is a raging N. Then there was also my direct boss, who was also hired at the same time I was. He was also a raging N. I liked them both from the beginning.
The stress of that job was stifling. I couldn't figure out why I couldn't successfully gain any traction. My N boss was busy satisfying his own N, while I was working to satisfy the N "overboss" (NOB). My N boss actually ended up getting promoted within 3 months, which, of course, drove the NOB crazy. She started firing back, of course, making my life hell in the crossfire. She eventually forced my boss to leave (within 6 mos total) and even forced out the President who had promoted my boss.
I stuck around the misery for a few months longer, unsuccessfully trying to find another job. I eventually was pushed to the breaking point and left. Needing to find work, my former NB who I thought I had a healthy relationship with, hired me on as a freelancer. I worked with him at this job for the next 6 months, thinking we had a healthy professional respect and working relationship. Now I see that he was basically using me because I was faithful, but otherwise ignoring me. He then left to start up a new agency with backing from a company in Boston and he asked me to join him. Full-time, full benefits, anything I wanted. At the same time I was being offered a position to stay with the company I was freelancing for. I really considered hard my decision, trying to be objective. Well, you can probably guess which decision I made.
I was fired 6 months after I was hired. I was given no real reason. One of the two partners (not my NB) actually had to leave the company because of a brain tumor and so they had to put together a large buyout package for him, and I think my boss just offered up my head. He was totally passive about the move. Only now is it easy for me to see his pattern of abuse with everyone he interacts with.
I just need to spot them sooner and not get sucked in!
- rihe
