IF I Were In Your Shoes, I Would:..... (ANXIOUSLY awaiting replies)

[jillebean]

.OK - I don't want to sink into a nervous depression and am looking for first instinct responses to the following quote (read in email to my H from his N mom after he hasn't called for a while and aren't permited to see grandkids until some change happens ):  "You expect us to have sympathy and understanding of your situation with a mean-spirited, controlling psychopath (aka, ME, Jillebean) that projects all of her own delusions on others. 

I should add that my H doesn't know I'Ve seen this email.  I'm literally trembling and my heart hurts... Am I over-reacting?  how do i approach this with H? if you were him, would you have told me about the email?   

[Iphi]

First instinct: she is playing the Us/Them card, putting you as an outsider and menace and him as part of the in-group of their FOO.  reminds me of Poppyseed's in-laws.  It's a way to pit people against each other.  I don't know how N-ish my grandmother was, and my Mom actually is schizophrenic, but my grandmother never approved of any of her daughters-in-law, ever.  They were always 'in the hole' with her and that's my other first instinct reaction. 

Sounds like she fights low and dirty, like my dad. 

P.s. My aunt always called my grandmother 'Mrs. Lastname' (instead of her first name), and my grandmother just hated that but I think it showed a lot of pluck on my aunt's part, refusing to abide by a fiction that her MIL liked her, but in a polite way.

[mudpuppy]

Iphi is precisely right. When they fear losing control of someone (your H) they seek to isolate, shun and demonize the person who is threatening their little world. And they invariably do it, as Shunned pointed out, by projecting their worst traits onto the victim.

how do i approach this with H?

Ask him about it. He may be intending to tell you and hasn't yet or is protecting you or is considering how to respond himself. Is there a reason you can't just ask him?

I don't want to sink into a nervous depression

That's what she wants you to do. Don't get depressed get pissed off and stay that way. She has declared war on you, but if your husband isn't an ass and he supports you, you have the power not her.

mud

[Ami]

Dear Friend,
  When I read your post, my thought was ,"Consider the source."I agree with what other's said. She is trying to make you the "bad guy". She is trying to divide you and your H.
 The main person for you to be concerned with is your H. His strength will either uphold you or "chose" her.
  He  is the key  in the situation-- your H. I hope that he will chose you b/c it seems that she is forcing a choice.
 It reminds me of the worst stories about in-laws.
  Hopefully, your H will be able to be strong.                                Love to You   Ami

[Iphi]

Second reaction further thoughts based on mud's post - it's not primarily about you (sure seems like it since she is viciously trashing you!), but it is about controlling her son.  She wants control/increased control over him - that is the objective.  Trying to drive wedges between him and others is her ploy, her strategy.

[Hopalong]

Hi Jillie,
I am very sorry. This was painful to read.
You seem caught between your H and his Nmother.
And I remember in my marriage/s sometimes snooping because I felt powerless.
So you'd have to admit reading your H's email to address the issue of how malevolent she is.
And that could turn into a distracting argument (about his privacy) that isn't what hurts you.

What hurts you is that he doesn't immediately turn into Pa Wilder.
I want Pa Wilder too. The man who'd say without hesitation:

I forbid you to speak to me that way about my wife. EVER AGAIN.
She is my wife, she comes first, and you will respect her or say goodbye to me.

Grrrrr.

What's more, he ought to block her email. IMO.

love to you,
Hops

[Bella_French]

Dear jillebean,

 I'm so sorry to hear about that. What a horrible thing to read! Your MIL is total cow and you certainly didn't deserve that!

My first reaction (which is probably projection on my part)  is that your husband thinks the accusation is outrageous and would hurt you immensely if your heard it. He has not shared it with you because that would make him his mother's messenger, and therefore he'd be abusing you by proxy. I actually think he did the right thing protecting you from her cruel words.

X bella

[reallyME]

Iphi is precisely right. When they fear losing control of someone (your H) they seek to isolate, shun and demonize the person who is threatening their little world. And they invariably do it, as Shunned pointed out, by projecting their worst traits onto the victim.

This was my first reaction, plus, as I read what N wrote to your husband, I have been learning how to listen/respond to verbal abuse from a book I've been reading called "You can't SAY THAT to me"

Isolate the part where she labels you those nouns- psychopath, etc...and read the first part..."you expect me to...."
HEAR THAT...N's are known for saying to people that have disagreements with them "What do  you WANT me to do"...clearly, this is a lady who is not only projecting, but trying to GUILT your husband for wanting her to have sympathy and understanding.  Having ANY SORT OF TENDER FEELINGS just about KILLS a narcissist!  Asking them to feel "pity, conviction, sadness, mourning, sorrow, etc, is like asking them to undergo surgery without an anesthetic."

In essence, what N mil is doing here, is telling your husband "you should be ASHAMED of yourself for expecting us to show human care and emotions about your situation."  Again, IGNORE the labels...those are just a sidetrack issue to get your man DIVERTED from the metamessage underneath it all.

My view

~Laura