N mothers

[October]

Whenever I say ANYTHING optimistic or positive, like I notice many elderly people finding peace, or that can be a time of freedom and reflection, he says that I am in denial and that he has accepted the fact that we will soon become impotent, disfigured and scoffed at by most of society.
quote]


I like the way you describe this relationship.  I have a friend who makes me feel special (sometimes!!) as well, and it is a nice feeling.  He also is at least partly N.  It shows most when he is under stress, and I am the one he generally takes it out on.

One thing which might reassure your friend, next time you are casually chatting, is that young, healthy people are the ones most likely to be afraid of death.  Strange paradox, but the nearer you get to it, the easier it becomes, and as you said, for the elderly or for those who are ill, death becomes a comfort and a solace.  Death is not a black figure with a scythe, but a beautiful angel.

However, if he really is an N, that will not help, because they are, as we all know, immortal.

Cathy

[October]

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Let us know what you decide…..P

Didn't go.  Am at home, with a candle burning, and Rachmaninov playing.  Will phone later to leave message of apology, once I know they are all away from the house, saying I was not able to get there because I am not well enough.

Lots of guilt, of course.  Much added from my N parents, who were going to look after my daughter, but now don't need to.  Lots of silent negativity in the air when I said I was not going after all.  

However, this is right for me, and makes no difference to Anne.  And I can be there for Linda in coming weeks, instead of today.

Cathy

[Portia]

(((((((((Cathy)))))))))

Good choice, well done. Thinking about you and your candle.

And I can be there for Linda in coming weeks, instead of today.

Real generosity, real friendship, very precious. Good for you. Hugs over the board to you, P

[October]

(((((((((Cathy)))))))))

Good choice, well done. Thinking about you and your candle.

And I can be there for Linda in coming weeks, instead of today.

Real generosity, real friendship, very precious. Good for you. Hugs over the board to you, P

((((((((((((Hugs back)))))))))))

Thanks.  I am sure this is right, but thanks for helping anyway.  I am kind of sure and not sure at the same time.  But that drive was really frightening me this morning.  Too far.  (I have a kind of agrophobia which makes anything new very daunting.)

Cathy

[Portia]

I am kind of sure and not sure at the same time.

I’m like that too, vacillating between what I think I know and all those nagging old patterns of thinking, ways of behaving. I think that’s ‘normal’ for us. We can be normal in our own ways I guess.

And if the drive was worrying you, that’s even more reason not to go. Your daughter needs her mum alive. You can challenge your agrophobia problems in your own time, but it wouldn’t be good to test them when you have someone else’s deadline to meet, too much stress.

I’m sure Anne would (or perhaps does) appreciate your thoughts and your intention to see Linda separately. Kind thoughts and intentions are more important than social rituals....

[Tokyojim]

October,

Looks like there are really two threads going on here.  I apologize to others if I am diverting responses.  I would just like to mention that I can get more detached and do not take things as personally if I look at his rantings as the projections that they are.  When he says that I am denying the terrible fear that I have about age, decay and death, he is talking about himself.  And you hit it on the head.  Time and time again, I have heard exactly the same utterance in a variety of forms: The N says that people do not really believe that they are going to die, but implies that HE is aware of death and unafraid.  This is said during virtually every conversation.

In the past, he has even caused me to doubt myself and think that maybe I am in some kind of denial.  However, the funny thing is that the N is constantly bringing up the subject of death, usually out of the blue.